It's Not You....

It's me.

I need a blogger break. I don't necessarily want one, but I know I need one.

I need to re-focus, re-group, re-commit.

I need to re-focus on finding the balance between enjoying life at this present moment and hoping for even better things to come. The balance between planning for the future and worrying about it.

I need to re-group my efforts to my home, my family. There are a lot of things that need to be done and, believe it or not, blogging sometimes gets in the way of those things.

And most important, I need to re-commit. My life to Christ. My heart to Mary. My actions, thoughts, words, deeds, sufferings, sorrows, joys, triumphs, cares, and concerns to the Lord.

I'll be back. And hopefully I'll be focused, "grouped", and committed.

Oremus Pro Invicem!

Why I Love My Husband (9)

Hannah isn't around many other babies to get a good visual for crawling. So Ted crawls around on the floor 

and acts like a dog

every day.  :)

My New To-Do

We've been living our life in waiting mode for far too long. We've based so many decisions around "we might not be here much longer" and put so many things off "until we move". I've spent the last week and a half coming to terms with our new reality. It hasn't been easy.

My new to-do list:

1. Organize the bookshelf in the living room. It's over-cluttered and starting to look junky. I've been wanting to do it for weeks but kept thinking, "why organize it now-I'll just be boxing it up any day now....."

2. Find some new dress pants that actually fit. I've put this one off hoping that my next job wouldn't require me to dress up. Maybe I would get to wear jeans, or scrubs, or pajama pants..... A girl can dream right?  Well as of right now-I will be working in my current job for the winter and have no dress pants that fit my breastfeeding body. Shopping trip sometime this week.

3. Bring home the boxes I have stored at my office. Yes-we were that sure he was going to get this job. Yes-I've been saving  boxes for weeks thinking we would be moving back to be near our families. I have quite the collection. I've decided to bring them home and store crap in them that has been cluttering up the apartment. Definitely a let-down. But necessary nonetheless.

4. Get a new toilet bowl scrubber! Ours is rusty. Can plastic bristles get rusty?? Well they did. And I think it makes the toilet dirtier than before I scrubbed it. I've literally been waiting months to buy a new one because a toilet bowl scrubber isn't something you really want to put in a moving van. "I'll just buy one when we get to our new home." Well this is our home now and our toilet is dirty. I've decided to splurge and get a $5 scrubber next time I go to walmart.

While I do actually intend to do each of the things on this list-the most important thing I need "to-do" right now is learn to live in the moment. Learn to love this life-right now. Not the one that we thought was going to happen. Our dream and goal was dangled before our eyes and ripped away from us. But we still have a lot of good stuff going for us right here, right where we are now. 

And while I envisioned our first pumpkin patch pictures taking place in Missouri, the pumpkins in Mississippi were pretty good too.

Hurt

Yesterday was a bad day. A very bad day. Without going into too much detail on this oh-so-public forum, Ted got another rejection on a job that would have been perfect for him. He was the "second" choice. That's the fourth time he's been "second". But who's counting?

And I'm really struggling. And I can't find balance.

Balance between being thankful for what I have and mourning what's still missing.

Balance between blogging about the good things in my life and being fake about the hurt and fear that looms over my head.

Balance always eludes me.

It's not that he didn't get the job. (well, it is I guess). It's a dream shattered. A plan dashed. We were so close. A tiny little house. Maybe a yard big enough for a garden. A husband with a job. A bedroom for our daughter. We allowed ourselves to hope. To daydream. To get excited.

And just like that-it's over. We're stuck in our month-by-month too small apartment playing role reversal while I go to work all day and Ted plays Mr. Mom.

He's a wonderful stay-at-home dad. Absolutely wonderful. And I'm a good therapist. It's not that. It's just not what we feel called to do. He wants so badly to work and I want so badly to be with Hannah.

This plan was supposed to be temporary. In a single day it's gone from temporary to indefinite.

And I didn't expect the pain of infertility to come flooding back the way it did. That old familiar feeling of wanting something so badly. Something good! Something honorable! And not being able to do anything to make it happen. Coming to the cold, harsh realization that God's plan isn't the same as yours. And your mind tells you that His plan is better, but your heart just cries and cries.

Of course it's different than waiting for Hannah. She's here. And she's powerful balm for a hurting soul. But not being able to provide her with the kind of life we know she deserves is a completely new wound. And I haven't found the healing balm for that one yet.

And it just sucks to not get what you want. As whiney as that sounds. It just sucks.

And of course I realize that this is an opportunity to prove my trust and faith in God's plan for our life. But I'm so full of hurt and anger that I can't get to trust and faith. I will. But not now. Didn't I already prove that? Didn't I faithfully wait for two years for that sweet angel sleeping in the next room? What? That wasn't enough? He wants more?? Sigh.

But that was yesterday. And after I drug myself out of bed this morning and realized that it wasn't all a bad dream and there's no one popping out to say we're on candid camera, things slowly got better.

Healing came in the form of 16 ounces of Pepsi from a sweet little three year old. And a nice talk with a 59 year old friend. A fitting passage from a blogger well versed in her Bible. And an explosive diaper that ended up in her hair and had us laughing and working as the well oiled team we've always been. And this:

The two of them, a beautiful lake, and a sunset can make anything seem better.

Tonight, I'm counting my blessings. A husband who is better than I deserve. Better than anyone deserves. A rock solid marriage. A daughter that...I can't even being to describe how perfect she is. A warm place to live. Supportive friends. A family that loves us. Enough money for food. A steady source of income.

It really is so much. 

It doesn't take away the hurt. But it makes the hurt more bearable.

"No trial has come to you except what is human.  God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it."  1 Cor 10:13

Maternal Guilt

Instead of reading my quick takes today, you should immediately go to this article and laugh your butt off.

You're welcome.

Where I'm From

I'm from bunk beds, heart wallpaper, and worn pink carpet. 

I'm from Germany and Poland and France. But really just Missouri.

From don't smack your gum, don't let the door slam, push your sleeves up, and of course you can have friends over.

I'm from after-school trips to feed the cows, unlocking the gate, and imagination in a rickety hay loft.

I'm from nature walks with an empty ice cream bucket, pine cones, and an art project.

I am from Cardinals baseball, brown eyes and curly hair, from Bob and Peggy, Tom and Joan, and Chink and Rose.

I'm from deep fried everything, homemade ice cream, angel food cake from a box, and chicken and dumplings made from scratch.

I am from St. Vincent's. Baptized, Reconciled, Given Communion, Confirmed, promoted, graduated, married, and witness to another Baptism.

I'm from 50 something slushies, bike streamers, and a million trips around the block.

I'm from sunsets on a glassy lake and thin crust pizza.

I'm from an overflowing tree on Christmas morning, homemade costumes on Halloween, snap-n-pops and sparklers on the 4th of July, and a Hoeckele's birthday cake every August.

I'm from three-ring photo albums with handwritten descriptions and digital photo books ordered online, all stacked on the fireplace shelves.

Thanks to Sarah, for planting the seed for this post!