Thoughts on Birth

Hiring a doula was the single best decision we made when it came to our birth. At times, I felt like we were going overboard. I felt like it would be a waste of money. I was almost embarrassed for making such a big deal out of the birth. But when it was all said and done-she was amazing! If we were rich people, we would have paid her a thousand dollars! What a shame that the doctor, who came in just moments before Hannah was born, is going to get more money than Alison, who went without sleep for 24 hours to help make Hannah's birth a great experience.

I wouldn't have traded my clear mind and the feeling of her moving through and out of my body for any pain relief in the world.

Yes, it was painful. But I would never use words like excruciating or overwhelming. It really, really wasn't that bad. Really.

We got the Explanation of Benefits from the insurance company and saw how much everything costs. Wow! And to think it would have been even HIGHER if I had opted for medication or ended up with a C-section. Just another benefit of drug free...

The entire labor and delivery was MUCH harder mentally than it was physically. Staying positive, making the right decisions, staying awake and motivated were the real challenge. Contractions were hard. Worrying about when the contractions were going to get regular/closer/stronger was much harder.

Did I mention I'm glad we had a doula?

A natural birth would be completely awful if you didn't have a supportive husband. Ted worked his butt off during our pregnancy. He knew his stuff! The signs of labor, emotional signposts, possible positions-everything! Going through those two days together was the best thing for our marriage. What was a strong, happy, and holy relationship is now even stronger, happier, and holier. Point blank: I could not have done it without him.

The relaxation practice really did help! I'll admit I had my doubts. The Bradley class just kept emphasizing relaxation but in my head I was thinking, "There's gotta be more to it than that!". Nope. That's really it. I relaxed my contractions away.  We practiced identifying tension and relaxing it away for months. Ted put ice cubes on my wrists and guided me through tons of different visualizations to help me relax through the pain. And while I sometimes felt silly for practicing relaxation-it worked.

I'm also glad we took the exercises so seriously. Squatting, butterflies, kegels, pelvic rocks. I believe that the only reason I was able to push for 40 minutes while squatting was because I had been doing squats almost daily since August. When the big day came I couldn't run a marathon, bench-press my weight, or even do a simple push-up. But my body was in perfect shape for labor. And that's all that mattered.

One thing I wish I had been more diligent about is perenneal massage. I hardly did it because I kept forgetting. Recovery would have been a lot faster if it wasn't for that second degree tear...

I have no idea if all the raspberry tea and evening primrose oil did anything. I guess I'll never know!

That's all!

Letter to Me

A thought crossed through my head this morning. "What would I say if I wrote a letter to myself at this point a year ago?"  My Lenten reflections from 2010 are filled with sorrow and struggle. What would the 2010 Kaitlin want to hear from me now?

As I really thought about it, my answer surprised me.

I wouldn't tell myself not to cry. Tears serve a purpose and they helped to cleanse me in my darkest hour.

I wouldn't tell myself that's it's not that bad. It really, really was that bad.

I wouldn't tell myself that's it's all going to turn out fine. I already knew that in my head. No one telling me, not even myself, that it's going to be fine would have convinced my heart.

I wouldn't tell myself not worry. Although worry doesn't change anything, it showed how strongly I desired to bring a new life into this world. Worrying about not being able to do that was completely justified.

I wouldn't tell myself to enjoy the time alone with my husband. I was already enjoying it to the fullest extent possible.

And I especially wouldn't have told myself to have patience. If I had known then how truly amazing, beautiful, wonderful, life-changing, and remarkable she is I would have had even less patience than the small amount I already had.

I think I would have told myself to "offer it up". Really. It seems like such harsh advice-but it's so critical. I made a small effort to offer up the pain of infertility while in the midst of the struggle. Very, very small. Looking back now, I'm mad and disappointed with myself that I wasted all that suffering.

But only God knows if I have years of suffering and waiting for more ahead of me. And if I do, I hope the future me has nothing to say to the current me. I hope I suffer in closer union with Christ next time around. (But I REALLY hope there isn't a next time around....)

Quick Takes (22)

-1-

I made a yummy salad for lunch today. I never take the time to actually buy stuff to make a good salad. I buy lettuce and dressing and then they both go bad because, really, who wants to eat lettuce and dressing? But today's salad had craisins and nuts and feta cheese. And it was good. And that makes me happy.

-2-

Today makes me feel like an amazing mother. I woke up and cuddled her for a half hour. Nursed her. Got myself dressed and ready while she happily sat in the swing. Nursed her again. Went to the grocery store and wore her in the Moby. Thanked the dozens of people who told me how cute she was. Came home. Put away groceries while she happily sat in the car seat. Nursed her again. Napped with her for an hour. Nursed her again. Put her down for another nap and hit the blogs.

But Wednesday looked like this: Nursed her. Cleaned up spit up. Changed her clothes. Nursed her again. Got puked on. Changed my clothes. Gave her a bath. Nursed her again. Held her for hours while she had gas. Nursed. More spit up. More changing. Eventually kept her naked while she ate. Stayed in pajamas for the entire day and never got around to brushing my teeth.

You just never know what the day will bring!

-3-

I did nothing to celebrate St. Patrick's Day yesterday. I didn't even wear green. I want to make St. Joseph's Feast Day special (tomorrow). Anyone have any ideas?

-4-

If I select the ones that sit below my hips, I fit into my old jeans. They don't look great. They're a little uncomfortable. But they're, uh, free!

-5-

Our noise machine broke. After only 3 weeks of use!! I'm not too upset, because it didn't have a white noise option and I would rather have white noise than an ocean or birds calling. Suggestions for a good white noise machine that won't break?

-6-

I'm considering changing the description line under the title of the blog. My best idea right now is: A wife and mother seeking to become a better version of myself through imitation of the Blessed Virgin.


What do ya think?

-7-

Has anyone ever played Bohnanza? It's a game about bean farming and Ted and I can't get enough. We don't own it-our friends, Jude and Alisha, do. We've played it about once a week since they introduced us to it over a month ago. Ted and I aren't usually big gamers, but we've been inviting ourselves over to their house so we can play.

Think we're strange? I only devoted one quick take to this awesome game. Alisha devoted an entire post!

Have a great weekend! Go play some Bohnanza!

My View

Life

Something changed this weekend. I'm not sure what or when-but I like it.

We went from "Ted and Kaitlin with a new baby" to "Ted, Kaitlin, and Hannah."

Hannah went from a being a newborn to being a baby.

And somewhere in between taking our girl for a walk around the lake,

nursing her for the thousandth time and putting her down for a nap, 

cuddling with my two favorite people in bed Saturday morning,

eating pie and ice cream with my hubby while she sleeps, 

and grilling burgers on Sunday night ...

... I went from waiting for life to begin ...

... to living it. 

Quick Takes (21)

-1-

I survived three days of work and now have a week off for Spring Break! Back to cuddling and napping and singing with my girl!

-2-

She is seriously the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. She has the cutest facial expressions and it seems like a new one pops up every day. Oh she's so perfect.

Ok, I'm done.

-3-

When I got back to work a little girl who has always been enamored with me saw me in my office. She didn't act very excited to see me or talk to me like she usually does. I finally figured out why.

"Where's that other girl?" she asked.

You mean the big fat one? Ha!

-4-

I want to kiss the inventor of the Moby Wrap.

-5-

We're taking Hannah on her first fishing trip tomorrow! We'll just fish from the bank and not venture out in the boat quite yet. But she's excited!

-6-

We filed our taxes! And for the first time we itemized. Which I was really excited about. Until I realized it just means we spent tons of money in 2010......

-7-

Must end this post. She's fussing. She needs me. Because I'm her mommy.

And that's amazing.

Adorable

We attended Adoration as a family of three for the first time last week. Ted and I have had a weekly Adoration hour for the last five years that we started when we were dating. Taking Hannah to see Jesus with us was....... is there even a word to describe it?

I was incredibly distracted the entire time. I nursed her for the first half of the hour and stared at her for the second. The only prayer I managed to get out was "Thank you Jesus."  I couldn't force myself to stare at the Host, her face just lured me in and held my complete attention.

At the end of the hour I was upset with myself for my pathetic attempt at prayer and my lack of attention to Christ. And then it hit me.

This is how Mary attended Eucharistic Adoration.

She held Jesus' flesh and blood in her arms and just stared at Him. She was the first person to ever truly Adore Him.

And while I realize that my daughter isn't the Savior of the world, I felt that adoring her was exactly that I needed to do during that hour. I adored Christ by adoring her and thanking Him for this sweet, sweet blessing.

I know that as time goes by, I'll need to direct my attention back to Jesus and away from the beautiful bundle in my arms during our Adoration hours. But during that first Adoration as a family of three I believe I adored Christ a little more like Mary once did.

Quick Takes (20)

-1-

Sometimes, such as this time right now, when she's napping in the other room-I feel like nothing has changed. I just ate lunch and checked blogs and facebook and all is quiet. Then I glance over and see the swing sitting in the living room and the burp cloths next to me on the couch and I smile.

It's real. She's real. She's sleeping now and she'll wake up soon and I'll get to cuddle her and feed her and kiss her all over.

It's definitely changed. And it's so good.

-2-

We started cloth diapers this week! They're still a little big on her but we haven't had any leaks yet. Anybody have any suggestions for preventing diaper rash in cloth? Coconut oil? A&D? I'm not sure what to use that won't ruin the diapers.

-3-

Hannah took a bottle for the first time last night! Ted got to feed her an entire feeding and they both did great. I was so worried about nipple confusion and feared that breastfeeding would be completely wrecked once she discovered the bottle. 

I shouldn't have doubted my girl.

(And unfortunately the reason we had to introduce the bottle is that I'm going back to work next week. Yes-she'll only be four weeks old :( She'll be cared for by Ted and two wonderful friends and I have a week off for Spring Break the following week. But I'm still miserable. I know I need to "practice" being away from her, but I can't even bring myself to do that.)

-4-

Speaking of breastfeeding-just a quick update on how it's going. Um-amazing. We are seriously so, so blessed in this department. She latched on at birth. Filled 6-7 diapers on DAY ONE! Milk came in with no problem on day three. NO nipple pain. AT ALL. (I hope I didn't jinx myself...) Pumping is going great-I can pump 3 ounces to freeze in just a few minutes. I have between 50 and 60 ounces stored in the freezer right now.

Our only problem is a bit of an oversupply (probably from the pumping) and a forceful letdown. Like really, really forceful. I have to take her off as soon as I have a let-down and catch it all in a burp cloth. Otherwise-she chokes and gags and gets red, watery eyes and blue lips. And sometimes she gets squirted in the eye. So sorry Hannah.

I go through about a dozen disposable breast pads a day and wash my nursing tanks and bras all. the. time.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that small chested women don't have enough milk!

-5-

A friend made the comment to me that my birth must have been very "healing" after struggling with infertility. She hit the nail on the head! This whole experience has been surreal. My body has amazed me. It grew my baby perfectly. It birthed my baby perfectly. It's feeding my baby perfectly. (Right Laura?)

Deo Gratias!

-6-

I have so many posts swirling around in my head. One about how we chose Hannah's name. One on random thoughts of my birth experience. I hope I get them out before they disappear into oblivion.

-7-

Lent starts Wednesday. What are you "giving up"? What are you "doing?" I'm feeling called to give up talking on the phone and listening to the radio while driving. Not easy considering I drive all over town for work. But I think I need to do more than that. Any suggestions?

Check out my friend Alisha's post on Lenten sacrifices. Definitely something I hadn't considered before and it really helped me understand my need to suffer.

-8-

I need an eighth quick take.

I'm going shopping for new jeans this afternoon...... What an AWESOME problem to have! No, I don't like having to spend money on new jeans. I wish my old jeans fit because they are cute and broken in how I like them. But I'm taking my sweet baby girl with me to buy these jeans.

Bliss.