Quick Takes

 

-1-

My big girl turned two years old yesterday. It was an absolutely amazing day and I teared up at least a dozen times. I have a post in draft capturing the sweet details that I don't want to forget. Let's just say that her present was epic and we are the best parents ever. The Chik-fil-a was delicious. And hearing her dance around the house saying, "Happy Hannah Birthday!" will never get old.

Two years old and almost a big sister.

-2-

Baby is head down but sunny side up right now. I know that's not the end of the world, but I'd like to avoid the extra pain and hassle that comes with a sunny little babe. Especially after reading this birth story this morning. The tricks I've been trying haven't worked yet, so I decided to see a chiropractor yesterday in hopes that little guy/gal will rotate.

Oh my.

I've never been to the chiropractor and had no idea what to expect. I thought it would be similar to a relaxing massage. So instead when I was man-handled for about 50 seconds and told I was finished, I was a bit shocked. But wow did it feel good! By the time I got home, I didn't even feel pregnant. Not sure if it's worked yet-we are still trying everything we know at home. I wish I could go back twice a week like the doctor suggested-but goodness that's a lot of money.

I always heard that you'll get addicted to the chiro once you start. Now I understand why! I would give up chocolate, coffee, facebook-anything! If it meant I could regularly feel this good.

-3-

A dear friend and one of my favorite bloggers got some super exciting news yesterday! After being told at an early ultrasound that she was definitely pregnant with only one baby-the gender reveal ultrasound definitely showed TWO! Her husband's flight was delayed and he missed the appointment. I can't imagine her shock when those two heads flashed up on the screen. And then having to wait several hours to tell him??? What a crazy day for her. I'm so excited for her-she's such a great mom.

-4-

And even though I'm head over heels happy for her, it doesn't take away the sting of remembering that that should be us. I miss the baby that we won't meet until heaven. I'm sad that his or her little life won't be celebrated and remembered the way that other twins are celebrated. Maybe it's hitting me harder as we approach our due date. I should be pushing two babies out. We should be the parents of three children. I'm beyond grateful for the little life within me-but I'm sad I won't get to meet his/her sibling in a few weeks as well.

-5-

Um, Lent starts in a few days. What the heck? It is really sneaking up on me. I asked Ted what he thought we should "do" for Lent and he said "have a baby." A fine idea. But I better come up with something else too. I'm thinking about trying to do a daily rosary. I have never been able to stick to that. Am I absolutely insane for thinking I could do it while welcoming a newborn? Lots of hours awake at night nursing right?

-6-

I've been listening to this song a lot the last few days. Trying to remain calm and focused on Our Lady and Jesus in the days/weeks leading up to another life changing birth of a child. So beautiful. My patron saint for 2013 is Mary, Queen of Peace (yet another post in draft) and this song is about as peaceful as it gets.

-7-

I'm making beans and rice with a ham hock for dinner tonight. I make beans and rice all the time but I've never used a ham hock. It's from the pig we got last Spring and I'm just now getting around to using it. I consulted a few recipes online-but for the most part-I'm just making it up as I go along. I do this all the time and 95% of the time-it turns out great. Then I pat myself on the back and tell myself what a good chef I am. And when I fail miserably I cuss the recipes. Yes-the ones that I didn't listen to.

It's simmering on the stove now. We shall see!

-Bonus-

I can't help myself.

Thoughts for Three Hundred

I was told by a friend today that this little blog has over 300 subscribers on Google Reader. Wait. What??? Three hundred? I currently have 156 followers and I thought that was a TON. I'm not sure what to make of this new information. Feeling very honored and humbled that 300 people actually care about what I have to say. Feeling like I better come up with something a little more insightful to keep 300 people caring about what I have to say. Feeling like I'd really rather just write whatever comes out of my mind and not care at all about what 300 people think.

This post is going to be the latter :)

How is Lent going for you? Mine is good so far. Carving out some daily time with my Bible. Practicing self-denial. Haven't made it to Adoration or Stations of the Cross yet. That's the goal for next week!

Some friends of ours from college stayed with us last night on their way back to Missouri after going to Disneyworld. They were married the same summer as Ted and I and now have two beautiful children. I actually grew up with Jen, she's my second cousin and we went to the same school growing up. We met her husband in college. I've met so many wonderful friends here in Florida. Amazing, strong, Catholic woman. And I have very dear friends back in Mississippi that I miss terribly. But there's just something comforting about hanging out with someone who really knows you. She knows my parents, my siblings, what my house looks like, everything about my high school and hometown. We used to play Game Show Host in her basement and go to Youth Group together. After living away from home for so long and having friends who know nothing about my childhood, it was really nice to spend an evening with her. So familiar. Being 12 hours from home, I think I needed that.

I'm continually being surprised by God at how incredibly Catholic this town is. I've met more awesome Catholic women in the last month than I knew in the three years we were in Mississippi. The resources here for Catholic families are just awesome. It's becoming very clear why God picked us up and moved us to Florida. I think he knew we needed a little kick in the pants and some really, really good examples of holy family life.

Hannah only woke up once last night. Once. Did you hear me? Once!

I had coffee with some of those awesome Catholic women tonight. My white chocolate latte made with almond milk was delicious. But I forgot to ask for de-caff. So I'm blogging until I get tired........

Speaking of almond milk-still dairy free. We've done some testing with bad results. If I eat a slice of cheese-eczema. Butter in some cake? Eczema. Raw goat's milk yogurt-even worse. Poor baby.

Ground beef costs over four dollars a pound here. Am I the only one who finds that absolutely unacceptable? Surely, out of 300 people, someone will give me an Amen on that one.

Prayer Buddy Reveal

This Lent, I had the honor of praying for Katie at Persevere in Prayer. I had seen her blog before, but wasn't an active follower. It's been fun sharing her excitement for her pregnancy and praying for her intentions.

Katie-I prayed my favorite prayer, the Memorare, throughout Lent for you and your sweet baby.

A Blue Devil Blog Post

With opening day of Cardinal baseball and the NCAA basketball championship game tonight, my husband is beyond excited. Duke has been his favorite team since he was in high school and he was pumped all day knowing he would get to come home and watch the game tonight. I sat down on the couch next to him, donning my Duke jersey, ate my cherry pie and ice cream, and felt like.......talking.

Sensing his immediate frustration, I asked if he cared if I blogged while he watched the game. "It'll keep me from talking through the whole thing," I said. "Blog away!" he replied!

So I'm blogging. I'm not sure what this post is going to be about-we'll just see where it goes.

Hope
What could have been a pregnancy announcement on Easter Sunday turned into period pains on Holy Thursday. I had A LOT of hope for this cycle. As I've mentioned in a previous post, I can usually feel my period coming days ahead of schedule. Not this time. Twelve days post peak and NOTHING. I was almost sure I was pregnant for this fact alone. Then it hit. Thursday around 2:00 just as I was sitting down to do therapy with one of my four year olds. I started within 10 minutes. This is the first time this has EVER happened. My hope faded quickly this month. Vanished instantly is more accurate. 

This song got me through the let-down this month. Listen for the word "hope". It appears three times. The first time "hope" takes flight. The second, "hope" had flown. And the third and final time, "hope" fills the soul. Is that the story of my cycle or what? Hope begins to take flight with that first little cramp. By the time I start my period, hope has completely flown. But just two or three weeks later, hope is filling my soul once again. Another cycle. Another chance. Another opportunity for hope to be realized.

Hope-never let go.

Easter
Our Triduum (Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and Holy Saturday) and Easter were beautiful. It was our first time celebrating Jesus' Death and Resurrection at our new parish in Mississippi and we were blown away. The awe and reverence in the celebrations were evident. The end of the Good Friday service was especially powerful for me. The service was held in the evening (not sure why) and at the end they turned out all the lights and left us in total darkness. I closed my eyes in prayer and thought, "I wish they had a light shining on just the crucifix" (which is brand new and beautiful!). When I opened my eyes I saw exactly that, only the light was red-even better. It gave me such a sense of the sacrifice Christ made for me. I tried to pour my heart out to Him. I'm never that good at it-but I tried. I told Him that I wanted His will. Or at least that I wanted to want His will. I asked him to strengthen me for whatever He had in store.

By Easter I was truly ready to celebrate! I had done a better job this year reserving my celebration for the actual day of Easter and tried to keep a "Lenten" attitude up until Sunday morning. On Sunday, Ted and I went to Mass and I sang Alleluia with my whole heart! There were tears, yes. There have been a lot of tears this week. But I was still joyful. If Easter teaches us anything, it's that suffering has a redemptive purpose. And despite my tears, that's a reason for rejoicing.

Cardinals Update
I just asked my husband what I should blog about (it's halftime). His immediate response: "Blog about Albert Pujols' two home runs on opening day! What good is your blog if you don't give a Cardinal's update!" Ha! And although I have no desire to make my blog about giving Cardinal's updates, I will give a shout out to the world's greatest baseball team.

So here's to St. Louis-home to Archbishop Raymond Burke for four wonderful years, one of the best seminaries in the US, the Arch, our wedding night getaway, many of our wonderful friends and family back home, beautiful trees and gorgeous road side cliffs, and of course....Albert Pujols.

A Needed Break for Holy Week

Like so many others, I too will be signing off for Holy Week. I think it'll be good for me. I've only been blogging for two months but I'm already pretty addicted. The break is needed and hopefully will help me concentrate on Christ's Passion and Resurrection.

I'll be reflecting on this during Holy Week. This skit brings me to tears and gives me goosebumps every time I watch it. Let us all remember, as we approach Good Friday, that our Lord bares the brunt of our pain. If it wasn't for His strength and compassion, we would all be swallowed whole by the evil of the world. I thank God that my life has never come to the point of the girl's in the skit and I pray for all those who have experienced this kind of pain. As the song says, "how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?" I hope you all have an Easter that truly moves you closer to the love that Christ has for you.

See you after Easter!

More To Offer

Remember in a post a few weeks ago I mentioned that I was really getting a lot accomplished in prayer? And that I knew it wouldn't last forever so I needed to take advantage of it? Well, I was right. It didn't last forever. And it's 100% my fault. I've been very neglectful of my holy hours and have let prayer fall to the back burner as we get closer and closer to Palm Sunday. Despite my laziness, however, God has still tried to talk to me.

Thursday night I finally sat down and forced myself to spend some time in prayer. I decided to read a little more of Come Be My Light: The Private Writing of Mother Teresa. This book really is amazing-it paints such a beautiful picture of who Mother Teresa really was. Right now, I'm reading about her strong and clear calling to found a new religious order and the obstacles she faced in making it a reality. The archbishop was very, very slow in granting her permission to found the Missionaries of Charity. You can just see her desire to found this order jumping off of the pages. You can feel her disappointment when she gets yet another letter announcing that she's not yet able to say 'yes' to her call. By this point, I'm getting kind of angry with the archbishop. "Don't you know who you're dealing with!" I want to say. But Mother Teresa is ever patient, giving all of her desires and disappointments completely to Jesus. Using them to unite herself closer to Him.

I went bed with one question on my mind: Why would God call her to found this order and give her the overwhelming desire to work with the poor of Calcutta if He wasn't going allow it to actually happen? (and yes, I know she eventually does get what she desires-but I'm not that far in the book yet.) Why would God give her such a strong calling and desire if it wasn't possible to be fulfilled? As I plopped my head down on my pillow I threw up a question to God. "Why did You allow her to have those desires God? Why did You call her to do something that she didn't have the power to actually do?" The answer came immediately and was crystal clear. "So that she would have more to offer back to Me."

I have often wondered why God gave me the desire for motherhood from such an early age if He wasn't going to bless me with children. I dare say that I've desired children and a large family more than almost any friend I've known throughout my life. Or at least it feels that way. With all my being I truly feel "called" to be a mother. Friends would always make comments about how I would be the first one to have kids and definitely have the most. When a friend of mine (that was married after us) became pregnant, some of our friends said, "wow-I thought you'd be first Kaitlin!" (little did they know we had already been trying for months). My desire for children is strong and real. It consumes me at times. It's been present from as far back as I can possibly remember. And until now, I've never understood why God would allow me to have such a burning desire that may not ever be fulfilled.

Mother Teresa gave her desire to Jesus. She offered her calling completely to Him. And because of this, she gave Him a bigger gift than those who don't have such a strong desire and calling. She had a lot to give back to Him because she had a lot of disappointment. If my desires for children weren't as strong as they are, my offering wouldn't be quite as beautiful. And just as Mother Teresa's desires were fulfilled in her eventual founding of the Missionaries of Charity, I pray that my desires for motherhood will also, one day, be granted.

But until then, I'll just be grateful I have more to offer back to Him.

Detaching from Motherhood

I'm about halfway through the Lenten/St. Ignatius retreat and I'm at a point when I'm wondering how I ever made ANY kind of spiritual progress before I read this stuff! This is life changing! At no other time in my life have things molded and conformed together the way things have been lately. With Fr. John leading the retreat, his homilies have been more than applicable lately. His preaching has been so aligned with the focus of the retreat that Mass has become part of the retreat itself! Our best friends here in Mississippi are doing it also, and it helps so much to have conversations about the lessons and how they apply to our lives. Even the music minister at church is on the retreat and it seems that even the songs at Mass are corresponding to the perfectly planned meditations written by St. Ignatius so many years ago. God is so good!

The focus of the retreat lately has been shifting to our attachments and the need to rid ourselves of them. St. Ignatius presents attachments as anything that keeps us from living the life that God has planned for us. The primary example in the exercises is the attachment to money. At first, I had a hard time relating to this. It's pretty easy to be free from the attachment to money when you don't have any! After some reflection, my attachment became pretty clear. I'm attached to motherhood.

At first I wrote this off as something that's acceptable to be attached to, even honorable perhaps. I made a vow at the alter on my wedding day to "accept children lovingly from God and bring them up in the faith". I took that vow very seriously. When I said "we will" to that vow, the only tears of the entire day welled up in my eyes and barely kept from falling down my overly made-up cheeks. It is an honorable thing to desire to have a child. For 99% of the population, this is what God desires also. But it may not be that way for us. His will might not include us getting pregnant.

I still wasn't satisfied with this though. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was supposed to "detach" myself from my desires to be a mother. I truly believe that this desire is from God, as it's been on my heart since I was a little girl. There are certain aspects of the desire, however, that are not of God and do not correspond with his plan. When I walk through the aisles of Wal-Mart and stop to pick out a car seat, waste time at work by daydreaming about maternity leave, or imagine the fuss people will make over me if we ever do get pregnant-I'm not honoring God. I'm attaching myself to the "glamorous" life of a mother. These things are not evil, or even sinful. I realize that. But they don't lead me closer to God and his plan for my life. I can be just as attached to my desires to paint the spare bedroom blue, shop for the cutest outfits, and do all the things that only mommies get to do as someone attached to their thousands of hard-earned dollars.

This ultimately led me to the difficult question of "why do I REALLY want to have a baby?" Do I want a baby because I desire to truly give up my own will for that of another person? Because I want to love someone that way only a mother can? Because I want to become less selfish and more giving? Because I want to raise a child up for the service of God and lead them to holiness the best way I know how? Or is it because I want a super cute family picture to put on our Christmas cards? Because I want to feel included when women talk about their pregnancies and births? Because I don't want to be left out when all of our friends grow closer over the common bond of their children?

If I'm completely honest with myself, I want a baby for all of those reasons. There is a true and pure desire in me for children because of the blessing that they are to God and his kingdom. But there is also a worldly and materialistic desire to fit in with the rest of society and tout all of my "knowledge" of all things baby. This second desire is natural, of course. But it's not Godly. It doesn't bring me closer to fulfilling his plan for my life and it only makes the pain of a negative pregnancy test that much worse.

I know I need to rid myself of the worldly desires I have for a child. I can't grow in holiness if I'm clinging to thought of a "perfect" little family. How I'm going to do that, I'm not exactly sure. Prayers for the graces, obviously. Maybe we need to try to keep from talking so much about our non-existent children of the future. Maybe I need to take a break from reading up on parenting tips and motherhood. As I said before, these things aren't bad, but they definitely aren't helping. Anyone else have any suggestions??

The Sacrifice of Mary and Joseph

I thought I'd share another reflection I had from the Lenten/St. Ignatius retreat. I don't know how theologically sound it is, but I've never claimed to be a theologian. (Deacon Jason, if you're reading this-feel free to correct me :)

The first part of the retreat called for reflection on ourselves and our sinfulness. The second part is asking us to reflect more on the life of Christ. St. Ignatius is leading us through a series of reflections and meditations on the different milestones in Christ's life. He ends each instruction with the words, "Reflect upon this to draw some fruit from each of these details." After a couple of dry reflections, I was getting kind of angry with him. He made "drawing fruit" sound so easy! I think I even said in my head, "I'm not getting any fruit here St. Ignatius!"

Then one meditation really hit me. It was on the birth of our Lord in Bethlehem. I was supposed to do this reflection on Thursday, which was cycle day 1, and that's what caused the major meltdown. By Saturday, I was ready to do it. I read through the Nativity story (in Luke of course) and pictured myself as a "little unworthy slave" attending to Mary during and after the birth of Christ. I found myself observing the beautiful sacrifices that Mary and Joseph endured for their Son. It hit me that Mary and Joseph (and especially Mary) are the two people that have sacrificed and suffered more for Christ than any other human beings on the face of the earth. Not that others haven't laid down their lives for him, many are still doing so, but Mary and Joseph sacrificed for him in the flesh. Without the initial sacrifices of Mary and Joseph, there would be no Christian today to even have the ability to lay down their life for Christ. They offered up so much pain and suffering for this tiny, very human, little baby. No one on earth will ever be able to offer that much to Christ, as his earthly body is no longer with us. (except in the Eucharist of course!)

That wasn't the "fruit" though. That was just a realization. It then occurred to me, as I continued to watch this unfold as a "little slave", that at the time of their sacrifices and suffering, Mary and Joseph had NO IDEA what kind of sacrifice their Son would return to them. They gave him absolutely everything they had, but he gave them back so much more. They sacrificed and suffered to bring him into this world, but he gave his very life so that they could have eternal life when they left it. Not to diminish the sacrifice of Jesus' mom and dad, but it paled in comparison to the sacrifice of their Son for them! They sacrificed more than any other human ever did or ever can, yet it's nowhere near the level of sacrifice that Jesus offered to us on the cross.

And now for the "fruit". My sacrifice and suffering from not being able to have children is so small in comparison to the sacrifices of Mary and Joseph. Even if I offered EVERY SINGLE tear and heartache to our Lord (which, I assure you, I don't) it would never equal the level of sacrifice that Jesus' parents made for him. And since even their beautiful sacrifice wasn't equal to the sacrifice he made for them, how could I ever expect mine to be?

Even I spent the rest of my life barren and miserable, offering all of my sorrow to Jesus, I would still not be able to measure up to his sacrifice. I should be GRATEFUL for the sorrow that comes with infertility because it brings me one tiny step closer to offering back to Jesus what he offered for me on the cross. (I said it-grateful! I know it with my head, I don't think I feel it in my heart yet.) And that realization was some "fruit" worth chewing on.

A Soldier of My King

This Lenten retreat just keeps getting better and better. St. Ignatius is amazing! I want to share a reflection I did the other night and how I related it to our current struggles with infertility.

The reflection is broken up into a series of points. The first point asks us to reflect on the qualities of a wonderful human king, the kind of king who all people respect and obey. It was clear to me that this king would have all of the qualities of our Lord. He would be just, yet merciful. Strong, but with a heart for the weak. Smart. Honest. Compassionate. Joyful. The list could go on and on.

The second point instructs us to consider the following address from the king: It is my will to conquer all the lands of the infidel. Therefore, whoever wishes to join with me in this enterprise must be content with the same food, drink, clothing, etc. as mine. So, too, he must work with me day by day, and watch with me by night, etc., that as he has had a share in the toil with me, afterwards, he may share in the victory with me.

The third point asks us to consider what kind of answer the faithful subjects of the king would give. A loyal subject would give a resounding "yes!" to the king and willingly follow him into whatever horror and suffering awaited.

Ignatius then draws our focus to the true King, Jesus Christ. Jesus gives the same address to his faithful subjects as did the earthly king. He asks us: Follow me in suffering so that you may follow me in glory. Wow. It didn't take long for God to clarify in my mind my calling to suffer with him. I am a solider, Christ is my King. If I contemplate on the duty and calling of a soldier, I realize it is anything but glamorous. They sleep on the ground, they eat simple meals, they keep watch throughout the night. They endure broken bones, loss of limbs, traumatic brain injuries, and worse. And they do not complain. They willing fight and die for their country and they do so without complaint. If they chose not to suffer, they would have no share in the victory.

If I expect to share in the victory of Christ, if I expect to share in the glory of heaven, I must fight beside him in the battlefield. I must suffer with him on the cross. We are all called to be suffering soldiers in the army of God. And, perhaps as a reward for my faithfulness to him, God has appointed me to this particular mission, to this particular suffering. Just as a faithful soldier would be chosen to carry out a top-secret and very dangerous mission, I have been chosen to bear a heavy and sorrowful cross. The soldier may tremble with fear as they board their jet and prepare for their mission, but the glory that awaits them in the victory is far greater than the fate that awaits the soldier who cowardly hides in the back of the line. If I truly want to share in the victory of Christ's cross, I must pick up my own, suffer along with him, and do so without complaint.

And just as the soldier who was chosen for the top-secret mission, I should be honored when I'm presented with a burden that I can return to the Lord, especially one so great and heavy. I have been blessed with infertility so that I may offer my sorrow to Christ and share fully in his glory at the end of my life. And more than a medal of honor or a purple heart, this soldier will seek to be rewarded with the words: Well done, my good and faithful "soldier".

Waiting...

Lent is here and I actually feel ready! I usually have no solid direction when Lent begins and end up choosing something to give up about midway through the season. Not so this year! I actually decided upon a few things to give up that I feel will help quiet my heart and assist me in gaining some much needed self control. I'm also participating in an extended retreat through our church, St. Joseph. Our priest announced the retreat two Sundays ago and I was excited from the moment the words left his lips. The retreat is based on the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, which a book I've wanted to read for a long time. It's been recommended to me by priests in confession and I'm excited to be reading it with the guidance of a priest rather than on my own.

After a Mardi Gras party at St. Joseph's on Tuesday and a fully packed Ash Wednesday Mass, I'm starting to feel in Lenten "mood". With that comes some reflection on waiting and what it means to wait with "joyful hope" as we always hear during Mass. Lent is a time of prayer, fasting, and almsgiving and of waiting with expectation of our Lord's resurrection on Easter Sunday. While Lent is a difficult time if observed correctly, the "hope" part of it is especially difficult for me to understand because it's already been realized. It doesn't make sense for me to "hope" for Jesus' resurrection because I know it's already happened. I know that Easter Sunday will fall on April 4th this year and that the Easter Season will follow after. I'm waiting and hoping for something that I'm already confident will occur.

This isn't the case with our waiting and hoping for a baby. April 4th will come and go with or without a baby having been conceived. Lent will occur every year from now until the end of the world, and I may struggle with same sadness of infertility during every last one of them. There is no way to know what God has in store for us right now and, if I'm being completely honest, I REALLY don't like that. I'm resisting the urge to even use the word "hate". It is so very difficult to have no idea what the future holds. Ted says it's good for me to not have control over this situation and I know that he's right. But that doesn't mean I like it. And it doesn't make it any easier to deal with my lack of control.

Right now I'm in the "waiting" part of the month. I've done this so many times before and it's the same almost every time. My period came and went-we knew we weren't pregnant. Then there are always a couple of days that follow with no cramps, being absolutely certain you're not pregnant, and having no pressure to try to conceive. (I usually make it a point to enjoy a nice cold Bud Light during this time.) After that comes the trying, which is so emotionally complex I could spend 10 posts attempting to lay out all of my emotions. After the first couple days of trying come thoughts of: if we conceived this month, it might have happened by now! I don't feel any different, but that's ok because it's too early to notice anything anyway. I start treating my body like it's pregnant on the rare chance that is actually is. No alcohol and virtually no medicine-depsite my nasty sinus infection right now. I take my prenatal vitamins and hope that they're actually going to help a real baby this month.

Then comes what has affectionately been called the "two week wait" in infertility circles. The Lent of the woman's cycle. If we're going to get pregnant this month-it definitely would have happened by now! I think I'm peeing more than usual-maybe that's a sign. I don't think this is just gas-this feels different. It's getting close to the time to start my period and I don't feel any cramps yet-we're probably pregnant! I calculate my due date and make a mental note that it's the best possible time to have a baby, even though I thought the same thing last month. I start daydreaming about ways to tell Ted and announce it to our families. I find myself standing in our spare bedroom thinking about ways to make a crib fit for nearly 10 minutes before I even realize what I'm doing. Every day that goes by I grow more and more confident that it actually worked this month! Then comes the back pain and the funny feeling in my lower stomach. Even though my period is still days away-I know I'm not pregnant. Sometimes my nurse will suggest I take a pregnancy test at this time, but I know it's pointless. I just know. By the time my period actually arrives it's no surprise, although it still hurts every time. Some months I cry, some months I shrug it off and act like it's no big deal. But I'm always disappointed.

I don't know how to relate this "waiting" to the waiting of Lent. I wish I had some awesome insight to share with everyone about what I've learned from this experience, but I don't. I just have frustration and confusion. How do I "joyfully hope" for a baby when I have little reason to believe it will actually happen? How do I remain joyful in this waiting when I really just want to cry? I can only hope that Lent will be a time for me to get better at offering up this pain to God and finding a deeper strength in Jesus to help me through the seemingly endless cycles of the "two week wait."

Mary, will you hold my hand extra tight over the next two weeks?