Like so many others, I too will be signing off for Holy Week. I think it'll be good for me. I've only been blogging for two months but I'm already pretty addicted. The break is needed and hopefully will help me concentrate on Christ's Passion and Resurrection.
I'll be reflecting on this during Holy Week. This skit brings me to tears and gives me goosebumps every time I watch it. Let us all remember, as we approach Good Friday, that our Lord bares the brunt of our pain. If it wasn't for His strength and compassion, we would all be swallowed whole by the evil of the world. I thank God that my life has never come to the point of the girl's in the skit and I pray for all those who have experienced this kind of pain. As the song says, "how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?" I hope you all have an Easter that truly moves you closer to the love that Christ has for you.
See you after Easter!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I "Just Know"
I just know. This phrase has been uttered out of my mouth on numerous occasions. There are three different types of situations in which I just know something:
The first: when I present a fact or statistic about any given topic and have no idea how to back it up. I'm notorious known for easily recalling beautiful quotes from saints, minute details of obscure Church teachings, and shocking facts to persuade someone in a heated debate. "St. Theresa of Avila once said...." "Well you know, the Church's position on infant baptism by a lay person clearly states..." or "This county has the largest per capita abuse rate in the entire state!" But when presented with the question of, "how did you know that?" I can only respond, "I just know." I can't recall who told me, where I read it, or how I know it's true. I just know. It doesn't make for a very convincing argument.
The second: when I have complete conviction and clarity that something will occur. I just knew I would marry Ted. Even before we started dating. I remember girlfriends asking me how I knew he was "the one". Besides the list of reasons why he would make the world's greatest husband, my best answer was simply, "I just know." In another, not-so-exciting example, I just knew we were going to have problems getting pregnant. Again, even before we were married. I had already had a successful surgery to remove endo years earlier and my doctor had NO DOUBT that I wouldn't have any trouble conceiving. That was little comfort. Ted and I started trying to get pregnant before it was really "convenient". He was working a minimum wage job, I was in grad school, and our tiny apartment barely contained the two of us. Nevertheless, we started trying for a baby. Part of the reason it was so easy for me to try despite the circumstances was that I just knew we wouldn't actually get pregnant. There was no logical reason behind it. But I just knew.
The third: this one is a little weird. Let me preface it by saying that I fully understand and support the Church's teaching on "paranormal" activities. I do not read my horoscope or believe in fortune tellers, and I even shy away from Harry Potter because I fear crossing the line on the Church's teaching. I do, however, get the occasional "premonition" (if that's even the right word for it). I've had these gut feelings all my life that tell me when something is going to happen. Silly little things. In grade school I just knew when my name was going to be called on. I could feel it coming. Literally every time I've ever won anything by drawing a name out of a hat (like a 50/50 drawing or door prize) I've known I was going to win. This past New Year's we played a game with our friends that had a cash prize (a whopping $11!) and I just knew I was going to win. Even before we sat down to play the game. I'm hardly ever surprised when I win something. And as much as I've tried to "create" this feeling in hopes of getting the million dollar lottery ticket, it can't be done. When my name is called and I step up to claim my prize, I'll lean over to Ted and say,"I knew I was going to win." He always asks, "how did you know??" And my answer is always the same: I just know!
With all of those instances in my life when I have just known something, wouldn't it only make sense that I'll just know when I'm pregnant? I'm only a few days past peak day, but I told Ted I wasn't pregnant today. "How do you know?" he asked. "If I was, I think I would just know." "That's why they make home pregnancy tests," he said, "because you can't just know!" And I realize that all rational and reasonable thought suggests that I'm being ridiculous. But I really do think I would just know if I was pregnant. I thought I knew, one day last week. I just felt that there was something (someone) inside of me. I felt like my stomach was glowing all day. But the feeling was gone the next day and it hasn't returned. I think I was just getting my hopes up.
I know that everyone reading this is thinking I'm wrong, that there is no way to just know. If there was, there would be no such thing as the "two week wait". But I can't seem to shake the idea from my head. I mean, if there was a newly created soul living inside of my body, wouldn't I know about?? Even if he or she was only the size of a pin point! It seems so strange to me that there could be a baby inside of me RIGHT NOW and I could have no idea. It just boggles my mind.
This concept of just knowing got me thinking about Mary. We celebrated the Feast of the Annunciation just three days ago (the day that the Angel Gabriel announced to Mary she would conceive Jesus). I wonder when she actually became pregnant. Was it at the exact moment she said her now famous words of "be it done unto me according to thy word"? Or did it happen later in the day, week, or even month? Did God have to wait until she was on cycle day 14-15 before sending down His only son? And no matter when Jesus was actually conceived-when did Mary actually know about it? Did she have to endure the same two week wait that we are all faced with? When the angel left, did Mary feel pregnant? Or did she continue about her day waiting to see if anything happened? Something tells me that Mary just knew that Jesus had been conceived in her womb. Surely the Mother of God didn't go about not knowing if God himself was inside of her! Even if it was just for two weeks!
But I guess it doesn't matter whether or not Mary just knew that Jesus was in her womb. I was not immaculately conceived, am not without original sin, nor am I carrying the Son of God (even if I AM pregnant!) I don't suppose God is going to bless me with the same understanding that Mary may have received. I guess I'm going to wait until either the cramps kick in or I miss my period. Just like everyone else.
The first: when I present a fact or statistic about any given topic and have no idea how to back it up. I'm notorious known for easily recalling beautiful quotes from saints, minute details of obscure Church teachings, and shocking facts to persuade someone in a heated debate. "St. Theresa of Avila once said...." "Well you know, the Church's position on infant baptism by a lay person clearly states..." or "This county has the largest per capita abuse rate in the entire state!" But when presented with the question of, "how did you know that?" I can only respond, "I just know." I can't recall who told me, where I read it, or how I know it's true. I just know. It doesn't make for a very convincing argument.
The second: when I have complete conviction and clarity that something will occur. I just knew I would marry Ted. Even before we started dating. I remember girlfriends asking me how I knew he was "the one". Besides the list of reasons why he would make the world's greatest husband, my best answer was simply, "I just know." In another, not-so-exciting example, I just knew we were going to have problems getting pregnant. Again, even before we were married. I had already had a successful surgery to remove endo years earlier and my doctor had NO DOUBT that I wouldn't have any trouble conceiving. That was little comfort. Ted and I started trying to get pregnant before it was really "convenient". He was working a minimum wage job, I was in grad school, and our tiny apartment barely contained the two of us. Nevertheless, we started trying for a baby. Part of the reason it was so easy for me to try despite the circumstances was that I just knew we wouldn't actually get pregnant. There was no logical reason behind it. But I just knew.
The third: this one is a little weird. Let me preface it by saying that I fully understand and support the Church's teaching on "paranormal" activities. I do not read my horoscope or believe in fortune tellers, and I even shy away from Harry Potter because I fear crossing the line on the Church's teaching. I do, however, get the occasional "premonition" (if that's even the right word for it). I've had these gut feelings all my life that tell me when something is going to happen. Silly little things. In grade school I just knew when my name was going to be called on. I could feel it coming. Literally every time I've ever won anything by drawing a name out of a hat (like a 50/50 drawing or door prize) I've known I was going to win. This past New Year's we played a game with our friends that had a cash prize (a whopping $11!) and I just knew I was going to win. Even before we sat down to play the game. I'm hardly ever surprised when I win something. And as much as I've tried to "create" this feeling in hopes of getting the million dollar lottery ticket, it can't be done. When my name is called and I step up to claim my prize, I'll lean over to Ted and say,"I knew I was going to win." He always asks, "how did you know??" And my answer is always the same: I just know!
With all of those instances in my life when I have just known something, wouldn't it only make sense that I'll just know when I'm pregnant? I'm only a few days past peak day, but I told Ted I wasn't pregnant today. "How do you know?" he asked. "If I was, I think I would just know." "That's why they make home pregnancy tests," he said, "because you can't just know!" And I realize that all rational and reasonable thought suggests that I'm being ridiculous. But I really do think I would just know if I was pregnant. I thought I knew, one day last week. I just felt that there was something (someone) inside of me. I felt like my stomach was glowing all day. But the feeling was gone the next day and it hasn't returned. I think I was just getting my hopes up.
I know that everyone reading this is thinking I'm wrong, that there is no way to just know. If there was, there would be no such thing as the "two week wait". But I can't seem to shake the idea from my head. I mean, if there was a newly created soul living inside of my body, wouldn't I know about?? Even if he or she was only the size of a pin point! It seems so strange to me that there could be a baby inside of me RIGHT NOW and I could have no idea. It just boggles my mind.
This concept of just knowing got me thinking about Mary. We celebrated the Feast of the Annunciation just three days ago (the day that the Angel Gabriel announced to Mary she would conceive Jesus). I wonder when she actually became pregnant. Was it at the exact moment she said her now famous words of "be it done unto me according to thy word"? Or did it happen later in the day, week, or even month? Did God have to wait until she was on cycle day 14-15 before sending down His only son? And no matter when Jesus was actually conceived-when did Mary actually know about it? Did she have to endure the same two week wait that we are all faced with? When the angel left, did Mary feel pregnant? Or did she continue about her day waiting to see if anything happened? Something tells me that Mary just knew that Jesus had been conceived in her womb. Surely the Mother of God didn't go about not knowing if God himself was inside of her! Even if it was just for two weeks!
But I guess it doesn't matter whether or not Mary just knew that Jesus was in her womb. I was not immaculately conceived, am not without original sin, nor am I carrying the Son of God (even if I AM pregnant!) I don't suppose God is going to bless me with the same understanding that Mary may have received. I guess I'm going to wait until either the cramps kick in or I miss my period. Just like everyone else.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
A Shared Question and a Shared Desire
I think Mother Teresa is reading my blog. I've read a little more in Come Be My Light since my post earlier this morning and was so completely struck by one line that I read. Mother Teresa had the exact same question I did! When writing to the archbishop (who had not yet approved her new order) she writes "does the good God give these desires and not mean them to come true?" You can tell by the way she words this that she obviously thinks the answer is "of course not". Our good God does not give us desires that He doesn't mean to come true. And although that is a very, very difficult concept to swallow, it filled me with hope.
There are many more days when I consider the fact that God will NOT bless us with children than days that I do. But Mother Teresa seems to be telling me otherwise. She seems to be telling me that God does, in fact, grant our desires. How do I wrestle this out in my mind? I'm not sure. I trust this beautiful and holy saint, but I also know that there are many people with my same desire who DO NOT have children. I'm not sure what to do with this. But for a brief moment, when I read those words, I actually believed that God would give us a baby. It felt wonderful. But it's already fading.
Mother Teresa continues with words that I could have written myself, although not as eloquently and not as beautiful. She writes, "It is now well over one year that they [the desires] came, they have increased with every Holy Mass and Holy Communion. I long, I desire to bring to Him many souls-to make each soul love God with a burning love..." Mother Teresa was referring to the poor souls in the slums of Calcutta. She wanted to bring them God and help them develop a love for Him. I desire the same thing, to bring souls to God. And while I don't think I'm being called to move to India, I do think I'm being called to raise children in a Catholic home and teach them to love the Lord with their whole hearts. I desire to have children so that I can bring them to God, to make them love God with a burning love. And would the good God give me these desires and not mean them to come true?
There are many more days when I consider the fact that God will NOT bless us with children than days that I do. But Mother Teresa seems to be telling me otherwise. She seems to be telling me that God does, in fact, grant our desires. How do I wrestle this out in my mind? I'm not sure. I trust this beautiful and holy saint, but I also know that there are many people with my same desire who DO NOT have children. I'm not sure what to do with this. But for a brief moment, when I read those words, I actually believed that God would give us a baby. It felt wonderful. But it's already fading.
Mother Teresa continues with words that I could have written myself, although not as eloquently and not as beautiful. She writes, "It is now well over one year that they [the desires] came, they have increased with every Holy Mass and Holy Communion. I long, I desire to bring to Him many souls-to make each soul love God with a burning love..." Mother Teresa was referring to the poor souls in the slums of Calcutta. She wanted to bring them God and help them develop a love for Him. I desire the same thing, to bring souls to God. And while I don't think I'm being called to move to India, I do think I'm being called to raise children in a Catholic home and teach them to love the Lord with their whole hearts. I desire to have children so that I can bring them to God, to make them love God with a burning love. And would the good God give me these desires and not mean them to come true?
More To Offer
Remember in a post a few weeks ago I mentioned that I was really getting a lot accomplished in prayer? And that I knew it wouldn't last forever so I needed to take advantage of it? Well, I was right. It didn't last forever. And it's 100% my fault. I've been very neglectful of my holy hours and have let prayer fall to the back burner as we get closer and closer to Palm Sunday. Despite my laziness, however, God has still tried to talk to me.
Thursday night I finally sat down and forced myself to spend some time in prayer. I decided to read a little more of Come Be My Light: The Private Writing of Mother Teresa. This book really is amazing-it paints such a beautiful picture of who Mother Teresa really was. Right now, I'm reading about her strong and clear calling to found a new religious order and the obstacles she faced in making it a reality. The archbishop was very, very slow in granting her permission to found the Missionaries of Charity. You can just see her desire to found this order jumping off of the pages. You can feel her disappointment when she gets yet another letter announcing that she's not yet able to say 'yes' to her call. By this point, I'm getting kind of angry with the archbishop. "Don't you know who you're dealing with!" I want to say. But Mother Teresa is ever patient, giving all of her desires and disappointments completely to Jesus. Using them to unite herself closer to Him.
I went bed with one question on my mind: Why would God call her to found this order and give her the overwhelming desire to work with the poor of Calcutta if He wasn't going allow it to actually happen? (and yes, I know she eventually does get what she desires-but I'm not that far in the book yet.) Why would God give her such a strong calling and desire if it wasn't possible to be fulfilled? As I plopped my head down on my pillow I threw up a question to God. "Why did You allow her to have those desires God? Why did You call her to do something that she didn't have the power to actually do?" The answer came immediately and was crystal clear. "So that she would have more to offer back to Me."
I have often wondered why God gave me the desire for motherhood from such an early age if He wasn't going to bless me with children. I dare say that I've desired children and a large family more than almost any friend I've known throughout my life. Or at least it feels that way. With all my being I truly feel "called" to be a mother. Friends would always make comments about how I would be the first one to have kids and definitely have the most. When a friend of mine (that was married after us) became pregnant, some of our friends said, "wow-I thought you'd be first Kaitlin!" (little did they know we had already been trying for months). My desire for children is strong and real. It consumes me at times. It's been present from as far back as I can possibly remember. And until now, I've never understood why God would allow me to have such a burning desire that may not ever be fulfilled.
Mother Teresa gave her desire to Jesus. She offered her calling completely to Him. And because of this, she gave Him a bigger gift than those who don't have such a strong desire and calling. She had a lot to give back to Him because she had a lot of disappointment. If my desires for children weren't as strong as they are, my offering wouldn't be quite as beautiful. And just as Mother Teresa's desires were fulfilled in her eventual founding of the Missionaries of Charity, I pray that my desires for motherhood will also, one day, be granted.
But until then, I'll just be grateful I have more to offer back to Him.
Thursday night I finally sat down and forced myself to spend some time in prayer. I decided to read a little more of Come Be My Light: The Private Writing of Mother Teresa. This book really is amazing-it paints such a beautiful picture of who Mother Teresa really was. Right now, I'm reading about her strong and clear calling to found a new religious order and the obstacles she faced in making it a reality. The archbishop was very, very slow in granting her permission to found the Missionaries of Charity. You can just see her desire to found this order jumping off of the pages. You can feel her disappointment when she gets yet another letter announcing that she's not yet able to say 'yes' to her call. By this point, I'm getting kind of angry with the archbishop. "Don't you know who you're dealing with!" I want to say. But Mother Teresa is ever patient, giving all of her desires and disappointments completely to Jesus. Using them to unite herself closer to Him.
I went bed with one question on my mind: Why would God call her to found this order and give her the overwhelming desire to work with the poor of Calcutta if He wasn't going allow it to actually happen? (and yes, I know she eventually does get what she desires-but I'm not that far in the book yet.) Why would God give her such a strong calling and desire if it wasn't possible to be fulfilled? As I plopped my head down on my pillow I threw up a question to God. "Why did You allow her to have those desires God? Why did You call her to do something that she didn't have the power to actually do?" The answer came immediately and was crystal clear. "So that she would have more to offer back to Me."
I have often wondered why God gave me the desire for motherhood from such an early age if He wasn't going to bless me with children. I dare say that I've desired children and a large family more than almost any friend I've known throughout my life. Or at least it feels that way. With all my being I truly feel "called" to be a mother. Friends would always make comments about how I would be the first one to have kids and definitely have the most. When a friend of mine (that was married after us) became pregnant, some of our friends said, "wow-I thought you'd be first Kaitlin!" (little did they know we had already been trying for months). My desire for children is strong and real. It consumes me at times. It's been present from as far back as I can possibly remember. And until now, I've never understood why God would allow me to have such a burning desire that may not ever be fulfilled.
Mother Teresa gave her desire to Jesus. She offered her calling completely to Him. And because of this, she gave Him a bigger gift than those who don't have such a strong desire and calling. She had a lot to give back to Him because she had a lot of disappointment. If my desires for children weren't as strong as they are, my offering wouldn't be quite as beautiful. And just as Mother Teresa's desires were fulfilled in her eventual founding of the Missionaries of Charity, I pray that my desires for motherhood will also, one day, be granted.
But until then, I'll just be grateful I have more to offer back to Him.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Boring Estrodial Levels
For those readers that come here wanting to read something interesting or thought provoking-this post isn't for you. Move along, nothing to see here.
I've got a question for my fellow infertile bloggers. Some of you seem so incredibly knowledgeable on the subject and I'm wanting your highly valued opinion. I recently reviewed my bloodwork from a work-up I had done last November. Our doctor said that everything was fine and we didn't need to do anything about my hormone levels (progesterone and estrodial). However, as I looked back over the reports I noticed that my post peak estrodial numbers are slightly higher than the norm and out of the normal range. My progesterone is beautiful-textbook! But my estrodial...
Here are the numbers for Post Peak Estrodial:
P: 27.5ng/dL
P+3: 11.1 ng/dL
P+5: 14.9 ng/dL
P+7: 24.9 ng/dL (high is 16.7)
P+9: 28.1 ng/dL (high is 16.7)
P+11: 23 ng/dL (high is 15.5)
So I was looking good until P+7. Have any of you experienced something similar? What was done, if anything, for this? Do you think I need to be concerned? Should I trust my doctor and let it go or hound him about it? Decisions decisions!
And yes, I realize that none of you are experts (except maybe doctorgianna) but I trust ya'll more than google!
I've got a question for my fellow infertile bloggers. Some of you seem so incredibly knowledgeable on the subject and I'm wanting your highly valued opinion. I recently reviewed my bloodwork from a work-up I had done last November. Our doctor said that everything was fine and we didn't need to do anything about my hormone levels (progesterone and estrodial). However, as I looked back over the reports I noticed that my post peak estrodial numbers are slightly higher than the norm and out of the normal range. My progesterone is beautiful-textbook! But my estrodial...
Here are the numbers for Post Peak Estrodial:
P: 27.5ng/dL
P+3: 11.1 ng/dL
P+5: 14.9 ng/dL
P+7: 24.9 ng/dL (high is 16.7)
P+9: 28.1 ng/dL (high is 16.7)
P+11: 23 ng/dL (high is 15.5)
So I was looking good until P+7. Have any of you experienced something similar? What was done, if anything, for this? Do you think I need to be concerned? Should I trust my doctor and let it go or hound him about it? Decisions decisions!
And yes, I realize that none of you are experts (except maybe doctorgianna) but I trust ya'll more than google!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
The Irony of Health Care
I'm angry. And it isn't from the mood swings. I've been following the health care debate very closely since it was first being debated in the House last fall. Today is a big day-the House is set to vote on the Senate bill which DOES use tax payer money to fund abortions. But this post isn't about my opinion of the health care bill (I hate it by the way-our country can do WAY better) or even about the tragedy that is abortion (also hate it-this goes without saying). This anger I'm feeling right now is over the fact that abortion can be covered under ANY insurance policy, period. It doesn't matter if it's federally funded or from private pay-covering abortions under "health care" policies is absolute insanity.
Even if you actually support the "right" for a mother to kill her unborn child or think this health care nonsense is a good idea, follow me for a minute here. A baby's conception is the direct result of a man and a woman's properly functioning reproductive system. Babies are what happens when two fertile people have sex-it's as simple as that. A baby isn't a disease, a disorder, or a symptom. Women who get pregnant (and then abort their baby) have great progesterone and estrogen levels. Their ovaries are producing eggs that mature completely and erupt as they are supposed to. Their uteruses have plenty of healthy lining to support a growing baby. Their ovaries aren't covered with endo or PCOS. And their partner obviously had all of his parts working properly as well! All of the things us infertile women would die to have! These women have NOTHING wrong with their bodies (fertility speaking). Yet, insurance companies will actually pay for a healthy, fertile woman to stop the natural process that comes from her choice to have sex.
I, on the other hand, do have something wrong with my body. I'm filled with endometriosis and empty follicles that don't erupt completely. I have an actual medical condition. And what does my insurance company pay for? Nothing. Zip. Nada. Not a penny. I have a stack of Explanation of Benefits marked with "Denied-Not a Covered Service" big enough to wallpaper our living room! They must love getting claims from me-they know they won't have to pay a cent! Something inside of me isn't working correctly and they refuse to help me fix it. However, if everything inside of me started working correctly and I got pregnant, they would happily cover the cost for me to kill my baby.
Does anyone else see the irony in this??
Perfect fertility-don't want a baby: Covered!
Actual diseases, disorders, and symptoms of infertility-desperately want a baby: Not covered!
And it doesn't stop there. We also had to pay out of pocket for every visit and test that Ted went through when we did his semen analysis. He doesn't even have a problem-we were just checking! Insurance denied every single claim. Had Ted really had a problem with his FSH, motility, or something else-our insurance would still not have paid a dime. Now, flash forward 30 years. Ted's having problems "getting it up" (for lack of a better term). For purely reasons of our desire for pleasure he consults a urologist (let's even say that it's the exact same urologist he saw for his S/A-who was a jerk). Lo and behold! Viagra! And our wonderful, generous, and helpful insurance company steps up and foots the bill. They're so kind!
So what have we learned?
"Male problem" that interferes with pleasure: Covered!
"Male problem" that interferes with procreation: Not covered!
This just makes me sick. I try not to get too mad about when I'm writing the thousandth check to a doctor or hospital. But at the same time, God wants us to be mad about this. It's not ok. It's not part of His plan. I believe he wants us to be outraged about the evil and injustices of the world. Especially as they relate to the question of human life.
And it's not about the money. It's really not. More than I would like to see insurance companies coming to their senses and covering fertility treatment, I would like them to stop covering abortions and treating them like "health care". I will happily spend every last penny I have trying to get pregnant if it means that women who are already pregnant will be encouraged to choose life and not have their abortion paid for by me and the rest of the American taxpayers.
So what am I going to do about it? Well, first off, I'm going to continue to pray for the conversion of our country and all those who willingly take the life of an unborn child. And secondly, I'm going to call every one of the numbers below this afternoon and beg them to vote "no" on this health care atrocity that will results in the lives of countless more babies being killed.
God help us.
Pro-life Democrats that are undecided on how they will vote:
Marion Bery (AR) 202-225-4076
Kathy Dahlkemper (PA) 202-225-5406
Daniel Lipinski (IL) 202-225-5701
Earl Pomeroy (ND) 202-225-2611
Nick Rahall (WV) 202-225-3452
Bart Stupak (MI)202-225-4744
Steve Driehaus (OH) 202-225-2216
Joe Donnelly (IN) 202-225-3915
Jerry Costello (IL) 202-225-5661
March Kaptur (OH) 202-225-4146
Paul Kanjorski (PA) 202-225-6511
Alan Mollohan (WV) 202-225-4172
Mike Michaud (ME) 202-225-6306
Vic Snyder (AR) 202-225-2506
Harry Teague 202-225-2365
Even if you actually support the "right" for a mother to kill her unborn child or think this health care nonsense is a good idea, follow me for a minute here. A baby's conception is the direct result of a man and a woman's properly functioning reproductive system. Babies are what happens when two fertile people have sex-it's as simple as that. A baby isn't a disease, a disorder, or a symptom. Women who get pregnant (and then abort their baby) have great progesterone and estrogen levels. Their ovaries are producing eggs that mature completely and erupt as they are supposed to. Their uteruses have plenty of healthy lining to support a growing baby. Their ovaries aren't covered with endo or PCOS. And their partner obviously had all of his parts working properly as well! All of the things us infertile women would die to have! These women have NOTHING wrong with their bodies (fertility speaking). Yet, insurance companies will actually pay for a healthy, fertile woman to stop the natural process that comes from her choice to have sex.
I, on the other hand, do have something wrong with my body. I'm filled with endometriosis and empty follicles that don't erupt completely. I have an actual medical condition. And what does my insurance company pay for? Nothing. Zip. Nada. Not a penny. I have a stack of Explanation of Benefits marked with "Denied-Not a Covered Service" big enough to wallpaper our living room! They must love getting claims from me-they know they won't have to pay a cent! Something inside of me isn't working correctly and they refuse to help me fix it. However, if everything inside of me started working correctly and I got pregnant, they would happily cover the cost for me to kill my baby.
Does anyone else see the irony in this??
Perfect fertility-don't want a baby: Covered!
Actual diseases, disorders, and symptoms of infertility-desperately want a baby: Not covered!
And it doesn't stop there. We also had to pay out of pocket for every visit and test that Ted went through when we did his semen analysis. He doesn't even have a problem-we were just checking! Insurance denied every single claim. Had Ted really had a problem with his FSH, motility, or something else-our insurance would still not have paid a dime. Now, flash forward 30 years. Ted's having problems "getting it up" (for lack of a better term). For purely reasons of our desire for pleasure he consults a urologist (let's even say that it's the exact same urologist he saw for his S/A-who was a jerk). Lo and behold! Viagra! And our wonderful, generous, and helpful insurance company steps up and foots the bill. They're so kind!
So what have we learned?
"Male problem" that interferes with pleasure: Covered!
"Male problem" that interferes with procreation: Not covered!
This just makes me sick. I try not to get too mad about when I'm writing the thousandth check to a doctor or hospital. But at the same time, God wants us to be mad about this. It's not ok. It's not part of His plan. I believe he wants us to be outraged about the evil and injustices of the world. Especially as they relate to the question of human life.
And it's not about the money. It's really not. More than I would like to see insurance companies coming to their senses and covering fertility treatment, I would like them to stop covering abortions and treating them like "health care". I will happily spend every last penny I have trying to get pregnant if it means that women who are already pregnant will be encouraged to choose life and not have their abortion paid for by me and the rest of the American taxpayers.
So what am I going to do about it? Well, first off, I'm going to continue to pray for the conversion of our country and all those who willingly take the life of an unborn child. And secondly, I'm going to call every one of the numbers below this afternoon and beg them to vote "no" on this health care atrocity that will results in the lives of countless more babies being killed.
God help us.
Pro-life Democrats that are undecided on how they will vote:
Marion Bery (AR) 202-225-4076
Kathy Dahlkemper (PA) 202-225-5406
Daniel Lipinski (IL) 202-225-5701
Earl Pomeroy (ND) 202-225-2611
Nick Rahall (WV) 202-225-3452
Bart Stupak (MI)202-225-4744
Steve Driehaus (OH) 202-225-2216
Joe Donnelly (IN) 202-225-3915
Jerry Costello (IL) 202-225-5661
March Kaptur (OH) 202-225-4146
Paul Kanjorski (PA) 202-225-6511
Alan Mollohan (WV) 202-225-4172
Mike Michaud (ME) 202-225-6306
Vic Snyder (AR) 202-225-2506
Harry Teague 202-225-2365
Friday, March 19, 2010
My First Quick Takes
1. I strongly resisted the urge to ever do a "quick takes" or any other fad blogging post. But today, I couldn't resist. I had the urge to write about, well, 7 quick things that have been happening lately. I couldn't write about 7 quick things without giving Jen the credit for the idea. And on a Friday nonetheless! Her blog really is amazing. You should check it out if you haven't already.
2. I sewed something! Some friends of ours came down from Missouri and stayed with us during our Spring Break. Jessie is a talented "sewist" (I know "sewer" isn't right at least) and helped me make this cute box for our bookshelf. As long as you don't look at the bottom-I did a pretty good job! I really want to make more but I'm nervous I won't be able to do it without her help. I credit my inspiration to Sew and my sister-in-law Kate.
3. This cycle has been amazing! First a painless period, then no headaches from the clomid, then a PERFECT mucus cycle! I have felt some mood swings coming on (which are a side effect of clomid) but I've been able to recognize them coming and avoid a disastrous outburst. I've been telling Ted, "I'm getting really mad at you right now" and "I think I'm going to cry" in the calmest voice possible. I've managed to walk away when I'm mad and he just started praying when I was about to cry. This is MUCH better than the emotional roller coaster and constant headaches last month! Maybe the clomid will actually work....
4. Since my last post about the struggles I dealt with before marrying Ted, I've heard from several friends who are currently going through similar struggles. It seems that the only advice I'm able to give is what I've learned through the St. Ignatius retreat. Seriously, everyone needs to do this. I don't know how I ever made decisions without his help.
5. Ted and I enjoyed the sunny, 70 degree weather out on the lake today. He caught a bunch of bass and crappie that will be our dinner for the next couple of Fridays! I love spending time with him on the water, even though I just sleep and read. There's just something so special about being included in his favorite pastime (if you could even call it a pastime-more like an obsession). I'm thankful he doesn't mind that I don't fish and hope he realizes how much I enjoy just watching him do it.
6. With the retreat I haven't been reading as much as usual. I needed a book for the lake today and grabbed a Christmas gift from my brother-in-law. Come Be My Light: The Private Writing of Mother Teresa. I have had such a strong love for Mother Teresa since I was very little. I remember learning about her death in fourth grade and saving newspaper articles about her because I knew they would be treasures one day (unfortunately I have no idea where they are anymore). I've only read the first 3 chapters of the book, but I already love her more than ever. She was an incredible person, far more amazing than the world ever knew. I can't wait to read the rest!
7. Today is the Feast of St. Joseph! St. Joseph is Ted's patron saint and one of our favorites. I'm learning to relate to St. Joseph a little more since I began carrying our cross of infertility. He never had any children of his own either and was a "foster" parent to our Lord. I'm sure that wasn't the plan he had for himself, but I bet he was grateful for the way things turned out! We've been praying a novena to St. Joseph for the blessing of children and today will be the last day of our novena. Last night I told St. Joe that if we conceived this month we would name the baby after him in thanksgiving for answered prayers. I was kind of joking, but if it works I might feel pretty obligated! This isn't a problem if we have a boy, we've already been planning on using the middle name Joseph as it goes back as a middle name for three generations in Ted's family. But what if we have a girl?? I guess Josephine isn't too bad for a middle name...
Here's the prayer we've been praying. I got it from Jeremiah 29:11.
St. Joseph, you are the chaste and loving spouse of the Virgin Mary, foster father of Jesus, the protector and provider of the Holy Family and of all families. We have complete confidence in your loving care for new life and in your fidelity to the family. We commend our efforts to have a child to your prayers and protection. Intercede for us to God the Father that we might be blessed with the gift of new life. Help us always to defend the gift of human life that it may grow to the abundance of eternal life promised and bestowed on us by Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Not My Will
I had a liberating and life changing realization last night. And I don't say that lightly. For whatever reason, God has bless me with many "ah-ha!" moments throughout the last couple of weeks. If there's one thing I've learned from St. Ignatius it's that we need to remember the good times, the times of consolation, so that can be ready when the bad times come. I'm definitely in a "good time" with God right now. He's speaking. I'm listening. We're getting a lot accomplished. But I've been a Christian long enough to know that this doesn't last forever. In an effort to prepare myself for the spiritual desert that's destined to come at some point, I need to make an accurate record of the consolations God is blessing me with at the present moment.
I was reading the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius last night during my hold hour just as I've been doing (almost) every night for the last month. I was actually a reading a paragraph that wasn't assigned for the week, which is a no-no in the retreat. We're not supposed to jump ahead. I rationalized this by saying that Father got the page numbers wrong, this paragraph was clearly supposed to go with the other ones of this week. "I'll just take care of this little problem on my own," I thought. Well, God didn't punish me for breaking the rule-he blessed me ABUNDANTLY!
The very last line of the paragraph reached out of the book and grabbed me. It sucked me in and told me something that I can't believe I've never realized before. The line read:
For everyone must keep in mind that in all that concerns the spiritual life, his progress will be in proportion to his surrender of self-love and of his own will and interests.
It's as simple as that. Unless I surrender my own will for a baby, I will never achieve my maximum potential of holiness. It's something I've heard, read, and thought about many times before, but this time it clicked. At this point, I was overwhelmed with a deep, sinking feeling in my chest and stomach. The feeling was very familiar, I've had it several other times in my life. It's the feeling of absolute fear. Fear that is so strong it brings about a physical manifestation and leaves you almost powerless to do anything about it. I was no stranger to this type of fear.
A story to help explain the present situation:
Three times over the course of my dating relationship with Ted, I experienced the same sinking feeling that I felt last night. The physical feeling was the same, only it lasted for days, even weeks at times. The first time was shortly after Ted bought my engagement ring (I didn't know it at the time). The second was on the night that Ted asked my parents for permission to marry me (again-I had no idea. I was on a women's retreat.) The most recent and final time was just a few days before our wedding. The feeling was coming from a voice in my head saying "he's not the one".
I can't even begin to describe the amount of fear I had over the possibility that that was true. I loved Ted with my whole being. I had been affirmed by God so many, many times that he was the man I was supposed to marry. This fear was completely contradictory to that affirmation. It was so strong it made me sick. I was miserable and I was afraid. Thoughts of cancelling the wedding wouldn't leave my head. I cried and cried over the thought of loosing Ted. Of God tearing him away from me because he's "not the one". I told no one.
One thing I've learned from this St. Ignatius retreat is that the devil works in secrets. "He seeks to remain hidden and does not want to be discovered...He is greatly displeased if his evil suggestions and depraved intentions are revealed...when the enemy of our human nature tempts a just soul with his wiles and seductions, he earnestly desires that they be received secretly and kept in secret." Had I known this at that time, I would NOT have kept this feeling a secret! But I told no one out of the fear that, if I actually said it out loud, it would happen. I hoped that if I just kept pushing the feeling deeper and deeper inside and shoved the thought to the back of my mind until it returned again, it would eventually go away. I just knew that the second I opened my mouth to tell someone what was going on inside of me, it would mean the end of my wedding, my marriage, and my life with the man I loved.
At this point, I had no idea if this feeling was from God or from the devil. It didn't make sense to me that God would bring me up to the week of my wedding to a wonderful, holy man and then tear him away from me days before we pledged our love and faithfulness to each other. At the same time, I knew that God's ways were not my own and that I was not to doubt the will of God.
I've since learned that God does not work in fear. That isn't one of the tools in his belt for speaking with just souls. Fear and anxiety are always the work of the devil when a soul is truly seeking to follow God's will (which I was). I didn't know that at the time. I was so confused and scared that I actually believed God might want me to leave Ted. The logical thing to do would have been to take this to prayer, to increase my time spent in Adoration, to pray an extra rosary, or to talk to a trusted friend or priest. I did none of these things. I was scared that if I truly opened myself up to what God desired, he would take Ted away from me. I wasn't willing to honestly say to God, "I don't know if this is you or the devil speaking, but tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it. If you want me to break up with Ted, I will do it. If you want me to marry him, I will do it. Not my will, but yours be done." Had I done that, the fear would have been lifted and I know that God would have told me to grab my bouquet and walk down that aisle. But I didn't say that. I was scared that God's will wouldn't be perfectly in line with my own. And I wanted MY will. I wanted to marry Ted MORE than I wanted to do God's will. I'm still shamed at the thought...
A few days before the wedding I got a call from a very good and holy friend of mine who was to serve at our wedding Mass. He was calling to check if he was invited to the rehearsal dinner, as his invitation was sent to the wrong address. (My mom did the invitations and accidentally sent his to a different friend. She got the two confused. Don't worry mom-I now know that your guardian angel made you do it.) After I apologized for the confusion, he said the words that made all the difference. "How are you doing?" he asked. But he REALLY asked. He didn't want to know if the flowers had been ordered or if the dj was lined up. He was asking how I was really doing just days before making the biggest commitment of my life. With that question came the freedom to tell another person what had been going on. I started spewing out all the fear and confusion that had plagued my life (and my stomach) for the past several days. As I talked, I started realizing how stupid it all sounded. I realized that there was NO WAY this was from God and my friend confirmed that I was right.
As soon I shed light on the secret temptings of the devil, it was gone. It only took a five minute phone conversation and the feeling was gone. I walked down that aisle with absolute confidence that this was God's will for my life. I made my vows without even the slightest amount of fear or confusion. That sinking feeling hasn't returned since. Until last night.
Back to the present:
When I read that line in St. Ignatius' book, I was overwhelmed with the sinking feeling because I was scared that I wouldn't be able to do it. I was scared that I would never achieve true holiness because I would never be able to give up my own will to have children. The devil wanted this fear. He wanted me to doubt that I could ever advance spiritually because he doesn't want me to advance! As soon as I recognized that this feeling was not from God, it was gone. It lasted only a moment, not weeks as it had in the past. Without St. Ignatius, I never would have recognized the devil at work during my holy hour.
And then it hit me! Giving up my own will to have children is completely different from my desire to marry Ted. With Ted, I could have married him even if it wasn't God's will. God wasn't going to stop me-people marry the wrong people all the time! But that's not the case with having a baby. I can't MAKE God give me a baby. I can't MAKE myself get pregnant, no matter how hard I try. If it's not God's will for us to get pregnant, there is NOTHING I can do about it! I can only do my part, and ask God to take care of the rest.
That may sound like common sense to some people, but to me it was revolutionary. I've been clinging to my own will, my own desire to have a child out of fear that if I let go of this desire, God will never give me what I want. That sounds so stupid as I type it, but it's how I really feel. I refused to give up my will and ask God if I was supposed to marry Ted because I was afraid his answer would be "no". That would only leave me with the choice of being disobedient and marrying him anyway or breaking off the relationship with the man that I had grown to love so much. I clung to my will to hold on to what I had. But what does clinging to my will to have children bring me? Nothing! God will grant us a child if he sees fit. No amount of holding on to my own desires or clinging to my own will can make us get pregnant. It won't bring us a baby. Clinging to my own will could have meant keeping Ted, but we don't have a baby to keep!
I realized last night that I have absolutely nothing to lose in surrounding my will to God's in this situation. NOTHING TO LOSE! When it came to marriage, I had everything to lose. Marriage was a very real possibility that I could make happen if I chose to, with or without God's blessing. But when it comes to pregnancy-I have nothing! I can't CHOOSE to get pregnant! What will I gain from surrendering my will and giving up my desires for a family and striving to only desire God's plan for my life? Only holiness. Only blessing. God will not "punish" me with barrenness because I gave up my desire for children, the way I feared he would "punish" me by taking Ted away. God already knows if and when he will bless us with children. It's going to happen (or not happen) whether I surrender my will or not. I literally have nothing to lose in this situation except the chance to grow in holiness and align my will with the will of God.
How many people get the opportunity to do this? How many people are given a cross that they are powerless to get rid of? I have the chance to seriously grow in holiness through this experience, through this pain. If I choose to cling to my own desires, I won't create for myself a baby in my womb. And I won't advance in my spirituality the way God desires. If I give up my desires and surrender my will to the will of God, I won't be "cursed" with barrenness forever but I will achieve holiness and the peace that only God can give. It's already been decided. God's plan is perfect. All I have to do is surrender myself to it and enjoy the ride.
Side note:
As I reflected on this, I couldn't help but be confirmed in my belief that children are an absolute GIFT. Every time. In every situation. Without exception. They can only come with the blessing of God. I pray that people of all nations and in every generation will come to this understanding and start treating each and every single child as the GIFT of God that they are.
I was reading the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius last night during my hold hour just as I've been doing (almost) every night for the last month. I was actually a reading a paragraph that wasn't assigned for the week, which is a no-no in the retreat. We're not supposed to jump ahead. I rationalized this by saying that Father got the page numbers wrong, this paragraph was clearly supposed to go with the other ones of this week. "I'll just take care of this little problem on my own," I thought. Well, God didn't punish me for breaking the rule-he blessed me ABUNDANTLY!
The very last line of the paragraph reached out of the book and grabbed me. It sucked me in and told me something that I can't believe I've never realized before. The line read:
For everyone must keep in mind that in all that concerns the spiritual life, his progress will be in proportion to his surrender of self-love and of his own will and interests.
It's as simple as that. Unless I surrender my own will for a baby, I will never achieve my maximum potential of holiness. It's something I've heard, read, and thought about many times before, but this time it clicked. At this point, I was overwhelmed with a deep, sinking feeling in my chest and stomach. The feeling was very familiar, I've had it several other times in my life. It's the feeling of absolute fear. Fear that is so strong it brings about a physical manifestation and leaves you almost powerless to do anything about it. I was no stranger to this type of fear.
A story to help explain the present situation:
Three times over the course of my dating relationship with Ted, I experienced the same sinking feeling that I felt last night. The physical feeling was the same, only it lasted for days, even weeks at times. The first time was shortly after Ted bought my engagement ring (I didn't know it at the time). The second was on the night that Ted asked my parents for permission to marry me (again-I had no idea. I was on a women's retreat.) The most recent and final time was just a few days before our wedding. The feeling was coming from a voice in my head saying "he's not the one".
I can't even begin to describe the amount of fear I had over the possibility that that was true. I loved Ted with my whole being. I had been affirmed by God so many, many times that he was the man I was supposed to marry. This fear was completely contradictory to that affirmation. It was so strong it made me sick. I was miserable and I was afraid. Thoughts of cancelling the wedding wouldn't leave my head. I cried and cried over the thought of loosing Ted. Of God tearing him away from me because he's "not the one". I told no one.
One thing I've learned from this St. Ignatius retreat is that the devil works in secrets. "He seeks to remain hidden and does not want to be discovered...He is greatly displeased if his evil suggestions and depraved intentions are revealed...when the enemy of our human nature tempts a just soul with his wiles and seductions, he earnestly desires that they be received secretly and kept in secret." Had I known this at that time, I would NOT have kept this feeling a secret! But I told no one out of the fear that, if I actually said it out loud, it would happen. I hoped that if I just kept pushing the feeling deeper and deeper inside and shoved the thought to the back of my mind until it returned again, it would eventually go away. I just knew that the second I opened my mouth to tell someone what was going on inside of me, it would mean the end of my wedding, my marriage, and my life with the man I loved.
At this point, I had no idea if this feeling was from God or from the devil. It didn't make sense to me that God would bring me up to the week of my wedding to a wonderful, holy man and then tear him away from me days before we pledged our love and faithfulness to each other. At the same time, I knew that God's ways were not my own and that I was not to doubt the will of God.
I've since learned that God does not work in fear. That isn't one of the tools in his belt for speaking with just souls. Fear and anxiety are always the work of the devil when a soul is truly seeking to follow God's will (which I was). I didn't know that at the time. I was so confused and scared that I actually believed God might want me to leave Ted. The logical thing to do would have been to take this to prayer, to increase my time spent in Adoration, to pray an extra rosary, or to talk to a trusted friend or priest. I did none of these things. I was scared that if I truly opened myself up to what God desired, he would take Ted away from me. I wasn't willing to honestly say to God, "I don't know if this is you or the devil speaking, but tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it. If you want me to break up with Ted, I will do it. If you want me to marry him, I will do it. Not my will, but yours be done." Had I done that, the fear would have been lifted and I know that God would have told me to grab my bouquet and walk down that aisle. But I didn't say that. I was scared that God's will wouldn't be perfectly in line with my own. And I wanted MY will. I wanted to marry Ted MORE than I wanted to do God's will. I'm still shamed at the thought...
A few days before the wedding I got a call from a very good and holy friend of mine who was to serve at our wedding Mass. He was calling to check if he was invited to the rehearsal dinner, as his invitation was sent to the wrong address. (My mom did the invitations and accidentally sent his to a different friend. She got the two confused. Don't worry mom-I now know that your guardian angel made you do it.) After I apologized for the confusion, he said the words that made all the difference. "How are you doing?" he asked. But he REALLY asked. He didn't want to know if the flowers had been ordered or if the dj was lined up. He was asking how I was really doing just days before making the biggest commitment of my life. With that question came the freedom to tell another person what had been going on. I started spewing out all the fear and confusion that had plagued my life (and my stomach) for the past several days. As I talked, I started realizing how stupid it all sounded. I realized that there was NO WAY this was from God and my friend confirmed that I was right.
As soon I shed light on the secret temptings of the devil, it was gone. It only took a five minute phone conversation and the feeling was gone. I walked down that aisle with absolute confidence that this was God's will for my life. I made my vows without even the slightest amount of fear or confusion. That sinking feeling hasn't returned since. Until last night.
Back to the present:
When I read that line in St. Ignatius' book, I was overwhelmed with the sinking feeling because I was scared that I wouldn't be able to do it. I was scared that I would never achieve true holiness because I would never be able to give up my own will to have children. The devil wanted this fear. He wanted me to doubt that I could ever advance spiritually because he doesn't want me to advance! As soon as I recognized that this feeling was not from God, it was gone. It lasted only a moment, not weeks as it had in the past. Without St. Ignatius, I never would have recognized the devil at work during my holy hour.
And then it hit me! Giving up my own will to have children is completely different from my desire to marry Ted. With Ted, I could have married him even if it wasn't God's will. God wasn't going to stop me-people marry the wrong people all the time! But that's not the case with having a baby. I can't MAKE God give me a baby. I can't MAKE myself get pregnant, no matter how hard I try. If it's not God's will for us to get pregnant, there is NOTHING I can do about it! I can only do my part, and ask God to take care of the rest.
That may sound like common sense to some people, but to me it was revolutionary. I've been clinging to my own will, my own desire to have a child out of fear that if I let go of this desire, God will never give me what I want. That sounds so stupid as I type it, but it's how I really feel. I refused to give up my will and ask God if I was supposed to marry Ted because I was afraid his answer would be "no". That would only leave me with the choice of being disobedient and marrying him anyway or breaking off the relationship with the man that I had grown to love so much. I clung to my will to hold on to what I had. But what does clinging to my will to have children bring me? Nothing! God will grant us a child if he sees fit. No amount of holding on to my own desires or clinging to my own will can make us get pregnant. It won't bring us a baby. Clinging to my own will could have meant keeping Ted, but we don't have a baby to keep!
I realized last night that I have absolutely nothing to lose in surrounding my will to God's in this situation. NOTHING TO LOSE! When it came to marriage, I had everything to lose. Marriage was a very real possibility that I could make happen if I chose to, with or without God's blessing. But when it comes to pregnancy-I have nothing! I can't CHOOSE to get pregnant! What will I gain from surrendering my will and giving up my desires for a family and striving to only desire God's plan for my life? Only holiness. Only blessing. God will not "punish" me with barrenness because I gave up my desire for children, the way I feared he would "punish" me by taking Ted away. God already knows if and when he will bless us with children. It's going to happen (or not happen) whether I surrender my will or not. I literally have nothing to lose in this situation except the chance to grow in holiness and align my will with the will of God.
How many people get the opportunity to do this? How many people are given a cross that they are powerless to get rid of? I have the chance to seriously grow in holiness through this experience, through this pain. If I choose to cling to my own desires, I won't create for myself a baby in my womb. And I won't advance in my spirituality the way God desires. If I give up my desires and surrender my will to the will of God, I won't be "cursed" with barrenness forever but I will achieve holiness and the peace that only God can give. It's already been decided. God's plan is perfect. All I have to do is surrender myself to it and enjoy the ride.
Side note:
As I reflected on this, I couldn't help but be confirmed in my belief that children are an absolute GIFT. Every time. In every situation. Without exception. They can only come with the blessing of God. I pray that people of all nations and in every generation will come to this understanding and start treating each and every single child as the GIFT of God that they are.
Detaching from Motherhood
I'm about halfway through the Lenten/St. Ignatius retreat and I'm at a point when I'm wondering how I ever made ANY kind of spiritual progress before I read this stuff! This is life changing! At no other time in my life have things molded and conformed together the way things have been lately. With Fr. John leading the retreat, his homilies have been more than applicable lately. His preaching has been so aligned with the focus of the retreat that Mass has become part of the retreat itself! Our best friends here in Mississippi are doing it also, and it helps so much to have conversations about the lessons and how they apply to our lives. Even the music minister at church is on the retreat and it seems that even the songs at Mass are corresponding to the perfectly planned meditations written by St. Ignatius so many years ago. God is so good!
The focus of the retreat lately has been shifting to our attachments and the need to rid ourselves of them. St. Ignatius presents attachments as anything that keeps us from living the life that God has planned for us. The primary example in the exercises is the attachment to money. At first, I had a hard time relating to this. It's pretty easy to be free from the attachment to money when you don't have any! After some reflection, my attachment became pretty clear. I'm attached to motherhood.
At first I wrote this off as something that's acceptable to be attached to, even honorable perhaps. I made a vow at the alter on my wedding day to "accept children lovingly from God and bring them up in the faith". I took that vow very seriously. When I said "we will" to that vow, the only tears of the entire day welled up in my eyes and barely kept from falling down my overly made-up cheeks. It is an honorable thing to desire to have a child. For 99% of the population, this is what God desires also. But it may not be that way for us. His will might not include us getting pregnant.
I still wasn't satisfied with this though. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was supposed to "detach" myself from my desires to be a mother. I truly believe that this desire is from God, as it's been on my heart since I was a little girl. There are certain aspects of the desire, however, that are not of God and do not correspond with his plan. When I walk through the aisles of Wal-Mart and stop to pick out a car seat, waste time at work by daydreaming about maternity leave, or imagine the fuss people will make over me if we ever do get pregnant-I'm not honoring God. I'm attaching myself to the "glamorous" life of a mother. These things are not evil, or even sinful. I realize that. But they don't lead me closer to God and his plan for my life. I can be just as attached to my desires to paint the spare bedroom blue, shop for the cutest outfits, and do all the things that only mommies get to do as someone attached to their thousands of hard-earned dollars.
This ultimately led me to the difficult question of "why do I REALLY want to have a baby?" Do I want a baby because I desire to truly give up my own will for that of another person? Because I want to love someone that way only a mother can? Because I want to become less selfish and more giving? Because I want to raise a child up for the service of God and lead them to holiness the best way I know how? Or is it because I want a super cute family picture to put on our Christmas cards? Because I want to feel included when women talk about their pregnancies and births? Because I don't want to be left out when all of our friends grow closer over the common bond of their children?
If I'm completely honest with myself, I want a baby for all of those reasons. There is a true and pure desire in me for children because of the blessing that they are to God and his kingdom. But there is also a worldly and materialistic desire to fit in with the rest of society and tout all of my "knowledge" of all things baby. This second desire is natural, of course. But it's not Godly. It doesn't bring me closer to fulfilling his plan for my life and it only makes the pain of a negative pregnancy test that much worse.
I know I need to rid myself of the worldly desires I have for a child. I can't grow in holiness if I'm clinging to thought of a "perfect" little family. How I'm going to do that, I'm not exactly sure. Prayers for the graces, obviously. Maybe we need to try to keep from talking so much about our non-existent children of the future. Maybe I need to take a break from reading up on parenting tips and motherhood. As I said before, these things aren't bad, but they definitely aren't helping. Anyone else have any suggestions??
The focus of the retreat lately has been shifting to our attachments and the need to rid ourselves of them. St. Ignatius presents attachments as anything that keeps us from living the life that God has planned for us. The primary example in the exercises is the attachment to money. At first, I had a hard time relating to this. It's pretty easy to be free from the attachment to money when you don't have any! After some reflection, my attachment became pretty clear. I'm attached to motherhood.
At first I wrote this off as something that's acceptable to be attached to, even honorable perhaps. I made a vow at the alter on my wedding day to "accept children lovingly from God and bring them up in the faith". I took that vow very seriously. When I said "we will" to that vow, the only tears of the entire day welled up in my eyes and barely kept from falling down my overly made-up cheeks. It is an honorable thing to desire to have a child. For 99% of the population, this is what God desires also. But it may not be that way for us. His will might not include us getting pregnant.
I still wasn't satisfied with this though. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was supposed to "detach" myself from my desires to be a mother. I truly believe that this desire is from God, as it's been on my heart since I was a little girl. There are certain aspects of the desire, however, that are not of God and do not correspond with his plan. When I walk through the aisles of Wal-Mart and stop to pick out a car seat, waste time at work by daydreaming about maternity leave, or imagine the fuss people will make over me if we ever do get pregnant-I'm not honoring God. I'm attaching myself to the "glamorous" life of a mother. These things are not evil, or even sinful. I realize that. But they don't lead me closer to God and his plan for my life. I can be just as attached to my desires to paint the spare bedroom blue, shop for the cutest outfits, and do all the things that only mommies get to do as someone attached to their thousands of hard-earned dollars.
This ultimately led me to the difficult question of "why do I REALLY want to have a baby?" Do I want a baby because I desire to truly give up my own will for that of another person? Because I want to love someone that way only a mother can? Because I want to become less selfish and more giving? Because I want to raise a child up for the service of God and lead them to holiness the best way I know how? Or is it because I want a super cute family picture to put on our Christmas cards? Because I want to feel included when women talk about their pregnancies and births? Because I don't want to be left out when all of our friends grow closer over the common bond of their children?
If I'm completely honest with myself, I want a baby for all of those reasons. There is a true and pure desire in me for children because of the blessing that they are to God and his kingdom. But there is also a worldly and materialistic desire to fit in with the rest of society and tout all of my "knowledge" of all things baby. This second desire is natural, of course. But it's not Godly. It doesn't bring me closer to fulfilling his plan for my life and it only makes the pain of a negative pregnancy test that much worse.
I know I need to rid myself of the worldly desires I have for a child. I can't grow in holiness if I'm clinging to thought of a "perfect" little family. How I'm going to do that, I'm not exactly sure. Prayers for the graces, obviously. Maybe we need to try to keep from talking so much about our non-existent children of the future. Maybe I need to take a break from reading up on parenting tips and motherhood. As I said before, these things aren't bad, but they definitely aren't helping. Anyone else have any suggestions??
Sunday, March 7, 2010
The Sacrifice of Mary and Joseph
I thought I'd share another reflection I had from the Lenten/St. Ignatius retreat. I don't know how theologically sound it is, but I've never claimed to be a theologian. (Deacon Jason, if you're reading this-feel free to correct me :)
The first part of the retreat called for reflection on ourselves and our sinfulness. The second part is asking us to reflect more on the life of Christ. St. Ignatius is leading us through a series of reflections and meditations on the different milestones in Christ's life. He ends each instruction with the words, "Reflect upon this to draw some fruit from each of these details." After a couple of dry reflections, I was getting kind of angry with him. He made "drawing fruit" sound so easy! I think I even said in my head, "I'm not getting any fruit here St. Ignatius!"
Then one meditation really hit me. It was on the birth of our Lord in Bethlehem. I was supposed to do this reflection on Thursday, which was cycle day 1, and that's what caused the major meltdown. By Saturday, I was ready to do it. I read through the Nativity story (in Luke of course) and pictured myself as a "little unworthy slave" attending to Mary during and after the birth of Christ. I found myself observing the beautiful sacrifices that Mary and Joseph endured for their Son. It hit me that Mary and Joseph (and especially Mary) are the two people that have sacrificed and suffered more for Christ than any other human beings on the face of the earth. Not that others haven't laid down their lives for him, many are still doing so, but Mary and Joseph sacrificed for him in the flesh. Without the initial sacrifices of Mary and Joseph, there would be no Christian today to even have the ability to lay down their life for Christ. They offered up so much pain and suffering for this tiny, very human, little baby. No one on earth will ever be able to offer that much to Christ, as his earthly body is no longer with us. (except in the Eucharist of course!)
That wasn't the "fruit" though. That was just a realization. It then occurred to me, as I continued to watch this unfold as a "little slave", that at the time of their sacrifices and suffering, Mary and Joseph had NO IDEA what kind of sacrifice their Son would return to them. They gave him absolutely everything they had, but he gave them back so much more. They sacrificed and suffered to bring him into this world, but he gave his very life so that they could have eternal life when they left it. Not to diminish the sacrifice of Jesus' mom and dad, but it paled in comparison to the sacrifice of their Son for them! They sacrificed more than any other human ever did or ever can, yet it's nowhere near the level of sacrifice that Jesus offered to us on the cross.
And now for the "fruit". My sacrifice and suffering from not being able to have children is so small in comparison to the sacrifices of Mary and Joseph. Even if I offered EVERY SINGLE tear and heartache to our Lord (which, I assure you, I don't) it would never equal the level of sacrifice that Jesus' parents made for him. And since even their beautiful sacrifice wasn't equal to the sacrifice he made for them, how could I ever expect mine to be?
Even I spent the rest of my life barren and miserable, offering all of my sorrow to Jesus, I would still not be able to measure up to his sacrifice. I should be GRATEFUL for the sorrow that comes with infertility because it brings me one tiny step closer to offering back to Jesus what he offered for me on the cross. (I said it-grateful! I know it with my head, I don't think I feel it in my heart yet.) And that realization was some "fruit" worth chewing on.
The first part of the retreat called for reflection on ourselves and our sinfulness. The second part is asking us to reflect more on the life of Christ. St. Ignatius is leading us through a series of reflections and meditations on the different milestones in Christ's life. He ends each instruction with the words, "Reflect upon this to draw some fruit from each of these details." After a couple of dry reflections, I was getting kind of angry with him. He made "drawing fruit" sound so easy! I think I even said in my head, "I'm not getting any fruit here St. Ignatius!"
Then one meditation really hit me. It was on the birth of our Lord in Bethlehem. I was supposed to do this reflection on Thursday, which was cycle day 1, and that's what caused the major meltdown. By Saturday, I was ready to do it. I read through the Nativity story (in Luke of course) and pictured myself as a "little unworthy slave" attending to Mary during and after the birth of Christ. I found myself observing the beautiful sacrifices that Mary and Joseph endured for their Son. It hit me that Mary and Joseph (and especially Mary) are the two people that have sacrificed and suffered more for Christ than any other human beings on the face of the earth. Not that others haven't laid down their lives for him, many are still doing so, but Mary and Joseph sacrificed for him in the flesh. Without the initial sacrifices of Mary and Joseph, there would be no Christian today to even have the ability to lay down their life for Christ. They offered up so much pain and suffering for this tiny, very human, little baby. No one on earth will ever be able to offer that much to Christ, as his earthly body is no longer with us. (except in the Eucharist of course!)
That wasn't the "fruit" though. That was just a realization. It then occurred to me, as I continued to watch this unfold as a "little slave", that at the time of their sacrifices and suffering, Mary and Joseph had NO IDEA what kind of sacrifice their Son would return to them. They gave him absolutely everything they had, but he gave them back so much more. They sacrificed and suffered to bring him into this world, but he gave his very life so that they could have eternal life when they left it. Not to diminish the sacrifice of Jesus' mom and dad, but it paled in comparison to the sacrifice of their Son for them! They sacrificed more than any other human ever did or ever can, yet it's nowhere near the level of sacrifice that Jesus offered to us on the cross.
And now for the "fruit". My sacrifice and suffering from not being able to have children is so small in comparison to the sacrifices of Mary and Joseph. Even if I offered EVERY SINGLE tear and heartache to our Lord (which, I assure you, I don't) it would never equal the level of sacrifice that Jesus' parents made for him. And since even their beautiful sacrifice wasn't equal to the sacrifice he made for them, how could I ever expect mine to be?
Even I spent the rest of my life barren and miserable, offering all of my sorrow to Jesus, I would still not be able to measure up to his sacrifice. I should be GRATEFUL for the sorrow that comes with infertility because it brings me one tiny step closer to offering back to Jesus what he offered for me on the cross. (I said it-grateful! I know it with my head, I don't think I feel it in my heart yet.) And that realization was some "fruit" worth chewing on.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Good Things
Good things that happened today despite the epic meltdown that occurred last night (after I wrote the post for the day):
1. Work wasn't awful. It wasn't great-but it wasn't awful.
2. Ted surprised me by sticking a bag of chocolate chips in my lunch box. He often writes notes on my napkin for me to read at lunch time, but this was an extra surprise! I bragged to all the ladies in my office about how wonderful he is. Part of his note today said "I'm madly in love with you." I'm so blessed.
3. This has been one of the most PAINLESS periods of my life. Dr. G. does good work. I required only a couple of doses of Tyl.enol and Ibeup.rofen. Let's hope that's here to stay! (Actually, let's hope this is the last one for a long, long while! I'll go out on a good note!)
4. I got to see one of my favorite kids (ok-definitely the favorite) at work today. I only work with him on Fridays and I look forward to it all week. He's three years old, has Down's Syndrome, and is Hispanic. His family speaks very little English and I love getting to practice my Spanish skills ("Punta la pelota. Sienta te. No boca! Esta bien!"). He shot me this look today that melted my heart. To the core. His smile makes my entire job worth while.
5. I got to talk to my sister on the phone and got the great news that she passed her major nursing test! Not only that, but she scored in the 96th percentile! She is going to be such an amazing nurse when she graduates in May. She's so convicted to practice in a way that is in line with the Church and already has a job at a Catholic hospital! It's been a huge blessing to be able to call her and ask her all sorts of questions with my surgery and all its complications. I've been secretly praying that she'll soon discover the wonderful world of NaPro...
6. This didn't happen today-but I want to give a shout out to my other sister, who recently interviewed for a FULL RIDE scholarship at the college that I went to! She won't find out if she got it for a few weeks, but she did great in the interview regardless.
7. The weather is beautiful. Finally reached 60 degrees and is just gorgeous out. We're going to a bonfire tonight with some of Ted's fellow "fish squeezers". I love being a Mississippi hick!
So yes, I woke up this morning and put yesterday behind me. That's all I can do. It will get better tomorrow and the day after that.
1. Work wasn't awful. It wasn't great-but it wasn't awful.
2. Ted surprised me by sticking a bag of chocolate chips in my lunch box. He often writes notes on my napkin for me to read at lunch time, but this was an extra surprise! I bragged to all the ladies in my office about how wonderful he is. Part of his note today said "I'm madly in love with you." I'm so blessed.
3. This has been one of the most PAINLESS periods of my life. Dr. G. does good work. I required only a couple of doses of Tyl.enol and Ibeup.rofen. Let's hope that's here to stay! (Actually, let's hope this is the last one for a long, long while! I'll go out on a good note!)
4. I got to see one of my favorite kids (ok-definitely the favorite) at work today. I only work with him on Fridays and I look forward to it all week. He's three years old, has Down's Syndrome, and is Hispanic. His family speaks very little English and I love getting to practice my Spanish skills ("Punta la pelota. Sienta te. No boca! Esta bien!"). He shot me this look today that melted my heart. To the core. His smile makes my entire job worth while.
5. I got to talk to my sister on the phone and got the great news that she passed her major nursing test! Not only that, but she scored in the 96th percentile! She is going to be such an amazing nurse when she graduates in May. She's so convicted to practice in a way that is in line with the Church and already has a job at a Catholic hospital! It's been a huge blessing to be able to call her and ask her all sorts of questions with my surgery and all its complications. I've been secretly praying that she'll soon discover the wonderful world of NaPro...
6. This didn't happen today-but I want to give a shout out to my other sister, who recently interviewed for a FULL RIDE scholarship at the college that I went to! She won't find out if she got it for a few weeks, but she did great in the interview regardless.
7. The weather is beautiful. Finally reached 60 degrees and is just gorgeous out. We're going to a bonfire tonight with some of Ted's fellow "fish squeezers". I love being a Mississippi hick!
So yes, I woke up this morning and put yesterday behind me. That's all I can do. It will get better tomorrow and the day after that.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
A Slowly Diminishing Hope
I hate days like this. Work was crazy. I had way too much to do and not enough time to do it all. Today was just an all around bad day. It was bad even without considering the fact that we got a definite NO this month and are definitely NOT pregnant. The silver lining I suppose is that my cramps weren't bad enough to keep me away from work (which actually would have been a lucky break now that I think about it...)
I managed to hold back tears all day until Ted came home. Even when I was wrestling with insurance companies on the phone. But seeing him after I find out there won't be a baby this month is always hard. It just opens the floodgates. But it's not like I didn't already know that we weren't pregnant. My PMS symptoms started over a week ago. It's pretty hard to hold out hope that you might be pregnant when your back hurts, your face breaks out, your boobs hurt, and you have cramps for an entire week before you start your period. And what are the odds that my pregnancy symptoms would be exactly the same as my PMS symptoms have been for the last 12 years of my life? Pretty unlikely.
In a way, it's nice that I can see it coming. I don't ever have to deal with going to the bathroom and being surprised to find out I'm not pregnant. I find out the sad news slowly, spread out over a week. With each new pain or cramp I hold out hope that it's from something different this month. My boobs start to hurt and I think, "that could also be from pregnancy". My face breaks out and I think, "maybe it's all that chocolate I just ate." Monday night I walked into the kitchen and started looking around to see if we had any cupcakes. I knew we didn't-I haven't made cupcakes in years. But those dang carb cravings are so strong that I actually expect to see a dozen cupcakes sitting in my cabinet. I told Ted I was looking for cupcakes and he said, "guess we're not pregnant this month, huh?" "It was the cupcakes that did us in," I replied. Even knowing all of that I still took a pregnancy test last night before my follow up meeting with my Creighton NFP teacher. I knew it would be negative, but I did it anyway. A moment of weakness. Or of hopefulness. I'm not sure which.
Maybe God designed my body like this to keep me from experiencing one giant sucker punch on cycle day 1. Maybe he knew that would be too much for me. He lets me draw my sorrow out gradually, over the course of a week or more. He lets the hope fade slowly so I can used to it little by little. But I do hold out hope, however irrational, until I get the final confirmation.
I promised myself I wasn't going to let myself get too upset this month. It's only our first time trying since the surgery AND with the medicine. I kept telling myself, "It's like we're starting all over. We've technically only been trying for ONE month, not 19. Not getting pregnant after only ONE month is totally normal!" Did it work? Not at all. That thought was no comfort when the time actually came. The tears came just like it had been 19.
Usually I "celebrate" cycle day 1 with a bud light or a margarita. After avoiding alcohol all month, I always say, "well, on the bright side-I'm gonna have a beer!" However, I gave up all drinks other than water for Lent. I thought about letting it slide today, but Ted helped me stick it out. Instead we went out to eat. He never expects me to cook for him on days like this. We've been saving a coupon to Ruby Tuesday's and he decided we should use it. I was secretly hoping to save it for a celebration dinner when we saw our first positive pregnancy test. (I know what you're thinking. "You find out you're pregnant after all this time and you're worried about using a COUPON for your celebration dinner?!?!" Yes, we really are that cheap most of the time. Blame it on the bills for the services that get us to the point of actually having a celebration dinner.) I guess a drown-your-sorrows dinner is another good reason though. At least it was a night out with my sweet husband. And it did help take my mind off things. I didn't order a margarita, but my steak was sill mooing and the broccoli was covered in butter and it was wonderful!
So, I'm ready to put this day behind me. I saw on someone's facebook wall today the following quote: Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it's the quiet voice inside saying "I will try again tomorrow." That person is currently in the grad program I graduated from last year. I know exactly how she feels. We'll both try again tomorrow.
And no, I will NOT be watching The Office tonight like the rest of the world. Somehow seeing Jim and Pam give birth to their baby conceived on "accident" and out of wedlock just doesn't seem all that appealing...
I managed to hold back tears all day until Ted came home. Even when I was wrestling with insurance companies on the phone. But seeing him after I find out there won't be a baby this month is always hard. It just opens the floodgates. But it's not like I didn't already know that we weren't pregnant. My PMS symptoms started over a week ago. It's pretty hard to hold out hope that you might be pregnant when your back hurts, your face breaks out, your boobs hurt, and you have cramps for an entire week before you start your period. And what are the odds that my pregnancy symptoms would be exactly the same as my PMS symptoms have been for the last 12 years of my life? Pretty unlikely.
In a way, it's nice that I can see it coming. I don't ever have to deal with going to the bathroom and being surprised to find out I'm not pregnant. I find out the sad news slowly, spread out over a week. With each new pain or cramp I hold out hope that it's from something different this month. My boobs start to hurt and I think, "that could also be from pregnancy". My face breaks out and I think, "maybe it's all that chocolate I just ate." Monday night I walked into the kitchen and started looking around to see if we had any cupcakes. I knew we didn't-I haven't made cupcakes in years. But those dang carb cravings are so strong that I actually expect to see a dozen cupcakes sitting in my cabinet. I told Ted I was looking for cupcakes and he said, "guess we're not pregnant this month, huh?" "It was the cupcakes that did us in," I replied. Even knowing all of that I still took a pregnancy test last night before my follow up meeting with my Creighton NFP teacher. I knew it would be negative, but I did it anyway. A moment of weakness. Or of hopefulness. I'm not sure which.
Maybe God designed my body like this to keep me from experiencing one giant sucker punch on cycle day 1. Maybe he knew that would be too much for me. He lets me draw my sorrow out gradually, over the course of a week or more. He lets the hope fade slowly so I can used to it little by little. But I do hold out hope, however irrational, until I get the final confirmation.
I promised myself I wasn't going to let myself get too upset this month. It's only our first time trying since the surgery AND with the medicine. I kept telling myself, "It's like we're starting all over. We've technically only been trying for ONE month, not 19. Not getting pregnant after only ONE month is totally normal!" Did it work? Not at all. That thought was no comfort when the time actually came. The tears came just like it had been 19.
Usually I "celebrate" cycle day 1 with a bud light or a margarita. After avoiding alcohol all month, I always say, "well, on the bright side-I'm gonna have a beer!" However, I gave up all drinks other than water for Lent. I thought about letting it slide today, but Ted helped me stick it out. Instead we went out to eat. He never expects me to cook for him on days like this. We've been saving a coupon to Ruby Tuesday's and he decided we should use it. I was secretly hoping to save it for a celebration dinner when we saw our first positive pregnancy test. (I know what you're thinking. "You find out you're pregnant after all this time and you're worried about using a COUPON for your celebration dinner?!?!" Yes, we really are that cheap most of the time. Blame it on the bills for the services that get us to the point of actually having a celebration dinner.) I guess a drown-your-sorrows dinner is another good reason though. At least it was a night out with my sweet husband. And it did help take my mind off things. I didn't order a margarita, but my steak was sill mooing and the broccoli was covered in butter and it was wonderful!
So, I'm ready to put this day behind me. I saw on someone's facebook wall today the following quote: Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it's the quiet voice inside saying "I will try again tomorrow." That person is currently in the grad program I graduated from last year. I know exactly how she feels. We'll both try again tomorrow.
And no, I will NOT be watching The Office tonight like the rest of the world. Somehow seeing Jim and Pam give birth to their baby conceived on "accident" and out of wedlock just doesn't seem all that appealing...
Monday, March 1, 2010
In Praise of NaPro Doctors
As I've mentioned in previous posts, Ted and I have sought out and found a wonderful doctor in Jackson, TN. Some people have asked why we would bother driving three hours one way to see a doctor when there are OBs right down the road. My answer: why WOULDN'T we??
Our doctor is a NaPro doctor. NaPro is short for Natural Procreative Technology. NaPro Technology is a woman's health science that seeks to diagnose and treat women's health problems in a way that is fully cooperative with her body. Nothing is supressed or overridden with regards to her God-given gift of her cycle. It is not soley a "Catholic" medicine, however, at the time most of the practioners are Catholic. The following are just a few of the multitude of reasons every woman on the plant should have access to these saintly doctors.
1. Every NaPro doctor I have ever met (three total) has given me more time and attention that every other doctor (probably more than 30) has given me combined! When Ted and I went to our first visit with Dr. G (our current NaPro doctor) we were asked by the nurse, "would you like a glass of water or something. It'll probably be a very long visit." We started talking with Dr. G at 3:00 and didn't leave his office until after it had closed around 5:30. He listened to me tell him my entire medical history, answered every single question we asked, told us all of the options we could pursue, and did so without once leaving the room or making us feel rushed. If you've never been to a NaPro doctor-your jaw is probably on the floor right now.
2. NaPro doctors don't prescribe "medicine" that is harmful to a woman's body and contrary to Church teaching. Birth control does not fix endometriosis. It does not fix painful periods. It merely supresses the symptoms and postpones true healing. And it does so while creating a hostile enviroment to the many, many babies that are conceived despite the pill. [I've even heard one estimation that the average woman on the pill for most of her child bearing years will have an many as seven abortions without ever knowing it.] Most doctors don't tell their patients that one of the ways birth control pills work (especially low dose pills) is to prevent conceived embryoes from implanting into the uterus, thus causing abortion. NaPro doctors tell their patients this. NaPro doctors don't allow women to unknowingly abort their babies. My first NaPro doctor told me that, even if birth control wasn't evil, he would still not prescribe it because it's bad medicine. It's not just immoral, it's unethical. He compared it to having your broken car towed all over town instead of having the engine repaired. "I'm not here to tow your car," he said.
3. NaPro doctors use a woman's unique and unrepeatable biological signs to help them in determining the problem. Every other OB I've ever been to has told me that "progesterone needs to be drawn on day 22 or 23, ovulation always occurs on day 14, etc." That is all based on a 28 day cycle. What woman in the world has a 28 day cycle every single month? In the last 8 months my cycle has been 28 days long only twice. That's only 25% of the time! My NaPro doctor has me keep detailed records of my cycle and all important changes to determine the best days to do bloodwork, ultrasounds, etc. It just makes sense and it's absolute lunacy that doctors still exist in this country that base everything on a 28 day cycle. When I needed to have ultrasounds done on particular days of my cycle and those days fell on the weekend, my doctor understood the importance of those days and came in on Saturday and Sunday when the office was closed to get it done. He even arranged for me to have an ultrasound and bloodwork done on Thanksgiving!
4. In addition to the time and attention our doctor gives us during our visits, he makes sure that we're ok even after we leave his office. I can call and email his nurse with any single question or concern that crosses my mind. He has called me personally after hours to discuss my treatment and talked to me for nearly 30 minutes! He even gave us his cell phone once. When I was experiencing some complications after my surgery, I wrestled with calling for hours before I finally did it. When I did I immediately started apologizing for calling, he completely ignored it and started asking me 20 questions to make sure I was ok. He did not mind in the least that I called. He trusted that I would only have done it if it was absolutely necessary. Since he's three hours away, he's told us that he's willing to do the majority of our treatment monitoring by phone and email. I asked him how that would be billed (as our insurance doesn't cover phone visits-not that it matters, they don't cover fertility anyway). He replied, "Kaitlin, I'm not billing you for this. This is my pleasure." When I said, "Are you sure??" He replied, "Yes, I'm sure. And do not take the fact that I'm not billing you mean that you can't call whenever you want. You call anytime you have questions and I'll answer them."
5. My doctor's primary concern is healing my body so that I can get pregnant and carry a baby to term. It is NOT to get me pregnant at all costs no matter what it takes. He is treating my disease and my symptoms, not pumping me full of medicine without bothering to find out what the actual problem is. He's not sending me on for invitro (which he would never do anyway) without getting to the bottom line about what's really wrong with me.
6. NaPro doctors pray for their clients. This is not to say that other doctors don't-but I've never been told of any other doctor's prayers. Just the other night I was getting off the phone with my doctor (at 7:30 pm) and he said "I'm praying for you and Ted, Kaitlin." I know he means it. My friend Lauren attended a Mass in St. Louis with the archbishop for couples struggling with infertility (in our honor) a few weeks ago. A NaPro doctor was there and read the petitions. Amazing.
Thinking this all sounds too good to be true? It's not. They're real. And anyone whose ever come in contact with one of these great doctors knows exactly what I'm talking about.
Lord, please watch over all NaPro doctors, your most faithful and obedient servents. Bless them abundantly and bring all doctors to know of the truth of their practice. St. Luke, pray for them!
For more info check out this interview with Dr. Hilgers, founder of the Pope Paul VI Institue and the man responsible for NaPro Technology.
http://ewtn.edgeboss.net/download/ewtn/audiolibrary/wo_02022007.mp3
Our doctor is a NaPro doctor. NaPro is short for Natural Procreative Technology. NaPro Technology is a woman's health science that seeks to diagnose and treat women's health problems in a way that is fully cooperative with her body. Nothing is supressed or overridden with regards to her God-given gift of her cycle. It is not soley a "Catholic" medicine, however, at the time most of the practioners are Catholic. The following are just a few of the multitude of reasons every woman on the plant should have access to these saintly doctors.
1. Every NaPro doctor I have ever met (three total) has given me more time and attention that every other doctor (probably more than 30) has given me combined! When Ted and I went to our first visit with Dr. G (our current NaPro doctor) we were asked by the nurse, "would you like a glass of water or something. It'll probably be a very long visit." We started talking with Dr. G at 3:00 and didn't leave his office until after it had closed around 5:30. He listened to me tell him my entire medical history, answered every single question we asked, told us all of the options we could pursue, and did so without once leaving the room or making us feel rushed. If you've never been to a NaPro doctor-your jaw is probably on the floor right now.
2. NaPro doctors don't prescribe "medicine" that is harmful to a woman's body and contrary to Church teaching. Birth control does not fix endometriosis. It does not fix painful periods. It merely supresses the symptoms and postpones true healing. And it does so while creating a hostile enviroment to the many, many babies that are conceived despite the pill. [I've even heard one estimation that the average woman on the pill for most of her child bearing years will have an many as seven abortions without ever knowing it.] Most doctors don't tell their patients that one of the ways birth control pills work (especially low dose pills) is to prevent conceived embryoes from implanting into the uterus, thus causing abortion. NaPro doctors tell their patients this. NaPro doctors don't allow women to unknowingly abort their babies. My first NaPro doctor told me that, even if birth control wasn't evil, he would still not prescribe it because it's bad medicine. It's not just immoral, it's unethical. He compared it to having your broken car towed all over town instead of having the engine repaired. "I'm not here to tow your car," he said.
3. NaPro doctors use a woman's unique and unrepeatable biological signs to help them in determining the problem. Every other OB I've ever been to has told me that "progesterone needs to be drawn on day 22 or 23, ovulation always occurs on day 14, etc." That is all based on a 28 day cycle. What woman in the world has a 28 day cycle every single month? In the last 8 months my cycle has been 28 days long only twice. That's only 25% of the time! My NaPro doctor has me keep detailed records of my cycle and all important changes to determine the best days to do bloodwork, ultrasounds, etc. It just makes sense and it's absolute lunacy that doctors still exist in this country that base everything on a 28 day cycle. When I needed to have ultrasounds done on particular days of my cycle and those days fell on the weekend, my doctor understood the importance of those days and came in on Saturday and Sunday when the office was closed to get it done. He even arranged for me to have an ultrasound and bloodwork done on Thanksgiving!
4. In addition to the time and attention our doctor gives us during our visits, he makes sure that we're ok even after we leave his office. I can call and email his nurse with any single question or concern that crosses my mind. He has called me personally after hours to discuss my treatment and talked to me for nearly 30 minutes! He even gave us his cell phone once. When I was experiencing some complications after my surgery, I wrestled with calling for hours before I finally did it. When I did I immediately started apologizing for calling, he completely ignored it and started asking me 20 questions to make sure I was ok. He did not mind in the least that I called. He trusted that I would only have done it if it was absolutely necessary. Since he's three hours away, he's told us that he's willing to do the majority of our treatment monitoring by phone and email. I asked him how that would be billed (as our insurance doesn't cover phone visits-not that it matters, they don't cover fertility anyway). He replied, "Kaitlin, I'm not billing you for this. This is my pleasure." When I said, "Are you sure??" He replied, "Yes, I'm sure. And do not take the fact that I'm not billing you mean that you can't call whenever you want. You call anytime you have questions and I'll answer them."
5. My doctor's primary concern is healing my body so that I can get pregnant and carry a baby to term. It is NOT to get me pregnant at all costs no matter what it takes. He is treating my disease and my symptoms, not pumping me full of medicine without bothering to find out what the actual problem is. He's not sending me on for invitro (which he would never do anyway) without getting to the bottom line about what's really wrong with me.
6. NaPro doctors pray for their clients. This is not to say that other doctors don't-but I've never been told of any other doctor's prayers. Just the other night I was getting off the phone with my doctor (at 7:30 pm) and he said "I'm praying for you and Ted, Kaitlin." I know he means it. My friend Lauren attended a Mass in St. Louis with the archbishop for couples struggling with infertility (in our honor) a few weeks ago. A NaPro doctor was there and read the petitions. Amazing.
Thinking this all sounds too good to be true? It's not. They're real. And anyone whose ever come in contact with one of these great doctors knows exactly what I'm talking about.
Lord, please watch over all NaPro doctors, your most faithful and obedient servents. Bless them abundantly and bring all doctors to know of the truth of their practice. St. Luke, pray for them!
For more info check out this interview with Dr. Hilgers, founder of the Pope Paul VI Institue and the man responsible for NaPro Technology.
http://ewtn.edgeboss.net/download/ewtn/audiolibrary/wo_02022007.mp3
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