Getting to Know Your Mother

I know, I know. You were just hoping I would continue talking about her. Well, all of three people asked me to write about ideas for getting to know their Blessed Mother. So I am assuming all of the internet is dying for my advice as well. So here are a few ideas if you aren't used to the Catholic idea of having a relationship with Mary. Or if you love the idea but haven't actually fostered that relationship you intellectually know is so important.

Theology for Beginners and Birthing from Within. Both required reading in this household. 

Books
Obviously, you can read about her and read about what the Church teaches in regards to her.  A few of my favorites:

Walking With Mary by Edward Sri. This is the most recent one I've read and I just loved it. Very easy to read and full of information. He breaks down tons of passages in Scripture that speak of Mary and goes into detail about what they mean. I learned a lot.

Hail, Holy Queen by Scott Hahn. I read this one several years ago and can't remember a lot of what I learned. (I'm really smart like that.) But I remember loving it. And I even got it signed by Scott Hahn himself. So that made it extra good.

The The Reed of God by Caryll Houselander.  I read this with an online book club and loved, loved, loved it. I think I highlighted more sentences than I left alone. I made notes in the margins that just said, "WOW!!!" Definitely one I should read again.

The New Rosary in Scripture: Biblical Insights for Praying the 20 Mysteries by Edward Sri. Ted read this one, not me. So I can't speak on it other than to say that he liked it. But I'm sure it would be a great place to start if you want to learn more about  how praying the rosary is to really immerse yourself in scripture! Hence the title.

Marian Thoughts by Pope Benedict. A blogger friend sent me this and it's great for a quick quote from our wonderful (former) Holy Father on his wonderful Blessed Mother.

33 Days to Morning Glory by Fr. Michael Gaitley I haven't read this one yet, but it's the tip top of my Amazon wish list. Even before a dustbuster and meatloaf pan. Everyone who has read it has loved it. It's a do-it-yourself Marian retreat that helps prepare you for a Marian consecration. I must, must, must do this.

True Devotion to Mary by St. Louis de Montfort. I saved the best for last. But again, I haven't read this one. I know! It's only thee single greatest and most loved book about Mary ever written. And I haven't read it. I hang my head in shame and admit that, yes, I should change my blog's title. I've tried to read it! Really I have! But I guess I'm just not quite smart enough because a lot of it goes over my head. I do NOT recommend this book if you are just dipping your toes into the water with Mary. You should probably read every other one on the list before coming to this. Unless you're a lot smarter than me. Then go for it.

Images
We have lots of images of Mary around the house. Seeing her on our walls and fridge and in picture frames helps me to think about her on a daily basis and (sometimes) say a little intercessory prayer for her help to get me through the daily trials of motherhood. If the idea of putting up an image of Mary in your home is too much right now, why not try an image of her and Jesus together? This one is my personal favorite.

Just print it offline and stick it on the fridge. It doesn't have to be fancy. Or send me your address and I'll make you one of the million holy cards I have with other images. Try stopping just for a few seconds in the middle of your day and center yourself on the peace and profound love displayed in that image. A vulnerable Baby. A loving Mother. Holding God Himself in her very arms. Think about holding your own babies with the same embrace and trying to love them with the love Mary had for Jesus.

Statues
We have a total of five Mary statues inside our three bedroom home, which makes us seem super Catholic I suppose. All of them have been gifts and I treasure each one. But if the idea of displaying a statue of Mary is too much, too fast, then what about just leaving your nativity scene out even after Christmas has passed? If you're comfortable displaying a statue of Mary holding or adoring the Baby Jesus in December, wouldn't it be ok to keep it out all year round? This beautiful pair sits on our dresser. I promise I'm going to glue Joseph's head back on one of these days.

And no, Catholics do not worship statues.

Media Resources
One thing that Ted and I have really been doing a lot of lately is listening to podcasts. I wish we had more time and energy to read but we just don't right now. That's why it's so nice to be able to listen to Catholic radio in the car or online. We pull up a podcast just before bed and listen to it together if we can manage to keep our eyes open.

Catholic Answers is a really good one. They have a whole section devoted to Mary.

Lighthouse Catholic Media is another awesome resource. They're the ones who put out all the CDs that can be found in the back of a lot of Catholic churches. Check the back or your local church to see if they have the kiosk. They ask for a $3 donation but if you don't have it, you are still welcome to take a CD. I haven't heard a bad one yet. You can buy a CD for just a few dollars. You can also get MP3 versions for even cheaper. Here's the link to all of their talks on Mary.

You can download an awesome Fulton Sheen app on your phone for free and listen to tons of talks from this great teacher of the Faith. There's even a section devoted to Mary to make it easy for you.

Bonnie, a big fan of Sheen, also has a her own short video with lots of simple ideas for developing a relationship with Mary.

Marian Miracles
If you really want to be wowed by Mary, spend some time learning about the miraculous events that have taken place throughout history. The Miracle of the Sun in Fatima is a favorite of many but there are so many more. And when Mary appeared to Juan Diego in 1531, she left behind a most miraculous image of herself.

Good ole Catholic Answers has several radio podcasts you can listen to on the topic of Marian apparitions if you want to know more. I'm sure there are tons of other great resources on this area, but I'm a bit fuzzy here. If anyone knows more please leave them in the comments!

Marian Prayers
Catholics get a lot of flack for their love of scripted prayers. But it's not that we can't talk to God using our own words, it's just that sometimes the words aren't there. Or sometimes someone else said it better than you can. Just as a Protestant might recite the Our Father when other words escape them, Catholics can fall back on any of the numerous prayers written throughout history. And it seems to me that some people who bash Catholics for scripted prayer, fall into the habit of saying their own version of scripted prayer anyway. "Lord we just thank you for this day. Please bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies. Please bless the hands that prepared it. In Jesus name we pray." I'm not making fun, promise. Just pointing out that it's nice to not have to come up with your own words every single time you want to pray. Marian prayers are different from prayers written directly to any member of the Trinity as we are asking her intercession to the Triune God with the words of the prayer.

My personal favorite is the Memorare.

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided.

Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.

I also like to use the words from the Gospel of Luke that Mary herself used to praise God when I'm praying. 

My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord,
my spirit rejoices in God my Savior
for he has looked with favor on his lowly servant.
From this day all generations will call me blessed:
the Almighty has done great things for me,
and holy is his Name.

He has mercy on those who fear him
in every generation.
He has shown the strength of his arm,
he has scattered the proud in their conceit.

He has cast down the mighty from their thrones,
and has lifted up the lowly.
He has filled the hungry with good things,
and the rich he has sent away empty.

He has come to the help of his servant Israel
for he remembered his promise of mercy,
the promise he made to our fathers,
to Abraham and his children forever. 

You can find a bunch more here.

The Many Names of Mary
Having been Catholic my whole life, I've never really thought it odd that there are so many names for Mary. But I can totally understand how, from a non-Catholic perspective, we sound a little crazy. "That's Our Lady of Guadalupe. Oh look at this picture of Our Lady of Sorrows. I just love this statue of Our Lady of Grace." I like this explanation. Or this one. If you haven't found a relationship with Mary to be something that comes easily, try praying the Litany of Mary and seeing if one of her titles jumps out at you. Maybe she can be your Model of Motherhood, your Virgin Most Wise, or your Queen of Peace.



So there you have it. A not-at-all exhaustive list about getting to know your Mama Mary. Please, please, please leave other ideas in the comments! I'd like to put this post on my sidebar in hopes that it could maybe help those struggling with the concept of a Marian devotion and would love to have your input. And if none of this appeals to you, you can always start by just repeating those famous words spoken by the Angel Gabriel, Hail, full of grace....

Quick Takes: Luther, Christmas Cards and Dol Jan Chi

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After writing this post, I did a little digging on what Martin Luther taught about Mary. I had always heard he upheld the Church's teachings on Mary and had a great devotion to her. Boy did he ever.

The veneration of Mary is inscribed in the very depths of the human heart. -Sermon, September 1, 1522

[She is the] highest woman and the noblest gem in Christianity after Christ . . . She is nobility, wisdom, and holiness personified. We can never honor her enough. Still honor and praise must be given to her in such a way as to injure neither Christ nor the Scriptures. -Sermon, Christmas, 1531 [emphasis mine]

One should honor Mary as she herself wished and as she expressed it in the Magnificat. She praised God for his deeds. How then can we praise her? The true honor of Mary is the honor of God, the praise of God's grace . . . Mary is nothing for the sake of herself, but for the sake of Christ . . . Mary does not wish that we come to her, but through her to God. -Explanation of the Magnificat, 1521

Christ, our Savior, was the real and natural fruit of Mary's virginal womb . . . This was without the cooperation of a man, and she remained a virgin after that.
-Luther's Works, Sermons on John, chaps. 1-4 (1539)


Those are really beautiful words written about Our Lady. If I had heard them without knowing who said them, I could have probably guessed they were from the Pope or Scott Hahn or someone. I genuinely wonder how the reverence and honor that Luther showed to Mary has become practically extinct in Protestant belief today.  Anybody care to shed some light on that for me?

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Some Christmas card picture outtakes. The first, Overly Concerned Sister.

I call this one, Stupid Cat.

And my personal favorite, Achoo.

These were all taken before I realized I had forgotten my sweater. I put it on for the rest so we could pretend like it's actually cold here. But it's been in the 70s and 80s all week. Don't hate me. Just come visit!

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Despite what the outtakes may have you believe, we did manage to snag one decent picture that is going to make the most beautiful card. I did the (very, very, very) simple design myself with Picasa and uploaded it to VistaPrint. Way cheaper than using their designs. And with the Groupon I bought, we'll be getting 100 gorgeous Christmas cards for only 28 dollars. Except that I waited until now to order them and have to pay 20 bucks for shipping. Still a good deal, but ouch.

This is only the second year we've sent out Christmas cards and last year I did my best to keep it a secret. I'm so worried about hurting someone's feelings who doesn't get a card. But the truth is, we both have huge families and are blessed with lots of far away friends from our time spent in Missouri and Mississippi. Plus friends from all over the country through this blog. Not to mention our awesome community here in Florida. So 100 cards goes pretty quickly and there are lot of people that have to get left off the list. I know it's a good problem to have but I hate it. But we can't buy 200 cards so it is what it is. I still love getting cards from people who I don't send one to and hope that no one reading is hurt if they don't get a card. Surely I'm not the only one who stresses about this right?

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This wasn't from this week, but I still have to share.

Me: Today is the Feast of St. Andrew. He was a fisherman!
Hannah: He went fishing with Mary!
Me: Well......maybe.
H: Saints are people who live in heaven. We ask them to pray for us!
Me: That's right!
H: God is in heaven. He's so so so up high. 
Me: And Does God love you so much?
H: He does love me so much!
Me: And does he love Paul too?
H: No. No He doesn't love Paul.

That's not true Paul. Everybody loves you.

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Our tree went up the first day of Advent. I try to act like I understand people who wait until Christmas to do their tree, but really I just can't imagine going without. The smell it fills the entire house with, the calmness and warmth the lights bring to the dark evenings and mornings, the sentimental feeling each ornament gives as I bark at Hannah to get her hands off before she breaks it.

Oh Christmas tree.

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Today is my one and only nephew's first birthday! My brother-in-law (Ted's sister's husband) is from South Korea and they celebrated the traditional Dol Jan Chi for Theo's first birthday. Isn't he totes adorbs? (No, you will never, ever find that expression on this blog. Ever.) 

Isn't he precious? We didn't get to make it to St. Louis for the party but I do get to see the little prince in just a few weeks. I can't wait for him and Paul to wrestle.

Happy Birthday Theo!

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Since I'm a few days late in posting these quick takes, I get to wish you all a most blessed Feast of the Immaculate Conception. Forgive me if I end with just one more quote about Mary?

It is a sweet and pious belief that the infusion of Mary's soul was effected without original sin; so that in the very infusion of her soul she was also purified from original sin and adorned with God's gifts, receiving a pure soul infused by God; thus from the first moment she began to live she was free from all sin"

Yep. Still from Luther.  From a Sermon entitled, "On the Day of the Conception of the Mother of God" in 1527. Ok, I'm done. Promise.

Head to Jen for more.

Oh, I almost forgot! Do I have any readers that live in Arkansas?? Particularly near Fayetteville? If so, email me! I have quite the treat for you.

Behold, Your Mother

Do you know her? Your mother. The Blessed Virgin Mary. The mother of your Lord. Do you know her?

I've been in a blogging rut for quite some time and I think I finally know why. It became very clear to me while at a concert last night that I have been failing in my duty and mission to tell you, each and every one of you, about your mom. Yes, I know the title of this blog is named for Mary. Yes, I've written about her many times. But I've never really told you about her. I've never invited you to know her like I know her. I've shied away from it because I was scared. Nervous. Overwhelmed. Inadequate. You name it. I've wanted to write this post for four years but couldn't muster up the courage. What if I get a theological detail wrong? What if I can't answer the questions that people might ask? I'm not a theologian. And while I do read books and listen to talks about our lady, I can't ever seem to retain that information and spit it back out when I need to.

So I keep quiet.

And I don't talk about how much I love her.

Or invite you to fall in love with her too.

But here goes.

Ted surprised me with tickets to a Matt Maher and Audrey Assad concert last night. (Are they coming to your city? Go, go go!) It was at a local Baptist church that holds a Christmas concert every year around this time. Because both of those artists are Catholic, there was a huge crowd from the Catholic Student Union, local Catholic youth groups, and regular Florida Catholics like us. Plus lots of Baptists that belong to that church. Plus lots of other Christians in town that heard about the concert from local Christian radio. It was so beautiful to have people of so many different faiths in one location praising Jesus and singing Christmas carols together.

As a friend said, Audrey "sings flawlessly, effortlessly, like I what I imagine Heaven will sound like." She sang a song I had heard before but never really listened to. Gabriel's Message. The lyrics were the words the angel Gabriel spoke to Mary when he announced the coming of our Lord. Straight from scripture. Right out of the gospel of Luke.

The angel Gabriel from Heaven came

His wings as drifted snow, his eyes as flame; 

"All hail", said he, "Thou lowly maiden Mary,"

Most highly favoured lady, Gloria!

"For known a blessed Mother thou shalt be,

All generations laud and honour thee,

Thy Son shall be Emmanuel, by seers foretold,

Most highly favoured lady," Gloria!

Then gentle Mary meekly bowed her head,

"To me be as it pleaseth God," she said,

"My soul shall laud and magnify his holy name,"

Most highly favoured lady, Gloria!

It was beautiful. And powerful. And then, she told us that she was going to sing the same song again, only in Latin. And Matt Maher started playing the piano and the music sent chills up my spine. He was playing the interlude to Ave Maria. I've been Catholic my whole life and had no idea what the words to Ave Maria actually were. Then, in that Baptist church, Audrey Assad and Matt Maher performed the most beautiful version of this ancient song I had ever heard. Not a song worshipping Mary, as so many Baptists mistakenly believe we do. But a song remembering her pivotal role in bringing us our King. Remembering her heroic "yes" to God and His will for her life. Remembering the promise that all generations would call her blessed! We praised God with the same words that Mary used to praise Him. My soul shall laud and magnify His holy name.

And I just cried. Tears rolling down my cheeks. Because it hit me that so many of my friends and family don't know her. Don't know their mother. And I was overcome with this desire to tell you about her.

Why is it so crazy to believe that we can't go to Jesus in the same way He came to us? Through His mother. Why can't we love and honor and cherish this beautiful woman who our Lord loves so much? If God is our Father and Jesus our Brother, why do we reject His mother as our mother? Do you think that loving Mary could in any way diminish your love for Jesus? As if the respect and love I give my own mother-in-law could somehow make my husband jealous? Or hurt? Never.

Please, don't let some mistaken preacher who espouses false teachings about the Catholic Church's love for Mary keep you from knowing your mother. Don't let fallen away Catholics be your example for the role of Mary in your own life. Don't let what you might think of as "praying" to Mary, keep you from asking your mom for help. Asking your mom to be with you on this journey to Jesus.

I love my son. I think he is the most beautiful and wonderful little boy who has ever graced this planet. I would do anything to keep him from harm. I would lay down my life without question to keep him safe. And I know that there will never be another human being who will love him as much as I do. I see it in the relationship Ted and his mom have. I love my husband, but she loves him more. She always will. He's her baby and her only son and she is absolutely smitten with the 27 year old man who towers above her, beats her in tennis, and makes her laugh harder than anyone else can. She loves him like nobody else can love him.

If Mary loves Jesus even half as much as I love Paul and my mother-in-law loves Ted, then she most definitely loves Him more than any one of us. More than any saint who has ever lived. More than any priest or preacher or pope. She loves Him with a mother's love. Why not let her show us how to love Jesus? Why not ask her to help us love Him better? When Ted and I were first married I called my mother-in-law to get his favorite cake recipe so I could make it for his birthday. I went to her to help me love my own husband. And I loved him in the same way she had done for so many years. I didn't venture out on my own and decide to make a different cake. I sought the help of his mother.

Jesus wants us to ask His mother for help. He wants us to love and honor and cherish her just as He did. She's not just another Biblical figure like Ester or Ruth or Martha. She is the mother of our God. If we can strive to imitate these other beautiful women in the Bible, then surely we can strive to imitate the life of Jesus' own mother.

Please, ask Mary what kind of relationship she wants to have with you. Talk to her in your heart and open yourself up to the possibility that she wants to be your mother. If that freaks you out, then ask Jesus instead. Ask Him if He wants you to honor His mother. To take seriously the commandment to honor your father and mother and include His mother in that command. How could He say no? How could He not want you to love her and accept her prayers and her help.

I don't have all the answers for every misconception that exists about Mary. I can't perfectly explain Her role in the Church despite my belief in it. But I love her. And I know how much my love for her has helped me love Jesus. And it very literally brought me to tears knowing that so many of you might not love her. And even more, than you might not know of her love for you.

I couldn't help but think that some of the Baptists at the concert last night were moved to consider Mary in a new light after learning about the Ave Maria and seeing these two very Christian artists sing it in their church. I couldn't help but have hope that you might see her in a new light too. She's more than a statue in a nativity scene. More than a character that Protestants talk about once a year at Christmas time. I don't keep it a secret that I wish the whole world was Catholic. I wish everyone knew the power and purpose of the Church Christ established 2000 years ago. I wish everyone could experience the healing salve of confession and look to the saints in times of trouble. I wish everyone would really and honestly reflect on Jesus' command to eat His body and drink His blood and then receive Him every Sunday in the Eucharist. But more than any of these, I wish everyone would know His mother.

She's your mom. Do you know her? Behold, your mother. (John 19:27)

Quick Takes: Retreat, Lake Getaway, and Nerdy Catholic Links

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Isn't he just the cutest?

I would post an adorable picture of Hannah, except that she refuses to smile for the camera right now. And we're going to attempt Christmas card pictures this weekend. And I will bribe her with suckers.

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In case you missed it, check out yesterday's post about my friend's new book. And if you want to buy it, do it through my link on the side and I get MONEY! 

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I'm heading out tonight shortly after Ted gets home for a weekend retreat. Oh how I need this. It's at a retreat center in town so to save money I'm coming back home to sleep. But other than that I'll be there all weekend. It's with a Father of Mercy. I've heard a few others speak in years past and have been incredibly challenged and moved by them. I'm expecting this weekend to be no different. It should be a great time to get my heart and mind in order before Advent begins. There's so much to do in the next month and I'm already getting overwhelmed thinking of it. I want to spend the weekend checking off nice little boxes on my to-do list and it's going to be hard for me to instead shut myself down and just spend time with Jesus.

Would you please pray for me? Pray that I will be refreshed and renewed by this retreat so that I may better serve my family when I am finished. And that I don't miss these two too much.

And if you have any prayer intentions that I can pray for you, please let me know!

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There is a lot of down time built into the retreat schedule. I keep saying things to Ted like, "Well the first talk doesn't start until 11:00. So I could just skip Mass Saturday and stay home until the first talk so I can help with the kids." At which time he reminds that this is a retreat and I'm not supposed to just show up for the bare minimum and then rush back home to make supper. I'm supposed to, ya know, retreat. Thanks goodness for my super smart husband.

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Hey check us out. Beautiful lake. Sweet husband. Notice anything missing from this picture?

That's right, kids! Last weekend some friends watched the kiddos for a few hours so we could go on our annual trip to the lake. Sure, it wasn't a secluded cabin in the woods for the entire weekend, but it was a nice little break and a chance to be together. Every time we manage to get away together we realize how much we'd been needing the break. We've got to figure out a way to make it more than a once in a blue moon thing. Sometimes I feel like we're just two people who happen to be raising the same kids. Just co managers of the household who take turns doing dishes and bath time routines. But when we get away I remember that we're actually a married couple. Who like each other and like spending time together. And who had a whole life before these kids came along.

But yes, we do end up just talking about said kids for the majority of the time. I also had a chance to get started on this book and am really loving it. Hopefully I'll get to finish it on the retreat this weekend.

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Have you signed the Pope's birthday card yet? Get to it!

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Go read this. And buy this book if you're one of the five people who haven't already. And have a great weekend.

The Assumption, Seven Years Later

Seven years ago today, on the Feast of the Assumption of Mary, I underwent my first surgery in St. Louis. I went to Mass the night before, since I wouldn't be able to attend on the feast day, and then asked the priest if he would hear my confession. When I told him about the surgery, Fr. Mike asked me if I also wanted to be anointed (known more commonly as "Last Rights"). I didn't really understand that the sacrament could be used for healing, not just on your deathbed, and kind of freaked out on him and declined. The next morning, Ted drove the three hours to St. Louis at 5:00 in the morning to take the first big step in our struggle with my health and fertility.

My doctor prayed with me before the surgery. Everything went fine, except my oxygen levels were dangerously low for hours and hours after I woke up. I ended up having to stay overnight and felt pretty awful the entire time. Ted and I (not married, or even engaged) were being extra cautious about sharing the hospital room together (as if my disgustingly sick, pale, and puking self was some kind of hot temptation) (plus my mom was in the room) and every time I had to get up to pee on my bedside toilet in the middle of the night we woke him up and made him leave the room. Why in the world we didn't just let him sleep through it, I will never know.

The date for the surgery was set by the doctor and was the only day that worked with both of our schedules. The fact that it fell on a Marian feast day meant so much to me. I knew she was with me and that it was going to be alright. And although my first surgery didn't solve my health or fertility problems, it was a step in the right direction.

Seven years later, I wrestled my two year old and five month old through Mass to celebrate the feast. My first time taking both kids by myself! The priest was ten minutes late, so by the time Mass started Hannah had already given me 15 minutes of good behavior. She was bored. She was jealous of Paul's spot in the sling. And she was hungry (her fault, not mine! eat your breakfast kid.) Despite one time-out due to whining and one super fun trip to organize the chairs in the cry room due to falling off the pew, it went pretty well.

And although most of it was lost on her, we talked about what the Assumption means and how today we celebrate Mary going to heaven to be with Jesus. We talked about other people who are in heaven, St. Therese, Mother Teresa. And we visited Mary's statue after Mass. Paul slept on my chest while Hannah and I sang "Abay, abay, abay Mawia" and blew Mary kisses before I handed her the car keys, her reward for kinda sorta decent behavior.

Then it was home to make pumpkin muffins. Which have nothing to do with the Assumption but are delicious. I'm feeling a little crafty for once in Hannah's life, so I think I'll print off a coloring page of Mary and hang it from the fan in Hannah's room. Not my idea, thanks Alisha.

Happy Feast of the Assumption! And thank you Jesus, for my two beautiful children to share it with.

Changing the Bar

I always hear moms talk about "lowering the bar". Referring to letting some (all....) of your standards go when parenthood is exceptionally challenging. I've used the phrase plenty of times when describing my parenting style after Paul was born. BP (Before Paul) I let Hannah watch about an hour of TV per week. AP, I lowered the bar to about a half hour a day. Then to two half hours a day. Then to one half hour show and one hour long show. Then the bar just fell through the floor and I stopped keeping track of how much TV she was watching and just turned it on thanking Jesus for the blessing that is Barney.

So I've done my fair share of bar lowering and I've wrestled with the guilt that accompanies it, as I'm sure every mother has. Motherhood for me is like a constant mental marathon. Am I feeding her enough protein? Should I get rid of these baby books so she's more challenged by other ones? Have I been babbling enough with Paul? It seems like he's babbling less than he used to. How can I encourage her to improve her speech without pissing her off? How can I get her to eat more vegetables? Ugh, we can't afford this probiotic anymore. Is Paul's gut going to suffer forever because of me? Am I ruining my baby because of the sucralose in these gas drops that don't even seem to help? Is Hannah going to remember this day when she's older and how much I yelled at her?

And so on and so forth. Despite my best efforts to do my own thing, it's constant comparison around here. And I don't even compare myself to a real person most of the time. I compare myself to "that mom". The one who gets new library books every single week and plays classical music every day and prepares every meal from organic, whole foods and eats off plates that aren't plastic and filled with chemicals and never lets her kids watch TV and instead provides enriching and educational activities every hour of the day and somehow manages to do waaaaay more than I do on our budget and would never dream of leaving the potty chair sitting in the shower for five straight days without taking some serious antibacterial wipes to clean out that poop..... But I've never met that mom. I know she doesn't exist. But she's still in my head. Not so gently nagging me about all the things I'm screwing up on a daily basis.

I do know plenty of real moms who put me to shame with their culinary skills or their educational activities. But they don't outdo me in every area. (Not that it's a contest, blah blah blah, I know and I get it.)  I have my strengths and they have theirs.

And yes, there are legitimate times when the bar of acceptable motherhood needs to be lowered for survival's sake. But instead of beating myself up about letting Hannah eat another chocolate chip or watch a third (fourth, fifth.....) episode of Curious George, maybe I should change the bar completely.

What if I started measuring my success as a mother by how many times a day I prayed with Hannah instead of how many vegetables I can sneak into her food. What if I worried more about getting to daily Mass instead of getting to the library. What if I took the dozen opportunities a day to sit and nurse Paul to pray for him and sing to him instead of closing my eyes and turning my brain off.

I need to hold myself to a very high standard of motherhood. Feeding my kids healthy food and providing them with educational activities is important. Very important. But if they don't know Jesus, then what will it even matter? If I nourish their minds and their bodies with the very best I can give, but I don't nourish their souls...then I will have failed at the greatest task of my life. Instead of feeling guilty at the end of the day for how much the TV was on or the crappy meals I managed to scrape together, I need to reflect on the times I remembered to say morning prayers with Hannah, or blessed Paul with holy water, or made the sign of the cross together as we passed a church. I need to stop yelling at my toddler and pray with her instead. Not because I want to be like other moms who don't yell at their kids, but because my kid is a precious and beautiful gift from God and she deserves a mother who treats her as such.

This new bar is still set pretty low. I'm not shooting for a daily family rosary or Mass five days a week. I just want to weave more prayer into the day. More patience. More peace in my home.

My patron saint for 2013 is Mary, Queen of Peace. I need to look to her as an example of the kind of mother I want to be, not my facebook friends. I still need to set the bar for motherhood and raise and lower it according to our circumstances, but I've got to find a totally different bar than the one I've been using.



Mary, Queen of Peace, pray for me!

Deep Thoughts

I've lamented the fact that I don't do much reflecting on the blog anymore. Too much energy. Too much effort. Not enough brain cells. But tonight's reflection will more than make up for it.

As I was patting and shushing Paul for the third time tonight I silently prayed a Hail Mary to keep myself from getting frustrated. I thought about how grateful I am for my little boy and how huge he looked laying in his pack-n-play. How it's such an honor to help my sweet son fall asleep just like Mary must have done. And then, the deep thought....

I wonder if Mary prayed Hail Mary's over Jesus at night.

Blame it on the mommy brain, the exhaustion, whatever you want. Those who know me know that sometimes, I'm just.that.dumb.

Me and Paul

Me and the Paul Man go way back. It's been almost a year since he implanted himself in my womb and make himself comfortable. Eight days past his due date and nine and a half pounds later, we finally met. And I would love to say we had an instant connection and it was love at first sight, but it just...... wasn't. And I've been feeling really guilty about that.

I'll be completely honest and say I was really hoping for a girl (If you ever read this Paul, don't be too offended. I really hoped Hannah was a boy.) It wasn't so much that I yearned for another daughter, but that I desperately wanted a little sister for Hannah. I have two younger sisters, one just three years younger than me. And it's awesome. Sisters are awesome. I loved sharing a room until I left for college. I love doing our makeup together in the bathroom when I'm home for a visit. I love shopping together and doing all the other things sisters do. I don't have any brothers, so I don't what kind of great things can be done with brothers. So I wanted Hannah to have a sister, close in age, to be her sweet friend.

When I got over the initial shock of, "Oh my goodness I have a SON," I had to mourn. And I felt really awful about that. It wasn't until about a week after his birth that I realized I was mourning the loss of a sister, not mourning the fact that I have a son. And the two are very different.

But even as I got used to the idea of a little boy in our family, I had a hard time bonding with Paul. The reasons are many. His birth was quite traumatic. I wasn't filled with the euphoric joy that Hannah's natural birth came with. I was just exhausted and relieved and hungry. On top of that, he screamed for the first hour of his life and was calmed only by Ted. I didn't spend his first moments of life gazing into his eyes while he suckled at my breast. I spent it begging him to stop screaming and finally handing him off before I lost my mind.

I've always heard mothers make comments like, "I just can't remember a time when he wasn't in our family!" and, "He just fits in perfectly!". And I just couldn't relate to that at all. In those first few days and weeks all I could think was, "Of course I remember a time when he wasn't in our family! It was a much, much easier time!" We had lost our groove. The rhythmic flow of our day that I had grown so accustomed to. We had this entirely new person in our lives and he was throwing everything off. And I really had a hard time adjusting.

With Hannah, I was able to rest when she was resting and play with her when she was awake. But when Paul rested I was taking care of Hannah. And when he was awake I was just trying to keep Hannah from getting insanely jealous and angry. So I didn't get to take naps with him. Or spend an hour just staring at him. Or give him a relaxing bath and baby massage and play dress up with him. For those first few weeks, I basically just kept him alive and hoped he slept long enough for me to feed Hannah lunch.

And I wasn't prepared for how hard it would be for me to see how hard it was for Hannah. One night we moved the rocker out of her room and into ours so I could nurse Paul in it at night. At this point, she was still being read to and rocked in it every night before bed. What were we thinking? She set off looking for her rocker and when she found it my room she was ecstatic. But when she realized it was staying in there and she wouldn't be rocked in it, she was hysterical. After I put her to bed in tears, I came out of her room, buried my head in Ted's chest, and just sobbed.

It wasn't the way I had pictured it. I felt like I didn't love my son. I remember telling Ted, "I love him because he's my son, but I don't love him. I don't know him!" And I felt so, so guilty. I said, "He deserves a mother who loves him! He's so cute. Why don't I feel more connected to him?"

Well meaning friends said things like, "Isn't having a little boy the best? Don't you just love having a son?" and I lied through my teeth and said it was wonderful. But the whole time I was thinking, "I just want to send him back and go back to the way things used to be."

I cringe thinking about that now. Because at some point, I have no idea when, I fell in love with him. So deeply and completely in love with him. And it grew a little more each day and I know it will continue to do so until the day I die. He is perfect. He is beautiful. He is my son and I wouldn't trade him for any girl or any daily routine in the world.

I love the sound of his sweet voice and the way he contorts his little face when he's trying to talk to me. I love his smell. I love his fat rolls. I love his easy-going disposition. I love that he lets me know what he needs gently and patiently and looks so happy when he's satisfied. I love the way he looks when he sleeps and the dazed expression he gets when I wake him up. I love his "game face" when he's feeling feisty.

The other night, he started fussing from his cradle when I had exactly 30 seconds of my show left. Rather than letting him fuss until it was over (which I sometimes do) or complaining about having to go nurse him (which I also do...) I sprang up from my chair and practically skipped into my room to get him. The thought of holding his sweet little body in my arms and pressing him to my breast literally made me giddy. I felt like I was in junior high and I was running to the telephone to answer a call from my latest crush.

I am so in love with my son.

Certainly I'm not the only mother who has felt this way. (And if I am, just don't tell me.) Me and Paul may not have hit it off right away, but now I know him like only his mother can. And love him like only his mother can. And now I have an entirely new way to relate to our Blessed Mother. I'm a mother to a son too.

And it really is wonderful.

Quick Takes

 

-1-

My big girl turned two years old yesterday. It was an absolutely amazing day and I teared up at least a dozen times. I have a post in draft capturing the sweet details that I don't want to forget. Let's just say that her present was epic and we are the best parents ever. The Chik-fil-a was delicious. And hearing her dance around the house saying, "Happy Hannah Birthday!" will never get old.

Two years old and almost a big sister.

-2-

Baby is head down but sunny side up right now. I know that's not the end of the world, but I'd like to avoid the extra pain and hassle that comes with a sunny little babe. Especially after reading this birth story this morning. The tricks I've been trying haven't worked yet, so I decided to see a chiropractor yesterday in hopes that little guy/gal will rotate.

Oh my.

I've never been to the chiropractor and had no idea what to expect. I thought it would be similar to a relaxing massage. So instead when I was man-handled for about 50 seconds and told I was finished, I was a bit shocked. But wow did it feel good! By the time I got home, I didn't even feel pregnant. Not sure if it's worked yet-we are still trying everything we know at home. I wish I could go back twice a week like the doctor suggested-but goodness that's a lot of money.

I always heard that you'll get addicted to the chiro once you start. Now I understand why! I would give up chocolate, coffee, facebook-anything! If it meant I could regularly feel this good.

-3-

A dear friend and one of my favorite bloggers got some super exciting news yesterday! After being told at an early ultrasound that she was definitely pregnant with only one baby-the gender reveal ultrasound definitely showed TWO! Her husband's flight was delayed and he missed the appointment. I can't imagine her shock when those two heads flashed up on the screen. And then having to wait several hours to tell him??? What a crazy day for her. I'm so excited for her-she's such a great mom.

-4-

And even though I'm head over heels happy for her, it doesn't take away the sting of remembering that that should be us. I miss the baby that we won't meet until heaven. I'm sad that his or her little life won't be celebrated and remembered the way that other twins are celebrated. Maybe it's hitting me harder as we approach our due date. I should be pushing two babies out. We should be the parents of three children. I'm beyond grateful for the little life within me-but I'm sad I won't get to meet his/her sibling in a few weeks as well.

-5-

Um, Lent starts in a few days. What the heck? It is really sneaking up on me. I asked Ted what he thought we should "do" for Lent and he said "have a baby." A fine idea. But I better come up with something else too. I'm thinking about trying to do a daily rosary. I have never been able to stick to that. Am I absolutely insane for thinking I could do it while welcoming a newborn? Lots of hours awake at night nursing right?

-6-

I've been listening to this song a lot the last few days. Trying to remain calm and focused on Our Lady and Jesus in the days/weeks leading up to another life changing birth of a child. So beautiful. My patron saint for 2013 is Mary, Queen of Peace (yet another post in draft) and this song is about as peaceful as it gets.

-7-

I'm making beans and rice with a ham hock for dinner tonight. I make beans and rice all the time but I've never used a ham hock. It's from the pig we got last Spring and I'm just now getting around to using it. I consulted a few recipes online-but for the most part-I'm just making it up as I go along. I do this all the time and 95% of the time-it turns out great. Then I pat myself on the back and tell myself what a good chef I am. And when I fail miserably I cuss the recipes. Yes-the ones that I didn't listen to.

It's simmering on the stove now. We shall see!

-Bonus-

I can't help myself.

Quick Takes

-1-

Please, please, please join me in prayer for my friends, Those Landrys. A very loooong story short-they have been trying to sell their house (that they are not living in) for three and a half years. They've had three closing dates come and go and now a fourth is in jeopardy. The house is set to be foreclosed August 8th and they are asking everyone to pray a novena to St. Jude that this most recent offer will go through. They've really been through hell and back, lost thousands upon thousands of dollars, tried everything you could possibly think of, and had their faith vigorously tested through all of this. I know you probably don't know them. And selling a house doesn't seem like a huge deal. But please pray with me. Please.

If the novena is too much, just say this in your head right now: St. Jude, please help the Landrys sell their house.


And then say it every time you pass a house with a For Sale sign in the yard!

-2-

Remember when I asked you to pray for this family to receive another child through adoption?? Prayer answered!! I love it!

-3-

Hannah has learned how to smile for the camera. Correction-Hannah is obsessed with smiling for the camera. Of course this new skill would coincide with us not having our camera for weeks because it's in the moldy house, so crappy cell phone pictures will have to serve as proof.

Any my personal favorite. Her first kid's meal. Judging by her excitement, the kid has clearly been deprived.

-4-

Pregnancy update, because ya know-I'm pregnant. Progesterone took a nose dive, got on Prometrium, went back up to a good range! I'm not that sick, but have a hard time finding something to eat that doesn't repulse me. When we pray as a family in the evenings Hannah rubs my belly when we pray for "the baby".

-5-

We have to leave our current apartment tomorrow and move to yet another friend's house. This will be the sixth place we've stayed this month. I'm so grateful for the generosity of friends, but man is this tough. Ted's confessor told him last weekend that this was an opportunity to become more like the Holy Family. They didn't even have a home to for the birth of their baby! And then they had to go to Egypt suddenly and were again without a steady place to live. The thought had never occurred to me. Well my blog says I'm trying to be more like Mary, I guess this is about as good an opportunity as ever.

-6-

And speaking of becoming more like Mary, do you think Mary looked Jesus in the eye when he was being an exceptionally difficult toddler and said, "I'm going to lose my mind!" or "You are driving me insane!" Because if she did, I'm definitely becoming just like her. But if not, I've got a looooong way to go.

-7-

I know part (if not all...) of the reason I've been losing my temper with Hannah so much lately is that I have completely neglected my prayer life. Like completely-really truly. Completely. I was thinking about buying a Magnificat subscription to help me get back into the daily readings and the Divine Office when I remembered that I have a Kindle Fire (my mom gave it to me as an early birthday gift!). I've mostly just been using it for apps with Hannah and checking email. But I found a free app that has the daily readings, the Divine Office, and every prayer you can imagine. This non-smart-phone-owning girl was very excited! So yesterday I prayed Morning Prayer and wouldn't you know......"Just as a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you."

Ouch. I'm glad I didn't need any comforting from God Wednesday. All He would have done is looked me the eye and told me He was losing His mind. And yes, I was much better at patiently comforting my cranky, teething, ornery little tot with the verse in my mind all day.

God is good.