Behold

During daily Mass tonight, I was having my usual trouble of staying focused, staying prayerful, and keeping my continuous belching quiet enough to not disturb anyone. While reverently and piously kneeling during the Liturgy of the Eucharist, I closed my eyes, put my head down, and started thinking about other things.

All of the sudden I felt like an angry parent stood in front of me, grabbed my chin, lifted my head and said, "he said Behold!"

Ah yes, he did say "behold"! Father was elevating the Host and proclaiming, "Behold, this is the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world."

Here I was lost in my thoughts about dinner and doctor's appointments when I was supposed to be beholding!

Ted always says that if we say things the way they actually are, we would understand things much better. Sometimes we get used to the language of the Mass or of some great mystery of the Church and we become numb to it. If it was suddenly re-worded to something a little simpler, we wouldn't miss the point.

If, instead of saying behold as he elevated the Host, Father had shouted at the top of his lungs, "Hey people! Pay attention! Fix your eyes on the Body of Christ! This is a MIRACLE!! He takes away all your sins and makes it possible for you to stay out of hell!" I think we'd listen.

Now, I'm not promoting this sort of outrageous behavior at Mass. It is not supposed to be a theatrical performance and would lose all reverence if it were so. But it's good to think about things from a different angle sometimes. To stop and think about what the words of the Mass really mean, what they're really calling us to.

I wish I could say that for our hour of Adoration after Mass I did nothing but behold the face of Christ in awe. But most of the time was still spent on dinner and doctor's appointments. Baby steps, baby steps.

Quick Takes (13)

-1-

Another great week of work has flown by! Man it's nice liking your job.

-2-

The baby is moving more and more often, sometimes up to 10 times a day. It still takes my breath away. When she moves, I can't think about anything else. If I'm listening to someone tell a story, I completely zone out and concentrate on the tiny tickles under my skin.  I just don't want to miss one second of it. It takes everything I have in me not to loudly interrupt whoever is talking and shout, "My baby is moving! He's alive and healthy and growing! It's a miracle!! God is so good!!!" It's gonna happen one of these days, and I can't say that I'm gonna be embarrassed by it.

-3-

I felt movement for the first time in the middle of the night last night. And yes, I know that this will cause me much frustration in the future, but for now I just relished every second. I curled up next to Ted and just smiled myself back to sleep. Thank you Jesus.

-4-

I'm sooo ready for fall! Thankful emailed me today and told me she was off to spend the weekend in a cabin in northern Minnesota. I'm insanely jealous. The heat index was 110 today. It's still disgustingly humid down here. I'm ready for jackets and football and orange leaves. How much better would life be if it was fall all year round?

-5-

We went bowling last Sunday and I broke a hundred for the first time in my life!! I actually bowled a 127! Ted, who usually blows me out of the water, only got a 94. It was glorious.

-6-

We're having another couple over for dinner tonight. We met them at church recently and they're new to town. And even though they're from Idaho and Pennsylvania, Ted and I were SHOCKED when they told us they had never had catfish.

Welcome to the catfish capital of the world new friends! I hope you like it fried!

-7-

Meeting new people always reminds me of how diverse our group of friends is. We now have friends from Idaho, Pennsylvania, Louisiana, California, Mississippi, Kentucky, Minnesota, Illinois, North Dakota, Iowa, Ohio, Wisconsin, and Florida. (And I'm sure I'm forgetting a couple.) All right here in Mississippi. It's just crazy.

But the verdict on the best state in the union? That would still be Missouri :)

An Assumption Miracle! (and Prayer Buddy)

Since feeling that first little kick on Monday, I've felt the baby move at least once every day. It's always between the hours of 3:00 and 6:00 pm and usually only lasts about 30 seconds or so.

It's the highlight of my day.

As I read my morning prayers this morning I was reminded of what I was doing four years ago on this very day. On the Feast of the Assumption, August 15, 2006, I had my first surgery with my St. Louis NaPro doctor. Four years ago. I was terrified of what the surgery would reveal. I was sick to my stomach and having breathing complications for 24 hours after the surgery. Ted and I were only dating at the time, but he was by my side for every bit of it (along with my mom!)

I shed so many tears in the weeks leading up to that surgery. I was so scared of what a diagnosis of endometriosis would mean for our future. I trusted my surgeon and myself to the Blessed Mother and asked Mary to intercede for me on this special feast day (which in practice involved me saying probably a hundred Hail Mary's to calm my nerves while I waited for the surgery to begin).

We went to 9:00 am Mass this morning. The Gospel reading was so familiar and so comforting. The Visitation has always been my favorite Mystery of the Rosary, even during our years of infertility. Hearing that reading today, four years after my first surgery, was the most amazing blessing.

Elizabeth tells Mary: For at the moment the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the infant in my womb leaped for joy.

And, to my absolute shock and disbelief, at the moment the sound of those words of the Gospel reached MY ears, the infant in MY womb leaped for joy!

Complete, pure, undeserved JOY!

During the homily I whispered to Ted and told him what had just happened. The look on his face was priceless! I thought to myself, "He could not have looked prouder if his 18 year old son had just told him he was entering the seminary!" That's how much pride was swelling up in his sweet face.

At the end of Mass Ted said to me, "I guess she's gonna be a nun!" Ha! We were both thinking the same thing: we have such a holy baby! We patted ourselves on the back for raising such a pious little unborn child.

As we knelt to pray before leaving Mass, tears welled up in my eyes. Four years ago I was laying on a operating table fearing this day would never come. Not only has it finally arrived, but is has surpassed all my hopes and expectations tenfold!

You just NEVER know what God has in store for you!

********************************************************************

And I'm so honored to announce that my prayer buddy is Stephanie from Praying for a Family! I had never read her blog before, but within an hour of getting my "assignment" I had read every post she'd ever written! I've been praying for her in my evening prayers, at Adoration, and at Mass. I've prayed that she be blessed with the children she so strongly desires, that she have the strength to continue this difficult journey, and for her family (who she has blogged about as needing prayers). God Bless you Stephanie!

Quick Takes (12)

-1-

These are actually going to be quick this time. That's the only way I'll get a post up today.

-2-

I love my job! I don't have the internet....or a phone.....a copier.....or even a computer. And I do have wasps. But I seriously, seriously love it.

-3-

Ted has NO out-of-town plans in the foreseeable future! That makes me so happy!

-4-

Ted and I have been arguing about a new building going up down the road from us. He says it's a Waffle House. I say it's too small to be a Waffle House.

The sign went up today......Waffle House. Dangit.

-5-

Grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner tonight. I'm actually kind of excited about it.

-6-

I've managed to use my Magnificat for morning and evening prayers for about two weeks now!

-7-

I literally felt my stomach growing today. And it felt weird.

Cloud Nine

I always feel so great after we have a doctor's appointment. I can't believe we've already had THREE-and they're four weeks apart!

I literally cannot think about anything but the baby for hours after the appointments. It's like finding out we're pregnant all over again. If I dwell on it, I'll just start crying.

I'm giddy. I replay every moment of the appointment over and over again in my head. It's just so surreal.

Our baby is now 5 inches long-that's HUGE! I know I'll get made fun of for this-but I got out a ruler and put it on my tummy to see how much room the baby takes up. Then, in a moment of shear craziness, I got out a permanent marker and made two little dots on my belly 5 inches apart. Now I can look down anytime I want to be reminded of how big my precious little bean is. Hopefully the marker washes off by the time the baby is 6 inches.....

I'm so grateful. So very, very grateful. Thank you Lord for letting me be a mommy.

The Best Anniversary Present EVER!

Ted and I are celebrating our two year anniversary today!  Well, we're actually in two separate states. But we celebrated yesterday. Last year we really went all out with our anniversary. We spent the weekend in Birmingham in a fancy hotel, attended the EWTN Family Celebration, and splurged on a super nice meal. This year, as we were driving home from Mass one day, we passed a local burger joint that Ted hasn't been to. I told him he needed to go sometime and he said, "Maybe for our anniversary!". "Great idea!" I said.

When my mom got wind of that plan she took matters into her own hands and sent us a gift card to our favorite restaurant as an anniversary gift. Thanks mom!

We had a wonderful evening and even splurged on an appetizer!! (Woah!)

It never fails that a stranger taking our picture will cut Ted's head off...

Two years ago today I stood on the alter and held back tears as the priest asked us if we would be open to children. I didn't cry at any other point in the day, but the thought of bringing a life into this world with the man standing in front me was overwhelming. Overwhelmingly beautiful and terrifying. Even on my wedding day, the happiest day of my life, infertility was in the back of my mind. I was already scared and knew we had a battle in front of us.

We had a really easy time picking out the prayers for the Mass (you get about 4 different options on a half dozen prayers or so for Catholic weddings). We just picked whichever one mentioned children the most!

Other parts of the Mass were extremely special to us too. We included a litany of our favorite saints in the Eucharistic Prayer. And in addition to presenting Mary with flowers and asking for her intercession, we also went across the sanctuary and prayed before St. Joseph, offering him a lily of course, and asking for his prayers as the patron saint of families.

I also loved picking out the readings! What a special honor!  For the first reading we chose Sirach: 1-4, 13-16, a passage about the happiness a good wife can bring. The second reading was from Romans 8: 31-35, 37-39 "If God is for us, who can be against us?.....Nothing can separate us from the love of God." But our Gospel was really special. It was from Matthew 6: 25-34.

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is life not more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin. But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass of the field. which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? So do not worry and say, 'What are we to eat?' or 'What are we to drink?' or 'What are we to wear?' All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides. Do no worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.

When Ted and I got married, I was still in grad school. He had a summer job that was coming to a close and had no idea what he would do next. We had no health insurance, a little bit of savings, and a very small one bedroom apartment that we were determined to fit a baby into.

Yet, we weren't worried. We had no reason to be. We knew that God was calling us to marriage. We knew it was supposed to happen on that exact day and time. We knew He would take care of us and we trusted Him. But we also knew that life would get harder and our problems would get bigger. We knew it was be easy to fall, to lose that trust in God that we had at the alter. That's why we chose that Gospel reading-to remind us not to worry when times got rough. To trust in Him more than we trusted in ourselves and in each other. To trust that He would heal my body and give us the blessing of a child.

Last year on our anniversary we asked every priest we came in contact with (which was a lot-EWTN is very holy!) to pray for us to be able to have children. (When we told Fr. Wade Menezes we were celebrating our anniversary,  he thought we meant dating! He didn't think we looked old enough to be married! Another priest thought we were brother and sister and was just sure that we came with our parents! And here we were asking for prayers that we got pregnant!) I was just getting started with Creighton after becoming increasingly frustrated with the approach of my traditional doctor. We had a wonderful anniversary, but it was bittersweet. We had already hoped there would be a child in our arms and it looked as if it was still a long ways away, if it was even possible at all.

Another whole year later and one of us is still in grad school (thank God it's not me this time!), the other actually has a full-time job. We've upgraded to a modest sized two-bedroom apartment but still don't have room for a baby. And despite draining that bit of savings on infertility treatments, we're making it.

This year, I have a tiny little life growing inside of me. I celebrated our anniversary with a pink lemonade instead of the fancy, expensive drink I had last year. There's three of us this year-the way it should be.

God has outdone Himself with goodness for me and Ted in the last two years. We don't deserve it, but we're beyond grateful.

God even gave me the most incredible anniversary present I could ever imagine. For the first time today, I felt our little miracle move!!!

I was sitting at my desk on hold during a phone call. I felt a little tickle on my stomach, just below my belly button. I moved my shirt to try to get it to go away. I felt it a second time and moved my shirt again. But then I realized that it didn't matter what I did-the feeling was coming from beneath my skin, not on top of it! It felt (just as everyone describes) like teeny, tiny little bubbles skating across the underside of my skin. It only lasted a second-but I'm positive that's what it was. It was like nothing I've ever felt before. I texted Ted and told him that the baby gave us an anniversary present! Then I just sat there and cried. I've cried three more times today re-telling the story. And I'm crying now just writing about it. So.so.so.incredibly.grateful.

Ted, I love you with everything I have and every part of my being. Thank for choosing me to be your wife and the mother of your child. We have been given the ultimate gift in you as the leader of this family. I am eternally grateful.

Love, Kaitlin and the Bean

Praying for Friends

In early May the blogs were buzzing with news of miraculous pregnancies. I was going through yet another period and failed cycle. It seemed like  blessings were being poured out to everyone but me. Women who had been trying for 4 years or more found themselves pregnant by the grace of God. Announcement after announcement revealed the power of the Holy Spirit. And I felt alone.

But just a few short weeks later I joined the ranks of women who could announce pregnancies. I became a mommy and life has been so different ever since.

The past few weeks, the blogs have been filled with women who have either received children through adoption or are becoming increasingly close to bring home their adopted child. So many women have wonderful news of birth mothers selflessly giving over their children, due dates drawing near, and holding their precious child in their arms the very day they were told they were going to be parents.

So many times in life it seems that blessings come in packs. And, unfortunately, it seems to be the same for heartache.

In the last week or so five bloggers have dealt with miscarriage. Five amazing, beautiful women who don't deserve this pain. For some it was their first pregnancy. Others have suffered this far too many times. Others have received devastating medical news with the results of their miscarriage. And others are praying that their baby makes it as I type this.

It seems like every day I tell my husband that a dear blogger friend has lost their baby. My growing belly and excitement about my upcoming baby shower are bittersweet.

I'm 14 weeks along. Surprisingly, these sad announcements don't make me scared for own baby (any more than I already am of course). I'm so overwhelmed with sorrow for these women that I honestly can't think about myself, which is rare for this selfish blogger. Tears stream down my face as I fight to get through these posts. It's. just. not. fair.

Life is precious and if miscarriage teaches me nothing else, it teaches me that. God gives and God takes away.

When I've mentioned to friends or written posts about my fears surrounding miscarriage, I've sometimes been dismissed as a "typical worrying pregnant lady". And yes, I realize that ALL pregnant women have at least some fear of loosing the child in their wombs. And while I don't mean to glorify sorrow in any way, there is a fundamental difference from a typical woman fearing miscarriage and a woman who has endured infertility fearing miscarriage. That difference is the gut wrenching, deep in your soul, stomach sinking feeling that if you were to miscarry, you may never have another chance again.

This is not to say that having a baby after miscarriage could EVER replace the baby that you lost. That is absolutely false. But for someone who had to undergo surgeries, ultrasounds, injections, blood work, and countless amounts of pills just to bring that baby into existence-loosing a baby is doubly hard.

Although I don't dwell on miscarriage on a daily basis-it's never far from my mind. And I know that if we loose our little bean, we might never have a chance to have an earthly child. Our conception was a miracle (not that all aren't). And who knows if God would ever bless us with that miracle again.

I'm not writing this post to be morbid. I hope I don't upset any of of the dear women who are currently struggling with this, I'm sure this was a thought they've already realized. I am simply asking anyone who reads this blog to pray for these five women. To be understanding to the pain and heartache that miscarriage creates, especially for someone who had to fight so hard to get pregnant in the first place.

St. Gianna, pray for us.
St. Gerard, pray for us.

Bump Picture, New Job, and Butterfinger Blast

Bumpity Bump Bump

Due to popular demand, I present to you........

My 14 week belly!

I got a comment about it today from a woman who may or may not know I'm pregnant. I'm going with "didn't know" so I can pretend I'm already showing to people who don't know! Even though I've said it in previous pictures, I am NOT arching my back! Every time we take these pictures it looks like I'm sticking it out-but I assure you that my butt is just that big and my back is just that curved.

Survival!!

I survived my first week at my new job! It was crazy, exciting, stressful, encouraging, and overall pretty good. I'm doing mostly the same thing I did in my previous job-which is to drive around to day cares and preschools to give 3-5 year olds speech and language therapy.  I'm also doing a lot of testing to qualify new kids for speech-language services. Most people complain about having to drive around so much and having to drag all their therapy supplies with them-but I love it! I love the flexibility. I love the change in scenery. And I love the time spent in my car decompressing. But I also love......the weekend!

Sonic-a-holic

Tonight, as we were finishing dinner (that Ted made by the way!), I turned to Ted and said, "I could really use some ice cream after this long week of work...." all but giving him the wink. "You think everything deserves Sonic!" he said. "What about my first week of work?" (which will start in a few weeks). "We'll go again for your first week!" I said.

And enlightening Ted on the ways of the world, I then said, "There are lots of good reasons to have a Butterfinger Blast Ted," and proceeded to ramble off said reasons.

He laughed and said that was good material for a blog post. He THEN said we could go to Sonic tonight IF I wrote a blog post that contained the reasons I told him, at least 9 more reasons, and made him laugh.  So, the following are situations that justify splurging on a delicious ice cream treat from Sonic:

You just finished your first week of a work at a new job! Yay!

You just finished your first week of a work back at an old job! Woo Hoo!

You're pregnant and Butterfinger is the only thing that won't make you sick. Necessary!

You're pregnant but finally over your 9 weeks of nausea! Yes!

Your husband just made you a nice dinner! Thanks!

Your husband made you a nice dinner that only consisted of ingredients you already had in the house, thus keeping you on budget for the month! Wow!

You had a BAD day. Boo!

You had a GREAT day! Alright!

You found five dollars in the wash. Awesome!

Sonic shakes are two-for-one! Perfect!

You're hot because the AC in your truck doesn't work. Whew!

You have three friends on facebook with birthdays today! Happy Birthday!

You got up early and made it to Mass before work! Good job!

You can actually go to Mass in the mornings because you no longer have a 35 minute commute! Praise God!

You just found out your sister is coming to visit you in a few weeks! Fun!

Your two year anniversary is only three days away! Praise God again!

You adjusted your online budget last week to automatically put Sonic in "entertainment" instead of the ridiculously high and out of control "groceries" category. Smart!

and...

You have a husband that loves you and laughs at your attempt to be funny!.......so do I get to go to Sonic now??

Pregnancy Update

It's fun to post when I have lots of exciting changes to report....but not so fun when nothing changes. Or at least not much changes.  But here's what I got...

I'll be 14 weeks tomorrow!

I've gained 9 pounds!

I only have one pair of dress pants that still fit me and am wearing them to work every day.

My belly is getting bigger, but is still small when I wake up in the morning. Apparently my little baby only likes to stretch out in the afternoon and evening.

I have no more nausea!!!!!!

The tiredness is getting better, but I'm still a bit sluggish.

No more cravings or food aversions. Just a little hungrier than normal.

I'm a bit emotional, but nothing extreme. I was listening to a song the other day about everything belonging to God and being able to let it go. It made me think of a mother saying goodbye to her child as he left for college. I started crying thinking about our little cutie in the ultrasound pic growing up and leaving me for college. He's growing up too fast! Already 3 inches!!  Ok, maybe that is "extreme".

I can't feel any movement yet, but I definitely feel SOMETHING! My stomach is non-stop gurgling, shifting, and stretching. It feels funny, but I don't think it is the baby moving. Maybe just the baby moving other stuff around.

I burp. All the time. I mean ALL the time. Ted is amazed. I would win any contest you put me in. Bring it on.

That's about it! I turned 25 today and can't believe I will have a baby in my arms on my next birthday.  For my birthday, Ted gave me a Willow Tree statue of a pregnant woman. I cried and cried. When he asked why I could just barely get out, "I just never thought I would be able to get a present like this for my birthday." But it's real. It's wonderful. I'm so thankful. The caption for the statue is "Awaiting a miracle." Amazing.

Restless

"Our hearts are restless until they rest in You" -St. Augustine.

Has there ever been a truer phrase uttered from the mouth of a saint? My heart is, indeed, restless.

Ted and I celebrated my birthday yesterday. It's not actually until Tuesday, but his stupid annoying LAST work trip forced us to move the celebration. On our way out to the lake for a swim he turned on the CD player in his truck so that I could hear my birthday present-the Audrey Assad CD! As I listened to the songs while hanging out of the window (his truck doesn't have AC and it was 99 degrees outside!) one struck me in particular. She uses the wise words of St. Augustine and sings, "I am restless until I rest in You."

It hit me. I'm restless. Because I'm not resting in Him.

It's been nearly impossible for me to blog about anything these last two weeks. I have no energy, no motivation, nothing to say. I've started about a half dozen posts only to abandon them to go take a nap or waste time on facebook. As I listened to the words of the song, I thought of a line from The Reed of God (the book I'm reading for Lauren's book study). Houselander writes:

Just as no one can have an ordinary child of flesh and blood without there being a union of flesh and blood first, no one can generate spiritual life without first having a union with the Spirit.

And there you have it. I have such a limited union with the Spirit right now that I am completely incapable of generating any kind of spiritual life, on this blog or otherwise.

I've had nearly two months to rest during my summer off. Two months to rest as I complete my first trimester. Rest that should have been rejuvenating, fulfilling, even spiritual.  But have I rested? No. I've been lazy. I've taken lots of naps. But I haven't rested. I haven't taken the time off to immerse myself in God's rest, in His peace. I've wasted the last two months and now it's over. Tomorrow is my first day back to work. I'm sitting here wondering how I'm going to be able to handle it. How I'm going to find the energy, the motivation, the enthusiasm that my job requires of me. When I should be sitting here with excitement and anticipation about the year to come, all of the kids I'm going to help, and the memories that will be made.

And this is NOT just because I'm tired from pregnancy. There is a fundamental difference between being tired and being lazy. And I'm just lazy. I have no strength to accomplish anything because I haven't asked God for His strength. I have no peace about what I've done during the day because I haven't reflected on His peace. And I have no true rest when I lay my head down at night because my heart as been resting in the things of this world, rather than in Him.

I made a new goal for myself-that I will spend at least a few minutes in prayer every morning and every evening by myself. I know, I know-I'm sure everyone who is reading this is thinking, "What?? You don't PRAY" And the answer is-not really. Not like I should. Ted leads us in prayer every night before bed and I try to follow along. I pray before all of my meals and ask pardon for those in purgatory. And sometimes I even go to daily Mass and stick around just long enough to say a St. Michael prayer. But that's about it. No quiet time with God. No reflecting on the triumphs and sins of the past day. No real prayer.

It would have made sense to start this new time of prayer BEFORE my life became hectic with a 40 hour work week! It would have made sense to get into the habit of morning and evening prayer when I actually had TIME to do it! But I didn't do that. So I'm starting today. Better late than never right?

I'm using the morning and and evening prayers that are included in the Magnificat. This morning's was just perfect, as were the readings for Mass. Psalm 62 says, "In God alone is my soul at rest, my help comes from Him...In God alone be at rest my soul, for my hope comes from Him."

My treasures have been stored up in earth. My rest is the false, deceitful rest of this world.

Lord, help me to find true rest in You. Unite my heart to your Spirit, so that I may generate spiritual life.