Death at Walmart

Our morning trip to Walmart was eye opening. The kind of eye opening that you wish you could un-see. Because my eyes were opened to a world that I wish didn't exist.

After grabbing a few midweek groceries (and spending a lot of time watching Hannah show me how to put the limes in the bag sloooooowly) (the limes are for margaritas, definitely worth a mid week grocery trip) we headed to the other side of the store to get a few random items. Tissue paper, aluminum foil, eye drops. And that's when I saw it. Right next to the eye drops on the second highest shelf amongst the pregnancy tests and ovulation predictor kits.

Plan B. On the shelf. Just waiting to be picked up by some poor, desperate woman trying to escape her pain.

I mean, I know it's available over the counter now. I've known this for a while. But reading a news article (how many years ago did I even read that?) is easy to forget. It's easy to be outraged at what I see on the screen, but then eventually I have to go about my day and I sort of just forget about it. But this was the real thing, right in front of my face. At eye level and dressed up in a pretty pink and purple box.

After the eye drops, we went back to check out the prices on bikes. Hannah's been watching the bigger kids ride bikes on our street every night with a look in her eyes that says, "they must be having more fun than I could ever imagine having!" Of course she found one she loved and of course I let her try it out and of course she threw a fit when I tried to get her back in the cart. So ya know what? I just bought the bike. Ted's been asking me to keep my eyes out for a cheap one at a consignment store or Craigslist. But sometimes you just can't wait for the deal. Sometimes you just gotta bite the bullet and fork over 40 bucks for a bike. (40 bucks, am I the only one who thinks that's a helluva lot of money??)

The bike went into the cart. The girl happily skipped beside me for the rest of the trip. And on the way home she said repeatedly, "We buy a bite! I yite (like) my bite!"

Paul, well he got nothing. But look how happy he was about it!

To think that "emergency contraceptive" (read: death pill for an itty bitty baby) is sitting on the shelf at the Walmart just down the street makes me sick. To think that I, a Walmart shopper armed with a little bit of cash, could pick up that pretty pink and purple box and kill my newly conceived child is mind boggling. Only myself and some clueless Walmart checker would know. It would be so easy. So cheap. So "painless".

To think I could have snuffed out these little lives with the swipe of my card and washed them down with a glass of water. A precious little baby, who won't ever get to ride her first bike. Or turn heads with his adorable smile. A mother who will never know her baby. And who probably needs a lot more help than that little box could ever offer her. A father who doesn't even know he could be a dad.

When death can be purchased over the counter off a Walmart shelf for $49.95, well that's just the end of moral civilization as we know it. And if it's not, then I'm absolutely terrified of what's still to come.

What I Wore Sunday and for our Due Date Night (3)

Happy Due Date to us! Only a few hours left in the day, so I'm going to safely assume that this baby will not be coming on the 24th. Today's my dad's birthday too-bummer.  But even though there isn't a gooey baby in my arms, today was still a great day. First, Mass. Linking up here again-I guess I'm officially hooked.

Dress: Gap Maternity-free from a friend during one of our awesome clothing exchanges. Best idea EVER! It's the same dress I wore to Mass last Sunday. And to my baby shower the day before that....I better not have to wear it next Sunday.

Sweater-Maurices, years ago.

Tights: Walmart

Shoes: consignment

Undershirt: Half-tees. Best invention ever.

Do gray and brown even match? I wasn't sure. But I don't like the way this dress looks with black either. If I had white tights and shoes-I would have gone with that.

Hannah's dress: Calvin Kline-consignment. Obviously.

Tights: Walmart

Sweater: Children's Place

Shoes: Babies R Us. Too small. Dangit-the girl needs all new shoes.

And now, for a 40 week bump picture:

Significantly bigger than Hannah's 40 week picture. But my face isn't puffy yet like it was then. I DID have to take my wedding ring off yesterday. That happened the day before labor with Hannah. So here's hoping something's gonna happen soon!

The rest of the day was spent napping and relaxing on the back porch. This evening, Ted and I were able to go out for our traditional Due Date Night. It's a tradition if you do it twice right? 

Dress: Same! I wore it with a cute white sweater that I forgot to put on for the picture. I had some cute shoes to go with it, but ended up wearing my comfy athletic flip flops. I doubt anyone cared....

Our wonderful friends watched Hannah for us so we could wallow in the fact that we're still pregnant enjoy each other's company before the baby takes over our lives. First, we joined the 40 Days for Life campaign and prayed outside the local abortion clinic. Unfortunately, it was lightning and hailing during our hour-so we had to pray from the car. We parked in the clinic's parking lot (probably not supposed to do that...) and it really hit me hard to think how many women sat in their cars in that very spot. Wondering if they should go in. Scared. Confused. Pressured. The irony of me sitting there with my 40 week belly was not lost. Hopefully we can go back again after the baby's born. Preferably when it's not hailing.

We finished the date with delicious steaks, great conversation, and 5 glasses of blackberry sweet tea (all for me).

Prayers appreciated for the week that lies ahead of us! A doctor's appointment tomorrow morning, a visit with an acupuncturist in the afternoon. But my fingers are still crossed that something will happen tonight and we'll get to skip both of those...

My Heavy Heart

Oh so much to say. What really needs to be said? What should I just keep to myself? Who is even reading this blog anyway? Are all those family and friends who disagree with me gone-did they leave long ago?

I don't want to write about the horrible election results. But I don't want to not write about it and go on blogging as if nothing has happened. Something has happened. Even if that something is just a continuation of the crappiness we already had.

It's an understatement to say that my heart is heavy. My spirit crushed.  Not just because Obama was re-elected, but because people actually wanted it to happen. I'm sad that people actually voted for him. Put their stamp of approval on a man who is bringing such serious evil to our country. Even one vote for him is too many. This is the direction our nation is choosing-the Democratic platform of abortion, euthanasia, gay "marriage", perpetual welfare. How can my country desire these things? Where have all the Christians gone?

A friend on facebook (a liberal friend who I really get along with) posted on my facebook wall: Lets work together for the good. Take a positive approach and lets make progress. Don't give up.

And I know she meant well, but all I could think was, "Work together for the good??? How is that possible when we have completely different ideas of good?"

No, we cannot work together with people whose goals are completely different from ours. We cannot work together with those who desire a completely different nation. I see talk of "compromise" and "why can't we all just be purple instead of red and blue" and it's just such total crap. Compromise? What's the compromise between wanting abortion to safe, legal, celebrated, and paid for with my money and wanting abortion to be non-existent? How do we work together for the good when I value religious freedom and you value free birth control? There is no working together with those who do not truly desire good, but only what they perceive as good-which is clearly and absolutely evil.

So work together for energy independence, immigration reform, rebuilding our economy-yes of course.  But if you think those things are what this election was about you are sorely mistaken.

But I will listen to part of my friend's advice. I will not give up. Ever.

I fear for our country. I fear that Hannah will never grow up in the Christian nation that I knew as a child. I fear we will never go back to that country and our rights and freedoms will continue to be stripped away in the name of "tolerance" and "choice".

I fear that I'm inadequate to raise children who are capable of withstanding the assaults that are ahead. Can I truly raise martyrs? Am I even strong enough to be a martyr myself? Maybe not to death, but to jail? Or to joblessness? What will I be asked to sacrifice for my faith? And I'm sure some will read this and think I'm being melodramatic and that it can't possibly come to that. I hope you're right. But I believe you're wrong. It's already happening.

Yesterday was a very hard day. I fought back tears in the morning and let them go in the afternoon. I hugged Hannah and told her I loved her ten times more than usual. I was blessed to participate in a woman's night with our Families Following Christ group. We didn't have to skirt around the issue-we dived right in. We knew that not a single one of us voted for Obama and his agenda of lies. It wasn't  what was best for our families or for following Christ. And the wisdom of these beautiful woman helped me greatly.

As Catholics, we welcome the suffering. The persecution. The attacks that lie ahead. Saints will be made. Families will be divided. But God's will will be done.

My goal hasn't changed just because half of our nation chose death Tuesday. Half of "Catholics" chose death Tuesday. And half of my gender "voted with their lady parts" instead of their hearts and heads. My goal is still heaven. And Obama is probably doing me a real favor by making my path to heaven a little easier. Because everyone's path must involve suffering. And we're going to get our fair share.

Some have said that we can "turn it around" at the midterm elections. That we just need to "get through these next four years" and it will all be ok. But electing a Republican president in four years is not the answer. My hope does not, nor has it ever, lied in the Republican party. They are far, far greater than the Democrats that is for sure. But they will only slow down the train wreck that our country is headed for. My hope must lie in Jesus. I must conform my heart to His. And I have Obama to thank for renewing my conviction to my Church,  my God, and my love for this country. But also for my heavy, hurting heart.

Quick Takes (33)

-1-

My parents are on their way to Florida as I type! Grandma and Grandpa couldn't stay away from their only grandbaby for too long and are making the 13 hour drive to spend the weekend us. Lots of possibilities for the weekend: the beach, a boat ride to see manatees, window shopping, skeet shooting. It will most definitely be too short.

-2-

Leila posted an interesting though in her Quick Takes today. People that are for contraception and support Planned Parenthood always seem to be saying this is about "equal rights for women". But if women need to take a pill or have a surgery to render their bodies "equal" to a man's-it's like we're saying that we are a lesser species. I would argue that we are the crown of God's creation. We have the privilege (note-I did not say right) to carry, bear, and nourish another human being. We are the bearers and nurturers of life! Anyone who feels that we need contraception and abortion in order to be equal to men is very, very mistaken. And confused.

-3-

Am I the only mom who allows their toddler to chew on sticks because at least it means they're not swallowing acorns??

-4-

Speaking of toddlers, I'm pretty sure Hannah found out that she is one now. And it's the most fun I've ever had. She's doing all sorts of "toddler" things-pointing to her mouth and hair, making the sign for monkey, laughing at everything, doing the adorable little toddler-squat while she plays with her toys, clapping and giving high fives, throwing her food on the floor, pretending to sleep when we see someone sleeping in a book, dancing when she hears music, putting together puzzles, and I could go on. She is so. much. fun.

-5-

But you know what's not. so. much. fun? Discipline. How is that I am already having to discipline my sweet baby girl? Whew-it came up so fast. But dangit she knows she's not supposed to play in the trash can! She also knows that she can sometimes get us to crack by smiling as big as she can, scrunching up her nose, and laughing. I'm pretty tough when it comes to discipline, but man I'm gonna have to get tougher!

-6-

We've been in Florida just over a month and have already met so many wonderful people. We've been invited into homes for dinner and fellowship and it's made our adjustment so much easier. Tonight, a young, Catholic couple with a little boy about Hannah's age is having us over for dinner, along with a few other couples our age. We haven't even met them yet-they just heard about us and gave us a call. People are crazy nice. And I'm crazy grateful.

-7-

I've been doing some great things with our family's nutrition since I've stopped working. I've got a post (or several) swirling in my head about it, but for now I'll just tell you that I'm super proud of what's sitting in my fridge right now. Want a hint? It's white, semi-solid, smells amazing, and was "rendered" by me :)

Have a great weekend!

Breaking News

I cannot even believe the news I just read. Did you hear? The Obama administration just issued a press release stating that, beginning in 2013, all Hindu organizations will be required to purchase shares of beef for all of their employees as part of an employee benefit package.

That's outrageous! Aren't Hindus opposed to eating beef? I'm pretty sure they believe the cow to be a sacred animal and do not eat it for this reason. I could be wrong. I haven't ever really researched Hindu beliefs, but I'm pretty sure I heard this somewhere. Maybe they even think that you could go to hell (or the Hindu equivalent perhaps) if you eat beef? I knew a Hindu that ate beef. He said he didn't care that he wasn't supposed to. But I'm pretty sure that makes him a non-practicing Hindu, so should he even call himself a Hindu?

Personally, I think it's kind of dumb. I mean, Ted and I just ordered a half of a steer from a farmer in Georgia. Beef is tasty. And good for you! It has lots of protein and Omega 3s and other good stuff like that. And you can do so much with it-steaks, burgers, meatballs. Beef is really quite amazing. I couldn't imagine my life without beef.

But even though I LOVE beef and think it's the greatest meat ever, I can certainly understand why someone with a different faith could think differently. I don't really understand why Hindus don't eat beef, but I don't really need to in order to respect their faith. If I invited a Hindu over for dinner, I most certainly wouldn't grill burgers.

And now Obama is trying to force Hindus to buy something for their employees that's against their religion? Does anyone else see how scary that is? Isn't there something called the First Amendment that is supposed to keep this kind of thing from happening? 

Ted works for the state of Florida and occasionally they have meals and parties to celebrate certain occasions. The other day they had chili....with hamburger. But I'm pretty sure no one was Hindu so it was ok. But what if Ted worked for a Hindu organization? Would he demand chili at his "holiday" party? Absolutely not. He chose to work for Hindus after all. And working for Hindus means not getting any beef at work. End of story. If he didn't like-well he could just go work someplace else.

I'm not crazy, am I?  I mean, I don't understand why Hindus don't eat beef. I like beef. But I respect their freedom from government intrusion and their right to refuse to buy beef for their employees.

I bet Hindus are pissed.

Oh wait, I'm the one who is pissed.

Because it's not Hindus that Obama is attacking, it's Catholics.

Catholics do not believe that birth control is a moral option. Our Church very clearly teaches that birth control is a mortal sin. If a Catholic commits this sin, under the circumstances for a sin to be considered mortal, the Church teaches that they will go to hell. Intense? Yep. Scary? You betcha.

But Obama is now saying that Catholic organizations must provide contraception for their employees.

So how on earth can the government force a religious organization to pay for something that they believe will send its employees to hell?

I'm outraged.

And you should be too.

Even if you think contraception is the best thing since sliced bread.

Even if you cannot begin to understand the reasons for the Church's teachings.

Can't you show me and my faith a little respect? Can't you give us the freedom to live and worship as we wish? Can't you see that employees of Catholic organizations have the option to work someplace else if they want birth control paid for? No one is forcing them to stay.

It doesn't matter if you don't understand. It doesn't matter if you don't agree. It doesn't matter if you think we're crazy/total whackos/going to hell/hypocritical zealots. What matters is that the government is infringing on our religious liberty in a big, big way.

What makes you think your beliefs aren't next?

"The Catholic Church defends religious liberty, including freedom of conscience, for everyone. The Amish do not carry health insurance. The government respects their principles. Christian Scientists want to heal by prayer alone, and the new health-care reform law respects that. Quakers and others object to killing even in wartime, and the government respects that principle for conscientious objectors. By its decision, the Obama administration has failed to show the same respect for the consciences of Catholics and others who object to treating pregnancy as a disease." (Archbishop Dolan)

Green for the Green-"Family Planning" Edition

I've been meaning to write a post about Natural Family Planning for a loooong time now. This blog can be such a source of motivation and truth if I let it. I admit, I've been too nervous to really dive into the topic.  But this week is NFP Awareness week, so I guess I should finally get to it.

Although NFP is definitely "green"-that's not at all the reason we use it. It's just an added bonus.  Anyone whose remotely aware of current birth control research knows that the pill is linked to breast cancer and so much more. Yuck. With so many risk factors for cancer being unavoidable, it boggles my mind that anyone would ingest a daily pill that puts them so at risk.

Birth control is also poisoning our environment. My hubby, the fish scientist, has read several studies indicating the harmful effects that oral contraception is having on our nation's water supply and its aquatic life. But it's not only the fish that are being affected, this study links birth control to declining fertility in men! Wonderful-so we take a pill to keep us from having children and by the time we're done with it we won't be able to have children!

It doesn't take someone with a degree in medicine or biology to know that the pill is harmful. Just spend five minutes googling-seriously-five minutes. It'll blow your mind.

The Catholic Church's teaching on NFP is so misunderstood. We've all heard the phrase "Keep God out of my bedroom!". But those people forget Who invented sex. Why would we keep the CREATOR of sex completely removed from our bedrooms? Surely God has a plan for sex and that plan is found in the beauty of the Theology of the Body.

If you're totally unaware of what NFP is, here's a great intro written by a fellow blogger.  If you want to learn even more, search for a Creighton Practitioner or a Teaching Couple.

So many have said it better than I can ever say. And I'm overwhelmed by the importance of this post, knowing it might be the first (and only) mention of NFP some people might ever come by. What if I don't say it correctly? What if I come across the wrong way? What if, what if, what if...

What if I never say it? That's the question that should really bother me.

Ted and I use NFP because we trust that God's plans for our family are better than our own.

We use it because we completely respect each other's bodies and would never, ever ask each other to hide, remove, or hinder any part of our God-given fertility.

We use it because the knowledge of a woman's cycle is POWERFUL! Don't believe me? We have NFP to thank for Hannah.

We use it because it demands love, communication, and unity-all things we strive to foster in our marriage.

We use NFP because we value life and would never risk ending the life of a tiny human through the use of contraceptives.

We use it because we obey the teachings of the Church that we have chosen to be a part of. Choosing Catholicism is choosing NFP.*

And yes, we use it because it's green. Freedom from cancer risks, environmental effects, and having to shell out money for that nasty crap are all just one big green bonus to the awesomeness of NFP.

Can it be hard at time? Absolutely. Is it worth it? Without a doubt.

*I should add that Catholic do not HAVE to practice NFP. We are obviously free to throw the charts out the window and just "see what happens". If a couple wishes to avoid a pregnancy for a just reason NFP is the only acceptable way of doing this.

I Don't Get It

I have never understood how a woman could take the life of the child inside her womb.

I don't get how anyone could say that it's "not a baby".

It boggles my mind that a "doctor" who has vowed to "do no harm" could cause the worst possible harm to innocent life every single day.

I've never understood abortion.

But now, I really don't get it.

Every activity we undertake in defense of the sanctity

of life is prophetic, inasmuch as it points to the day

when "death will be no more."

Every victory we have when an act of abortion is

prevented is prophetic of that day when death itself

will be definitively conquered.

Every triumph of grace in this world, whereby someone

is brought to see the value of life and given the

strength to welcome it, is a breaking into our history

of that definitive future in which the old order of

things will have passed, and all things will be made

new.

As pro-life warriors, we must keep our eyes fixed on

heaven, and our hearts secure in the hope that the day

is coming when all evil will be conquered.

It is the future that shapes the present; it is

victory that informs the battle; it is the destination

that determines the journey.

Daily, we are called to reflect on heaven.

When we weep, we are to think of the day when every

tear will be wiped away.

When we face the destructive power of death, we are to

think of the day when death is swallowed up in

victory.

When we labor against abortion, we are to think of the

day when we will have the rest and peace of the final

triumph of life.

Heaven is as real as earth, and its joys will be as

real as our present sorrows.

-Fr. Frank Pavone

Thoughts for Thursday (3)

What am I cooking? Nothing tonight! Just leftovers. I made white chicken chili and a catfish soup earlier in the week and we're still eating them.

What are my weekend plans? Have a baby.

What? I don't get to plan that??

Well then the answer is: Nothing!! Glorious nothing.

What are my prayer intentions for the day? I don't think I've prayed once today. Except before my meals. And we always pray for the souls in purgatory before our meals, so I guess that's the only intention I've prayed for so far. Wow-I need to pray more.....

What have I done for my marriage this week? We've been going for walks every evening (granted, it's more to bring on labor than to strengthen our marriage...) and the conversations we've been having as we walk have brought us even closer together.

What am I reading? I just finished Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.  It was amazing! I haven't allowed myself to enjoy a good novel in a long time. I was way overdue to experiencing the joy of getting lost in a good love story.

What’s challenging me lately? Finding a balance between putting in a hard day's work and working too hard.

Something that made me think? Jen's post on the Walk for Life and the counter protestors. I'm just filled with pity for these people. Anger and pity.

Those Comments

I hate those comments. The ones that are said in passing. As an after thought. As if they're part of a natural, normal conversation.



But the truth behind those comments is disheartening-to say the least.



At our 37 week appointment last Wednesday we met with a different doctor than our usual OB. Our doctor was at the hospital delivering a baby-so we just saw the next available doc. Nice enough. Gave us time to ask questions. Told us to come to the hospital when contractions were eight minutes apart (ha! like that's gonna happen!).



Nothing particularly noteworthy about the visit. Except those dang comments.


The first:
"So, Ted, have you pretty much been a 'yes man' throughout the pregnancy?"


What?? I guess understand his reasons for uttering such a stupid comment. He's bonding with the guy over the rigorous job of having a pregnant wife. He's impressing the woman by making it clear that her husband needs to do her bidding and be at her beck and call. He's making light, casual conversation with two people he's never met before.


But it's more than that. That comment speaks volumes about his view of marriage. The pregnant woman is bossy, demanding, and controlling. It's the husband's job to satisfy her every desire or else face the wrath of her raging hormones. The husband is not the head of the household, but rather a 'yes man' to the whims of his wife.


Sad. Maybe he's in a marriage with a wife that actually treats him that way. Maybe he's seen so many couples in his office that actually act like that that he thinks it's normal. Either way-it's unfortunate.


The second:
At the end of the appointment he holds up my chart and says, "Your chart looks great. You're in great shape. It must be nice to have such a normal, healthy pregnancy."


"Oh yes," I replied. "We're very grateful. It took a lot for us to get pregnant and part of me was worried that since my body didn't know how to get pregnant that it wouldn't know how to be pregnant. We're so fortunate things have been going so well."


And then.... "Now you'll just be hoping your body can figure out how NOT to get pregnant!"


Really?? You think someone that tried as hard as we did to conceive is WORRIED about it happening a second time??  Again, I get the reasoning behind this comment. How many pregnant women he must see in a day that are already asking about birth control before their baby is even born! It's casual, natural conversation for an OB and his patient.


But if you look past the comment-it reveals his thoughts on the gift of a child. Gift-of course children are a gift..... when they're perfectly planned and timed accordingly and come when we want them to. Other than that-we'll just hope your body figures out how not to get pregnant. You wouldn't want all that time and money spent on surgery, testing, and drugs to results in TWO babies!


There are three ways I can think of to handle this type of situation. The first is to nod in agreement and smile politely. I'm definitely guilty of this. Sometimes the words just don't come. Sometimes I don't even realize what I'm nodding along to until it's too late. It leaves the commenter with the impression that I agree with him and his stupid comment. The second is to be defensive and overly corrective-making the commenter keenly aware of his error and his offensive nature. This approach contains a lot of truth, with very little love.


And we are most definitely called to both. Speak the truth-but always, always do so with love. That's the third approach. And it's hard.


Someone reading this may think I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe people think that it is, after all, "just a comment" and that I'm reading too much into it. But my heart and my gut tell me that it's not. It's an attack on marriage. It's an attack on the gift of life. And these kinds of comments are attacking the Christian family on a daily basis.


Everything we do and say, whether directly or indirectly, builds the family up or tears the family down. I want to build.


A month or so ago I used the Saint Generator at Conversation Diary to pick me a Saint for 2011. I got St. John of Kanty. I had never heard of him and, although his story is remarkable, it didn't leave me with a strong connection or an understanding as to why he would have been "chosen" for me. Until the end of the article when I read this quote:


"Fight all error, but do it with good humor, patience, kindness, and love. Harshness will damage your own soul and spoil the best cause."


Oh he's talking straight to me! How many times I try to correct people, to tell them the Truth and spread the message of Christ. And so many times I do so without one ounce of good humor, patience, kindness, or love. So that's my task for this year. Speak the truth and do so with love. It's gonna take a lot of prayer to the Holy Spirit, but so far He's come through alright.


Our response to those comments?
Doctor: So, Ted, have you pretty much been a 'yes man' throughout the pregnancy?
Ted: She's been great. I'm really lucky to have her.
Me: It's been a team effort.


Doctor: Now you'll just be hoping your body can figure out how NOT to get pregnant!
Me: Oh no, we hope so much to be able to have more children. We're so grateful for this baby.


Both were said with a smile on my face and sincere love in my heart. Thanks Holy Spirit.

BIRTH OR NOT??? ***Updated***

Thanks to Cathy for letting us know that this is, in fact, some kind of stunt. (see comments below) My first reaction was "Praise God! A little one's life is not in danger!" immediately followed  by "that's still sick!". If this was done by anyone in the pro-life community, for whatever reason, I'm very dissapointed in them. This is not the way to witness to life and was done in very, very poor taste.

**************************************************************************


This is the sickest, saddest thing I've seen in my entire life. Absolutely appalling on a million levels.  A couple is actually making the decision to either kill their unborn baby or give birth through an Internet vote!

Although "voting" in this poll should never have been an option in the first place-PLEASE go to this website and "vote" for this precious 17 week old child's life to be spared (but unfortunately raised by some crazy parents).

Read the whole story here.

Then go vote here.

The web address makes me cringe. birthornot.com. Birth or Not???

It's like:

I could go get a manicure....or not.
I'd like to rent a movie tonight....or not.
I'm really craving Mexican....or not.
I could give birth to the precious child inside of me that was conceived as the result of my own actions, has a heartbeat, sucks his thumb, kicks me, and is almost at the halfway point to being born.....or not.

Sacred heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.

My Response

Ok, this is going to be a long one. And I have about a million thoughts. Stay with me.

During the last two weeks I've found myself coming up closer against against the enemy of life. I've found it difficult to keep anger and despair away from my heart as I learn of how much effect the devil is having on the world at this moment. A dear blogger friend wrote a post last week about the lack of assistance she received from Christian families when her daughter was in the NICU. As if I wasn't upset enough just from reading the post-one commenter actually had the nerve to tell her it was her own fault! The rationale was that since this Catholic, stay-at-home mom spends so much time focused on raising her family and not being involved with events outside the home-she has isolated herself and pretty much got what she deserved.

I fumed.

I wrote a hundred counter responses in my head. I wanted to stick up for my friend...but I was running late for work. I emailed her and told her I was going to leave a comment later and that I was going to think and pray about what I should say so it wouldn't be too mean. I told her that I hoped she wasn't upset by the ignorant comment.

But before I could get a response typed out on the post-she emailed me back. "Oh come on Kaitlin. You've got to laugh at the devil when you see him. Let it go." Just like that-she didn't let it get to her. She recognized that the hurtful comment was not of God. She knew her lifestyle was the one that God was calling her to lead. And she let it go. I have so much to learn...

I've also been in awe by the explosion that's gone on at the Bubble in the past week. Leila is preaching the TRUTH and people are angry. [If you're not familiar-it's a blog that teaches about the Catholic faith. Non-Catholics come and leave/answer a lot of questions. Sometimes it gets heated.] I've found myself wanting to chime in, but I'm scared. I'm not that smart. I might not be able to back up all my points. What if someone attacks me? What if I get made fun of? What if someone comes over to MY blog and starts to question me the way they question Leila? So I kept quiet. I read along with every single post and silently cheered my friends on. Silently.

So even though I've found myself coming up against some evil forces lately-what has my approach been? To let it bother me. To get mad about it. To silently cheer on those who are fighting the fight of faith.

0 for 3. Nice.

Last week's Sunday readings really spoke to me. In his letter to Timothy, St. Paul writes,"I remind you to stir into flame the gift of God that you have through the imposition of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control. Do not be ashamed of your testimony to our Lord...but bear your share of hardships for the gospel with the strength that comes from God." (How does St. Paul know me so well??)

And in the gospel, Jesus tells us, "Increase your faith."

Is my faith increasing? Am I ashamed of my testimony to the Lord? Am I willing to bear my share of hardships? Do I recognize the strength I have from God?

Last Sunday, it was very clear to me that a test was coming. The events (both those I've listed, and numerous others) of last week that lead up to my hearing the words of those readings were not coincidence. I knew a test was coming. I prayed for strength.

This blog has taken a completely different turn from when I started writing it. I thought it was just going to be for friends and family. I had no idea that strangers in blogland would actually take interest in what I had to say. I had no idea that friends and family would actually continue reading. It's way bigger than I ever imagined it would be. I realize now that I have NO idea who is reading this. I know certain family members have told me they're reading. I know that there are 74 people who are "followers". I know that my blog stats say that 200-400 people are coming to my site when there's a new post.

That's a lot of people to piss off. That's a lot of opinions that are different from mine. That's a lot of potential hardship to bear.

For whatever reason, I joined in on one of the recent arguments at the Bubble. I could no longer remain silent. I could no longer silently support those defending life and treat the conversation as merely a learning tool for my own knowledge. I leaped.

But it still wasn't on MY blog. How many of my family and friends are actually reading the Bubble? How many of them will ever know that I commented over there? My guess is-not many. That was comforting to me.

But I knew it wasn't enough. The whole "easy to be a missionary in a foreign land, harder in your home country" kind of thing-only blog style. God was telling me to do more.

As I left comments on the Bubble, I received emails from dear blogger friends encouraging me. People telling me that I made a good point and that I said it well. They cheered ME on. And not silently.

And my mom said something to me today that really blew me away. She's giving a talk at a retreat later this month about Christian leadership. She's using me and my blogging as an example of how to "lead". She's going to tell the retreatants that I share my faith on my blog with anyone who reads it.

Yes, my mom. My mom who doesn't even agree with many of the beliefs I hold and profess. She recognizes that this is a forum for me to stand up for what I believe in. A possible opportunity for me to "lead" others.

If she only knew how much I was holding back. If she only knew how much courage I lack when it comes to wanting to post about certain topics. If she only knew that her fearless leader was a coward most of the time.

So it stops today. I'm no longer going to stop and consider who is reading this when I sit down to write. I'm not going to worry that I'll offend a family member, an in-law, a random classmate from high school, a close friend, a stranger just following along. I will not be ashamed of my testimony to the Lord.

Specifically, the "controversy" surrounding the last two weeks has been regarding the rights of the unborn. Human life begins at conception. I'm sure most of my readers would agree with that assertion, because I think most of them are Catholic or Christian.

We must do everything we can to protect that life. That brand new, incredibly vulnerable life. If you believe that life begins at conception, then a certain amount of other beliefs must follow.

Obviously, abortion is completely immoral.

Embryonic stem-cell research is never ok, no matter what kinds of outcomes may result. It kills human life. Period.

In-vitro fertilization is a crime to millions of unborn babies. "Selective reduction"-killing off "extra" babies or killing babies that may have some sort of defect. Keeping human beings frozen indefinitely. It's evil. It's worse. It's evil under the guise of good.

Birth control pills kill human life. They primarily work by suppressing ovulation, but that only works part of the time. The other times they make the lining of the uterus unable to support the tiny embryo. So you conceive a baby and it dies in your womb without you knowing it. You're just as much a parent as I am. Your children have siblings they will only meet in heaven. How often does this happen? Often. (Yes, I realize I should cite sources here. But this post is not primarily about birth control. That is for another day. But a quick google search will tell you about the four function of the pill.)

Those are some pretty counter-cultural truths. Sometimes I so surrounded by people who think and believe the way I do (thank God!) that I forget people don't understand those. But the events of the last two weeks have reminded me otherwise. I'm counter-cultural. I'm on the "fringe of society." My views make people uncomfortable and mad. And I am just going to have to live with that.

I don't know how to end this post exactly. I usually like my posts to have a solid introduction and wrap up nicely at the end, but this post has just been a stream of thoughts coming out of my head almost faster than I can type. So I'll guess I'll just end it.

"Increase your faith."

Crippled

I've been battling this crippled feeling for the last few days. Sometimes the culture of death is too much to handle. A combination of events have left me feeling defeated and bordering on hopeless.

The creator of IVF being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

The California blogger who is planning an abortion on Friday and the hundreds of commenters who are supporting her decision.

Thinking about the millions of babies who are living in frozen little petri dishes as I type this.

Thinking about the millions of babies who kicked their mommies just like mine is kicking me, but were still denied the chance for life.

Sometimes it just weighs on me. Sometimes I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes I feel like I'm in such an increasingly small majority of people who understand that LIFE is a gift that we will soon cease to exist.

But I know in my heart that won't happen. I know that the devil would want nothing more than to see the spread of his culture of death AND the despair of those still fighting for life. I won't let him have his way.

I will not be hopeless. I will not be crippled. I will pray harder. And speak louder. And love more.

I will fight death with love. And I have a lot of love to give.

Great Post

If you are a fellow blog friend I'm sure you have already read this post by Sew. If you are a friend of mine in real-life, you probably have no idea who she is. But you should stop everything you're doing and go read this post. I couldn't have said it better myself.

One of the commenters states: "holiness isn't mainstream." How very true that is...

And forgive the run-on sentences, she's too passionate for grammar. :)

A Possible Explanation

As with all of life's major questions, I'm wondering WHY infertility has to exist. Not so much "why me?" (although I do wonder that as well) but "why at all?" Something dawned on my the other day during my commute and I'm hoping I'll be able to explain my thoughts coherently. Here goes.

Children are gifts. It's as simple (and at the same time ridiculously complex) as that. They are ONLY gifts and they are ALWAYS gifts. No child can ever exist that is not a complete and utter gift from God. As Catholics, we are called to be an example to the world that children are gifts and that human life is precious.

So many Catholic families do a wonderful job providing this example when they welcome children into their homes in large numbers. A family very dear to my heart has nine children (under the age of 12!). They are a living, breathing, in-you-face witness to the fact that children are ALWAYS gifts. No child is unwanted, no child is a burden, no child was created without the hand of God. This family makes people think. They make people uncomfortable. In a world where children are seen as too expensive, too inconvenient, too time consuming, and too much work-this family dares to say, "No they're not!!" They are so pleasing to the Lord because they are spreading His message that children are a gift from Him and should be received with open arms if and when He wants to give them to you.

Another witness to the fact that children are ALWAYS a gift are families of children with special needs. Special needs kiddos have such a "special" place in my heart as a speech-language pathologist. So many families courageously raise children who have the odds stacked against them. They welcome babies into the world despite knowing that they'll have Down's Syndrome or only live for a few hours outside the womb. Children, no matter what kind of problems they may have, are ALWAYS a gift. These families are great witnesses of that.

But even with the great examples of large Catholic familes and parents raising children with special needs, the world is still left wondering why children are ONLY a gift. That's where the infertiles come in. Children are ONLY a gift, meaning they cannot be purchased, demanded, or earned. If God does not wish to bestow this gift upon you, you will not be blessed with the gift of a child. On the flip side of the contraceptive/abortion culture that says children are something to be done away with are those who view children as a right. Both are seriously misguided. Children should not be created in a lab. They shouldn't grow in the tummies of surrogate women who are not their mothers. Immoral practices (specifically masturbation for sperm donation) should never be done so that a couple can have a child.

Maybe it's my responsibility to witness this to the world. You don't deserve children-you are blessed with them. You can't earn them-they are ONLY a gift. When I stand in the back of Mass on Sunday, surrounded by large families witnessing to the blessing of children, I am making just as strong of a statement. It may not be quite as visible, and a lot of people may miss it (or worse-think I'm part of the contraceptive culture), but it's a statement that needs to be made. And somebody's got to do it. And I'm honored that God has asked me to be that somebody.

This doesn't make my childlessness any easier. I still wish I was called to witness to the fact that children are ALWAYS gifts while I loaded them up into our 15 passenger van instead of witnessing to the fact that they're ONLY gifts while driving away in a car without car seats. But knowing that my infertility can do some good in the world makes it a little more bearable. Children are not to be discarded nor avoided nor deserved. And I have the privilege of witnessing to one part of that claim.

Praise God! (and a Rant)

I was literally in tears at my appointment today. But for the first time in a looong time, they were tears of joy! It's going to work-I'm going to be able to ultrasounds and blood work locally to monitor the effectiveness of the Clomid! I met with Dr. L (non NaPro) and started telling him a little about my history. After I convinced him that I was not going to consider Lupron or IVF (see below) he was pretty uninterested in helping me. But then I showed him my surgery report from Dr. G (NaPro). He was very impressed. His actual words were something like, "You have a great doctor. He's done all kinds of stuff that we aren't doing here. Wow-I'm impressed." He then told me that he thought it would be best if I stuck with my doctor (yes!) since he's so knowledgeable in this field. He said that he would coordinate with the lab girls and the ultrasound tech to get me all set up and ready to go. He also said that he wouldn't consider me to be a patient, because he wasn't planning on reading or interpreting any of the results-everything will be sent to Dr. G. This means that I won't have to schedule an appointment with him when I need something done, I won't have to pay for an office visit on top of the ultrasound/lab work, AND I won't have to have him copy the orders from Dr. G-he said the clinic would accept the out-of-state orders.

I'll have to pay up-front for everything, which isn't a problem because insurance doesn't cover anything anyway and we usually just get the rejection letter and pay for it a month later. I'm going to make appointments directly with the ultrasound girl and don't need an appointment to come in for the lab. The ultrasound girl is not really familiar with monitoring follicles, but she has done it before. My doctor is willing to call her and talk to her more about it and she seemed to be really excited about that.

And it gets even better! When she asked if I had any questions, I decided to go for the gold and just casually said, "Would you ever be willing to come in on weekends?" (as the cycle days that I need ultrasounds may fall on a weekend). "I guess," she said, "I don't really see a problem with that." WHAT??? Really? This is the when the tears started flowing.

I was also introduced to a lady in billing who will help me coordinate everything. She told me the prices and, after I sweetly asked, is checking on getting us a discount for self pay. Even if we don't get a discount-it's not TOO much higher than what we were paying in TN. But we'll take every last penny we can get! The billing lady was very sweet and supportive. She told me that her sister struggled for a long time to get pregnant and so she understood how hard it can be. I really think that made a world of difference in her willingness to help me with this. Thank you Jesus! Her sister's infertility is blessing ME in a way that I'm sure she would have never expected!

With that, my doctor (if I can even call him "mine") said goodbye. He told me that I could call him if I ever had an emergency or a serious reaction to the medicine. He also said that if things don't go as planned to let him know and he would take care of it. Then he left.....and didn't charge me for a visit!!! I was sure I would at least have to pay for an office visit. He said it would be "criminal" to make me pay for the little amount of work he did. Wow! Could it have gone any better?!

I am beyond thankful for all of the prayers of my friends, family, and fellow bloggers. You are all amazing! God must really listen to you!

And now, unfortunately, I have a rant. It wasn't two minutes into the conversation and Dr. L was trying to push Lupron and InVitro. I told him we've been trying for a year and half, I have endo and have had two surgeries, my blood work is all good, that ultrasounds have shown my follicles are not producing eggs, and that I'm on Clomid. "So you don't have any follicles..." he said. "No, I have a dominant follilcle, it just doesn't have an egg," I told him. He wasn't listening to me. He then told me that even if I did produce an egg it would be in a hostile environment because of the endo. He told me that IVF was my "only chance" to get pregnant and that no matter how much work I did it was going to come down to that. He said that surgeries don't take care of endo completely and the only way to get rid of it is go on Lupron for 6 months (it stops ovarian function-how is THAT going to get me pregnant??) I thanked him for the advice and politely told him that I had moral objections to IVF (and Lupron) due to my religious background. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "well that's probably what it's going to take." To his credit, he did try to address some of things he suspected I found objectionable. "You don't have to make 15 embryos, implant 5, and kill 4," he said. "You can have the ultimate control over it." (e.g. "You get to play God.") "I understand," I told him, "but it's not an option." I told him that Dr. G had additional training in fertility treatment that didn't compromise my religious believes. I told him that he doesn't refer for IVF. Dr. L said "oh, he does it on his own?" "No," I said, "he has the same objections that I do. To which he replied, "What church do you go to?" (this is a VERY common question in the south). "I'm Roman Catholic," I replied, sitting up a little straighter in my chair and holding my chin up. I was so proud to be able to say that.

My other disappointment during the visit came, not from the fact that he pushed IVF, but because of how little he was able to offer me in terms of fertility. If I was just your average infertile gal consulting my local OB, this is the kind of advice I would have been given. How awful!

Again, thanks for your prayers! Keem 'em comin'!

The Irony of Health Care

I'm angry. And it isn't from the mood swings. I've been following the health care debate very closely since it was first being debated in the House last fall. Today is a big day-the House is set to vote on the Senate bill which DOES use tax payer money to fund abortions. But this post isn't about my opinion of the health care bill (I hate it by the way-our country can do WAY better) or even about the tragedy that is abortion (also hate it-this goes without saying). This anger I'm feeling right now is over the fact that abortion can be covered under ANY insurance policy, period. It doesn't matter if it's federally funded or from private pay-covering abortions under "health care" policies is absolute insanity.

Even if you actually support the "right" for a mother to kill her unborn child or think this health care nonsense is a good idea, follow me for a minute here. A baby's conception is the direct result of a man and a woman's properly functioning reproductive system. Babies are what happens when two fertile people have sex-it's as simple as that. A baby isn't a disease, a disorder, or a symptom. Women who get pregnant (and then abort their baby) have great progesterone and estrogen levels. Their ovaries are producing eggs that mature completely and erupt as they are supposed to. Their uteruses have plenty of healthy lining to support a growing baby. Their ovaries aren't covered with endo or PCOS. And their partner obviously had all of his parts working properly as well! All of the things us infertile women would die to have! These women have NOTHING wrong with their bodies (fertility speaking). Yet, insurance companies will actually pay for a healthy, fertile woman to stop the natural process that comes from her choice to have sex.

I, on the other hand, do have something wrong with my body. I'm filled with endometriosis and empty follicles that don't erupt completely. I have an actual medical condition. And what does my insurance company pay for? Nothing. Zip. Nada. Not a penny. I have a stack of Explanation of Benefits marked with "Denied-Not a Covered Service" big enough to wallpaper our living room! They must love getting claims from me-they know they won't have to pay a cent! Something inside of me isn't working correctly and they refuse to help me fix it. However, if everything inside of me started working correctly and I got pregnant, they would happily cover the cost for me to kill my baby.

Does anyone else see the irony in this??

Perfect fertility-don't want a baby: Covered!

Actual diseases, disorders, and symptoms of infertility-desperately want a baby: Not covered!

And it doesn't stop there. We also had to pay out of pocket for every visit and test that Ted went through when we did his semen analysis. He doesn't even have a problem-we were just checking! Insurance denied every single claim. Had Ted really had a problem with his FSH, motility, or something else-our insurance would still not have paid a dime. Now, flash forward 30 years. Ted's having problems "getting it up" (for lack of a better term). For purely reasons of our desire for pleasure he consults a urologist (let's even say that it's the exact same urologist he saw for his S/A-who was a jerk). Lo and behold! Viagra! And our wonderful, generous, and helpful insurance company steps up and foots the bill. They're so kind!

So what have we learned?

"Male problem" that interferes with pleasure: Covered!

"Male problem" that interferes with procreation: Not covered!

This just makes me sick. I try not to get too mad about when I'm writing the thousandth check to a doctor or hospital. But at the same time, God wants us to be mad about this. It's not ok. It's not part of His plan. I believe he wants us to be outraged about the evil and injustices of the world. Especially as they relate to the question of human life.

And it's not about the money. It's really not. More than I would like to see insurance companies coming to their senses and covering fertility treatment, I would like them to stop covering abortions and treating them like "health care". I will happily spend every last penny I have trying to get pregnant if it means that women who are already pregnant will be encouraged to choose life and not have their abortion paid for by me and the rest of the American taxpayers.

So what am I going to do about it? Well, first off, I'm going to continue to pray for the conversion of our country and all those who willingly take the life of an unborn child. And secondly, I'm going to call every one of the numbers below this afternoon and beg them to vote "no" on this health care atrocity that will results in the lives of countless more babies being killed.

God help us.

Pro-life Democrats that are undecided on how they will vote:
Marion Bery (AR) 202-225-4076
Kathy Dahlkemper (PA) 202-225-5406
Daniel Lipinski (IL) 202-225-5701
Earl Pomeroy (ND) 202-225-2611
Nick Rahall (WV) 202-225-3452
Bart Stupak (MI)202-225-4744
Steve Driehaus (OH) 202-225-2216
Joe Donnelly (IN) 202-225-3915
Jerry Costello (IL) 202-225-5661
March Kaptur (OH) 202-225-4146
Paul Kanjorski (PA) 202-225-6511
Alan Mollohan (WV) 202-225-4172
Mike Michaud (ME) 202-225-6306
Vic Snyder (AR) 202-225-2506
Harry Teague 202-225-2365

In Praise of NaPro Doctors

As I've mentioned in previous posts, Ted and I have sought out and found a wonderful doctor in Jackson, TN. Some people have asked why we would bother driving three hours one way to see a doctor when there are OBs right down the road. My answer: why WOULDN'T we??

Our doctor is a NaPro doctor. NaPro is short for Natural Procreative Technology. NaPro Technology is a woman's health science that seeks to diagnose and treat women's health problems in a way that is fully cooperative with her body. Nothing is supressed or overridden with regards to her God-given gift of her cycle. It is not soley a "Catholic" medicine, however, at the time most of the practioners are Catholic. The following are just a few of the multitude of reasons every woman on the plant should have access to these saintly doctors.

1. Every NaPro doctor I have ever met (three total) has given me more time and attention that every other doctor (probably more than 30) has given me combined! When Ted and I went to our first visit with Dr. G (our current NaPro doctor) we were asked by the nurse, "would you like a glass of water or something. It'll probably be a very long visit." We started talking with Dr. G at 3:00 and didn't leave his office until after it had closed around 5:30. He listened to me tell him my entire medical history, answered every single question we asked, told us all of the options we could pursue, and did so without once leaving the room or making us feel rushed. If you've never been to a NaPro doctor-your jaw is probably on the floor right now.

2. NaPro doctors don't prescribe "medicine" that is harmful to a woman's body and contrary to Church teaching. Birth control does not fix endometriosis. It does not fix painful periods. It merely supresses the symptoms and postpones true healing. And it does so while creating a hostile enviroment to the many, many babies that are conceived despite the pill. [I've even heard one estimation that the average woman on the pill for most of her child bearing years will have an many as seven abortions without ever knowing it.] Most doctors don't tell their patients that one of the ways birth control pills work (especially low dose pills) is to prevent conceived embryoes from implanting into the uterus, thus causing abortion. NaPro doctors tell their patients this. NaPro doctors don't allow women to unknowingly abort their babies. My first NaPro doctor told me that, even if birth control wasn't evil, he would still not prescribe it because it's bad medicine. It's not just immoral, it's unethical. He compared it to having your broken car towed all over town instead of having the engine repaired. "I'm not here to tow your car," he said.

3. NaPro doctors use a woman's unique and unrepeatable biological signs to help them in determining the problem. Every other OB I've ever been to has told me that "progesterone needs to be drawn on day 22 or 23, ovulation always occurs on day 14, etc." That is all based on a 28 day cycle. What woman in the world has a 28 day cycle every single month? In the last 8 months my cycle has been 28 days long only twice. That's only 25% of the time! My NaPro doctor has me keep detailed records of my cycle and all important changes to determine the best days to do bloodwork, ultrasounds, etc. It just makes sense and it's absolute lunacy that doctors still exist in this country that base everything on a 28 day cycle. When I needed to have ultrasounds done on particular days of my cycle and those days fell on the weekend, my doctor understood the importance of those days and came in on Saturday and Sunday when the office was closed to get it done. He even arranged for me to have an ultrasound and bloodwork done on Thanksgiving!

4. In addition to the time and attention our doctor gives us during our visits, he makes sure that we're ok even after we leave his office. I can call and email his nurse with any single question or concern that crosses my mind. He has called me personally after hours to discuss my treatment and talked to me for nearly 30 minutes! He even gave us his cell phone once. When I was experiencing some complications after my surgery, I wrestled with calling for hours before I finally did it. When I did I immediately started apologizing for calling, he completely ignored it and started asking me 20 questions to make sure I was ok. He did not mind in the least that I called. He trusted that I would only have done it if it was absolutely necessary. Since he's three hours away, he's told us that he's willing to do the majority of our treatment monitoring by phone and email. I asked him how that would be billed (as our insurance doesn't cover phone visits-not that it matters, they don't cover fertility anyway). He replied, "Kaitlin, I'm not billing you for this. This is my pleasure." When I said, "Are you sure??" He replied, "Yes, I'm sure. And do not take the fact that I'm not billing you mean that you can't call whenever you want. You call anytime you have questions and I'll answer them."

5. My doctor's primary concern is healing my body so that I can get pregnant and carry a baby to term. It is NOT to get me pregnant at all costs no matter what it takes. He is treating my disease and my symptoms, not pumping me full of medicine without bothering to find out what the actual problem is. He's not sending me on for invitro (which he would never do anyway) without getting to the bottom line about what's really wrong with me.

6. NaPro doctors pray for their clients. This is not to say that other doctors don't-but I've never been told of any other doctor's prayers. Just the other night I was getting off the phone with my doctor (at 7:30 pm) and he said "I'm praying for you and Ted, Kaitlin." I know he means it. My friend Lauren attended a Mass in St. Louis with the archbishop for couples struggling with infertility (in our honor) a few weeks ago. A NaPro doctor was there and read the petitions. Amazing.

Thinking this all sounds too good to be true? It's not. They're real. And anyone whose ever come in contact with one of these great doctors knows exactly what I'm talking about.

Lord, please watch over all NaPro doctors, your most faithful and obedient servents. Bless them abundantly and bring all doctors to know of the truth of their practice. St. Luke, pray for them!

For more info check out this interview with Dr. Hilgers, founder of the Pope Paul VI Institue and the man responsible for NaPro Technology.

http://ewtn.edgeboss.net/download/ewtn/audiolibrary/wo_02022007.mp3