Getting to Know Your Mother

I know, I know. You were just hoping I would continue talking about her. Well, all of three people asked me to write about ideas for getting to know their Blessed Mother. So I am assuming all of the internet is dying for my advice as well. So here are a few ideas if you aren't used to the Catholic idea of having a relationship with Mary. Or if you love the idea but haven't actually fostered that relationship you intellectually know is so important.

Theology for Beginners and Birthing from Within. Both required reading in this household. 

Books
Obviously, you can read about her and read about what the Church teaches in regards to her.  A few of my favorites:

Walking With Mary by Edward Sri. This is the most recent one I've read and I just loved it. Very easy to read and full of information. He breaks down tons of passages in Scripture that speak of Mary and goes into detail about what they mean. I learned a lot.

Hail, Holy Queen by Scott Hahn. I read this one several years ago and can't remember a lot of what I learned. (I'm really smart like that.) But I remember loving it. And I even got it signed by Scott Hahn himself. So that made it extra good.

The The Reed of God by Caryll Houselander.  I read this with an online book club and loved, loved, loved it. I think I highlighted more sentences than I left alone. I made notes in the margins that just said, "WOW!!!" Definitely one I should read again.

The New Rosary in Scripture: Biblical Insights for Praying the 20 Mysteries by Edward Sri. Ted read this one, not me. So I can't speak on it other than to say that he liked it. But I'm sure it would be a great place to start if you want to learn more about  how praying the rosary is to really immerse yourself in scripture! Hence the title.

Marian Thoughts by Pope Benedict. A blogger friend sent me this and it's great for a quick quote from our wonderful (former) Holy Father on his wonderful Blessed Mother.

33 Days to Morning Glory by Fr. Michael Gaitley I haven't read this one yet, but it's the tip top of my Amazon wish list. Even before a dustbuster and meatloaf pan. Everyone who has read it has loved it. It's a do-it-yourself Marian retreat that helps prepare you for a Marian consecration. I must, must, must do this.

True Devotion to Mary by St. Louis de Montfort. I saved the best for last. But again, I haven't read this one. I know! It's only thee single greatest and most loved book about Mary ever written. And I haven't read it. I hang my head in shame and admit that, yes, I should change my blog's title. I've tried to read it! Really I have! But I guess I'm just not quite smart enough because a lot of it goes over my head. I do NOT recommend this book if you are just dipping your toes into the water with Mary. You should probably read every other one on the list before coming to this. Unless you're a lot smarter than me. Then go for it.

Images
We have lots of images of Mary around the house. Seeing her on our walls and fridge and in picture frames helps me to think about her on a daily basis and (sometimes) say a little intercessory prayer for her help to get me through the daily trials of motherhood. If the idea of putting up an image of Mary in your home is too much right now, why not try an image of her and Jesus together? This one is my personal favorite.

Just print it offline and stick it on the fridge. It doesn't have to be fancy. Or send me your address and I'll make you one of the million holy cards I have with other images. Try stopping just for a few seconds in the middle of your day and center yourself on the peace and profound love displayed in that image. A vulnerable Baby. A loving Mother. Holding God Himself in her very arms. Think about holding your own babies with the same embrace and trying to love them with the love Mary had for Jesus.

Statues
We have a total of five Mary statues inside our three bedroom home, which makes us seem super Catholic I suppose. All of them have been gifts and I treasure each one. But if the idea of displaying a statue of Mary is too much, too fast, then what about just leaving your nativity scene out even after Christmas has passed? If you're comfortable displaying a statue of Mary holding or adoring the Baby Jesus in December, wouldn't it be ok to keep it out all year round? This beautiful pair sits on our dresser. I promise I'm going to glue Joseph's head back on one of these days.

And no, Catholics do not worship statues.

Media Resources
One thing that Ted and I have really been doing a lot of lately is listening to podcasts. I wish we had more time and energy to read but we just don't right now. That's why it's so nice to be able to listen to Catholic radio in the car or online. We pull up a podcast just before bed and listen to it together if we can manage to keep our eyes open.

Catholic Answers is a really good one. They have a whole section devoted to Mary.

Lighthouse Catholic Media is another awesome resource. They're the ones who put out all the CDs that can be found in the back of a lot of Catholic churches. Check the back or your local church to see if they have the kiosk. They ask for a $3 donation but if you don't have it, you are still welcome to take a CD. I haven't heard a bad one yet. You can buy a CD for just a few dollars. You can also get MP3 versions for even cheaper. Here's the link to all of their talks on Mary.

You can download an awesome Fulton Sheen app on your phone for free and listen to tons of talks from this great teacher of the Faith. There's even a section devoted to Mary to make it easy for you.

Bonnie, a big fan of Sheen, also has a her own short video with lots of simple ideas for developing a relationship with Mary.

Marian Miracles
If you really want to be wowed by Mary, spend some time learning about the miraculous events that have taken place throughout history. The Miracle of the Sun in Fatima is a favorite of many but there are so many more. And when Mary appeared to Juan Diego in 1531, she left behind a most miraculous image of herself.

Good ole Catholic Answers has several radio podcasts you can listen to on the topic of Marian apparitions if you want to know more. I'm sure there are tons of other great resources on this area, but I'm a bit fuzzy here. If anyone knows more please leave them in the comments!

Marian Prayers
Catholics get a lot of flack for their love of scripted prayers. But it's not that we can't talk to God using our own words, it's just that sometimes the words aren't there. Or sometimes someone else said it better than you can. Just as a Protestant might recite the Our Father when other words escape them, Catholics can fall back on any of the numerous prayers written throughout history. And it seems to me that some people who bash Catholics for scripted prayer, fall into the habit of saying their own version of scripted prayer anyway. "Lord we just thank you for this day. Please bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies. Please bless the hands that prepared it. In Jesus name we pray." I'm not making fun, promise. Just pointing out that it's nice to not have to come up with your own words every single time you want to pray. Marian prayers are different from prayers written directly to any member of the Trinity as we are asking her intercession to the Triune God with the words of the prayer.

My personal favorite is the Memorare.

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided.

Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.

I also like to use the words from the Gospel of Luke that Mary herself used to praise God when I'm praying. 

My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord,
my spirit rejoices in God my Savior
for he has looked with favor on his lowly servant.
From this day all generations will call me blessed:
the Almighty has done great things for me,
and holy is his Name.

He has mercy on those who fear him
in every generation.
He has shown the strength of his arm,
he has scattered the proud in their conceit.

He has cast down the mighty from their thrones,
and has lifted up the lowly.
He has filled the hungry with good things,
and the rich he has sent away empty.

He has come to the help of his servant Israel
for he remembered his promise of mercy,
the promise he made to our fathers,
to Abraham and his children forever. 

You can find a bunch more here.

The Many Names of Mary
Having been Catholic my whole life, I've never really thought it odd that there are so many names for Mary. But I can totally understand how, from a non-Catholic perspective, we sound a little crazy. "That's Our Lady of Guadalupe. Oh look at this picture of Our Lady of Sorrows. I just love this statue of Our Lady of Grace." I like this explanation. Or this one. If you haven't found a relationship with Mary to be something that comes easily, try praying the Litany of Mary and seeing if one of her titles jumps out at you. Maybe she can be your Model of Motherhood, your Virgin Most Wise, or your Queen of Peace.



So there you have it. A not-at-all exhaustive list about getting to know your Mama Mary. Please, please, please leave other ideas in the comments! I'd like to put this post on my sidebar in hopes that it could maybe help those struggling with the concept of a Marian devotion and would love to have your input. And if none of this appeals to you, you can always start by just repeating those famous words spoken by the Angel Gabriel, Hail, full of grace....

A Mother's Prayer

I had a very sudden realization tonight while I was praying the rosary with a group of women at a friend's home. We all mentioned our petitions before praying and everyone had such heavy, heavy intentions. Parents with cancer, siblings in car accidents, women considering abortion, and conversion of fallen away family members.

During the rosary I could only think of one thing: Hannah.

Her sweet face was the only image I could keep in my mind. Those other things went on the back-burner while I prayed for my girl. And I felt guilty. Hannah was home with her daddy. Safe. Sleeping. Well fed. She didn't "need" my prayers as much as the other people who had been mentioned.

But then it hit me: There is no one in the world who can pray for Hannah like I can. No one.

I know Ted prays for her. And I know her grandparents and godparents and aunts pray for her. Her godfather (a priest) even offers an occasional Mass for her. So the girl is not lacking in advocates before the Lord.

But none of them can pray for her like I can. And none of them will experience the same amount of failure if they don't pray for her enough. My sole responsibility in life-get her (and Ted) to heaven. Pray her to heaven. Pray for her without ceasing.

We all have callings and charisms to pray for certain intentions and causes that are dear to our heart. But no one is closer to my heart than that little girl. No one needs my prayers more than she does.

I no longer feel guilty for praying "just" for Hannah. I feel guilty for not praying for her enough!

Quick Takes (31) with Prayer Buddy Reveal

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This is the greatest video on youtube. And I promise Hannah is actually requesting to watch it. It's not her mother that sits attentively and chuckles through the entire thing. Promise.

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This is the second greatest video.

-3-

This week Hannah started walking forward in her walker and pulling up on furniture! She's not even eight months old yet! She is no where near close to crawling. I suspect she might walk before she crawls. Just like her mama. I fear this means she'll be uncoordinated and not athletic. Just like her mama.

She can also entertain herself for sometimes 10-15 minutes at a time by taking all the toys of her basket and nibbling each one before throwing it aside. Oh I love her.

-4-

A friend sent me a recipe for almond butter pumpkin bars (thanks Erin!). Dairy free, wheat free, and sugar free. I used peanut butter because I'm cheap. Uh-mazing. I want to cut them into bite sized pieces, put them in ziplock bags, and carry them in my purse. Then when I tell people I can't have dairy or wheat and get a look that says, "oh you poor thing" I can give them a sample of this deliciousness and assure them that I'm just fine.

-5-

Of course I'm gonna share the recipe! Don't worry-I wouldn't hold out of you.

 c Pumpkin
1 c Almond Butter
2 eggs
1 tsp Baking Soda
1 tsp Cinnamon
1⁄4 c honey
1 c Chocolate Chips

Mix together the almond butter and pumpkin until smooth. Add the rest of the ingredients and pour into a greased 8x8 inch baking pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes. The middle should be set when they are done. Cool completely.

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We wore jackets on our walk tonight! Fall weather is just around the corner....

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I had the honor of praying for Jenny of All Things this time for prayer buddies! I've followed Jenny from the beginning and love her upbeat attitude and fun personality. Jenny, I've prayed for you throughout the day whenever you popped into my head. Ted and I prayed for your intentions in our nightly prayers. And I'm super excited about the incredibly awesome gift I have for you. Of course it's not in the mail yet. That would be too punctual for my taste.  Look for it soon!

Have a great weekend! Go Cardinals!

Prayer Buddy Reveal

This Lent, I had the honor of praying for Katie at Persevere in Prayer. I had seen her blog before, but wasn't an active follower. It's been fun sharing her excitement for her pregnancy and praying for her intentions.

Katie-I prayed my favorite prayer, the Memorare, throughout Lent for you and your sweet baby.

Quick Takes (23)

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Friday is a bad day for quick takes. I'm often in a quick takes mood-but can't find time on Fridays. I just want to take a walk, or watch a movie, or sit in the kitchen with Ted.

He's at the library this evening though. And Hannah's in bed. So time for quick takes!

-2-

My office is in a storage closet and people often come in to get things without my seeing them. Thursday I heard someone getting something out of a filing cabinet and it sounded like they were having a hard time finding what they needed. After a few minutes of this person making noise I struck up a conversation. They never responded....

There's an animal in a metal pipe in my office. I thought it was a mouse but it sounds much bigger than that. Maybe a bird? It never tweets. That only leaves a squirrel or a rat. Gross. And maintenance said they weren't going to do anything about it! It was still there today.

Please be dead by Monday and please do not stink up my office.

-3-

This is the only way we can get Hannah to like tummy time.

And it doesn't last long....

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I'm resisting the urge to put a picture of Hannah in every one of the rest of the quick takes. She is just so. stinking. cute.

Just one more.

This is my current background on my computer at work. I stare at her while I'm pumping and picture her saying, "Thanks for the great milk mom!"

-5-

She's really starting to notice the animals hanging from her mobile. We've named them Gary the Giraffe, Milly the Monkey, Ezekiel the Elephant, and Rodney the Frog. Gary's her favorite. When we lay her down on her changing table in the morning she smiles at all the animals and then flirts with Gary.

Maybe she'll marry a tall man like her daddy.

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I've mentioned this before, but if you haven't already, go check out Bonnie's blog. She's taking prayer requests for those struggling with infertility and miscarriage. Her prayer is powerful. God listens to Bonnie!

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Did you know that Susan G. Komen gives money to Planned Parenthood? It's such a touchy subject when someone asks me to donate. I'm sure they do an amazing amount of research for breast cancer-why do they have to screw it up by supporting an organization that performs abortions which, ahem, are linked to breast cancer!

Jamie wrote a great post today and included a good response to those that ask you to donate to Komen. Check it out.

Have a great weekend!

For Pete's Sake

My friend Bonnie has started something beautiful on her blog. She miscarried her first child, Peter Mark, several years ago. Since then, she has felt God calling her to specifically pray for women with fertility issues. I assure you her prayers are powerful. The miracle of her son is proof of it!

It was actually this post of hers that finally pushed me over the edge to start my own blog. I wrote a similar post about supporting those with infertility shortly after I read Bonnie's.

Go HERE to submit a prayer request for yourself or someone you know. Or to just check out the requests of others and pray for those who are struggling with infertility or the loss of a child.

Thanks Bonnie!

Prayers Answered!

Do you remember me asking you to pray for a baby named James? See here. His mom is a friend of a friend (and now a blogger friend of mine). She and thousands of others have prayed ceaselessly to Archbishop Fulton Sheen to heal her son, who went without a heartbeat for 61 minutes after his birth.

You're not gonna believe this. I found out days ago and I'm still having a hard time believing.

James is healed!

Check out the whole story here.

Thank you Lord, for answering our fervent prayers.

My Advent Prayer

Jesus, thank You for Your mother. Make me more like Mary.

Mary, thank you for your Son. Make me more like Jesus.

An Assumption Miracle! (and Prayer Buddy)

Since feeling that first little kick on Monday, I've felt the baby move at least once every day. It's always between the hours of 3:00 and 6:00 pm and usually only lasts about 30 seconds or so.

It's the highlight of my day.

As I read my morning prayers this morning I was reminded of what I was doing four years ago on this very day. On the Feast of the Assumption, August 15, 2006, I had my first surgery with my St. Louis NaPro doctor. Four years ago. I was terrified of what the surgery would reveal. I was sick to my stomach and having breathing complications for 24 hours after the surgery. Ted and I were only dating at the time, but he was by my side for every bit of it (along with my mom!)

I shed so many tears in the weeks leading up to that surgery. I was so scared of what a diagnosis of endometriosis would mean for our future. I trusted my surgeon and myself to the Blessed Mother and asked Mary to intercede for me on this special feast day (which in practice involved me saying probably a hundred Hail Mary's to calm my nerves while I waited for the surgery to begin).

We went to 9:00 am Mass this morning. The Gospel reading was so familiar and so comforting. The Visitation has always been my favorite Mystery of the Rosary, even during our years of infertility. Hearing that reading today, four years after my first surgery, was the most amazing blessing.

Elizabeth tells Mary: For at the moment the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the infant in my womb leaped for joy.

And, to my absolute shock and disbelief, at the moment the sound of those words of the Gospel reached MY ears, the infant in MY womb leaped for joy!

Complete, pure, undeserved JOY!

During the homily I whispered to Ted and told him what had just happened. The look on his face was priceless! I thought to myself, "He could not have looked prouder if his 18 year old son had just told him he was entering the seminary!" That's how much pride was swelling up in his sweet face.

At the end of Mass Ted said to me, "I guess she's gonna be a nun!" Ha! We were both thinking the same thing: we have such a holy baby! We patted ourselves on the back for raising such a pious little unborn child.

As we knelt to pray before leaving Mass, tears welled up in my eyes. Four years ago I was laying on a operating table fearing this day would never come. Not only has it finally arrived, but is has surpassed all my hopes and expectations tenfold!

You just NEVER know what God has in store for you!

********************************************************************

And I'm so honored to announce that my prayer buddy is Stephanie from Praying for a Family! I had never read her blog before, but within an hour of getting my "assignment" I had read every post she'd ever written! I've been praying for her in my evening prayers, at Adoration, and at Mass. I've prayed that she be blessed with the children she so strongly desires, that she have the strength to continue this difficult journey, and for her family (who she has blogged about as needing prayers). God Bless you Stephanie!

Restless

"Our hearts are restless until they rest in You" -St. Augustine.

Has there ever been a truer phrase uttered from the mouth of a saint? My heart is, indeed, restless.

Ted and I celebrated my birthday yesterday. It's not actually until Tuesday, but his stupid annoying LAST work trip forced us to move the celebration. On our way out to the lake for a swim he turned on the CD player in his truck so that I could hear my birthday present-the Audrey Assad CD! As I listened to the songs while hanging out of the window (his truck doesn't have AC and it was 99 degrees outside!) one struck me in particular. She uses the wise words of St. Augustine and sings, "I am restless until I rest in You."

It hit me. I'm restless. Because I'm not resting in Him.

It's been nearly impossible for me to blog about anything these last two weeks. I have no energy, no motivation, nothing to say. I've started about a half dozen posts only to abandon them to go take a nap or waste time on facebook. As I listened to the words of the song, I thought of a line from The Reed of God (the book I'm reading for Lauren's book study). Houselander writes:

Just as no one can have an ordinary child of flesh and blood without there being a union of flesh and blood first, no one can generate spiritual life without first having a union with the Spirit.

And there you have it. I have such a limited union with the Spirit right now that I am completely incapable of generating any kind of spiritual life, on this blog or otherwise.

I've had nearly two months to rest during my summer off. Two months to rest as I complete my first trimester. Rest that should have been rejuvenating, fulfilling, even spiritual.  But have I rested? No. I've been lazy. I've taken lots of naps. But I haven't rested. I haven't taken the time off to immerse myself in God's rest, in His peace. I've wasted the last two months and now it's over. Tomorrow is my first day back to work. I'm sitting here wondering how I'm going to be able to handle it. How I'm going to find the energy, the motivation, the enthusiasm that my job requires of me. When I should be sitting here with excitement and anticipation about the year to come, all of the kids I'm going to help, and the memories that will be made.

And this is NOT just because I'm tired from pregnancy. There is a fundamental difference between being tired and being lazy. And I'm just lazy. I have no strength to accomplish anything because I haven't asked God for His strength. I have no peace about what I've done during the day because I haven't reflected on His peace. And I have no true rest when I lay my head down at night because my heart as been resting in the things of this world, rather than in Him.

I made a new goal for myself-that I will spend at least a few minutes in prayer every morning and every evening by myself. I know, I know-I'm sure everyone who is reading this is thinking, "What?? You don't PRAY" And the answer is-not really. Not like I should. Ted leads us in prayer every night before bed and I try to follow along. I pray before all of my meals and ask pardon for those in purgatory. And sometimes I even go to daily Mass and stick around just long enough to say a St. Michael prayer. But that's about it. No quiet time with God. No reflecting on the triumphs and sins of the past day. No real prayer.

It would have made sense to start this new time of prayer BEFORE my life became hectic with a 40 hour work week! It would have made sense to get into the habit of morning and evening prayer when I actually had TIME to do it! But I didn't do that. So I'm starting today. Better late than never right?

I'm using the morning and and evening prayers that are included in the Magnificat. This morning's was just perfect, as were the readings for Mass. Psalm 62 says, "In God alone is my soul at rest, my help comes from Him...In God alone be at rest my soul, for my hope comes from Him."

My treasures have been stored up in earth. My rest is the false, deceitful rest of this world.

Lord, help me to find true rest in You. Unite my heart to your Spirit, so that I may generate spiritual life.

Our Lady, Help of Christians

Shortly after finding out about our little miracle I had the desire to consecrate this pregnancy to Mary and ask for her help in a very specific way.  This blog is, after all, supposed to be chronicling my journey to be more like her. And although it's always been hard for me to identify with Mary, not being a mother myself, I now have no excuse (as if I ever did).

The Church upholds the Mother of God as someone to honor and look to in times of need. If Jesus is truly our brother, then Mary is truly our mother. And a perfect, loving, grace-filled mother at that. Who better to entrust our precious little one to than Mary? If she was good enough to be the mother of my Lord, she's sure good enough to watch over my baby! The Church has many different titles for Mary, but this is not to be confused as separating her in any way.  The same way that we have different titles for Jesus (Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace, Lamb of God, Good Shepard, etc) we have different titles for Mary. At different points in one's life he may relate better to a particular title (or aspect) of Jesus. I've clung to Jesus as a child and part of the Holy Family during my struggles, for example. Other times, I've clung to the suffering Jesus, the Jesus of the Cross, to get me through the pain and sorrow that was consuming me at that moment. The same can be said for Mary. She has different titles depending on what aspects are being described. When we refer to Mary who appeared to Juan Diego, we call her Our Lady of Guadalupe. When we refer Mary who appeared to St. Bernadette, we call her Our Lady of Lourdes. When we refer to Mary as a the suffering mother of Jesus, who endured more pain than any mother should have to bare, we refer to her as Our Lady of Sorrows. All are beautiful titles and ways to honor Mary and can be used by people in different stages of their spiritual journey.

I wanted "a Mary" for my baby. We have asked prayers of Our Lady of Lourdes, Our Lady of Perpetual Help, and the Immaculate Heart of Mary almost daily throughout the past two years. But none of these seemed to be the one that I needed to turn to for my son or daughter. I had very good intentions of researching different titles for Mary in hopes that one would stand out as "the one".

In the beautiful way that God works, however, I didn't have to! That very day I got a comment from JBTC on my post about finding out that we were pregnant:

Oh, I forgot to mention, but May 24th is the Feast of Our Lady, Help of Christians! What a great feast day to find out on!

Sometimes God really does make things that easy! I told her of my desire to find the "right Mary" and she sent me back this link that describes the history of this particular title. I also found a beautiful prayer, written by St. John Bosco, that just felt perfect! Ted and I have been praying this nightly, asking our Lady to watch over our precious gift of God and imploring her to ask our heavenly Father to relieve those still suffering from the tremendous pain of infertility.

Here is the prayer, followed by my commentary on how I'm interpreting it for this particular situation:

Most Holy Virgin Mary, Help of Christians,
how sweet it is to come to your feet
imploring your perpetual help.
If earthly mothers cease not to remember their children,
how can you, the most loving of all mothers forget me?
Grant then to me, I implore you,
your perpetual help in all my necessities,
in every sorrow, and especially in all my temptations.
I ask for your unceasing help for all who are now suffering.
Help the weak, cure the sick, convert sinners.
Grant through your intercessions many vocations to the religious life.
Obtain for us, O Mary, Help of Christians,
that having invoked you on earth we may love and eternally thank you in heaven.

Most Holy Virgin Mary, Help of Christians, (we are, in fact, Christians and she did, in fact, help us!)
how sweet it is to come to your feet
imploring your perpetual help. (we had been asking Our Lady of Perpetual Help for prayers!)
If earthly mothers cease not to remember their children,
how can you, the most loving of all mothers forget me? (how perfect!)
Grant then to me, I implore you,
your perpetual help in all my necessities,
in every sorrow, and especially in all my temptations. (especially the temptation to fear, worry, or doubt)
I ask for your unceasing help for all who are now suffering. (this is when we pray for our IF friends)
Help the weak, cure the sick, convert sinners.
Grant through your intercessions many vocations to the religious life. (this baby was conceived during the Year of the Priest....I'm just sayin')
Obtain for us, O Mary, Help of Christians,
that having invoked you on earth we may love and eternally thank you in heaven. (this is the entire purpose of my blog! to foster a love for Mary!)


Our Lady, Help of Christians-Pray for us.

A Few More Smatterings

Apparently 7 Quick Takes just isn't enough to get everything out of my head and out into blogworld. Here are a few more of those swirling thoughts:

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The twinge is gone. That twinge I felt every single time I heard a song on the radio that mentions having kids or watch a movie that shows a pregnant woman. It used to hurt so badly, not knowing if that would ever be me.  Ted made me a CD once with a Jason Aldean song called "Laugh Until We Cry." That last verse includes the lyrics: "We tried so long we almost gave up hope. I remember you coming in and telling me the news. Oh man, we were livin'. Going crazy in the kitchen. We danced and screamed and held each other tight. We laughed until we cried." It hurt so badly I would skip the song every time. Ted eventually remade the CD without that song on it for me. But now, it's gone. I can't say that it's been replaced with this overwhelming joy and excitement every time I hear lyrics like that. I actually have no reaction at all to them. This is probably what the average person feels when listening to these types of songs. "Oh, that's nice" but no major emotional outburst of any kind. It's nice to have a chance to get off the roller coaster for a while.

-9-

I forgot to mention what my very first reaction was to discovering the pregnancy test was positive. (My second was about time with Ted). About 10 seconds of complete and utter shock ensued, followed by the thought "I can't believe it was that easy".  I almost laughed at myself after I thought that. Now, I know there are two different perspectives on this. Those that have never dealt with infertility probably look at my story and say, "wow-they did so much," but those who are still struggling with IF probably say, "that's hardly a struggle." Either way, it was hard. It was very hard. Two surgeries, hundreds of blood draws, dozens of ultrasounds, tons of different medicine, fighting with insurance companies, forking over insane amounts of money, driving three hours to see our doctor, timing intercourse no matter what kind of mood you're in. No-easy was not the word I would use to describe it. But now that's it's over, I can't believe we didn't have to do more. I can't believe God let us off that easy and answered our prayers so quickly. I actually felt completely unworthy looking at that test. Unworthy of a gift that I haven't worked hard enough to receive. I definitely had a lot of fight left in me. I definitely thought God was going to push me to my breaking point. But He didn't. He blessed us after only two years of trying. I still can't believe it was that easy.

-10-

I wrote a post a while back on cycle day 1 and mentioned this song by David Crowder. It's called "Never Let Go" and I listened to it over and over again to get me through the pain of another failed cycle. Now that we're pregnant, I can't stop listening to it again. I play it in the car over and over and over while I'm driving and sing it at the top of my lungs. When I was hurting I clung to certain lyrics:

You never let go......When hope takes flight.......When hope has flown......You never let go.....In joy and pain, in sun and rain, You're the same, You never let go.

I was losing hope. I needed a reminder that God was never going to let go of me, never abandon me to my hopelessness. He was there in the pain and in the rain. He wasn't going to let go.

And now that my hopes have been realized, I'm listening to the song in a different light. He's there in my joy and in my sun. He's not letting go of me even though my prayers have been answered. He's still there. He's still the same.

As weird as this is, I think I subconsciously thought my prayer life would improve when I got pregnant. As if the reason I found it so hard to pray was that my prayers weren't being answered and I wasn't able to fulfill what I thought was my role in this life. I naively assumed that things would change after receiving this miracle. But you what? Nothing has changed. I still have the exact same struggles with prayer that I did two weeks ago. I can't suddenly spend my entire Adoration hour in perfect union with God thanking Him for the beautiful gift He's given me. It's the same struggle of fighting to stay awake, letting my mind wander off to other things, and trying to stay focused on God. And as I reflect on this now, I realize that's exactly the way it should be.

God is the same. He hasn't changed just because I now have a life inside of me. He's never changed and He never will. I'm the one who needs to change. I'm the one who needs to put more effort into prayer. This little baby may be a miracle, but she isn't a miracle worker. And oddly, I take great comfort in knowing that God's still the same, He's not going to let go of me, and He's here for the joy and sun as much as He was here for the pain and rain. Because He was definitely there for the pain and rain.

Quick Takes (5) Pregnancy Style

This isn't really a typical Quick Takes, more like a random smattering of thoughts that have been swirling around in my head since finding out we're pregnant.  I'm only using the guise of Quick Takes to bring some order to this post :)

-1-

I had a strange reaction almost immediately after discovering that beautiful second line on the pregnancy test. In my overwhelming joy and excitement this thought dashed through my mind: "the days of just you and Ted are over." And if I'm being completely honest, that made me sad. Weird huh? The girl who has desired a family since she was 5 years old, the girl who has done everything in her power to make it happen, the girl who has fervently prayed and asked others to do the same hoping to be blessed with a child was now actually jealous of this little spec of a baby taking time away from her husband?? But I felt it slipping-the relationship that I have grown to love so much and am so comfortable in. It's been just me and Ted for two years and we LOVE it. Although we've been trying for children that entire time, we still relished the alone time we were given and enjoyed every second of it. It was a reaction I NEVER thought I would have and at first I was a little ashamed. I now realize that this speaks nothing of my desire for this child, but is only a testament to the absolute and total love I have for my husband.

-2-

This baby is going to be celebrated. Period. Yes, there are a million things that could wrong between now and the delivery. We might not ever make it that far. This little one's heart could already have stopped beating or could be dangerously growing in my tube at this very moment-but that doesn't matter. We co-created life. We have a child. We're parents. No matter what happens, those statement remain true. Yes, a miscarriage would be absolutely devastating, as far too many of you know. But a miscarriage would not change the fact that I have a little baby in me right now that is calling out for joy and celebration. If this little one dies before he is ever born, it would sadden me to know that when he gets to heaven and looks back on his short little life, he would discover that his mommy and daddy weren't that happy about him being there. That they were guarded and cautious and scared and didn't enjoy EVERY SECOND of his short little life on earth. I am vowing to enjoy every second of this-no matter what!

-3-

You may have noticed that I used "he" in the previous take, but we obviously have no idea what this little poppy seed is yet. And we're not going to find out. (gasps from the crowd I am sure!) Ted is really adamant on this and I'm fine with it. He says that "people spend way too much time planning for things these days and don't know how to just let things happen," And while I think his reasoning is kinda funny, I do think there are some good reasons for keeping the gender unknown. No matter if it's a boy or a girl, I want to have everything in neutrals. We're obviously hoping to have (many) more and it just makes financial sense to spend money on things that will work for every child that may come into our home. Ted is beyond excited to hear those words "it's a _____!" He's so cute.

-4-

I don't like calling a human being "it" so I've been referring to this baby as "he" or "she" interchangeably. Sometimes I use one, sometimes the other. It's just whatever comes out first. But last night at a ladies' night out I actually said the words, "when the kids get here." I stopped myself right away, but it was too late. I think I may have actually put my hand over my mouth in shock, but that didn't stop my friend Angie from pointing it out. Freudian slip perhaps?? We'll know June 14th.

-5-

And I can't continue this post without mentioning my thoughts on multiples. Everyone has seen the ultrasound pictures from our follicle study. Yes, there were three. Yes, they all ruptured. Yes, that means three eggs. Does that mean I'll have triplets? Probably not. Most women on Clomid release more than one egg and over 90% of them only conceive one baby. Our doctor said that even with three eggs our chances of multiples were slim, especially for triplets. The thought of triplets actually terrifies me. Not the part about having three babies to take care of, but the part about having three babies INSIDE OF ME! I will obviously take whatever the good Lord gives, but my size makes me nervous. Those that know me know how small I am. And for those that don't, let's just say that I still shop in the juniors section.....the small end of it.....and okay okay, I still fit into little girls' clothes. Triplets just seem impossible.

-6-

But twins....now that's a different story. I wasn't really thinking about the possibility of twins until receiving so many comments from family, friends, and bloggers. I have actually always wanted twins. Two babies for the "price" of one? Does it get any better?? My mom is a twin. My grandma (dad's side) is a twin. And my grandma's aunt (or something like that) is a twin. That alone makes a person wonder. And then there's Ted's side. His uncles are twins. And if you go back just two more generations there are 11 sets of twins in his family!!! Yes, I said 11. You read that correctly. That brings the grand total to at least 15 sets of twins between the two us in the last three generations. So am I thinking twins are a possibility? You bet ya.

I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes for twins, however. Obviously the miracle of God creating just one life in the womb of a woman who never thought she would conceive is mind blowing. I trust that God will give us exactly what we need. He knows us much better than we know ourselves. Thank the Lord!

-7-

Over the last week and a half there have been many, many times in which I can't believe I'm pregnant. It just won't sink in that God has actually granted our request for children when I doubted for so long that it would ever happen. But I have been so humbled by learning about the power of prayer. I can't think of a single person we told (who knew of our struggles, which included almost everyone) that didn't respond with the words, "I've been praying for you!" We're talking beautiful, holy, God fearing people. That were praying for US! Why did I ever doubt that God would hear their prayers? And then I get stories from friends about how their children were praying for us. One little girl that I used to babysit took it upon herself to email the sisters and brothers at EWTN and ask them to pray for us to conceive. My friend just told me that her four year old daughter has been praying "St. Gerard, pray for Ms. Kaitlin" every night for a YEAR!! Ted's response: "I don't know if I even prayed that well every night for a year!"

I'm just in awe of the power of prayer. And regret that I ever doubted it.

Take, Lord, and Receive

Tomorrow is the last day of our St. Ignatius retreat at our church. The first half of the retreat was unbelieveable (see this, this, and this). I admit though, I didn't do so hot with the second half. I definitely let myself slack off during Holy Week (of all weeks!) and haven't done a single holy hour this week. I did however, manage to squeeze one last drop of "fruit" out of the retreat, which has taught me so much since beginning so many weeks ago.

At the end of the retreat, St. Ignatius invites us to do a meditation called Contemplation to Attain Love of God. I went through it briefly tonight and was so excited by what I saw.

Seven or eight years ago I happened upon a prayer in the back of the missal/hymnal at church. I'm the kind of person that reads everything in sight. Cereal boxes, billboards, you name it. I was probably at church waiting for Mass to begin and trying to occupy my mind. I read a prayer by St. Ignatius, that was amidst all of the other prayers listed in the back of this book. I loved the prayer immediately. I remember trying to say it in my head over and over again to commit it to memory. I wasn't at my usual church for that Mass and the missal they used was different than the one at my own parish. I knew this prayer wasn't listed in our missal (because I read the whole thing through five times already!) By the time Mass was over, I had completely forgotten about the prayer.

Many times over the course of the next several years I would stumble upon that same prayer in the back of that same missal at various churches I visited. I always tried to memorize it and never succeeded. I remember always wishing I had something to write on so I could copy the prayer and try to learn it. Once I scribbled it on the back of my checkbook, but forgot about it later and threw it out when I switched banks. I googled it a few times, but could never remember enough of it to find it online. It was the ever alluding prayer.

The reason I liked the prayer so much was that it encompassed everything that needed to be prayed. Giving God everything. Accepting what He has in store. That's really all that is needed. That wasn't that difficult of a thing to do at the time I was in search of that alluding prayer, but now.....

I'm sure you've picked up on the fact that that very same prayer was the prayer at the end of the Ignatius retreat. I finally have it in my possession. God's hand is very clear in this. I was attracted to the prayer initially, but not quite ready to pray it. Although I wanted to pray it and mean it, it would have been a big stretch from my actual relationship with God at that time. I'm not saying I'm there now (at the point of giving everything I have and receiving whatever He gives) but I'm closer. Especially with the knowledge and graces that have come from doing this retreat. I needed to learn more, discover more about myself, God, and accepting His will before I could truly pray this prayer and mean it.

If nothing else, I think this is a clear sign that I need to be praying this prayer! Only good can come from giving God everything I have, including my infertility. Only good can come from accepting everything He has in store, even if that's a barren womb for all eternity. Lord, help me to pray this prayer and mean it!

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O Lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and Thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.

More To Offer

Remember in a post a few weeks ago I mentioned that I was really getting a lot accomplished in prayer? And that I knew it wouldn't last forever so I needed to take advantage of it? Well, I was right. It didn't last forever. And it's 100% my fault. I've been very neglectful of my holy hours and have let prayer fall to the back burner as we get closer and closer to Palm Sunday. Despite my laziness, however, God has still tried to talk to me.

Thursday night I finally sat down and forced myself to spend some time in prayer. I decided to read a little more of Come Be My Light: The Private Writing of Mother Teresa. This book really is amazing-it paints such a beautiful picture of who Mother Teresa really was. Right now, I'm reading about her strong and clear calling to found a new religious order and the obstacles she faced in making it a reality. The archbishop was very, very slow in granting her permission to found the Missionaries of Charity. You can just see her desire to found this order jumping off of the pages. You can feel her disappointment when she gets yet another letter announcing that she's not yet able to say 'yes' to her call. By this point, I'm getting kind of angry with the archbishop. "Don't you know who you're dealing with!" I want to say. But Mother Teresa is ever patient, giving all of her desires and disappointments completely to Jesus. Using them to unite herself closer to Him.

I went bed with one question on my mind: Why would God call her to found this order and give her the overwhelming desire to work with the poor of Calcutta if He wasn't going allow it to actually happen? (and yes, I know she eventually does get what she desires-but I'm not that far in the book yet.) Why would God give her such a strong calling and desire if it wasn't possible to be fulfilled? As I plopped my head down on my pillow I threw up a question to God. "Why did You allow her to have those desires God? Why did You call her to do something that she didn't have the power to actually do?" The answer came immediately and was crystal clear. "So that she would have more to offer back to Me."

I have often wondered why God gave me the desire for motherhood from such an early age if He wasn't going to bless me with children. I dare say that I've desired children and a large family more than almost any friend I've known throughout my life. Or at least it feels that way. With all my being I truly feel "called" to be a mother. Friends would always make comments about how I would be the first one to have kids and definitely have the most. When a friend of mine (that was married after us) became pregnant, some of our friends said, "wow-I thought you'd be first Kaitlin!" (little did they know we had already been trying for months). My desire for children is strong and real. It consumes me at times. It's been present from as far back as I can possibly remember. And until now, I've never understood why God would allow me to have such a burning desire that may not ever be fulfilled.

Mother Teresa gave her desire to Jesus. She offered her calling completely to Him. And because of this, she gave Him a bigger gift than those who don't have such a strong desire and calling. She had a lot to give back to Him because she had a lot of disappointment. If my desires for children weren't as strong as they are, my offering wouldn't be quite as beautiful. And just as Mother Teresa's desires were fulfilled in her eventual founding of the Missionaries of Charity, I pray that my desires for motherhood will also, one day, be granted.

But until then, I'll just be grateful I have more to offer back to Him.

Let Down the Nets

The Gospel reading for Mass this Sunday was from the 5th Chapter of Luke, the story of Simon Peter becoming an apostle. Quick summary: Jesus asks Simon to take him on his boat and drop the fishing nets off the side. Simon, who had been fishing all night with no luck, says to Jesus "Master, we worked hard all night and caught nothing, but I will do as you say and let down the nets." Lo and behold-tons of fish!

Ted and I read this last night before going to bed. After he read it, I thought to myself "that's a nice passage," but Ted saw a deeper meaning (as he usually does-and not just when they're about fish) and related the story to our situation. Praise God for such a holy husband! Sometimes we feel like Simon Peter, fed up with Jesus' requests that we keep trying, keep going forward. Sometimes we just want to yell, "Master, we worked hard ALL YEAR and have NOTHING to show for it!" But Jesus replies, "Just go visit with this doctor.Trust me-have the surgery. Try this new medicine. I'll take care of the bills-don't worry." To which we respond, with the help of Our Mother, "We will do as YOU say and let down the nets."

Lord, I don't understand why you're making us wait. And I don't like not knowing what the future holds. I'm scared and a little angry and very confused. But I will let down my net. I will trust you to fill it. And I realize that you might not fill it with the things that I desire, but you will fill it with the things that I need. Master, give me the strength of Simon Peter. Give me the courage to trust you with all my heart. Amen.

Ora Pro Nobis

"What a cloud of innumerable witnesses surround us! So then, let us rid ourselves of everything that gets in the way, and of the sin which holds on to us so tightly, and let us run with determination the race that lies before us. Let us keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from beginning to end." (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Saints are one of my favorite aspects of the Catholic Church. We have thousands upon thousands of holy souls surrounding the throne of heaven praying for us and interceding for us-who are we to deserve this immense blessing? Some people may not understand the benefit of the Saints and some may even feel that they detract from our relationship with Jesus, but I think the previous bible passage says otherwise. The Saints are our friends that left the earth before we got a chance to meet them. Some were married, some were priests, sisters, or bishops, and some were even children. And many, many of them died tragic and brutal deaths for refusing to take their eyes off Jesus. They lived lives of great virtue, courage, and faith. And just like we honor and look up great Americans like Martin Luther King Jr. and Abraham Lincoln for their contribution to our country, we honor and look up to the Saints for their contribution to world.

The Church has a very specific process for proclaiming someone a Saint. We have "Patron Saints" for particular needs, countries, types of people, etc. If a Saint was involved in a certain ministry during their life (St. Gerard, for example, is known for his help of pregnant women in need) the Church will present this Saint to the faithful as someone to seek prayers from for a particular intention (such as a health pregnancy). We do the same thing when we "talk" to loved ones who have gone before us and ask them to help us through our day. A stay-at-home mom at her wit's end may offer up this request to her own mother who is now in heaven, "Mom-how did you do it? Just help me get through this day!" or if your son or husband is going out hunting you might ask your deceased grandpa (who loved to hunt) to keep him safe. I truly believe that death is not a barrier to meaningful interaction between those in heaven and on earth. We ask our friends on earth to pray for our intentions, why not also ask our friends in heaven to do the same. They're closer to Jesus than our earthly friends will ever be (this side of heaven of course). And Mary was closer to Jesus while on earth than any human being ever! He lived inside of her and nursed at her breast! She was there as He died on the cross and held Him in her arms before He was placed in the tomb. Surely Jesus will listen to the prayers of His mother-we need only ask! (I think I just understood, through my own explanation, why Mary is called the Queen of All Saints!)

Kimberly Hahn (a convert and wonderful speaker and writer) described the Saints in this way (and I probably won't due this justice): It's like we're all in a GIANT arena running a race of utmost importance. We're running "with determination" to Jesus and our prize is heaven. Surrounding us in the stands are all of the men and women who have gone before us and received their prize, our "cloud of innumerable witnesses" who kept their "eyes fixed on Jesus" while they walked on the earth. And they're cheering us on and encouraging us to keep going. And when we want to give up and when we feel overwhelmed, we need only look up at the stands and listen to the heavenly roar of those praying for us to find a path that can "rid ourselves of everything that gets in the way" of keeping "our eyes fixed on Jesus". Praise God for these holy cheerleaders!

I want to share the litany that Ted and I pray nightly for the blessing of a child and for our other intentions. If you don't already, I encourage you to find a few "cheerleaders" of your own to help you in your race towards Jesus.

Sts. Joachim and Anne (Mary's parents-Anne is Patron Saint of Christian mothers and women in labor)
Sts. Zechariah and Elizabeth (Parents of St. John the Baptist, barren for many years before conceiving St. John. Luke 1:5-25)
Bl. Louis and Zelie (Parents of St. Therese-we really like Saints who had lots of kids!)
Sts. Sarah and Abraham (Sarah was barren and eventually blessed with Isaac. Genesis 16-17)
St. Peter (Given the keys to the kingdom-he MUST have some praying power! Matthew 6:19)
St. Paul (Ted's grandpa's name and writer of most of my favorite books in the Bible)
St. Andrew (Someone told us he was known for helping infertile couples, and he's a fisherman)
St. Padre Pio (Awesome Saint who was more recently canonized)
Bl. Mother Teresa (Almost a Saint! She spent so much time helping children without parents. I feel like I really know her, I've loved her since I was in second grade (she died when I was in fourth). I am so grateful that she walked on the planet during my lifetime.)
Terri Schiavo (Not yet a Saint but probably in heaven. We ask for her intercession in the fight against euthanasia and the culture of death.)
St. Philomena (Patron Saint of those who can't get pregnant! Thanks Sarah!)
St. Ulrich (Also known for helping women get pregnant! Thanks J.B.)
St. Gemma (Beautiful, lesser known Saint who I really like)
St. Gianna (One of my favorites. She died because she refused to abort her child-incredible. And her face reminds me of my Grandma Rose.)
St. Gerard (Patron Saint of pregnant women)
St. Catherine of Sienna (The Saint who I've chosen as my Patron-there's not a St. Kaitlin...yet;)
St. Martin of Tours (Ted's Confirmation Saint)
St. Rose of Lima (My Confirmation Saint and Grandma's name)
St. Therese the Little Flower (A favorite of mine-her writings are so inspired and so simple)
St. Teresa of Avila (Another favorite-she's a reformed sinner so I can relate)
St. Theresa Benedicta (A Jewish convert who died in an Auschwitz concentration camp-her feast day is me and Ted's anniversary-August 9th)
St. Joseph (Jesus' earthly dad, Patron Saint of fathers and Christian families, Ted's middle name)
St. Joseph Cupertino (Patron Saint of students-not me anymore :) just Ted)
Our Lady of Lourdes (Appeared to St. Bernadette in Lourdes, France. Water from the groto-which we have!-is said to have played a role in many miraculous healings.)
Our Lady of Perpetual Help (One of many titles for Mary-and we definitely want her help!)

I'll end this ridiculously long post with a link to a song that I read about on Conversion Diary. I really like Matt Mahar-an awesome Catholic artist! The only you-tube version I could find it in Spanish-just the text, not the audio. Enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG75daBWPdQ

All you holy men and women, Ora Pro Nobis (Pray for us!)

Oh, and Geaux Saints! Beat dem Colts!