Fuzz

My brain is absolute fuzz. I have no clarity. No peace of mind. No concentration. I've heard about "pregnancy brain" but didn't think it would be like this. It's as if, in order for the baby's brain to develop properly, mine has to completely stop functioning and turn into mush.

I'm off for the entire month until I start work again in August. I'm not sure if being off with nothing to do is contributing to this feeling of fuzz or if it's the greatest blessing a pregnant woman could ask for. Simple tasks like doing the dishes just seem like too much for me to handle. I can't even get up enough energy and motivation to walk to the mailbox everyday. It's seriously weird.  And I'm not complaining. Informing people of what my pregnancy has been like so far isn't complaining.  When someone asks me, "how are you feeling?" I tell them, "nauseous and exhausted." Why lie? That's how I really feel. And it still lasts all day. I'm in a constant state of feeling like I need to throw up....but not quite.

So many topics have been swirling around in my head that are calling for posts, but I just can't find the brain power to put my thoughts into words. I can't seem to be able to articulate any kind of intelligent, coherent sentence. Much less an entire post. I've been reading everyone's posts but hardly commenting. Coming up with any kind of response worth reading has become a difficult task. It seems the only thing I'm able to get out is, "great post!" or, "thanks for writing this!"

Bare with the boringness for now, maybe my brain will return in the second trimester.

Quick Takes (8)

-1-

I have a bump!!!!! It started popping out around 7 weeks but didn't show up in a picture until 8 weeks. Yesterday, TWO people told me they noticed my bump! I was glowing! Ted hears, "look at my bump!" at least 5 times a day. Every time I walk past our bathroom I stop and look at it in the mirror. I used to obsessively check my hair anytime a mirror was in sight-I don't think I've even glanced at it lately (other than fixing it....sometimes). My belly is way more interesting.

I only squeezed on this jean skirt for this picture-it's already too tight!

-2-

If I were given the gift of an all-expense paid shopping trip anywhere in the world, I would pick.....Utah. Those Mormons take their modesty seriously! And they make it look good! Exhibit A (world's cutest swimsuits) and Exhibit B (worlds greatest undershirt-especially for Mississippi). Both are Utah based companies and it seems like every modest clothing website I come across is from Utah. When I showed Ted the undershirts, always the frugal, common sense man that he is, he asked if I REALLY needed them. A blank stare ensued. An undershirt? That won't make you hotter? And will fit me no matter how big my belly gets??? I need five. If Catholics took modesty (and fashion) as seriously as Mormons-can you imagine how good the shopping would be in St. Louis??

-3-

We met some new friends! Two couples that started attending the earlier Mass (same as us) rather than the later one. Who knew there were even MORE good Catholics in this Protestant-run southern state? The two guys like to golf and play poker-Ted is set. And the ladies like to.....talk :) So I'm happy. We're heading out to one of their houses for a BBQ tomorrow and I'm so excited!

-4-

Despite supplying us with plenty of Catholic friends, the South continues to disappoint. I'm really drawn to the Bradley Method of natural childbirth. It seems like a great system. A 12-week course, lots of hands-on training by certified instructors, real-world advice. When I searched for providers online I found two dozen in Missouri! And in our state? One. And she's an hour and half away. Seriously-this state just has nothing to offer. Last night Ted said he wouldn't live here permanently for even a million dollars. The more I teased him about it-the more I realized he was actually serious! "If you got a job that gave us a million dollars and allowed me to have as many kids as we possibly could, stay home with them, and never work another day in my life-we are STAYING." His response? "Only for two years-no longer. The fishing just sucks." God love him.... :)

-5-

Despite the ridiculous distance between us and the only Bradley instructor in the state, it's not out of the question that we might actually do it. We don't have to decide until September, when her next class starts up. She told me last night she's had couples from our town-so we're not the only ones crazy enough to actually consider it. I guess if we drove three hours (sometimes several times in a week) to see our NaPro doctor and GET a baby-we can drive an hour and half to learn how to BIRTH a baby! We'll see....

-6-

Ted was kind of hurt by how many people didn't wish him Happy Father's Day last week. (Thanks to those that remembered!) It's crazy to me that people don't consider you a father (or mother) until the child actually comes out of the womb. We have a baby. We are responsible for this baby. This baby is a living being with a soul that is loved by us and God as much as any baby out of the womb! Last Sunday was Ted's first Father's Day. Next year will be his second. He's not a daddy-to-be. He's a daddy. And he's a great daddy.

-7-

Last night, I heard something pounding so hard against our window that I thought it was starting to rain. I got up to check it out and realized it was actually giant bugs committing suicide by flying full force into the glass. Gross.

Great Post

If you are a fellow blog friend I'm sure you have already read this post by Sew. If you are a friend of mine in real-life, you probably have no idea who she is. But you should stop everything you're doing and go read this post. I couldn't have said it better myself.

One of the commenters states: "holiness isn't mainstream." How very true that is...

And forgive the run-on sentences, she's too passionate for grammar. :)

Quick Takes (7)

-1-

I cried in the aisle at Walmart picking out Father's Day cards. I just spent the last hour watching brides-to-be pick out ridiculously expensive wedding dresses on Say Yes to the Dress and cried every time they found "the one". I think the pregnancy tears are setting in. What fun!

And-I think I have a bump. But only at night. Does that count? Last night I just swore I had a bump. My silhouette NEVER looked like that before. But this morning-it was gone. Maybe I'm just bloated...

-2-

I'm almost positive that I have a new job! I resigned from my position with the school district I've worked for for the past year and am waiting for a contract from a new school district. I was traveling 35 minutes to a nearby town all year and it really weighed on me. This new district is in our town and it will take me about 5 minutes to get to work in the mornings. I just couldn't imagine continuing to drive over an hour a day with nausea, a huge belly, and eventually a little baby. The special education director in town called me and offered me a job the day after we found out we were pregnant!! I didn't even apply! Talk about great timing!

I'm very excited to start my new job in town. It will still be working as a speech-language pathologist traveling to different preschool and day care sites. I'll only have to find someplace for the baby for less than two months before summer will be here. (and we'll figure out the next year when it gets closer-Lord please give Ted a JOB!!). The biggest perk will be the extra hour in my day that will be spent cuddling with my little one rather than driving in my car!

-3-

Speaking of speech-language pathology....I just received my national certification in the mail! To become a full fledged SLP you have to complete a nine month "clinical fellowship". I finished mine in May and got my certification soon after! I will now put the letters MS, CCC-SLP behind my name when signing oh-so-important documents. It stands for Master of Science, Certificate of Clinical Competence-Speech Language Pathology. You know you're jealous of my awesome letters!

-4-

I've already gained 5 pounds. Seriously. How many of you are checking my side-bar ticker to remind yourself how far along I am right now?? Yes-you're reading that correctly. Seven weeks. Five pounds. The baby is technically only 5 weeks old-so I'm already averaging a pound a week! It makes me blissfully happy to know that my body is responding to this little one inside of me. Last night I saw a number on the scale that I have NEVER seen before. I kept stepping off and back on to make sure it was real. Cheesy grin and running into the kitchen to tell Ted ensued. I was slightly underweight before I got pregnant, so maybe I'm actually caught up now (or close to it).

-5-

Remember the neighbors I met thanks to the bunny incident (see #2)? Well we're actually developing a funny little friendship. Last week the mom came down to ask me for some advice on what to do about her ex-husband. We ended up sitting outside and talking for over an hour. I have yet to start working with her little boy because of constant schedule conflicts (or my getting sick) but it is definitely still the plan. My favorite part of the whole friendship is that she sends her two sweet little girls (3 and 6) down the stairs to knock on my door and relay messages to me (it's hard for her to get the little boy out-it's easier for me to come up to her). Last night the girls came down and asked me to come up with them to talk to their mom. The little three year old made it all the way down the steps and across the hot concrete barefoot with no problems. But as soon as we started walking back up she started pouting and asked me to hold her. So cute! I couldn't resist.

The last month has been filled with greetings as we come and go, the sharing of "sugar strawberries" with me by the oldest girl (which are just strawberries covered in sugar!), a gift of sidewalk chalk from me to the girls, and now coming home to homemade hopscotches and Thank You notes written in chalk at our front door. I find it fascinating that we have almost NOTHING in common and yet are starting to call each other "friend". She's a divorced, single mother of three-I'm a married pregnant lady. We don't share the same faith, job, race, or interests. And despite all of that-a unique friendship is blossoming.

-6-

I'm super excited to join Lauren in reading The Reed of God! She's been blogging for some time now, but I only recently discovered her and she is quickly becoming one of my favorite sites to check in on. Her faith is so beautiful and evident in her writings. I know that I am going to learn much from her.

If you're interested in joining her check out this post. I just ordered the book off Amazon for 8 bucks-including shipping! I'm pretty picky when it comes to Catholic books and authors. I'm not one to see the term "Catholic" and assume that it's solid. However, Scott Hahn gave a rave review of the book. That's good enough for me!

-7-

Say some prayers for a potential housing situation that is presenting itself to us. It could potentially mean saving TONS of money and having way more space. It would also give Ted two ponds for fishing and woods for exploring. A dream come true. Hopefully more details to come soon.

Have a great weekend!! Happy Father's Day!

Indecisive

I think this is the fourth time I've changed my blog since I started it in January. I've been wanting something light blue in honor of Our Lady but haven't found anything I like until now.  I have this irrational fear that people won't know it's me if I change too much and will stop reading. That IS irrational right?  Hopefully this one is neutral enough that I won't get sick of it like I did with all the others. Ted doesn't think it'll work. He knows me too well.....

One Beautiful Little Heartbeat!

What an amazing, beautiful, incredible gift from God! Our little baby, only 6 weeks-5 days old, has a strong little heartbeat and we got to hear it!!

Our ultrasound girl knew how nervous we were (she was the same one that did some of our fertility ultrasounds) and promised us she would tell us the second she saw the heartbeat! She skipped the abdominal and went straight for the transvag (thank God!) so we didn't have to have even one second of worrying. I started praying a Hail Mary as soon as she began but only got to the words "full of grace" before I heard the words I will never forget: "I see it and there's a heartbeat." It took me a long time to see it, but I was so comforted by those words that I didn't care. Ted and I both got to see and hear the little thing. It was so wonderful. I could have listened to it all day.

Here are some pictures of our precious little miracle.

This one is showing the heartbeat. 122 beats per minute. Some estimates I read said it should be between 90-110. Our doctor said 110-160. Either way-it's just fine!

This one shows the baby and the yolk sac. The arrow is pointing to the baby. The yolk sac is the circle in the upper left. We could just barely see a little fluttering. It looked more like the ultrasound girl had an unsteady hand and was just moving the probe.

The two lines are the baby's height and width. If you draw a circle around the cross-that's our baby! He's measuring 6 weeks-3 days, two days behind schedule. That's still within range so we're right on track!

I couldn't pass up an opportunity to take my first picture with the baby!

Here's a video of the heartbeat! Turn your speakers up loud to hear it and click the bottom right corner to make it full-screen. At the very end of the video you can hear me say "awesome". That word didn't even begin to describe how "awesome" the whole experience was!

We met our new doctor, Dr. B, for the first time. He's really young, just a year out of school. VERY nice and easy to talk to. The appointment probably lasted a half hour, which impressed me. He made a joke about having heard about me before. I guess I have a reputation for being.....assertive. Yes, we'll go with assertive. I just smiled and said, "yep-you're the lucky one that gets to work with me!" Ha!  He let me ask as many questions as I wanted and didn't rush us at all. He said he's delivered about 80% of his patients' babies (the others were an on-call doctor) and that his C-section rate is only about 10-12%. He doesn't do episiotomies and has not yet had to use forceps or a vacuum.

He wasn't concerned about my racing heartbeat, as long as it doesn't get more frequent or start lasting a long time. He was somewhat concerned with my difficulty breathing. I have a history of strange, undiagnosed breathing issues and have had very bad respiration recoveries every time I've been under anesthesia. He suggested an appointment with a pulmonologist and I happily agreed. All in all, I'm really happy with him.

I had to chuckle when he said, "everything looks great, but you may want to hold off on telling everyone until about 12 weeks, then you'll really be in the clear."  It doesn't get more 'everyone' than a blog and facebook! There's just no way I could keep this miracle a secret!

Thank you, Lord, for our baby's heartbeat. Keep it pumpin'!

The Most Beautiful Faith

Two weeks ago my cousin Jason was ordained to the priesthood. I don't think I've ever been prouder to be Catholic or more in love with Church than I was at his ordination. What a rich, beautiful faith we have! Traditions dating back to the time of Christ. A Cathedral so awesome that your mind can't think of anything but heaven. Music so beautiful that you would swear a choir of angels was singing it. Gospel readings. Incense. Eight men pledging their lives to Christ and the Church.

I'll have to let the pictures do the talking on this one.

Quick Takes (6)

-1-

Ted's gone for the weekend. He left Thursday for a tennis tournament on the coast. He'll be back on Sunday (Saturday if they lose) and I hate it. I hate when he leaves. I miss him instantly. We're like a disgusting cheesy movie when it comes time to say our goodbyes. Hugging and holding each other and refusing to let go. Looking back at each other as we walk away. Staring in the rear view mirror as long as he'll remain in sight. It's laughable really. And I hope it lasts forever.

AND TODAY IS HIS BIRTHDAY!!! Happy Birthday Babe!

-2-

I started summer school this week and am really having a hard time getting through it. The idea of some extra money for working three weeks in the summer sounded great.....pre pregnancy. Now I just cannot get up the motivation to do a good job and can't wait until my last day-June 24th. I'm not telling anyone at work yet so I'm having to hide all my symptoms. The good news is that the regular school year will start up just as I'm entering that glorious second trimester. Great timing God!

-3-

Speaking of symptoms, they're coming in full force! I'm extremely tired. A tired I have never felt before. Sometimes I'm so tired that I can't fall asleep. As if the act of falling asleep requires more energy than I can bare to exert. And the term "morning sickness" is a joke. It definitely doesn't go away when the morning does. For the last several days I've been queasy pretty much all day. Eating only helps a little. And I set a new record last night getting up to pee a total of three times! (I NEVER did this before I was pregnant.) It's not really that bad, cause I'm so tired I can usually fall right back asleep. And I bought some night-lights yesterday so I'm no longer walking into the walls. Actually, I think if Ted walked in on me peeing at 3:00 am he would find me smiling like an idiot. It's a beautiful little reminder in the middle of the night that I am, in fact, still pregnant. I can't help but feel a little giddy each and every time.

[Side note: does anyone know if shortness of breath (sometimes extreme) and a sudden increased heart rate when lying down are normal? Yes, I will ask my doctor, but wanted your opinions too.]

-4-

And then there's the CRAVINGS! I didn't have any until right around the 6 week mark but boy are they here now! And I think they're funny. Ted thinks they're hilarious. Wednesday night I ate bacon and mashed potatoes and gravy (the thought of the leftover enchiladas I had just made the night before made me sick). Yesterday, just two hours after my lunch (leftover mashed potatoes) I had an extreme craving for Spaghetti O's. I went to the grocery store and stocked up on that and several cans of chicken noodle soup. I ate the entire can in a matter of minutes, nasty little meatballs and all. Delicious. I was particularly nauseous this morning and the only thing I could eat at 9:30 was the chicken noodle soup. I wonder what oddball food I'll have a hankering for next...

-5-

I got some GREAT news from my doctor this week (still my NaPro doctor-I haven't met the new one yet).  My progesterone was so good that we can stop PIO injections!!! Woo Hoo! After we figured out the best way to do them, they really weren't that bad (the trick is going incredibly slow, like releasing it over a 5 minute time span) but I was still sore for several days after. For anyone that cares, my number was 80! Waaaaay higher than average. For once my body is doing something right! I also got the results from my third quantitative hCG. It was a full nine days after the one before it (and it should double every 48-72 hours) so I calculated that it needed to be at least 3,000 to be on track. My entire body tightened as I prepared to hear the results from the nurse. I had no idea what was coming. The result? A whopping 19,000!!! Grow little baby grow! (And don't ask about the chance of that indicating multiples-I have no idea.)

-6-

Our first ultrasound is this Monday!! We're going to meet the new doctor and see/hear the baby's heartbeat! The great blood work results have eased some of my fear about the ultrasound. This little one's heart should have been beating for a while now. Surely my progesterone wouldn't stay so high and hCG keep climbing if it wasn't beating. Right? If I'm wrong-don't tell me. I had three crazy dreams last night about the ultrasound. The first: everything was fine and the baby was moving its little legs super fast (it doesn't even have legs yet). The u/s tech told us that meant it was a boy because boys are more active. I was TICKED that she told us and started bawling. The second: we discovered my uterus was filled with a million little tiny white specs. The baby had exploded inside of me. I started bawling. The third: The u/s tech said everything was fine but wouldn't let me see the screen. She said the hospital had not invested in screens that can move for the mother to see them. Again, realizing I wouldn't get to see my baby, I started bawling. 

-7-

I have great friends. That's it. I just wanted to share. Well, that's not it-I guess I can elaborate. Having lived in the South for a full year now, I can happily say that I've made just as good of friends down here as I have back home. I have a great group of girls that I've met through Ted's grad program and can do girly things with. I've met several wonderful families that I can go to the pool with or visit with after church and talk about everything from childbirth to the Latin Mass. I've stayed close with many of my friends back home and have the ability to relish in a nice long phone call every now and then. And then there's Jude and Alisha, who are so wonderful I could write an entire post about them. They had me over last night for dinner since Ted was gone, as they have done so many times. I just love them and am constantly amazed that we met such an awesome couple in the middle-of-nowhere that shares our values and knows how to have a great time. I never go to bed without thanking God for my husband and our little baby, but I often forget to thank God for my friends. But seeing as they are all incredibly awesome and helping me get to heaven every day, I should really be more grateful. So if you're my friend and reading this (blog friends totally included)-thanks!

Our Lady, Help of Christians

Shortly after finding out about our little miracle I had the desire to consecrate this pregnancy to Mary and ask for her help in a very specific way.  This blog is, after all, supposed to be chronicling my journey to be more like her. And although it's always been hard for me to identify with Mary, not being a mother myself, I now have no excuse (as if I ever did).

The Church upholds the Mother of God as someone to honor and look to in times of need. If Jesus is truly our brother, then Mary is truly our mother. And a perfect, loving, grace-filled mother at that. Who better to entrust our precious little one to than Mary? If she was good enough to be the mother of my Lord, she's sure good enough to watch over my baby! The Church has many different titles for Mary, but this is not to be confused as separating her in any way.  The same way that we have different titles for Jesus (Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace, Lamb of God, Good Shepard, etc) we have different titles for Mary. At different points in one's life he may relate better to a particular title (or aspect) of Jesus. I've clung to Jesus as a child and part of the Holy Family during my struggles, for example. Other times, I've clung to the suffering Jesus, the Jesus of the Cross, to get me through the pain and sorrow that was consuming me at that moment. The same can be said for Mary. She has different titles depending on what aspects are being described. When we refer to Mary who appeared to Juan Diego, we call her Our Lady of Guadalupe. When we refer Mary who appeared to St. Bernadette, we call her Our Lady of Lourdes. When we refer to Mary as a the suffering mother of Jesus, who endured more pain than any mother should have to bare, we refer to her as Our Lady of Sorrows. All are beautiful titles and ways to honor Mary and can be used by people in different stages of their spiritual journey.

I wanted "a Mary" for my baby. We have asked prayers of Our Lady of Lourdes, Our Lady of Perpetual Help, and the Immaculate Heart of Mary almost daily throughout the past two years. But none of these seemed to be the one that I needed to turn to for my son or daughter. I had very good intentions of researching different titles for Mary in hopes that one would stand out as "the one".

In the beautiful way that God works, however, I didn't have to! That very day I got a comment from JBTC on my post about finding out that we were pregnant:

Oh, I forgot to mention, but May 24th is the Feast of Our Lady, Help of Christians! What a great feast day to find out on!

Sometimes God really does make things that easy! I told her of my desire to find the "right Mary" and she sent me back this link that describes the history of this particular title. I also found a beautiful prayer, written by St. John Bosco, that just felt perfect! Ted and I have been praying this nightly, asking our Lady to watch over our precious gift of God and imploring her to ask our heavenly Father to relieve those still suffering from the tremendous pain of infertility.

Here is the prayer, followed by my commentary on how I'm interpreting it for this particular situation:

Most Holy Virgin Mary, Help of Christians,
how sweet it is to come to your feet
imploring your perpetual help.
If earthly mothers cease not to remember their children,
how can you, the most loving of all mothers forget me?
Grant then to me, I implore you,
your perpetual help in all my necessities,
in every sorrow, and especially in all my temptations.
I ask for your unceasing help for all who are now suffering.
Help the weak, cure the sick, convert sinners.
Grant through your intercessions many vocations to the religious life.
Obtain for us, O Mary, Help of Christians,
that having invoked you on earth we may love and eternally thank you in heaven.

Most Holy Virgin Mary, Help of Christians, (we are, in fact, Christians and she did, in fact, help us!)
how sweet it is to come to your feet
imploring your perpetual help. (we had been asking Our Lady of Perpetual Help for prayers!)
If earthly mothers cease not to remember their children,
how can you, the most loving of all mothers forget me? (how perfect!)
Grant then to me, I implore you,
your perpetual help in all my necessities,
in every sorrow, and especially in all my temptations. (especially the temptation to fear, worry, or doubt)
I ask for your unceasing help for all who are now suffering. (this is when we pray for our IF friends)
Help the weak, cure the sick, convert sinners.
Grant through your intercessions many vocations to the religious life. (this baby was conceived during the Year of the Priest....I'm just sayin')
Obtain for us, O Mary, Help of Christians,
that having invoked you on earth we may love and eternally thank you in heaven. (this is the entire purpose of my blog! to foster a love for Mary!)


Our Lady, Help of Christians-Pray for us.

A Few More Smatterings

Apparently 7 Quick Takes just isn't enough to get everything out of my head and out into blogworld. Here are a few more of those swirling thoughts:

-8-

The twinge is gone. That twinge I felt every single time I heard a song on the radio that mentions having kids or watch a movie that shows a pregnant woman. It used to hurt so badly, not knowing if that would ever be me.  Ted made me a CD once with a Jason Aldean song called "Laugh Until We Cry." That last verse includes the lyrics: "We tried so long we almost gave up hope. I remember you coming in and telling me the news. Oh man, we were livin'. Going crazy in the kitchen. We danced and screamed and held each other tight. We laughed until we cried." It hurt so badly I would skip the song every time. Ted eventually remade the CD without that song on it for me. But now, it's gone. I can't say that it's been replaced with this overwhelming joy and excitement every time I hear lyrics like that. I actually have no reaction at all to them. This is probably what the average person feels when listening to these types of songs. "Oh, that's nice" but no major emotional outburst of any kind. It's nice to have a chance to get off the roller coaster for a while.

-9-

I forgot to mention what my very first reaction was to discovering the pregnancy test was positive. (My second was about time with Ted). About 10 seconds of complete and utter shock ensued, followed by the thought "I can't believe it was that easy".  I almost laughed at myself after I thought that. Now, I know there are two different perspectives on this. Those that have never dealt with infertility probably look at my story and say, "wow-they did so much," but those who are still struggling with IF probably say, "that's hardly a struggle." Either way, it was hard. It was very hard. Two surgeries, hundreds of blood draws, dozens of ultrasounds, tons of different medicine, fighting with insurance companies, forking over insane amounts of money, driving three hours to see our doctor, timing intercourse no matter what kind of mood you're in. No-easy was not the word I would use to describe it. But now that's it's over, I can't believe we didn't have to do more. I can't believe God let us off that easy and answered our prayers so quickly. I actually felt completely unworthy looking at that test. Unworthy of a gift that I haven't worked hard enough to receive. I definitely had a lot of fight left in me. I definitely thought God was going to push me to my breaking point. But He didn't. He blessed us after only two years of trying. I still can't believe it was that easy.

-10-

I wrote a post a while back on cycle day 1 and mentioned this song by David Crowder. It's called "Never Let Go" and I listened to it over and over again to get me through the pain of another failed cycle. Now that we're pregnant, I can't stop listening to it again. I play it in the car over and over and over while I'm driving and sing it at the top of my lungs. When I was hurting I clung to certain lyrics:

You never let go......When hope takes flight.......When hope has flown......You never let go.....In joy and pain, in sun and rain, You're the same, You never let go.

I was losing hope. I needed a reminder that God was never going to let go of me, never abandon me to my hopelessness. He was there in the pain and in the rain. He wasn't going to let go.

And now that my hopes have been realized, I'm listening to the song in a different light. He's there in my joy and in my sun. He's not letting go of me even though my prayers have been answered. He's still there. He's still the same.

As weird as this is, I think I subconsciously thought my prayer life would improve when I got pregnant. As if the reason I found it so hard to pray was that my prayers weren't being answered and I wasn't able to fulfill what I thought was my role in this life. I naively assumed that things would change after receiving this miracle. But you what? Nothing has changed. I still have the exact same struggles with prayer that I did two weeks ago. I can't suddenly spend my entire Adoration hour in perfect union with God thanking Him for the beautiful gift He's given me. It's the same struggle of fighting to stay awake, letting my mind wander off to other things, and trying to stay focused on God. And as I reflect on this now, I realize that's exactly the way it should be.

God is the same. He hasn't changed just because I now have a life inside of me. He's never changed and He never will. I'm the one who needs to change. I'm the one who needs to put more effort into prayer. This little baby may be a miracle, but she isn't a miracle worker. And oddly, I take great comfort in knowing that God's still the same, He's not going to let go of me, and He's here for the joy and sun as much as He was here for the pain and rain. Because He was definitely there for the pain and rain.

Quick Takes (5) Pregnancy Style

This isn't really a typical Quick Takes, more like a random smattering of thoughts that have been swirling around in my head since finding out we're pregnant.  I'm only using the guise of Quick Takes to bring some order to this post :)

-1-

I had a strange reaction almost immediately after discovering that beautiful second line on the pregnancy test. In my overwhelming joy and excitement this thought dashed through my mind: "the days of just you and Ted are over." And if I'm being completely honest, that made me sad. Weird huh? The girl who has desired a family since she was 5 years old, the girl who has done everything in her power to make it happen, the girl who has fervently prayed and asked others to do the same hoping to be blessed with a child was now actually jealous of this little spec of a baby taking time away from her husband?? But I felt it slipping-the relationship that I have grown to love so much and am so comfortable in. It's been just me and Ted for two years and we LOVE it. Although we've been trying for children that entire time, we still relished the alone time we were given and enjoyed every second of it. It was a reaction I NEVER thought I would have and at first I was a little ashamed. I now realize that this speaks nothing of my desire for this child, but is only a testament to the absolute and total love I have for my husband.

-2-

This baby is going to be celebrated. Period. Yes, there are a million things that could wrong between now and the delivery. We might not ever make it that far. This little one's heart could already have stopped beating or could be dangerously growing in my tube at this very moment-but that doesn't matter. We co-created life. We have a child. We're parents. No matter what happens, those statement remain true. Yes, a miscarriage would be absolutely devastating, as far too many of you know. But a miscarriage would not change the fact that I have a little baby in me right now that is calling out for joy and celebration. If this little one dies before he is ever born, it would sadden me to know that when he gets to heaven and looks back on his short little life, he would discover that his mommy and daddy weren't that happy about him being there. That they were guarded and cautious and scared and didn't enjoy EVERY SECOND of his short little life on earth. I am vowing to enjoy every second of this-no matter what!

-3-

You may have noticed that I used "he" in the previous take, but we obviously have no idea what this little poppy seed is yet. And we're not going to find out. (gasps from the crowd I am sure!) Ted is really adamant on this and I'm fine with it. He says that "people spend way too much time planning for things these days and don't know how to just let things happen," And while I think his reasoning is kinda funny, I do think there are some good reasons for keeping the gender unknown. No matter if it's a boy or a girl, I want to have everything in neutrals. We're obviously hoping to have (many) more and it just makes financial sense to spend money on things that will work for every child that may come into our home. Ted is beyond excited to hear those words "it's a _____!" He's so cute.

-4-

I don't like calling a human being "it" so I've been referring to this baby as "he" or "she" interchangeably. Sometimes I use one, sometimes the other. It's just whatever comes out first. But last night at a ladies' night out I actually said the words, "when the kids get here." I stopped myself right away, but it was too late. I think I may have actually put my hand over my mouth in shock, but that didn't stop my friend Angie from pointing it out. Freudian slip perhaps?? We'll know June 14th.

-5-

And I can't continue this post without mentioning my thoughts on multiples. Everyone has seen the ultrasound pictures from our follicle study. Yes, there were three. Yes, they all ruptured. Yes, that means three eggs. Does that mean I'll have triplets? Probably not. Most women on Clomid release more than one egg and over 90% of them only conceive one baby. Our doctor said that even with three eggs our chances of multiples were slim, especially for triplets. The thought of triplets actually terrifies me. Not the part about having three babies to take care of, but the part about having three babies INSIDE OF ME! I will obviously take whatever the good Lord gives, but my size makes me nervous. Those that know me know how small I am. And for those that don't, let's just say that I still shop in the juniors section.....the small end of it.....and okay okay, I still fit into little girls' clothes. Triplets just seem impossible.

-6-

But twins....now that's a different story. I wasn't really thinking about the possibility of twins until receiving so many comments from family, friends, and bloggers. I have actually always wanted twins. Two babies for the "price" of one? Does it get any better?? My mom is a twin. My grandma (dad's side) is a twin. And my grandma's aunt (or something like that) is a twin. That alone makes a person wonder. And then there's Ted's side. His uncles are twins. And if you go back just two more generations there are 11 sets of twins in his family!!! Yes, I said 11. You read that correctly. That brings the grand total to at least 15 sets of twins between the two us in the last three generations. So am I thinking twins are a possibility? You bet ya.

I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes for twins, however. Obviously the miracle of God creating just one life in the womb of a woman who never thought she would conceive is mind blowing. I trust that God will give us exactly what we need. He knows us much better than we know ourselves. Thank the Lord!

-7-

Over the last week and a half there have been many, many times in which I can't believe I'm pregnant. It just won't sink in that God has actually granted our request for children when I doubted for so long that it would ever happen. But I have been so humbled by learning about the power of prayer. I can't think of a single person we told (who knew of our struggles, which included almost everyone) that didn't respond with the words, "I've been praying for you!" We're talking beautiful, holy, God fearing people. That were praying for US! Why did I ever doubt that God would hear their prayers? And then I get stories from friends about how their children were praying for us. One little girl that I used to babysit took it upon herself to email the sisters and brothers at EWTN and ask them to pray for us to conceive. My friend just told me that her four year old daughter has been praying "St. Gerard, pray for Ms. Kaitlin" every night for a YEAR!! Ted's response: "I don't know if I even prayed that well every night for a year!"

I'm just in awe of the power of prayer. And regret that I ever doubted it.

Telling Our Family and Friends

The latest installment of discovering our miracle includes telling our family and friends the great news.  We live 6 hours away from my family (8 from Ted's) so I'd always assumed we'd  have to tell them over the phone. Some of them read this blog and there was NO WAY I was going to keep it from my blogger friends for as long as it took me to tell my family in person.  But, with this particular month, the timing was beyond perfect. The post I wrote last week about going home to attend my cousin's ordination was real (although I admit it did buy me some much needed time). We found out on Monday went home on Wednesday. How perfect is that?

I had my first PIO shot that morning and was starting to limp by the time we got home. My two sisters were home but my parents were still at work. I tried so hard not to let them notice how slow I was moving. I also had to catch myself from saying things to my sister (who is now a nurse) about our appointment that morning. I almost blurted out, "my blood pressure was really good this morning!" (it's usually ridiculously low) and "you can help Ted give me my next shot!" I was just so excited to share the medical side of things with her that the words were coming out before I realized what they would imply.

Thankfully, my mom and dad arrived shortly after. Since both of my sisters had just graduated (one from high school and one from college) we thought it would seem pretty normal for us to give them graduation gifts. I tried to hold it in as long as I could once the entire family was together. I lasted about.....7 seconds.  "Oh, we have graduation gifts for you," I said as if it was a passing thought. I went back to our room and got them. "Open them up at the same time because they're the same thing," I said. My mom stood behind Haley and watched her open hers while my dad sat next to Jackie. Perfect! My dad tends to be pretty impatient sometimes (and by sometimes I mean every second of his life) and I was worried he would get up and walk away before they were finished opening them. But he didn't. He sat and watched. Maybe God made his legs super tired just for me.

This is what my sisters saw when they opened their gifts:

The ultrasound picture is from our follicle study that we had just completed. One (or more) of those little guys became our baby the day after the picture was taken!

When they read the words there just a slight pause for it to sink in. I don't remember who spoke first-it was just a blur of "really??" and "oh my gosh!" Both of my sisters cried. My mom and dad both had tears in their eyes. We all hugged and cheered and referred to each other as Aunt, and Grandma, and Grandpa. It. was. awesome.

I promise I'm the oldest, even though they both look older than me! And I promise we're related, even though they both have blue eyes and blond hair.

Grandpa and Grandma with their new grandparent gifts.

Unfortunately, we had to tell Ted's family over the phone. We had just visited his parents the weekend before and I took a pregnancy test every day hoping that we could tell them in person-but it didn't show up until we got back to Mississippi. We called them all on our way up to Missouri and told them the good news, Ted told his parents by saying, "how does it feel to be a grandma/grandpa?" and asked his sisters how it felt to be an aunt. I wish we could have been there to see their reactions, but I could tell they were all surprised and excited.

Telling our families was even better than I had ever imagined it to be. And I had imagined it many, many times! This will be the first grand baby on both sides of our family, an honor we are truly blessed to have and one I feared would never be realized. Let the spoiling begin!

Telling our friends was just as exciting. We knew that each one of them had been praying for us and hoping for this as much as we were. After the ordination we stood in line to receive our first blessing from the newly ordained Fr. Schumer. Right before we received our blessing, I leaned in and asked him if he would bless our baby. His eyes immediately filled up with tears and he was almost speechless. It was beautiful. "Thank God," he said. We knelt before him and he prayed over us with the most beautiful prayer. I remember him thanking God for answering our prayers, asking Him to keep our baby safe and healthy, and asking Him to give us courage to continue to be an example of a Catholic couple in today's world. Our baby received a blessing from a priest just moments after he was ordained! God is so good!

The THREE of us receiving our first blessing!

I didn't want to tell our other friends until we got outside for fear that some of them might make a scene (ah hem-Lauren!) But as soon as I got a chance I quieted everybody and acted like I was going to propose a place to go eat. Instead I yelled, "we're pregnant!" Just as I thought, Lauren screamed. Everyone else was stunned. Hugs and congratulations followed!

 

Most of the gang just before going outside and announcing our good news.

The rest of the weekend was equally wonderful. We told anyone who would listen about the miracle we were expecting. We took the opportunity to have the baby blessed by some of the priests attending Fr. Schumer's first Mass. It was truly better than I ever thought possible. Praise God!

Our First Appointment

We met with our NaPro doctor just two days after finding out we were pregnant. With God's perfect timing, we were actually going to be driving through his town on our way home that very day. (He's three hours away.) His office is neither Catholic nor NaPro. It's a regular OB/GYN clinic that just happens to have an amazing Catholic doctor within it. I'm not sure what the staff thinks about his methods. Sometimes they give me the impression that they think he's crazy. I was so happy to prove them wrong!

I called to make an appointment on Tuesday, the day after we found out and one day before going to see him. When I told the receptionist my name she said "Oh, let me put you right through Kaitlin!" I felt like a celebrity when I got to skip the infamous leave-a-message-call-you-back-hours-later dance I was so used to. When Susan, our nurse, answered the phone she yelled, "Congratulations!!" It was all too much. I couldn't believe it. She made an appointment for me right away and said she couldn't wait to see me the next day. Later, I even got a text from one of the ultrasound girls congratulating me!

When we got there it was just as I had always wanted it to be. I sat in that waiting room so many times trying to hold back tears from being surrounded by pregnant women. But now, I was one of them! I was there for a wonderful reason, not a sad one!

A nurse that we had only seen once before called us back and hugged and congratulated us. She told us that "everyone here is so excited for you." How crazy is that?  When we saw Susan we hugged her and thanked her for all of her hard work. I couldn't wait to see my doctor.

When we finally saw him I gave him the biggest hug I possibly could. I'm so grateful for him and wanted him to know how much he meant to us. We just has a short appointment (he's not really our OB since we live so far away) but he still took the time to answer all of our questions and explain things to us.

We asked Susan if she would take a picture with us (Has anyone else done this? Or am I the only one this crazy??) She was embarrassed but flattered. Our doctor walked by right as we were taking the picture. I was nervous he would think we were weird for asking, but we didn't even have to. He jumped right in the picture, threw his arms around me and Ted, and smiled for the camera.

I wanted to post the pictures here, but Ted said that was a privacy violation! Just picture a really tall dad, an average sized nurse and doctor, and a super short mom with arms around each other beaming from ear to ear.

Another nurse showed Ted how to do the PIO injections. She did a great job explaining everything. We were very grateful. The shot didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would, but boy was I sore later! I could hardly walk! For my second shot, Ted released the oil MUCH slower than the nurse did and it didn't hurt nearly as much.

On our way out we saw both of our ultrasound girls who had done our follicle study last November. We hugged them and thanked them for all they did. They were beaming with pride.

It was a surreal day. Way better than I ever could have imagined it. Our pregnancy was finally beginning!!

Finding Out

I've got to get this down and out of my head. It's only been a week but I'm already starting to forget the precious little details that brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face. This might be long, but I want to capture every moment. For myself and for my little one to read someday.  Here goes:

May 12: I ovulated! Possibly for the first time ever, which is a crazy thought! Three prefect little follicles. My hopes are sky high! Our timing is perfect, although ovulation pain almost makes that impossible.

May17: 5dpo. Spotting. Just once-but it sends me into shock. I send this email to Sew and JBTC:

spotting, spotting-I just had spotting! I have NEVER EVER EVER EVER had spotting during my luteal phase. I ovulated last Wednesday night-so it's been 5 days since my "possible" ovulation. (read my u/s update if you get a chance) Is that when implantation bleeding would occur?? I have no idea! It was just the tiniest little bit, I kept hoping there would be more but there wasn't. Oh my gosh-I'm trying to not to assume anything. But this is definitely the closest I have ever been to being pregnant. Prayers PLEASE!!!

This is followed by cramps for about an hour. I am just positive that I have conceived. I don't say anything to Ted for fear that I'm wrong. I don't want to get his hopes up.

May 20-22: I start testing at 8, 9, and 10 days past ovulation. All negative. In my head I know it's too soon, but I'm so hopeful I can't help it. Usually by this point in my cycle my boobs are huge, my face is breaking out like crazy, I have lower back pain, and eat more carbs than one would think possible. None of this is happening. Ted actually notices the missing boob symptom. He gets his hopes up but doesn't tell me he's suspecting. Ha!

May 23: I don't test this day but I'm eating like crazy. I had seconds and thirds at lunchtime and then ate again at a bridal shower an hour later. I can't stop putting food in my mouth. Ted notices this too but doesn't say anything.

May 24: I'm rushing to Wal-Mart after work to buy more pregnancy tests. I'm on the phone with my mom and realize that my car is running out of gas. I barely make it off the highway before it dies completely. (No Ann, this wasn't the same time as when I was talking to you. I actually did this twice in as many weeks! Too early to blame that on pregnancy brain??) My great friends Jude and Alisha come to my rescue and put enough gas in my car to make it to a gas station. They were planning on coming over for dinner that night and now I was super short on time to get to the store, get home, and make dinner.

As soon as I get home I sneak into the bathroom and take a test. Ted has no idea and is out in the kitchen cleaning things up. I put it back in the wrapper and clean the bathroom while I wait. I do the usual pregnancy test inner monologue.  "It's negative. It's negative and that's ok. You'll be ok. It's going to be negative. Get ready for the negative." I pull it out of the wrapper and can barely make out the faintest little blue line. But it's definitely there. A positive pregnancy test. I have never seen one before. It's hard to describe the way I felt at that moment. My heart starting beating a million times per minute, my eyes welled up with tears. It literally felt like the room was spinning. I stared at it in disbelief.

You can't really see it, but I promise it's there!

I had always wanted to tell Ted in a sweet, surprising way (and he really wanted this too) but when the time actually came I couldn't hold it in for even a second. I busted out of the bathroom and ran into the kitchen holding the test, but Ted wasn't there. He had gone to check the mail but I didn't know this. I ran outside and started screaming his name. He didn't hear me. I panicked at the thought of the test fading and him never getting to see it (stupid I know-they definitely don't do that). I ran to get the camera and take a picture in case he didn't get back in time. He walked in on me taking a picture of the test. I felt like a little kid getting caught doing something wrong. I hid the camera and test behind my back and just stared at him. I couldn't even get my lips to move and form the words I wanted to say. I was crying and he just stood there, not knowing what to do. He was actually thinking that I was sad because I had just started my period. Finally I got out the words, "I think we're pregnant." His face lit up. "Really?" he said. I showed him the test. He started screaming. I started bawling. We hugged but not for long because he kept throwing his hands in the air and yelling. I buried my face in his chest and just sobbed. I was so overwhelmed.

I knew our friends would be arriving any minute and I wanted to call my doctor. It was after 5:00 so I called his cell phone. When I told him the news his response was "Praise God!!" He told me to get a pen and paper and started rambling off the litany of tests and appointments I needed to start on. He was so happy. It was so awesome talking to him. While I was on the phone Jude, Alisha, and their daughter Joan showed up for dinner. I ran into the bedroom so they wouldn't hear my conversation. They talked with Ted for a few minutes while I finished talking to my doctor. They both thought Ted was acting kind of weird and wondered if he had had something to drink. When I came back into the kitchen they were trying to get Joan to tell me something. I couldn't understand what she was saying (they later told me it was "gas". Very funny!) but I bent down and whispered "baby" in her ear. I told her to say it out loud and she whispered it. "Louder," I said. "Baby!" she yelled! Jude got it right away. "You're going to have a baby?" I couldn't even nod, I just sat there and smiled with tears in my eyes. Every yelled and hugged. Joan ran around the room shooting "yay!" It was surreal.

I immediately went back into Kaitlin mode and said, "I need to start on the spaghetti." "You're not making spaghetti!" Ted yelled, "we're going out to eat!" So we did. We went out to a great restaurant downtown and had a delicious meal. We talked about baby names and nursery furniture and everything I hadn't let myself talk about until then. It was literally a dream come true.

Our first picture as parents!

Jude and Alisha celebrating with us!

Joan, the bearer of good news.

No celebration beer for me!!

We went to bed that night calling each other "mommy" and "daddy". Ted slept with his hand on my belly. We thanked God for answering our prayers and the prayers of so many we know. We were parents. We had a baby. Life had changed forever.

375!!!

My hCG rose from 117 (14dpo) to 375 (17 dpo) in 72 hours! I've been having awful dreams about the number only rising 87% instead of 100% and the doctor telling me my baby wasn't going to make it. But it tripled!!! Praise you Jesus!