So Long, Starkville

Of all the posts I've written in my head, this one is by far the longest running. I started compiling a list of things I will really miss about this town...as well as things I won't miss...about a year ago when we thought we would be moving. I refused to let myself put them to paper, so most of them have been forgotten. But I can think of a few things I'm really gonna miss. And some more that I won't mind doing without.

************************************************************

I will miss the slow, laid back pace of Mississippi.

I won't miss the idea that appointment times don't matter and you can just up show "whenever".

I'll miss seeing people wear their Sunday best for Mass and getting to church at least ten minutes early.


I won't miss having only one church in a 30 mile radius and only one opportunity a week for confession.

I'll miss seeing little girls in their sweet Feltman Brothers dresses.


I won't miss seeing little boys in their girly Feltman Brothers dresses.

The kiddos. I'll miss my speech kids and all my friends' children. Thank goodness for blogs and facebook pictures.


The drivers. I won't miss regularly getting behind a driver going fifteen miles under the speed limit. No, that is not an exaggeration.

Smoke free restaurants and gas stations. Ahh fresh air.

Mugshots.

Tailgating.

Crawfish in everything.

Taking walks around the ponds near our apartment.

Free golfing any time we want it.

A pool just down the road.

A priest that gives great homilies.

These people.

The great group of mom friends that have welcomed me into their ranks.


I absolutely will not miss having to scour the town for fresh food. It took me two a half years to find pastured eggs. I found them a week before we leave town!

A six hour drive home. I didn't think this one would be on the list, but six is looking pretty good compared to the twelve we're going to have once we move.

Our Mississippi Fish Family.


Ted complaining about the horrible fishing. I fully expect fish in our freezer at all times now-we *are* moving to the fishing capitol of the world!

Standing in my bathroom remembering the first time I saw that positive pregnancy test.

Driving through downtown at sunset.

Seeing deer on our lane while driving home at night.

Great friends that don't mind hanging out on a Friday night but each just eating our own leftovers because we're both too cheap to cook for each other.

The awesome support system I have for breastfeeding, natural birth, and all things motherhood.

An awesome consignment store that has supplied me with a virtually free wardrobe.

Sonic just a half mile from our apartment.


Living in an apartment. (We're moving into a great duplex!)


Neighbors that throw their grease and uneaten food off the balcony and into our front yard.

Did I mention I'm going to miss these guys?

The beautiful examples of Catholic family life in our parish and amongst our friends.


I won't miss not having  a Target!

Wearing maroon on Fridays.

Roadside cowbell stands.

Fantastic co-workers. Absolutely fantastic co-workers.

My little office on the stage.


The snake that scared the hell out of me in my little office on the stage.


Mild winters. Ha! I'm moving to the beach!


Dreadful summers. I can't believe we're actually moving further south....

And of course, those Landry's.

********************************************************

Last night in town. Last night in our apartment. So many thoughts and emotions but none that I can articulate. I'm grateful for the past two and a half years. I'm so sad to be leaving great friends behind. But I'm ready for our next adventure.

So long, Starkville! Florida, here we come!

An Opportunity

May 2009: Move to Mississippi for two years. Get Ted a master's degree and move back to Missouri. Get a job near family.

That was the plan anyway. Two and half years later......we're moving to Florida.

After months of being a terrific stay-at-home dad, Ted has been offered a dream position as a Fisheries Biologist. We are so grateful. And excited. And scared. But excited.

If you refer back to our plan, you might think this isn't something that we want-but that's not the case at all. Actually-if you had asked me a week ago if I wanted to move to Florida I would have said, "No way!" Two days after Ted's interview in Florida, he had an interview in Missouri. And not just anywhere in Missouri. The town where we met, fell in love, shared our first home. The job was in the same office that he had worked in, with the same co-workers he had worked with. Perfect. Right?

I wanted him to get the Missouri job so badly. We employed St. Rose Phillipine Duchesne to pray for us to get the job. She is Hannah's patron and patron of the diocese that the job is in. We prayed, not one, but two novenas asking for her intercession. I found myself walking around whispering, "Please Lord. The job in Missouri."

So we went for the interview. We hadn't been to our beloved town since the day we moved out in May 2009. Our excitement and anticipation was palpable. And when we pulled into town.....nothing. I can't put my finger on it, but something was different. Yes, the town had changed and many friends were gone-but I was prepared for that. It was something else. After just a few hours in town I turned to Ted and said, "This feels weird." He agreed. The job we had been hoping and praying for suddenly didn't seem like a great fit.

He went to the interview. He did well. I had an interview too-for my part-time "dream job" with a place I interned with in grad school. They offered it to me on the spot (oh how I love my career field!) I would have worked just two or three days a week. I just needed to find someone to watch Hannah.....Then my sister (who now goes to college there) informed me that she was looking for a job just two days a week. Wow. Perfect. Right?

As we drove back to Mississippi we were both filled with the sense that we wouldn't be returning any time soon. And suddenly, Florida started to feel like a very real possibility. By Tuesday, I knew he was going to get the job. I just knew. And I was strangely ok with it. When I got home from work on Thursday and Ted excitedly announced the good news (via Hannah holding up a little sign) I wasn't shocked. I wasn't scared. I was....at peace. A week ago I would have freaked out. But that was a week ago. And today-today I'm excited.

Excited for this next adventure. Excited for the chance to grow even closer as a family as we rely completely on each other in a town that neither of us has ever stepped foot in.

When I was searching for a novena to St. Rose I got an email about a novena for the Immaculate Conception. Something prompted me to say the novena, but I pushed it aside. "No-I'm praying to St. Rose because she will help us get the Missouri job!" Funny how I thought I could manipulate the situation.

Ted got the Florida offer on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. Perfect. Yes.

The last line in the gospel at Mass that evening: "Let it be done unto me according to Thy word." Of all the passages in the Bible-that's the one I chose two years ago to display on my blog. More Like Mary. Have I lived up to it? Far from it. Is God giving me another chance? Another opportunity? Always. And this one's a big one. So I'm opening my heart and my mind and trusting that He has something great in store for us in Florida.  He has prepared my heart as only He can do. He has gently led me along the trials of this job search and brought me to a place of peace and willingness that I didn't know I could get to.

Sometimes I struggle with the idea that God is really "in control." I tend to over emphasize our free will and wrestle with the notion that God really does have a "plan" for us. But I promise you-this wasn't our plan. I couldn't have even come up with this plan! It's only from God. Ted applied for so many jobs in Missouri and in surrounding states. And many of them would have been settling. He was willing to settle on a less-than-perfect job so he could provide for our family and move us closer to family. The fact that he didn't get some of the jobs he applied for defies logic. And, as with so many things in retrospect, I can see that God's hand was in it the entire time.

So, while it won't be on a donkey and I'm not pregnant, this Advent provides me with yet another opportunity to become more like Mary. Follow my husband. Trust my husband. Trust my God. And move to Florida.

And We're Back

Wow. It's been a month! I'm not sure how long I expected this break to last-but a month seems like a long time. Did you miss me?

The blog fast was surprisingly easy. I knew I was spending too much time online and a good clean break was what I needed. It was hard for the first day or so. Then, honestly, I hardly thought about it. I did still formulate blogs posts in my head, but I wasn't torn up inside to not be able to post them.

A few things I learned during the break:
I'm dangerously close to thinking that pictures are only worth taking if they're shared on some type of website. How horrible. All the picture of my childhood have only been seen by those that visit my parent's house. And they're priceless. I've taken lots of pictures of my sweet girl in the last month that I'm dying to share with facebook, but I'm not going to. I'm going to keep them to myself. Mostly just to prove to myself that I can do it. But I am gonna share some....

I'm also crossing the line over into the notion that every great memory needs to be blogged about. We've had some fun times in this past month. And none of them got a blog post or even a mention in a Quick Takes. But they still happened. And they were still fun. And even if I forget about those moments completely, they're still special.

I overvalue my own opinion. I read a great article by Jen Fulwiler during my break (I only allowed myself to read  her and Simcha Fisher's blogs on National Catholic Register-I just couldn't give those up.) I can't find the exact line I'm looking for now, but it was something to the effect of thinking that every thought in your head is worthy of a facebook status update. Ugh. Who cares about 99.9% of the thoughts in my head? Not even me!

I can't focus on my family if I have one foot in blog world. It was nice to just......be. To come home and just play with her all evening (Well, that never really happened. There was dinner and dishes and laundry and cleaning and and and) But even with all of that I was able to focus more time on Hannah. And that is precious time that I can never get back.

I love my "blog friends" but I don't need to read about their lives every single day. You want to know whose blog I missed more than anyones? This girl's. And she lives about six minutes from my house. There is no reason I should miss her blog-I should be hanging out with HER. The actual person. And hearing her interesting perspective and adorable kid stories from her own mouth. So while I missed reading the blogs, I realized that I don't need them. I like them. But I don't need them. And that's a good thing. Because I was beginning to wonder.

But...I did miss blogging. There were times I really wanted to work through some of my thoughts in a post. Or times I took a picture of Hannah that just screamed "My View" and begged to be shared with the world. I like my blog. I don't want to leave it. Not yet. So I'm back.

And now for random thoughts that want out of my head and can't be bounced off my husband because he's not here right now:

Garlic is amazing. A friend told me to rub it on Hannah's feet when she show signs of a cold. Cold? What cold? It's gone in just a few hours. And I was miserable yesterday. Sinus. Sneezing. Runny. Yuck. I swallowed some garlic before going to bed last night and woke up fine. Did you read that? Fine! Amazing.  I never want to take medicine again.

Hannah's favorite book has been Polar Bear, Polar Bear for several months now. It got put in the diaper bag a week or so ago and I just pulled it out tonight. She read it six times in a row. Isn't it funny how someone so teeny can have favorites? It's just fascinating.

I said teeny, but she's still a chunk. And those rolls are all mine!

She'll be ten months old next week and I swear she learns something new every. single. day. Sometimes several new things each day! Right now she gives kisses when we ask, waves bye-bye, pulls up on everything and lets go to see how long she can stand, crawls around the house but only until she finds something she can pull up on, pulls all the books off the shelf and sits in the middle of the pile and reads each one, blows raspberries on my tummy (my personal favorite), signs "dog", is just about to figure out the sign "more", only laughs at me when I try to get her to sign "milk" and refuses to do it, says every variation of "buh" you can think of, sometimes says "mamama", refuses to say "dadada", and makes us laugh at least 10 times an hour.

One of the most amazing things about having a kid is sharing the love you have for her with someone else. Ted and I have always reveled in our love. Is that the word I'm looking for? We've basked in it. We've appreciated it. We've acknowledged and enjoyed how much we love each other. But it's an entirely new experience to bask in the love of our sweet little girl together. To know that as head-over-heels, crazy in love with Hannah I am, that Ted is just as in love with her. It's so fun to love her together. It really does make me love him that much more.

Still dairy and wheat free. But we are going to start testing a little in the next month or so. Fingers crossed.

We've done some amazing improvements to the way we eat in the past few months. I'm really proud of us, but know that we still have a long way to go. I just ordered a bag of 30 pastured chicken feet. Is it weird that I'm ridiculously excited about that? No, I'm not going to eat them. Not whole at least ;)

I had to laugh when I read an old post about Hannah not sleeping. She was only three months old at the time and started to have some rough nights and I asked for advice. Now, nearly eight months later....she sleeps even worse. She's a terrible, terrible sleeper. But I'm not really all that concerned about it. There are times it gets tough. But  most of the time I can handle it. But it really amazes me how other people are bothered by her bad sleeping. Perfect strangers are so alarmed when I say she's not sleeping through the night (ha-not even close!). Why do you care people? You don't have to get up with her so why are you upset by it? Ugh. People.

It's so weird to me that bloggers who I waited with for that first positive pregnancy test are already thinking about baby number two. How can time possibly go that quickly?? And we're getting the question, "So when do you think you'll have another?" As if we could plan that? But it's an issue that deserves its own post-probably several. And it's an issue that I like sorting through in this public forum. Call me weird-but it works for me.

And because I can't take a month long  break and come back without at least one picture.....

Thank You Jesus. A million million thank Yous.

It's Not You....

It's me.

I need a blogger break. I don't necessarily want one, but I know I need one.

I need to re-focus, re-group, re-commit.

I need to re-focus on finding the balance between enjoying life at this present moment and hoping for even better things to come. The balance between planning for the future and worrying about it.

I need to re-group my efforts to my home, my family. There are a lot of things that need to be done and, believe it or not, blogging sometimes gets in the way of those things.

And most important, I need to re-commit. My life to Christ. My heart to Mary. My actions, thoughts, words, deeds, sufferings, sorrows, joys, triumphs, cares, and concerns to the Lord.

I'll be back. And hopefully I'll be focused, "grouped", and committed.

Oremus Pro Invicem!

Why I Love My Husband (9)

Hannah isn't around many other babies to get a good visual for crawling. So Ted crawls around on the floor 

and acts like a dog

every day.  :)

My New To-Do

We've been living our life in waiting mode for far too long. We've based so many decisions around "we might not be here much longer" and put so many things off "until we move". I've spent the last week and a half coming to terms with our new reality. It hasn't been easy.

My new to-do list:

1. Organize the bookshelf in the living room. It's over-cluttered and starting to look junky. I've been wanting to do it for weeks but kept thinking, "why organize it now-I'll just be boxing it up any day now....."

2. Find some new dress pants that actually fit. I've put this one off hoping that my next job wouldn't require me to dress up. Maybe I would get to wear jeans, or scrubs, or pajama pants..... A girl can dream right?  Well as of right now-I will be working in my current job for the winter and have no dress pants that fit my breastfeeding body. Shopping trip sometime this week.

3. Bring home the boxes I have stored at my office. Yes-we were that sure he was going to get this job. Yes-I've been saving  boxes for weeks thinking we would be moving back to be near our families. I have quite the collection. I've decided to bring them home and store crap in them that has been cluttering up the apartment. Definitely a let-down. But necessary nonetheless.

4. Get a new toilet bowl scrubber! Ours is rusty. Can plastic bristles get rusty?? Well they did. And I think it makes the toilet dirtier than before I scrubbed it. I've literally been waiting months to buy a new one because a toilet bowl scrubber isn't something you really want to put in a moving van. "I'll just buy one when we get to our new home." Well this is our home now and our toilet is dirty. I've decided to splurge and get a $5 scrubber next time I go to walmart.

While I do actually intend to do each of the things on this list-the most important thing I need "to-do" right now is learn to live in the moment. Learn to love this life-right now. Not the one that we thought was going to happen. Our dream and goal was dangled before our eyes and ripped away from us. But we still have a lot of good stuff going for us right here, right where we are now. 

And while I envisioned our first pumpkin patch pictures taking place in Missouri, the pumpkins in Mississippi were pretty good too.

Hurt

Yesterday was a bad day. A very bad day. Without going into too much detail on this oh-so-public forum, Ted got another rejection on a job that would have been perfect for him. He was the "second" choice. That's the fourth time he's been "second". But who's counting?

And I'm really struggling. And I can't find balance.

Balance between being thankful for what I have and mourning what's still missing.

Balance between blogging about the good things in my life and being fake about the hurt and fear that looms over my head.

Balance always eludes me.

It's not that he didn't get the job. (well, it is I guess). It's a dream shattered. A plan dashed. We were so close. A tiny little house. Maybe a yard big enough for a garden. A husband with a job. A bedroom for our daughter. We allowed ourselves to hope. To daydream. To get excited.

And just like that-it's over. We're stuck in our month-by-month too small apartment playing role reversal while I go to work all day and Ted plays Mr. Mom.

He's a wonderful stay-at-home dad. Absolutely wonderful. And I'm a good therapist. It's not that. It's just not what we feel called to do. He wants so badly to work and I want so badly to be with Hannah.

This plan was supposed to be temporary. In a single day it's gone from temporary to indefinite.

And I didn't expect the pain of infertility to come flooding back the way it did. That old familiar feeling of wanting something so badly. Something good! Something honorable! And not being able to do anything to make it happen. Coming to the cold, harsh realization that God's plan isn't the same as yours. And your mind tells you that His plan is better, but your heart just cries and cries.

Of course it's different than waiting for Hannah. She's here. And she's powerful balm for a hurting soul. But not being able to provide her with the kind of life we know she deserves is a completely new wound. And I haven't found the healing balm for that one yet.

And it just sucks to not get what you want. As whiney as that sounds. It just sucks.

And of course I realize that this is an opportunity to prove my trust and faith in God's plan for our life. But I'm so full of hurt and anger that I can't get to trust and faith. I will. But not now. Didn't I already prove that? Didn't I faithfully wait for two years for that sweet angel sleeping in the next room? What? That wasn't enough? He wants more?? Sigh.

But that was yesterday. And after I drug myself out of bed this morning and realized that it wasn't all a bad dream and there's no one popping out to say we're on candid camera, things slowly got better.

Healing came in the form of 16 ounces of Pepsi from a sweet little three year old. And a nice talk with a 59 year old friend. A fitting passage from a blogger well versed in her Bible. And an explosive diaper that ended up in her hair and had us laughing and working as the well oiled team we've always been. And this:

The two of them, a beautiful lake, and a sunset can make anything seem better.

Tonight, I'm counting my blessings. A husband who is better than I deserve. Better than anyone deserves. A rock solid marriage. A daughter that...I can't even being to describe how perfect she is. A warm place to live. Supportive friends. A family that loves us. Enough money for food. A steady source of income.

It really is so much. 

It doesn't take away the hurt. But it makes the hurt more bearable.

"No trial has come to you except what is human.  God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it."  1 Cor 10:13

Maternal Guilt

Instead of reading my quick takes today, you should immediately go to this article and laugh your butt off.

You're welcome.

Where I'm From

I'm from bunk beds, heart wallpaper, and worn pink carpet. 

I'm from Germany and Poland and France. But really just Missouri.

From don't smack your gum, don't let the door slam, push your sleeves up, and of course you can have friends over.

I'm from after-school trips to feed the cows, unlocking the gate, and imagination in a rickety hay loft.

I'm from nature walks with an empty ice cream bucket, pine cones, and an art project.

I am from Cardinals baseball, brown eyes and curly hair, from Bob and Peggy, Tom and Joan, and Chink and Rose.

I'm from deep fried everything, homemade ice cream, angel food cake from a box, and chicken and dumplings made from scratch.

I am from St. Vincent's. Baptized, Reconciled, Given Communion, Confirmed, promoted, graduated, married, and witness to another Baptism.

I'm from 50 something slushies, bike streamers, and a million trips around the block.

I'm from sunsets on a glassy lake and thin crust pizza.

I'm from an overflowing tree on Christmas morning, homemade costumes on Halloween, snap-n-pops and sparklers on the 4th of July, and a Hoeckele's birthday cake every August.

I'm from three-ring photo albums with handwritten descriptions and digital photo books ordered online, all stacked on the fireplace shelves.

Thanks to Sarah, for planting the seed for this post!

Quick Takes (31) with Prayer Buddy Reveal

-1-

This is the greatest video on youtube. And I promise Hannah is actually requesting to watch it. It's not her mother that sits attentively and chuckles through the entire thing. Promise.

-2-

This is the second greatest video.

-3-

This week Hannah started walking forward in her walker and pulling up on furniture! She's not even eight months old yet! She is no where near close to crawling. I suspect she might walk before she crawls. Just like her mama. I fear this means she'll be uncoordinated and not athletic. Just like her mama.

She can also entertain herself for sometimes 10-15 minutes at a time by taking all the toys of her basket and nibbling each one before throwing it aside. Oh I love her.

-4-

A friend sent me a recipe for almond butter pumpkin bars (thanks Erin!). Dairy free, wheat free, and sugar free. I used peanut butter because I'm cheap. Uh-mazing. I want to cut them into bite sized pieces, put them in ziplock bags, and carry them in my purse. Then when I tell people I can't have dairy or wheat and get a look that says, "oh you poor thing" I can give them a sample of this deliciousness and assure them that I'm just fine.

-5-

Of course I'm gonna share the recipe! Don't worry-I wouldn't hold out of you.

 c Pumpkin
1 c Almond Butter
2 eggs
1 tsp Baking Soda
1 tsp Cinnamon
1⁄4 c honey
1 c Chocolate Chips

Mix together the almond butter and pumpkin until smooth. Add the rest of the ingredients and pour into a greased 8x8 inch baking pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes. The middle should be set when they are done. Cool completely.

-6-

We wore jackets on our walk tonight! Fall weather is just around the corner....

-7-

I had the honor of praying for Jenny of All Things this time for prayer buddies! I've followed Jenny from the beginning and love her upbeat attitude and fun personality. Jenny, I've prayed for you throughout the day whenever you popped into my head. Ted and I prayed for your intentions in our nightly prayers. And I'm super excited about the incredibly awesome gift I have for you. Of course it's not in the mail yet. That would be too punctual for my taste.  Look for it soon!

Have a great weekend! Go Cardinals!

Mama Mary

One topic I struggle to write about on this blog is the same topic for which it was named. I love my mama Mary, but I get all out of sorts when I try to write anything about her. I've written a few things, but this time I'm gonna let the words of others speak for me.

Check out these beautiful posts on our Blessed Virgin:

The Assumption of Mary

Do Catholics Worship Mary?

A Beautiful Reflection on Relating to Mary

Our Dream Home!

Welcome to our dream home. We've recently renovated our expansive 889 square foot apartment. I think you'll like what we've done with the place.

Come on in. Try to find room for your coat amidst the collection of tiny hats, jackets, and baby carriers.

Our living room features a deluxe entertainment center-handcrafted by somebody on an assembly line who sold it to somebody who sold it on Craig's list. We think the pink blanket and million tiny toys are a nice touch.

And in the kitchen we just installed a new island. It comes equipped with wheels and a cut out for your butt.

The liqueur cabinet is stocked with our favorite drinks-tequila and frozen breast milk. It also has plenty of space for important gadgets like a wine bottle opener and boob squeezing tubes.

The antique dining room table was a gift from my parents....who bought it when they got married 28 years ago. We didn't have to worry about scratching the chairs with this lovely plastic high chair, they're already ruined from years of misuse and booster seat scratches.

We made some changes to the vanity. We just love the beautiful teal of the plastic bumbo seat, don't you?

And we turned our one shower into two with the simple addition of this garage sale bargain.

Our guest bedroom serves as the the office, changing station, and storage room all in one! What could more functional?

And the overstuffed closet has plenty of space for trolling motors and teeny little dresses, all we have to do is strategically rearrange every single item every two months.

We added this beautiful glider in the only possible space we could fit it. Perfect.

And we opted to trade out our four post bed for a nice, secure bed rail. Just right for those sleepless nights.

And on the rare chance that all three of us decide to sleep, this beautiful pack-n-play works wonderfully in lieu in a real crib.

Yes, we really like what this space has become.

Our dream home.

Quick Takes (30)-Am I the Only One?

-1-

Am I the only one who wants to make pumpkin EVERYTHING? Pumpkin bars, pumpkin pancakes, pumpkin muffins. Goodness I love fall!

-2-

Am I the only one who forgets the cloth bags in the car at walmart and whose blood boils at the thought of how many bags are wasted because of it? Am I the only one who annoys the check out lady by saying "oh, I don't need a bag for that," and then shoves milk, pineapples, and laundry detergent into the cart recklessly before she can stick them in bags?

-3-

Am I the only one waits waaaaayyyyy too long to change my contacts?

-4-

Am I the only one who leaves things in the dryer until they're so wrinkled they need to be dried again?

-5-

Am I the only one who absolutely cannot get out the brown sugar without eating a chunk straight out of the bag? When we were little my mom let us eat one little piece when she used it for baking. It was an occasional treat. But I've been cooking with brown sugar on an almost weekly basis lately (thanks to our new obsession with sweet potatoes) and I still eat a chunk every single time. I have no self control. Not even a little bit.

-6-

Am I the only one who hates getting ready for bed at night? I decide that I want to go to bed, but alas! there's so much to be done. Brush my teeth, wash my face, take out contacts, and go to the bathroom. It takes a whole FIVE minutes! The horror! Sometimes, it's just more than I can handle.

-7-

Am I the only who has never had a professional massage?? That is, until this past Tuesday when I redeemed a birthday gift certificate from my sweet husband. Rest assured, it will NOT be another 26 years before my next one. Those things are like crack.

And are you supposed to tip your masseuse? I hope not...

And an eighth...

-8-

Am I the only one whose daughter's thighs are bigger than her mommy's upper arm?

Elated!

I can think of nothing in my life right now that makes me happier than the news that a beloved friend has been set free from the agonizing burden of infertility.

Thank you Jesus.

Please join me in praying for a healthy pregnancy for this beautiful blogger.

A Few Questions

I don't normally do these things, but Bonnie asked me to. And I like Bonnie. And she writes for Virtuou Pla.net now so I better do what she says.

What is your occupation right now?  I'm a speech-language pathologist. I work for the local school district testing 2-5 year olds for speech and developmental delays. I also have a small caseload of preschoolers that I serve. I get to travel around to local pre schools and day cares on a daily basis. My office is in a pre school and I love stopping by the baby room to peak at the kids who are a month older than Hannah to see what she'll be doing soon.

What are you listening to right now?  Nothing. We never have the tv on and rarely play music.

What was the last thing that you ate? Guacamole and chips for dinner.

 How old are you today? 26

What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Cardinals baseball!

What is your favorite drink?  A margarita on the rocks with salt.

What is your new favorite song?  "Empire State of Mind" by Jay Z. Yes, I have a weakness for rap...

What is the last movie you watched?  I couldn't even tell you. We rarely watch movies.

Favorite day of the year? Any Friday in the fall. Especially if there's a home football game that weekend. That probably goes back to my high school cheerleader days. I just love the energy and the crispness in the air.

What was your favorite toy as a child? The video camera. We made music videos, commercials, movies...

What is your favorite season? Fall-Missouri's not Mississippi's

Cherries or Blueberries? Fresh-blueberries. Canned-cherries

When was the last time you cried? Tuesday at the doctor's office when Hannah has to be catheterized. It is so, so hard to watch your baby cry. (she's ok now by the way)

What is on the floor of your closet? Shoes, purses, and a box of spare sheets.

Who is the friend you have had the longest? My cousin Jamie-friends since birth!

What did you do last night? Drove back from a conference on Apraxia in Jackson.

What are you most afraid of? Nah-no need to dwell on that one.

How many states have you lived in? Two-Missouri and Mississippi!

What is your favorite kind of flower? Tulips. Hands down. Remember when I got these? (Beware-that was the post about the dead bunny.)

Nine Eleven

I was 16, a sophomore in high school.
Religion class. Back row. In the middle.
Our principal came on over the intercom and told everyone to stand. He led us in an Our Father and a Hail Mary and told us to sit down.
Then he told us about the attack.
I felt like the floor fell out from under me.
Mrs. W turned on the T.V. I saw the towers. I saw the planes. As much as I didn't want to watch, I couldn't take my eyes off it.
The bell rang for break. Everyone just stayed in the classroom watching T.V.

My parents were out of town. It was the first time they had left me in charge and didn't have us staying at a relatives.
I can't ever remember wanting my mom and dad more than I did in that moment.
I went to my uncle's classroom at the end of break and asked him if my cousin lived close to the towers. She lived in New York-but he didn't know how close she was. I prayed she was ok.

Geometry class. Mrs. W (a different one) led the class in an extra long prayer. Then we did geometry. She didn't let us watch T.V. Part of me was grateful.

After school I met my two younger sisters and a neighbor boy at my car. I drove them home and tried to answer their questions. I suddenly felt so young. I wasn't prepared to answer mommy questions.
My youngest sister was 9.
"Are the planes gonna come hit us too?"
"No, they only want to go to places with big buildings and there aren't any here."
"But the courthouse is really big!"
"No, they don't want to hit the courthouse."
"What about that cannon by the park [in front of the national guard building]? Will they come get us because we have that cannon?"
"No. That cannon doesn't work anymore and they know that."

Town was crazy.
Cars were pouring into gas stations. I had only had my license for a month and probably only pumped my own gas two or three times. I waited in the long line at Casey's because that's what everyone else was doing.

I talked to my parents on the phone that afternoon. They were cutting their trip short and were on their way home.
Thank God.

My cousin was ok.

Eternal rest grant unto them, Oh Lord. May they rest in peace.

My

mom

is

so

kissable!

Quick Takes (29)

-1-

I think Hannah is finally over her first illness. A fever for three days that got up to 103.3 today. I think she caught whatever was going around at the day care that my office is in. She may stay home, but her mama sure doesn't! We got through it with a lot of nursing, the ring sling, and the Holy Baby DVD I ended up buying.

-2-

Missouri tomorrow! Family reunion with Ted's mom's side of the family. And just in case-I'm bringing JEANS!

-3-

A friend gave me a very, very easy dairy-free peanut butter cookie recipe. I'm addicted. I can't stop making them. It's nice having a "go-to" recipe. It's not nice feeling sick from having no self control and eating too many cookies.

-4-

We're ordering take out tonight! I can't remember the last time we did that. Chicken strips from the best chicken strip place in town. And sweet potato fries made at home. Because even when we splurge-we're still cheap.

-5-

Am I the only one who ALWAYS puts an E on the end of potato? Thank goodness for spell check.

-6-

College football has begun! 59-14 was a great start to the season for the bulldogs. Hopefully many more to follow.  Of course, we'll have fun tailgating either way.

-7-

I've got nothing. Happy Friday!

My Week According to Google

I stole this idea from my friend Lyndsay. She just started blogging and I'm already hooked.


baby has to nurse to pass gas--breastfed baby pass gas--baby can't pass gas without nursing
As this would suggest, much of my week has been spent worrying about Hannah's gas. Much of the last six months really. Dr. Google didn't have the answer for me this time.

[sidenote: Ted wants me to warn my readers not to accidentally google nurses pass gas]

milk bank of mississippi
Darn it-it's not up and running yet. I don't want the 60+ ounces of milk I have frozen to go bad. Hannah can't have it because I froze it before I gave up dairy. Anybody out there need some breastmilk??

slr camera bags
Why would I be googling camera bags? To hold our awesome new camera!! It's amazing. I'm in love. We went to the park before Mass this morning to really test it out.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C:

And a D:

slr camera strap
See above. An awesome new camera needs a cute strap. I'm thinking this one.

do oreos have dairy
Believe it or not-the allergen warning on a box of oreos does NOT include dairy. At first I was a little disgusted that a cookie made of chocolate and cream didn't have milk. My disgust quickly turned to extreme excitement upon realizing that I could eat these milk free chocolate and cream creations! Ted had a few rough days with a fussy little girl this week (hence the googling of the gas) so I decided to treat myself him to-not one-but two boxes of oreos. After three full months of no dairy-oreos dipped in almond milk was about as good as it gets.

Fast forward to the next day-Hannah is miserable and it hasn't gone away yet. The only suspect is the oreos, despite the label not containing any milk ingredients. But she's acting like she did before I gave it all up and that's my only guess. After consulting google, I found that I'm not the only who has had issues with the disturbingly dairy-free cookie. The answer to my question? A definite: maybe.

holy baby dvd
Oreos only solved half of the problem of a stressed out stay-at-home dad. The other solution? TV.

If we're gonna brainwash her six month mind with television-shouldn't it at least be Catholic? I remember this DVD from a family I used to nanny for. It's very, very low budget-but it gets the job done. And we feel slightly less guilty for setting her in her jumper and turning on "Baby Bosco" instead of PBS.

Don't judge us.


how to cook butternut squash
Ted and I have really ventured out with our food over the last couple of weeks. Asparagus, okra, butternut squash, brussel sprouts. I had a recipe for Butternut Squash Crisp from the farmers we bought them from. The first direction: Cook squash.

Uhhh. You're gonna have to be a bit more specific. But thanks to Chef Google, we now know how to cook squash. And it's delicious!

[sidenote: who knew you could eat baked okra?? I thought this vegetable was only edible if it was fried. Not only is baked okra edible, it's delicious! I almost prefer it to fried! I hope no one read this and decides to kick me out of Mississippi...]

what are pork chitterlings
This one was Ted.

buffalo wild wings allergen menu
1-There is now a B-dubs in town.
2-Alisha's mom came to visit and offered to babysit Hannah while we all went out to eat. Free babysitting.
3-Then she offered to buy our dinner. Because she's the nicest person I've ever met. Free dinner.
4-Almost ALL of the wing sauces are dairy-free.

The perfect combination for a great Saturday night out.`Thanks Gigi!

What did you google this week?

Why I Love My Husband (8)

He scratches my back in the middle of the night while I'm sitting up in bed nursing Hannah. Sometimes I nurse her a bit longer than she needs just to keep the scratching going....

He is doing a fabulous job in his new role as Mr. Mom (I went back to work and he's staying home with Hannah while he looks for jobs).  This isn't the arrangement either of us would have chosen, but it's the card we've been dealt right now and he is making the most of it.

He sends me pictures of Hannah while I'm at work.

He's giving up dairy with me. Except milk-the boy needs his milk.

He appreciates the work I do for our family-be it laundry, preparing healthy meals, researching items before we buy them to save money-and tells me this continually.

His arms are really sexy when he pushes the stroller.

My View

On Breastfeeding

*It's world breastfeeding week! Thanks to a great Le Leche League, wonderful friends and family, great internet sites, and a supportive husband, breastfeeding has gone really well for us. If nursing is a sensitive subject for you, or if you don't want to read my rave review of my breastfeeding experience-don't read on :)

This post whirls around in my head for a few minutes every day. I want to use the best words, the perfect words,to describe my thoughts on one of the most amazing experiences of my lifetime. But eloquence is fleeting and if I don't catch it when it comes by me-this post will sound like a random assortment of mush.

But I'll try.

Hannah will be six months old on Sunday. And I'm damn proud that she's been exclusively breastfed for every bit of those six months.

Breastfeeding was a given. A choice that wasn't even a choice. Of course I will breastfeed my baby. That is what babies are supposed to eat.

I remember the first time I saw a woman nursing her baby. I was 22 years old. Twenty-two years of my life passed without my witnessing a woman nursing her baby at her breast. Even so, it was never a question.

I could list facts and data and studies that explain why "breast is best" but I'm sure anyone reading this already knows that stuff. It's the personal that begs to be let out of my mind. The emotional. The sacrificial. Those are the aspects that this post aims to describe.

I remember those last few weeks of pregnancy. Scared and stressed that it wouldn't work. I won't have enough milk. It will never "come in". It will hurt too badly. I had read about a dozen books on birth but had only cracked one book about nursing. I was running out of time! Must read more.

I remember my mother-in-law talking me off a ledge one night. "I breastfed three babies and I didn't know half of what you know! You know too much. Just do it."

So I just did it.

And I did it well.

Her slimy, squirmy little body flopped on my stomach and I scooper her up and held her tight to my chest. Heaven. Only a few moments passed and her little body had found its way to my breast. She knew just what to do. I let her. I even had the sense to do the "lower lip flip" and fix her very first latch. That got some "oohs" and "ahhs" from the nurses. That was the speech therapist part of me coming out.

I loved nursing from the moment she was born. I loved nursing her in my hospital bed. I loved staring at her little throat to see the change from suckle to swallow. I loved watching her poop turn to gold. I was feeding  my baby! We were doing it!

I remember making the conscious decision to put nursing before anything else immediately, thanks to the good advice of a friend. And although I wanted to play hostess when some of our friends came to visit, I forced myself to shoo them out into the hallway so I could get her latched and make sure she had a good feeding. This was all that mattered.

My face beamed with pride when the nurse did a weight check a few days after her birth and said, "and you're not supplementing?!" And the shock on her face when she looked at my nursing log and realized I had nursed her 12 times in the last 24 hours. It didn't seem like a lot to me-I just fed her when she stuck her little tongue out at me, which I guess was 12 times a day.

I really amazed myself at how "go with the flow" I was with it all. My very type A personality would normally want to schedule it, record it, analyze it endlessly. But somehow I let it all go and just fed her. And held her. And rocked her. And fed her some more.

Thank God for this, for it gave me the great supply that has sustained her for her entire, short little life.

And then the pumping. Damn pumping. Nursing a plastic tube when I should be nursing my sweet girl. But I thank God for pumping because it's allowed me to continue our breastfeeding relationship despite our separation. I've pumped in storage closets, cars, cafeteria kitchens, and Sunday school rooms. I've had not one, but two janitors barge in on me despite my calls of "shut the door!" and smiled at the guy who mows the grass outside my office, laughing on the inside because he can't tell what's going on behind that computer screen. Pumping can be my best friend and my worse enemy.

There are set backs. Of course there are. Tears at the sight of everything she just ate coming back up at me. Pain. But not for long. Oversupply and squirting and leaking that made me want to pull my hair out. Times when I really want to start scheduling her "just because she's older". Not being able to eat out due to her dairy allergy.

But I don't care. I just want to nurse her.

I am the only person on this earth who will ever see that little smile she gets in the middle of nursing that lets me know she is perfectly, perfectly content. I hope I never forget the way her sweet little body feels in my arms as she lays across my lap and drinks in my milk.

Next week we'll go in for her six month check up and they'll ask me how many times a day she nurses. I never have an answer for that. I stopped counting when she was five days old. Ten, 12, 18? I have no idea.

Breastfeeding isn't about just feeding her. I nurse her because she's tired but it's not quite bedtime and she needs help relaxing. I nurse her to help her tummy feel better from all the gas. I nurse to help her poop. I nurse her to help her fall asleep. And back to sleep. And back to sleep again. I nurse her because she missed me. I nurse her because I have no idea what is wrong and that's the only way I can think to fix it.

It wasn't always that way. She was a pacifier kid up until three months. Nursing was for food only and she got on and off as quickly as she could. I don't know what changed or how it happened. And there are times when I desperately want her to take her pacifier back. But most of the time I'm beyond willing to be that pacifier for her. I'm better than plastic. I'm mom.

Now I've lost my train of thought because, wouldn't you know it, she needed to nurse. Her tummy hurt. I made it better.

I realize that not all woman have come to love nursing as I have. There are as many reasons for that as there are women. That's ok. I'm just so glad that I did, in fact, end up falling in love with it.

We're planning to start solids this weekend. She's beyond ready and I can't hold her off any longer. And while  I joke about not wanting to do solids because of the extra hassle, I'm secretly dreading this small step of independence. I won't be her everything anymore. It'll be me and an avocado. But I'll be the one holding the spoon. :)

So I'm grateful that God designed nursing the way He did. I'm grateful for this experience. It's so powerful. So bonding. So strong. Our human nature experiences bonding through such physical means. A handshake, a hug, sex. And nursing. She was conceived with a physical bond and I nourish her with a physical bond. And  I connect to her on an indescribable level.

Does this all sound super cheesy? Eloquent? Mush? Maybe. I really do mean it though. Just my real thoughts on paper. I don't mean to romanticize nursing and make it out to be something it's not. But it really is pretty dang amazing. I haven't even skimmed the surface.

Thank you Lord, for the gift of breastfeeding.





***

I’m celebrating World Breastfeeding Week with Natural Parents Network!


You can, too — link up your breastfeeding posts from August 1-7 in the linky below, and enjoy reading, commenting on, and sharing the posts collected here and on Natural Parents Network.





(Visit NPN for the code to place on your blog.)

My View

Quick Takes (28)

-1-

Someone is sitting up! And is apparently very proud of herself!

-2-

No Sales Tax Weekend + 50% off the entire store + Credit in my consignment account + Baby who can now sit up in the dressing room while I try stuff on =

Two skirts, a shirt, and a dress for only $12! Happy Early Birthday to me!

-3-

Ted's been gone the last three days for work. I've survived the sleepless nights by myself, but I am sure happy he's on his way home. Life is just better with my hubby here.

-4-

I'm not one to post recipes online. I fall into the category of "taker" and not "giver" when it comes to information on the internet. This recipe, however, is begging to be posted!

Homemade Bruschetta

2 tomatoes (garden only!)

1 onion

2-3 small cloves of garlic

Italian Seasoning

Salt and Pepper

That's it! I brush olive oil on sourdough bread, season it with garlic salt, and bake it for a few minutes. While it's baking I cut up the tomato and throw the onion and garlic into the chopper. I add the seasoning to my taste (which means a ton), slap it on the bread, and enjoy my heavenly creation!

Isn't it great when healthy food is also easy and yummy?

-5-

As if I didn't already want one bad enough, looking at the above picture makes me really, really want a fancy camera. Then I could take cool pictures of my food like this. And capture more smiles from Hannah with a faster shutter speed. Maybe if I sell my current camera and combine all my upcoming birthday presents......

Anyone have any thoughts/suggestions on buying a really good camera?

-6-

While you're over at Laura's blog checking out her awesome picture of zucchini pancakes (You have no clue what I'm talking about? You must not have clicked on the previous link) check out her newest post on breastfeeding her daughter who is about to turn one year old. Good stuff.

Hannah will be six months old in just over a week and I'm pretty dern proud that she hasn't had anything but mama's milk in her precious little digestive system. (Not to make anyone feel bad who can't say the same of course-I can toot my own horn without judging right?)

-7-

Speaking of that precious little digestive system, Hannah is definitely allergic to dairy. I've also been so skeptical of "dairy allergies" because they're so common it almost seems like a fad. Then I had my own little one with "allergic colitis" and I now know it's definitely not a fad. So I'm completely dairy-free and have been for almost two months now.

And you know what? It's not a big deal.

This from the girl who drank 1-2 glasses of milk a day, ice cream several evenings and week, and considered Sonic the ultimate date night. But when I see how much it's helping her my motivation is sky high and I don't even mind the slight trouble.

And did you know that dairy is in everything?? Like, everything everything. Oh well. Maybe this is the kick in the pants we needed to move further away from processed foods and eat things the way they are meant to be eaten.

-8-

I need an 8th this week. In honor of NFP Awareness Week, check out two of my favorite bloggers/columnists and their take on NFP. Jen is so wise and Simcha is so funny.

I wrote my own post on NFP, too-in case you missed it!

Have a great weekend! And have a bowl of ice cream for me. Really. I won't mind. :)