Not My Will

I had a liberating and life changing realization last night. And I don't say that lightly. For whatever reason, God has bless me with many "ah-ha!" moments throughout the last couple of weeks. If there's one thing I've learned from St. Ignatius it's that we need to remember the good times, the times of consolation, so that can be ready when the bad times come. I'm definitely in a "good time" with God right now. He's speaking. I'm listening. We're getting a lot accomplished. But I've been a Christian long enough to know that this doesn't last forever. In an effort to prepare myself for the spiritual desert that's destined to come at some point, I need to make an accurate record of the consolations God is blessing me with at the present moment.

I was reading the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius last night during my hold hour just as I've been doing (almost) every night for the last month. I was actually a reading a paragraph that wasn't assigned for the week, which is a no-no in the retreat. We're not supposed to jump ahead. I rationalized this by saying that Father got the page numbers wrong, this paragraph was clearly supposed to go with the other ones of this week. "I'll just take care of this little problem on my own," I thought. Well, God didn't punish me for breaking the rule-he blessed me ABUNDANTLY!

The very last line of the paragraph reached out of the book and grabbed me. It sucked me in and told me something that I can't believe I've never realized before. The line read:

For everyone must keep in mind that in all that concerns the spiritual life, his progress will be in proportion to his surrender of self-love and of his own will and interests.

It's as simple as that. Unless I surrender my own will for a baby, I will never achieve my maximum potential of holiness. It's something I've heard, read, and thought about many times before, but this time it clicked. At this point, I was overwhelmed with a deep, sinking feeling in my chest and stomach. The feeling was very familiar, I've had it several other times in my life. It's the feeling of absolute fear. Fear that is so strong it brings about a physical manifestation and leaves you almost powerless to do anything about it. I was no stranger to this type of fear.

A story to help explain the present situation:

Three times over the course of my dating relationship with Ted, I experienced the same sinking feeling that I felt last night. The physical feeling was the same, only it lasted for days, even weeks at times. The first time was shortly after Ted bought my engagement ring (I didn't know it at the time). The second was on the night that Ted asked my parents for permission to marry me (again-I had no idea. I was on a women's retreat.) The most recent and final time was just a few days before our wedding. The feeling was coming from a voice in my head saying "he's not the one".

I can't even begin to describe the amount of fear I had over the possibility that that was true. I loved Ted with my whole being. I had been affirmed by God so many, many times that he was the man I was supposed to marry. This fear was completely contradictory to that affirmation. It was so strong it made me sick. I was miserable and I was afraid. Thoughts of cancelling the wedding wouldn't leave my head. I cried and cried over the thought of loosing Ted. Of God tearing him away from me because he's "not the one". I told no one.

One thing I've learned from this St. Ignatius retreat is that the devil works in secrets. "He seeks to remain hidden and does not want to be discovered...He is greatly displeased if his evil suggestions and depraved intentions are revealed...when the enemy of our human nature tempts a just soul with his wiles and seductions, he earnestly desires that they be received secretly and kept in secret." Had I known this at that time, I would NOT have kept this feeling a secret! But I told no one out of the fear that, if I actually said it out loud, it would happen. I hoped that if I just kept pushing the feeling deeper and deeper inside and shoved the thought to the back of my mind until it returned again, it would eventually go away. I just knew that the second I opened my mouth to tell someone what was going on inside of me, it would mean the end of my wedding, my marriage, and my life with the man I loved.

At this point, I had no idea if this feeling was from God or from the devil. It didn't make sense to me that God would bring me up to the week of my wedding to a wonderful, holy man and then tear him away from me days before we pledged our love and faithfulness to each other. At the same time, I knew that God's ways were not my own and that I was not to doubt the will of God.
I've since learned that God does not work in fear. That isn't one of the tools in his belt for speaking with just souls. Fear and anxiety are always the work of the devil when a soul is truly seeking to follow God's will (which I was). I didn't know that at the time. I was so confused and scared that I actually believed God might want me to leave Ted. The logical thing to do would have been to take this to prayer, to increase my time spent in Adoration, to pray an extra rosary, or to talk to a trusted friend or priest. I did none of these things. I was scared that if I truly opened myself up to what God desired, he would take Ted away from me. I wasn't willing to honestly say to God, "I don't know if this is you or the devil speaking, but tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it. If you want me to break up with Ted, I will do it. If you want me to marry him, I will do it. Not my will, but yours be done." Had I done that, the fear would have been lifted and I know that God would have told me to grab my bouquet and walk down that aisle. But I didn't say that. I was scared that God's will wouldn't be perfectly in line with my own. And I wanted MY will. I wanted to marry Ted MORE than I wanted to do God's will. I'm still shamed at the thought...

A few days before the wedding I got a call from a very good and holy friend of mine who was to serve at our wedding Mass. He was calling to check if he was invited to the rehearsal dinner, as his invitation was sent to the wrong address. (My mom did the invitations and accidentally sent his to a different friend. She got the two confused. Don't worry mom-I now know that your guardian angel made you do it.) After I apologized for the confusion, he said the words that made all the difference. "How are you doing?" he asked. But he REALLY asked. He didn't want to know if the flowers had been ordered or if the dj was lined up. He was asking how I was really doing just days before making the biggest commitment of my life. With that question came the freedom to tell another person what had been going on. I started spewing out all the fear and confusion that had plagued my life (and my stomach) for the past several days. As I talked, I started realizing how stupid it all sounded. I realized that there was NO WAY this was from God and my friend confirmed that I was right.

As soon I shed light on the secret temptings of the devil, it was gone. It only took a five minute phone conversation and the feeling was gone. I walked down that aisle with absolute confidence that this was God's will for my life. I made my vows without even the slightest amount of fear or confusion. That sinking feeling hasn't returned since. Until last night.

Back to the present:

When I read that line in St. Ignatius' book, I was overwhelmed with the sinking feeling because I was scared that I wouldn't be able to do it. I was scared that I would never achieve true holiness because I would never be able to give up my own will to have children. The devil wanted this fear. He wanted me to doubt that I could ever advance spiritually because he doesn't want me to advance! As soon as I recognized that this feeling was not from God, it was gone. It lasted only a moment, not weeks as it had in the past. Without St. Ignatius, I never would have recognized the devil at work during my holy hour.

And then it hit me! Giving up my own will to have children is completely different from my desire to marry Ted. With Ted, I could have married him even if it wasn't God's will. God wasn't going to stop me-people marry the wrong people all the time! But that's not the case with having a baby. I can't MAKE God give me a baby. I can't MAKE myself get pregnant, no matter how hard I try. If it's not God's will for us to get pregnant, there is NOTHING I can do about it! I can only do my part, and ask God to take care of the rest.

That may sound like common sense to some people, but to me it was revolutionary. I've been clinging to my own will, my own desire to have a child out of fear that if I let go of this desire, God will never give me what I want. That sounds so stupid as I type it, but it's how I really feel. I refused to give up my will and ask God if I was supposed to marry Ted because I was afraid his answer would be "no". That would only leave me with the choice of being disobedient and marrying him anyway or breaking off the relationship with the man that I had grown to love so much. I clung to my will to hold on to what I had. But what does clinging to my will to have children bring me? Nothing! God will grant us a child if he sees fit. No amount of holding on to my own desires or clinging to my own will can make us get pregnant. It won't bring us a baby. Clinging to my own will could have meant keeping Ted, but we don't have a baby to keep!

I realized last night that I have absolutely nothing to lose in surrounding my will to God's in this situation. NOTHING TO LOSE! When it came to marriage, I had everything to lose. Marriage was a very real possibility that I could make happen if I chose to, with or without God's blessing. But when it comes to pregnancy-I have nothing! I can't CHOOSE to get pregnant! What will I gain from surrendering my will and giving up my desires for a family and striving to only desire God's plan for my life? Only holiness. Only blessing. God will not "punish" me with barrenness because I gave up my desire for children, the way I feared he would "punish" me by taking Ted away. God already knows if and when he will bless us with children. It's going to happen (or not happen) whether I surrender my will or not. I literally have nothing to lose in this situation except the chance to grow in holiness and align my will with the will of God.

How many people get the opportunity to do this? How many people are given a cross that they are powerless to get rid of? I have the chance to seriously grow in holiness through this experience, through this pain. If I choose to cling to my own desires, I won't create for myself a baby in my womb. And I won't advance in my spirituality the way God desires. If I give up my desires and surrender my will to the will of God, I won't be "cursed" with barrenness forever but I will achieve holiness and the peace that only God can give. It's already been decided. God's plan is perfect. All I have to do is surrender myself to it and enjoy the ride.


Side note:
As I reflected on this, I couldn't help but be confirmed in my belief that children are an absolute GIFT. Every time. In every situation. Without exception. They can only come with the blessing of God. I pray that people of all nations and in every generation will come to this understanding and start treating each and every single child as the GIFT of God that they are.