I began a conversation with Ted last night with the words, "I need to tell you something before you read it on my blog." (Ha! I promise you we really do have great communication skills) "Yes, that would probably be a good thing," he said. I told him about my feelings towards 'not getting our hopes up' and explained that I NEEDED to let my hopes get up because I didn't have anything else. After we talked about it, he completely agreed and was on board with my new attitude of "hope despite heartache".
The more we talked, the more I realized that I need to be clinging to hope like it's my life support. Like it's the last parachute out of the falling plane. I need to let myself rejoice when a pharmacy miraculously has the drug I need, an insurance claim finally get sorted out, or my bloodwork comes back with great results. Those are are all great victories and deserve their joy and the hope that follows. Then I said to Ted, "why can't we get our hopes up? You would never tell me not to get my love up. Or not to get my faith up."
And that's exactly right-faith, hope, and love are all in the same boat. We all know Corinthians 13. We would never supress feelings of love or the gift of faith because we recognize that these are beautiful wonderful gifts that God wishes to bestow on us. When it comes to hope, though, we hesistate. We don't want to hope too much or get our hopes too high. We fear it might come back to bite us. But we would never say that about faith or love. We can NEVER love to much or have too much faith. So, my deductive reasoning tells me that we can NEVER have too much hope either.
So here's to hope. And lots of it. We can't have too much-so let's ask God for the maximum dosage. Yes, there will be those of us who will never conceive. Those who can never adopt or foster. And I might be in all of those categories. But we don't know that yet-because there is still hope.
Sidenote: I really love my new phrase of "hope despite heartache". I think I need to tape that to my dashboard or bathroom mirror or something. If I didn't already have a blog-I think I would make that my title. But I couldn't diss Mary like that, so my title will have to stay.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Joy in Hope
TCIE is right-there really is joy in hope. I got my hope back today. And even if it only lasts for a day-today was a good day and I'll take it. I owe this return in hope to all of the positive comments on my post from yesterday. So many people were excited by my blood work and starting HCG that it actually got me thinking "maybe this could work". This made me hopeful-which gave me joy.
Sometimes I'm scared to get too hopeful. Ted's been known to say "let's not get our hopes up" and while I completely understand (and sometimes agree) with where he's coming from-I'm this point I'm thinking "getting my hopes up is all I have left!" If I can't hope-what can I do? It's fun to get excited about the possibility of a trigger shot actually working. It's fun to daydream about the way this dress would look on me if I had a baby bump. And yes, it hurts ten times worse when cycle day one shows up-but maybe it's worth it. A week of heartache for almost a month of hoping. I'll take those odds. If I don't hope-I'll be miserable the entire month instead of just during my period.
Things got accomplished today. I talked with both clinics at least ten times total. I figured out the amount each ultrasound is going to cost (less than we thought!). I put my new ultrasound girl in touch with my old ones in TN. I scheduled the ultrasounds for 7:15 am every day next week. I talked to my doctor about finding me some HCG. Things fell into place. This gives me hope.
I was joyful to my kids today. I haven't been joyful in probably over a month. I laughed with them. I hugged them like crazy. I even stopped by some of the infant rooms to snuggle some of the babies before they went down for their nap. I realize that this could all come crashing down in about 3 and a half weeks-but I don't care about that right now. Right now, I'm taking what I can get. And if I can get hope in ultrasounds and HCG-then I'm taking it.
Sometimes I'm scared to get too hopeful. Ted's been known to say "let's not get our hopes up" and while I completely understand (and sometimes agree) with where he's coming from-I'm this point I'm thinking "getting my hopes up is all I have left!" If I can't hope-what can I do? It's fun to get excited about the possibility of a trigger shot actually working. It's fun to daydream about the way this dress would look on me if I had a baby bump. And yes, it hurts ten times worse when cycle day one shows up-but maybe it's worth it. A week of heartache for almost a month of hoping. I'll take those odds. If I don't hope-I'll be miserable the entire month instead of just during my period.
Things got accomplished today. I talked with both clinics at least ten times total. I figured out the amount each ultrasound is going to cost (less than we thought!). I put my new ultrasound girl in touch with my old ones in TN. I scheduled the ultrasounds for 7:15 am every day next week. I talked to my doctor about finding me some HCG. Things fell into place. This gives me hope.
I was joyful to my kids today. I haven't been joyful in probably over a month. I laughed with them. I hugged them like crazy. I even stopped by some of the infant rooms to snuggle some of the babies before they went down for their nap. I realize that this could all come crashing down in about 3 and a half weeks-but I don't care about that right now. Right now, I'm taking what I can get. And if I can get hope in ultrasounds and HCG-then I'm taking it.
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