The Beginning of Advent

I realize that today is the last day of Advent, as we will celebrate Christmas at 5:00 pm Mass in just a few hours. Even so, I find myself reflecting on Advent's beginning. No, not November 28-just four short weeks ago-but Advent's real beginning-thousands of years ago.

Ted and I read a passage about Advent by Scott Hahn the other night and something dawned on both of us as we read it. I couldn't even tell you the line or phrase that jolted our thoughts, but we both had the same thought at the same time. 

Advent didn't begin with the Annunciation. Mary's "yes" didn't put Advent into play. Advent marks the time from the beginning of history up until the moment Christ took His first breath. The entire world was in "Advent" for thousands of years as they awaited a Savior.

Yes, that may be strikingly obvious to some, but I had never really thought about that. I always thought of Advent as beginning when Jesus was miraculously conceived and ending at His birth in Bethlehem. But Advent is about waiting for our King and the waiting began long before Mary ever walked the earth.

It made us think about the events of history that brought us slowly out of Advent and into the time of redemption. The prophets of the Old Testament telling of the coming of the Messiah. Mary's immaculate birth and life spent preparing herself to be Christ's mother. Her visitation to Elizabeth and the leaping in the womb. The long, arduous walk to Bethlehem. And, of course, the silent and holy night that Mary gave birth to our Lord.

I've reflected often this Advent season on my own Advent, my own waiting period for my baby to be born. I've tried to prepare myself to be a worthy mother for this wonderful child. I've changed my eating habits, exercised more, taken my vitamins, and studied until I couldn't study anymore. In the same way, I've prepared my home for Christmas by decorating a tree, thawing out a turkey, and setting up our Nativity scene. But I've also been preparing my heart. Even if the baby blankets aren't washed and the crib isn't ready, it's my heart that really needs to be prepared for what's about to take place just six weeks from now. And so it is with Advent, it's much more important that my heart be in tune with Christ's than my tree be the prettiest on the block. It's much more important that my thoughts be directed towards thanksgiving for my Savior than my turkey coming out perfectly.

One more thought flowed out of my head when I first realized that Advent didn't really begin Jesus' conception. My Advent, my time of waiting and preparing for my precious baby to be born didn't begin with his conception either. I've been waiting and preparing for this baby long before s/he was ever nestled in my womb. All the months of negative pregnancy tests, the surgeries, the medicine-these were all physical preparations, little Advents, bringing me closer to the birth of my baby.

But it goes back even further than that. If I really reflect on my life up to this point, I realize that my entire life has been a preparation for this little one. Whether conscious or subconscious, deliberate or passive, I have been waiting and preparing to mother this child for 25 years. Ted said that the studying we did in high school in order to get into college, the work we did in college in order to get a good job-all of this was preparation to be parents, whether we meant it to be or not. The years we spent dating, engaged, and married were strengthening the bond between us, preparing us for the difficult moments that surely lie ahead.

I remember the very first time I went to Ted's house the summer after we started dating. He was so excited to show me his collection of fishing rods that he had stored in his dad's garage. He had entered (and won, obviously) a local fishing contest for at least the last five years and the prize was always a fishing pole. He didn't need the poles for himself (he had plenty!) but he saved them and imagined giving them to his kids one day. He was just a kid himself and he was already thinking about his future children.

The time I spent playing sardines in my back yard with the neighbors. Summers spent taking bike trips to get Pepsi slushies and laffy taffy. Ever childhood event and memory will serve to make me a better parent. Hopefully a parent that remembers what it was like to be a kid and encourages my own children to spend the entire day on their bikes and gives them change for Pepsi slushies, even though I know it's incredibly unhealthy.

My Advent is finally about to culminate with the birth of our first child. Hopefully, even the time spent raising this little one will be its own Advent for future siblings still to come.

Thank you Lord, for this season of waiting and preparation for Your Son. Thank you for the miracle of our baby and even for the years of sorrow that we endured as we waited. Thanks for Jesus. And thanks for His mother.


Merry Christmas!

Prayers Answered!

Do you remember me asking you to pray for a baby named James? See here. His mom is a friend of a friend (and now a blogger friend of mine). She and thousands of others have prayed ceaselessly to Archbishop Fulton Sheen to heal her son, who went without a heartbeat for 61 minutes after his birth.

You're not gonna believe this. I found out days ago and I'm still having a hard time believing.

James is healed!

Check out the whole story here.

Thank you Lord, for answering our fervent prayers.

Preparing My Heart and My Home

There are so many theories, opinions, and ideas about how Advent "should" be celebrated. I thought about writing a post on my thoughts on making Advent truly holy, truly a time of preparation for the Incarnation. But the more I tried to finalize my thoughts, the more they eluded me.

There is no special formula, no concrete rules for preparing your heart for Jesus. Outward signs of waiting and anticipation are beautiful-waiting until Gaudete Sunday to put up your tree, keeping the baby Jesus hidden from the Nativity Scenes until Christmas Day-but these are not required. There really isn't a right or wrong way to prepare yourself for Jesus' birth-as long as you're preparing.

That's what I've learned this Advent. Each family has its own unique set of traditions. As long as those traditions point our hearts to Christ-they're beautiful.

I do think it's important to spend as much time (more actually) preparing your heart as you spend preparing your home. This year, for us, that meant holding off on the tree until a little later and spending some extra time praying in front of our Advent Wreath each night. Nothing elaborate. Nothing fancy. Just an attitude of anticipation. An awareness of an impending miracle.

I'm off work this last week of Advent and am going to try to make the most of it. I'm going to prepare my heart by going to daily Mass and confession. I'm going to prepare my home by tackling the ever growing "baby-to-do" list and physically prepare for the arrival of our own miracle child. It is my hope and prayer that as I wash little onesies, pack for the hospital, and get a safety inspection for the car seat my heart and home will become more ready to welcome, not only my own child, but the Christ Child as well.

Welcome!

Our third Christmas tree. They were out of the 7 foot ones :(

Joy beyond my imagination...

All four candles are lit in anticipation.

And what home could truly be prepared for Christ's coming without.......

 Homemade shotgun shell garland!

It's Getting Hard

Thirty-three weeks. Seven and a half months. It's getting hard.

I realize I have been blessed with an incredibly easy pregnancy so far. The first trimester was full of nausea, but no vomiting. We got our happy positive on the second to last day of school, which meant I had the entire first trimester off work. And almost every moment of the second trimester was a blissful, surreal, positively giddy experience.

And it's over.

My back hurts. My legs hurt. My head hurts.

The grinding against my pelvic bone is so intense it causes me to wince and stops me in my tracks.

I've had a nasty, nasty cold for seven straight days now with no end in sight.

The weight gain and big belly that I so proudly boasted of just a few weeks ago are bringing. me. down.

Am I complaining? Absolutely not. Is this hard? Absolutely. This blog is a reflection of my life and I've never felt called to only write about the good things. This is the reality right now. And the reality is hard.

Last night I sobbed inconsolably for nearly 10 minutes because we didn't have any oreos in the house. Ted stopped in the middle of writing his thesis and made the trek (ok-it's only a mile and a half) to Walmart to get me some oreos and milk. Then I spent the rest of the evening feeling like a giant baby for forcing my husband to do something so ridiculous just so I could stop crying. It's just insane to have this much estrogen pulsing through your body!

It's suddenly as if every aspect of my life has become difficult. I get cramps in my legs just trying to get into the car. My contractions are strong enough to wake me up all night long. Getting out of bed to get to the bathroom is more like a gymnastic routine. And darnit, there is just no getting comfortable.

I love reading weekly updates of how big the baby is getting (almost 5 pounds already!!) but the weight gain is starting to get to me. I've gained over 30 pounds-which is a third of my pre-pregnancy body weight. I'm not sure it's possible to increase your body weight by 30% in just seven months and not feel like complete crap.

The first trimester only got easier and easier as time went on. The second trimester got more exciting by the minute as my belly grew and the kicks got stronger. But the third trimester is only getting worse. And yes, I realize it ends with the birth of my child-but the thought of another month and a half/two months of this is daunting, to say the least.

Does this post need a disclaimer? Perhaps. I know some of my readers might be upset that I would say anything negative about being pregnant. I am, after all, pregnant. And that means I'm going to have a baby. And I realize that many women would give their left arm to be in my shoes. I hope it's obvious that I am eternally grateful for the opportunity God has given me. But I'm also a weak, whiny human. And right now I just want to be able to fall asleep at 1:30 in the morning and wake up at 6:30 without a pounding headache and nose full of snot.

I also want to chronicle this pregnancy journey in its entirety. And with complete truthfulness. And while a very small part of me (very, very, very, very small) is grateful for this suffering so that I have more to offer up for my prayer buddy this Advent, mostly it's just hard.

I'm not asking for sympathy. Or pity. Or even prayers really (although those are always appreciated). I'm just getting this off my chest, out of my head, and trying to pass the time until I can fall asleep again.

I love you baby. You are worth it. Every second.

If You're Looking for Coherent Thoughts...

you won't find them here. Not tonight. I've come down with some sort of illness-a cold I guess. I've had a sore throat since Saturday and now it's accompanied by a headache and all over stiffness. No fever...at least not yet.

My office is in a day care and there were two confirmed cases of strep today. I got my butt to my OB and made sure I didn't have it. I don't. Woo hoo!

Ted has confined me to the recliner for the evening and wants me to "relax". This is my fourth attempt at relaxing.

My first attempt was read a book. I just started reading Great With Child and am loving it. It's a collection of letters from a mom to her pregnant friend and it's just beautiful. A very light read, but with some real substance. Even though it's a light read, it was too much for my brain this evening. Next.

My second attempt was to take a nap on the couch. The baby deciding to start a new gymnastic routine and my back started hurting about 30 seconds into it. Fail.

My third attempt was to watch TV. Ha! I should have known. We don't have cable, so I had about 6 channels to choose from. The only thing that looked remotely interesting was The Doctors. Today's theme was common reasons for calling in sick to work. After discussing the color of your snot and location of your rash, they turned to PMS. They took a letter from a viewer that complained of calling in sick every single month on the first few days of her period. Her symptoms? Severe and debilitating cramps, vomiting, constant back ache, and nausea.

What wonderful advice did the OB/GYN give her? What magical cure did this stupid TV show reveal to keep her from having to call in sick you ask? Of all things-ibuprofen!!!! My goodness, I'm sure she was thinking, I never thought to take ibuprofen!! Or try a heating pad. A heating pad?? Genius!

Seriously?? This doctor (a female!) must have never actually had a period like the one the woman described. Or ever seen a woman in person with that type of pain. Those were my exact symptoms for the better part of 12 years. I could have swallowed the entire bottle of ibuprofen and scorched my back until my skin came off. I still would have felt like absolute shit. You know what did help?? Surgery!

I kept waiting for her to say it. "Such severe pain is not normal and is an indicator that something could be wrong. You should see your OB/GYN and ask about what could be causing this." But did she? Of course not. She suggested trying the beloved birth control pill to lighten your periods or getting a magical shot that would stop them all together. No mention of the fact that this woman could possibly be infested with endometriosis that is overtaking her entire reproductive system as she vomits in the toilet every 28-31 days. No mention of trying to get the root of the problem and get her the help she really needs. Nope-just put a little birth control band aid on it and go about your merry way.

It's "doctors" like her that forced me to see almost a dozen different "doctors" in my lifetime before I could get any real information about what was causing my pain. Ibuprofen?? No, never heard of it. So that's what I've been missing!!

Click. No more TV.

So this is my fourth attempt at relaxing. I'll blog myself to health and away from boredom. But those last couple paragraphs probably just made my blood pressure spike, so this doesn't seem to be working either.

Sigh.

Anybody got any other ideas?

Quick Takes (16)

-1-

Work has been crazy!! There is just so much stress and pressure at the end of the semester when you work for a school district. Despite the increased work load, I'm still loving my job! I don't ever dread getting up and going to work. Time (usually) flies by. And I come home with a little bit of energy left and generally in a good mood. What more could you ask for out of a job?

-2-

We met with our doula Monday night! I love, love, love her. She is so knowledgeable, so idealistic, so practical. I know she's gonna work great with us. Have I ever even mentioned that we have a doula?? She is currently in the process of getting certified, so she hasn't attended very many births yet. But that also means she's FREE! We are so, so blessed.

-3-

For the first seven months of my pregnancy I had no idea why the "birthing ball" existed. I could not wrap my head around a possible benefit of sitting on an oversized ball. I already owned a big exercise ball for work (a lot of kids with sensory integration issues love them) so I decided to give it a try. Wow! I had no idea what I was missing. For the first time in a looong time, my back doesn't hurt. I literally sit on the ball and the pain just melts away. I set it at the computer desk and now I just sit, swivel, and rock to my heart's (and back's!) content. Next pregnancy, I definitely won't wait so long to use one!

-4-

Speaking of "next pregnancy".....do any of you pregnant IF readers out there worry about a second already? I'm eternally grateful for this miracle baby, but deep in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "this might be our only chance." I don't dwell on it, but it's definitely there. And it sucks.

-5-

I'm excited about the new Chronicles of Narnia coming out this weekend! I don't think we'll get around to seeing it any time soon though. Anyone else out there big Narnia fans? I've always loved the books and have been very happy with the movies so far. The Dawn Treader was probably my favorite book, so I hope the movie does it justice.

-6-

For the first time in my entire life I am not minding the cold! I really, really hate cold. I think I actually had a bit of seasonal depression when I was younger (not to be confused with those struggling with real, clinical depression-I was just poopy in the winter months). And yes, I know I live in Mississippi and it's not really that cold. But going out to my car in 20 degree weather at 7:00 am used to REALLY bother me. But lately, I haven't minded it one bit. I wish I could attribute this to a growing maturity and a positive attitude about cold weather, but I know it's probably just the result of a ton of extra weight and my own personal four and a half pound space heater rumbling around inside me.

-7-

Quick pregnancy update: I'm 32 weeks. I've gained 30 pounds and my weight gain has really slowed in the last few weeks. The baby moves ALL THE TIME! I love the hiccups. I'm still feeling pretty good, but the third trimester is definitely different from the second. We're now going to the doctor every other week-which is exciting.

Off to buy our Christmas tree! I convinced Ted that we need a 7 foot one this year :)

Thoughts for Thursday (2)

What am I cooking? I made bass cakes (like crab cakes, but with bass) last night. Tonight? Leftovers!

What are my weekend plans? Saturday morning we're helping some friends move out of their house. (Well-Ted is helping. I doubt I'll be much good. I'll probably just play with their adorable little girl.) Sunday we're putting up our Christmas tree! And maybe going to a basketball game.

What are my prayer intentions for the day? For my prayer buddy. For a friend back home who just had her second baby, Sew-who just had her first baby, and another friend who just found out she's pregnant with her second!

What have I done for my marriage this week? I asked Ted what I did to make him feel special this week. He told me that I turned on the lamp in the morning instead of the overhead light, woke him up sweetly before work, and made him dinner every night.

What am I reading? The Reed of God. I fell behind in the book study that Lauren started-but I'm working my way back. WOW! This book is amazing.

What’s challenging me lately? Putting on my socks, getting in and out of my car, making it to the bathroom....

Something that made me think? I talked to someone who is a practicing Jehovah's Witness today about why they don't celebrate Christmas (or Thanksgiving or birthdays). I had never even met a Jehovah's Witness before-so I had lots of questions. She made me think. I especially thought about how people misunderstand Christmas to be about celebrating "Christ's birthday". We're not celebrating the fact that he would have turned 2,011 years old on December 25th.  We're celebrating the fact that God became Man! That the Word was made Flesh!  I think that's a fundamental difference.
 
Happy Friday Eve!

The Best Possible Thing

Every few months or so Ted and I have a conversation about how we can be more productive in our evenings. We're always getting to bed much later than we planned and waking up tired every morning. We're always forgetting that we meant to pay that bill, mail that card, do that load of laundry. Ted never gets as much homework finished as he had planned and I still didn't get around to that list of random things to be done before the baby gets here. Suddenly it's 10:00 and we didn't even get to half of what we intended to accomplish. We're exhausted and barely find the energy to crawl into bed and say our prayers.

The "solution" to this "problem" is always to quit "wasting time" in the evening. We identify blocks of time that are not well spent and promise each other we will help each other do better from here on out.

The main culprit: the after dinner lingering.

The scene: I cook a big meal (or a small one) and Ted helps in every way he knows how. He sets the table as I put the finish touches on my masterpiece (ha!). We sit down, start eating, and don't say much to each other. He's exhausted from a hard day at work and I'm inhaling food and trying not to choke. But right as the last few bites are being taken and the glass of water is being finished off, the conversation starts to flow. We talk about the intricacies of our days, funny events we saw on the news, politics, family, stuff we saw on facebook, last week's homily. Anything and everything.

We put our feet up and sit at the kitchen table just taking each other in. Falling in love all over again with the person we married. Learning more about each other while we nibble at the last few grains of rice in our plates.

The dishes sit, piled up at the sink and waiting to be washed. The stack of bills still needs to be paid. Homework beckons. And that "baby to do" list isn't getting any shorter.

But we don't care. It'll get done. Or not. Either way-we're enjoying each other's company.

Sometimes our conversation will end with me climbing in Ted's lap and kissing on him before we start dishes. He always knows when this is coming, like he reads it on my face, and he pushes his chair away from the table to make room for my ever expanding body to climb in and savor the last few minutes of peace before the busy evening sets in.

Tonight was no exception as we sat and discussed everything under the sun. It seemed to last just a little longer than usual and in the back of my mind I was thinking, "We're only gonna get so many more of these."

Our due date is exactly two months away. And while I know we'll always make family dinners a priority and make an effort to take time for "just the two of us"- I also know it will never be quite the same. The baby will need to be changed. The toddler will need to go to time out. The 7 year old will be late for t-ball practice. That special time of day that occurs between our bellies being full and the dishes getting washed will slip away, or at least change dramatically. And I know I'll miss it. I welcome the diaper changes, the t-ball practices, and even the time-outs. But I'll miss those moments. Those conversations that go on forever without interruption.

I've heard that the best possible thing a mother can do for her child is to love their father.

I'm striving to do the "best" thing in every aspect of this little baby's life. But even if our birth goes horribly wrong and I wind up with more drugs than an addict, breastfeeding is a disaster, I'm forced to send them to world's worst day care, and fail in just about every other area of mothering that exists.....I hope I always remember when I look back, years from now, that I truly did the best possible thing for them.

I loved their father.

My Advent Prayer

Jesus, thank You for Your mother. Make me more like Mary.

Mary, thank you for your Son. Make me more like Jesus.

Advent- More Like Mary Style

Just like every Advent, I want this one to be different. Every year I tell myself that I'm going to really celebrate Christ's birth in a way that will unite me to Him and make me a better Christian. So far, my record is far from impressive.

It's just so dang easy to get caught up with Christmas and completely lose sight of the preparation for Christmas.  Not that purchasing gifts, decorating trees, and baking cookies are bad. Those are all wonderful things. But if those thing cause me to lose sight of what this season is really about, then I've completely missed the point of Christmas.

I'm trying a different approach this year. None of my past approaches seem to have worked-so it can't hurt! This year, I will be focusing on Advent from Mary's perspective.

It's true that Christmas has everything to do with Jesus, the Christ child born in a manger in Bethlehem. My goal for this Advent, and every Advent, is to become closer to Him, honor His wondrous birth, and spread His love with those around me. There is one person, however, who I know can help me with this better than any other.

Mary is the central character is the story leading up to Christmas. She experienced the nativity in a way that no other human can ever experience. Getting to know Mary better this Advent will, no doubt, bring me closer to understanding the mystery of her Son.

One example that helps me to understand this phenomenon is what takes place when I get to know my friends' parents. I grew up in a very small town and went to school with the same 40 classmates for 13 years. I knew them inside and out. I knew their siblings, their dogs, their parents, and even their grandparents. I didn't realize how much this influenced my ability to really know my friends.

When I went off to college I made new friends. I had a bigger pool of people to choose from than the 40 kids in my class and I found friends whom I really clicked with. Our bonds grew stronger and stronger and these new friends quickly became the rocks I depended on to help me navigate my faith. I remember thinking it was odd, however, that I didn't know them outside of college. It was like something was holding me back from truly understanding these new friends, even though I was closer to them than I had ever been to previous friends. It hit me-I didn't know their parents.

One by one I met the parents of my college friends and one by one I started to understand them a little better. I suddenly understood where Lauren got her sense of humor and Jessie got her generosity. I understood where Lindsey got her tenacity and Jolyn got her quirky endearing qualities.  Meeting Ashley's parents helped me to understand her in a way that would never have been possible had I not had that opportunity.  All because I met the men and women who raised these beautiful souls. I better understood my friends, how to relate to them, what made them tick, because I knew their parents.

I think it's the same with Mary. From my experience, many Protestant Christians are worried that a relationship with Mary would somehow overshadow a relationship with Jesus. But when I met and really got to know the parents of my closest friends, our friendships only grew closer. Sadly, Mary's critical role in salvation history is glossed over out of fear that she'll somehow take away from our ability to grow closer to Jesus. But which of my friends would have wanted to keep me from getting to know their parents in an effort to maintain our close friendship? Not a one. And Jesus doesn't either.

So, for this Advent, I'm getting to know Mary. I'm going to let her lead me through the preparations for her Son. I'm going to let her guide me into a deeper relationship with Him. And if I allow myself to hear her message, to see the nativity through her eyes, and to prepare for His coming with her heart, then I will celebrate Christmas morning with a new and profound relationship with her infant Son.

In Thanksgiving

Bonnie encouraged her readers to make a list of things they were thankful on Thanksgiving. I only have so much time to write this before I need to start making pumpkin cookies......so it'll be MUCH shorter than the actual list of blessings in my life.

I am thankful for:

Ted, Ted's sense of humor, the fact that my husband also happens to be my best friend, the comfort that comes with being married in the Catholic Church and knowing it's forever, the fact that Ted got us home safely in the storm last night

My baby, every single squirm and kick, a pregnancy free from complications, the generous gifts given at the baby shower, the advice of wonderful friends/mothers, the support we've received on our decision to cloth diaper and breastfeed, the chance to actually choose to cloth diaper and breastfeed, my growing belly, strangers that ask me when I'm due, Ted's smile when he feels the baby kick, the opportunity to make both of our parents grandparents

My degree, my job, having a job that doesn't stress me out, having a job that doesn't require a commute, being able to help adorable little kids get the services they need, great co-workers, a great boss, a phone finally being put in my office

My health, my NaPro doctor, my regular OB who is more wonderful than I could have hoped for, ultrasound technology, being able to afford all the pregnancy books and classes I want, a husband that supports me in every way possible to have a natural birth

For friends in Mississippi, especially Alisha, for friends in Missouri, for sisters that I enjoy spending time with, for parents that are married and still crazy in love, for two living grandparents, for being part of a big extended family, for the opportunity to be a part of Joan and Charlotte's lives, for Ted getting into his Master's program, for Ted doing so well in his Master's program, having a husband that works harder than anyone I know, being completely debt free!!!, the adorable cradle that Ted's dad is making by hand, having a sister who's a nurse and can answer all my questions

For blogging, the fact the people actually read my blog, for the advice and support I received during our infertility struggle, for the strong Catholic witness that so many offer through the blogs, for confession, for the Eucharist, for weekday Mass, for our Adoration hour, for the universal Church, for Cardinal Burke, for Fr. Schumer, for our wonderful seminarian friends, for Lesterville, for the example Pam and Tony have been to us, for their influence in our lives, for New Year's retreats even though we don't get to go this year, for fun lunches with friends

For growning up Catholic, finding a Catholic husband, for the consistency of the Church's teachings, for the freedom found in obedience, the Saints, the angels, Pope Benedict, Scott Hahn, St. Michael, St, Gianna

For health insurance, life insurance, disability insurance, car insurance, and vision insurance, for the opportunity to afford all those insurances, for monthly paychecks, for our car that runs great and has room for a car seat, the fact that Ted's truck is still kicking

For Thanksgiving dinners, time with family, milk, ice cream, Sonic cranberry limeades, broccoli, fruit pizza, BBQ, Mugshots burgers, and....pumpkin cookies!

Visit Bonnie for more reasons to be thankful!!

We Have A Winner!

Thank you so much to everyone who participated in the giveaway! I loved reading through all the answers and plan to do a summary post soon with all the great advice of becoming more like Mary. (Great idea Elizabeth-you're an expert at these giveaways!)

There were a total of 26 entries (one person commented twice-I didn't miss the last one!) (and Leila-you weren't too late!) and I had Ted pick a number between 1 and 26. I should have known he would pick his favorite number....10!

I was so excited when I saw who the winner was. I thought, "that's perfect!" The winner of one of these beautiful rosaries is someone who has taught me a great deal about the Blessed Mother and what it means to be a Catholic mother in today's world. She is someone that I consider to be a good friend, even though we've never met and most likely never will. She, more than any other blogger, makes me think and evaluate my motives and plans for my life. She serves an example to all those who come across her sweet blog of the kind of love our Blessed Mother has for us and the kind of life that God is asking us to lead, if we only open our hearts in obedience.

If you can't tell from my description, the winner is Abby from Abigail's Alcove!!

(I'll email you details of how to choose your rosary Abby.)

Don't forget that Christmas orders can still be placed through December 8th! And the coupon code MORELIKEMARY will get you 15% off (expires December 1st).

Thanks to everyone who participated! It was fun!

Baby Shower by the Numbers

65....degree weather on a nice, sunny day

2...hours of baby bliss

1....gorgeous little bed and breakfast

226....diapers in the diaper cake

10...minutes that Ted stayed before heading back out to the deer stand

3...colors in every gift: yellow, green, and orange. Gotta love neutrals!

4...great friend from back home



2...proud and skinny aunties

1...glowing "Oma"

1...proud hostess "Grandma"

0...glasses of wine drank by me at the winery after the shower

1...incredibly grateful, abundantly blessed new mommy

My First Giveaway!

Thanks to Melanie at Trendy Traditions, More Like Mary readers now have an awesome opportunity to become more like Mary!

She has graciously donated one of her beautiful rosaries to be given away to one of my lucky readers.  Her website is definitely worth checking out. She's a Catholic mom who has a love for our Blessed Mother and a desire to spread devotion to this beautiful prayer. The website also has some great resources for more information about the Rosary if you're interested. And the best part? Ten percent of all sales go to support some great Catholic charities.

These were a few of my favorites:

Contest Details:

Anyone who has ever commented on a post is eligible (or anyone who has been a quiet "follower").  Just leave a comment on this post answering one of the following questions:

What is your favorite Mystery of the Rosary and why?

What is your favorite title for Mary and why?

What is one thing you've done and would recommend to others to strengthen their relationship to Mary? (this last one has selfish motives...)

The winner will be drawn randomly and posted on Wednesday, November 22. "Entries" will be accepted until midnight on Tuesday, November 23. The winner will be able to choose from any rosary on the website (with the exception of couples and custom rosaries) and the gift includes personalization.

If you're interested in buying a rosary as a gift-get your order in before December 8 and she guarantees shipping in time for Christmas. To get a 15% discount, enter MORELIKEMARY as the coupon code at checkout. (How cool is it that I have my own coupon code???)

Alright-get to commenting!

BIRTH OR NOT??? ***Updated***

Thanks to Cathy for letting us know that this is, in fact, some kind of stunt. (see comments below) My first reaction was "Praise God! A little one's life is not in danger!" immediately followed  by "that's still sick!". If this was done by anyone in the pro-life community, for whatever reason, I'm very dissapointed in them. This is not the way to witness to life and was done in very, very poor taste.

**************************************************************************


This is the sickest, saddest thing I've seen in my entire life. Absolutely appalling on a million levels.  A couple is actually making the decision to either kill their unborn baby or give birth through an Internet vote!

Although "voting" in this poll should never have been an option in the first place-PLEASE go to this website and "vote" for this precious 17 week old child's life to be spared (but unfortunately raised by some crazy parents).

Read the whole story here.

Then go vote here.

The web address makes me cringe. birthornot.com. Birth or Not???

It's like:

I could go get a manicure....or not.
I'd like to rent a movie tonight....or not.
I'm really craving Mexican....or not.
I could give birth to the precious child inside of me that was conceived as the result of my own actions, has a heartbeat, sucks his thumb, kicks me, and is almost at the halfway point to being born.....or not.

Sacred heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.

A Letter to My Baby

Hi Baby,

I love that you're my baby. I love that you're in my belly right now as I type this. I've been sitting in this chair for 15 minutes just watching you kick me and make my tummy jump. Sometimes you move your little feet so slowly across my belly that it seems that you're exploring. Trying to learn as much about me as I'm trying to learn about you. Sometimes I swear you know my hand is there and you're trying to touch it.

Even though your kicks are exactly the same today as they were yesterday, I find myself thinking, "I wish your daddy was here so he could feel you right now." Like he's missing out on something that might not ever happen again. But I know you'll still be kicking when he gets home. And he'll place his hand on my tummy and patiently wait for you to say hi. And he'll smile and be so proud and amazed and excited. Every time.

I wonder how I get to be the lucky one that has you with me every second of the day. Your poor daddy. He misses you when he's at work. But I don't know what that feels like yet. I never miss you.  I'm constantly aware that you're always with me. I hold my tummy and tell you I love you. Sometimes out loud and sometimes just with my mind. I know you hear me.

I think about you all day long. I dream about you at night. Sometimes you're a boy. Most of the time you're a girl. One time you were even black! But I promise that Ted is your daddy and you will come out as white as he is.  Hopefully with the freckles and blond hair too.

It's amazing to me that I had room in my brain to think about all the things you make me think about. My head was pretty full before you got here-but now it is packed to the brim! So many decisions to make. So many things to learn.

Reading about how to take care of you once you get here.
Practicing for labor and delivery so you can come into this world the best and safest way possible.
Educating myself on breastfeeding, babywearing, cloth diapering, vaccinations, circumcision.

I didn't have time in my life for any of that before getting pregnant. But the time just found me. Other things got swept aside. You became the focus. You stole all the time. And you're still only two and a half pounds. Somehow I just know that you'll only continue to steal more time the bigger you get.

I wonder about you. I wonder if you're a boy or a girl. What color your hair is. If you're going to have my eyes or your dad's. If your adorable feet are really as big as they look in the ultrasound picture. And if that really means that you'll be as tall as your daddy.

I wonder if you'll be good at breastfeeding. And if you'll sleep through the night. And if you'll be patient with your untrained, rookie parents.

I wonder if you'll like to fish. What your favorite color will be. What subjects you'll like in school. Whether you'll inherit your dad's patience. Or my passion. Or both of our stubbornness. I wonder if you'll join the military. Or go to college. Get married or become a priest. Become a mother of a family or a religious order.

I wonder if you'll be healthy. Or if you'll have Down's Syndrome or Autism. And I worry a little bit. But not too much because I know that if you do-I will love you no less. Perhaps I'll even love you more. If that's possible.

I can't wait to lay eyes on you. To touch you for the first time. To feel your wet little body against my chest and experience the rush of emotions that I know I can't even begin to imagine right now. I can't wait to see your dad's face when he lays eyes on you for the first time. I can't wait to love him in a whole new way.

You have the best dad in the world. You are so welcome.

Stay put for at least 10 more weeks. 12 would be great. 14 would work just fine too. But no sooner than 10. And definitely no more than 14. We're excited to meet you-but we want you to be grown first.

Good night sweet baby. I love you.
-Mom

2nd Annual Fall Weekend Getaway by the Numbers

Last year Ted and I started an annual tradition of taking a weekend fishing trip in the fall. At the time of last year's trip, we had been through one great year of marriage mixed with one miserable year of infertility. We had finally kicked our regular OB to the curb and were beginning our journey with our new, wonderful NaPro doc. Ted was in his first semester of grad school and I was in my first semester at my first real job. Needless to say-we were stressed. The trip was a surprise and completely planned by Ted. We decided to make it an annual tradition and have looked forward to this year's trip ever since!

Last year at Trace Lake in Tupelo, MS

If last year's trip was designed to get our minds off the stress and sorrow, this year's trip was designed to celebrate our great blessings and have one last hoorah before it's no longer "just the two of us." Here's our weekend "by the numbers."

2.5...hours of driving to reach our destination

1...cozy little cabin in the woods
2...nights spent watching the sunset

25...degrees at night-completely uncalled for cold front!
6...cups of hot chocolate to keep us warm
2... largemouth bass caught on Day 1

0...catfish on a jug line

0...catfish on a trot line

2...more largemouth on Day 2

1.5...books read while watching Ted fish

10,457...gorgeous trees with beautiful fall leaves

3...squirrels seen playing outside our window

1.5...gallons of chex mix eaten by the two of us (OK OK-mostly by me)

1...growing little baby kicking and squirming as mom relaxed

16...attempts to get a decent picture of the two of us

 

1...awesome, relaxing, rejuvenating, romantic, restful, and amazing weekend!

Quick Takes (15)

-1-

Our cloth diapers arrived today!! I found a great deal on Bum Genius 4.0's and couldn't pass it up. They're so cute-I can't wait to put a little booty in them. Ted held one and patted it and said, "I'm gonna like patting his little butt in this."

-2-

Happy Veterans Day to all our Veterans! (one day late) Ted and I went to a play on campus tonight performed by actual Veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars who are from Mississippi. It reminded me how grateful I should be for the sacrifices they make for me. We also baked our neighbor cookies and took them over last night. He served in Iraq last year and is only 22 years old.

-3-

I'm now exclusively wearing Ted's t-shirts to bed.

-4-

I'm STILL wearing my wedding ring!

-5-

I'm having a girl's night with myself tonight. Ted is playing poker and I'm reading blogs and a cheesy Nicholas Sparks book while eating cookies-n-cream ice cream in my pajamas. Bliss.

-6-

I miss my Missouri friends. I can't wait to go home next week and see them. It's been waaaaay too long.

-7-

My quick takes are shallow. Deal.

So Little Time....

There have been so many things I've wanted to post about lately. They've all taken a backseat to some apparent nesting. I've been determined to spend my evenings cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping-three things I don't particularly care for.

A few quick updates:

Ted and I are going to the lake this weekend! He's booked a cabin and we are going to spend the whole weekend relaxing and enjoying being "just the two of us". I'm so excited. He spent over an hour tonight labeling milk jugs that will be used to catch catfish. He even noted how long each line is (8 ft, 10 ft, etc). My guess is because he's going to want to know how far down the fish was that he catches. For no reason other than to satisfy his own curiosity. He's. so. cute. And I think that means he's exciting too.

We had a doctor's appointment today-27 weeks. I'm measuring two weeks ahead, which didn't surprise me because I feel huge for just starting my third trimester. I've gained..........28 pounds. I've now passed up the pound-a-week mark. :) I have to get my RhoGam shot at our next appointment.

I've been doing prenatal yoga and really like it. I'm helping my body "bring life giving oxygen to my baby". Hehe.

I'm pumped that Nancy Pelosi will no longer be holding a gavel.

Anything else?? I'm sure, but I'm gonna go clean the kitchen...

Thoughts for Thursday (1)

I got this idea from here. Join in!

What am I cooking? Homemade baked potato soup. Simmering on the stove as I type this. Yum!

What are my weekend plans? We're going trick-or-treating with the Landry girls tomorrow night. I love trick-or-treating and am so grateful that my friend is letting us tag along. Saturday is another home football game! I might skip out on the actual game, but I will definitely attend the tailgate festivities. Sunday we'll relax because our Bradley class is OVER and we don't have to drive an hour and a half on Sundays anymore!

What are my prayer intentions for the day? For Ann and her babies. For baby James. And that God will help me to "know myself in Christ".

What have I done for my marriage this week? Hmm...I made one of Ted's favorite meals a few nights ago, chicken pot pie, even though it's a lot of work. And I moved the computer out of the office so he can study in peace while I blog :)

What am I reading? Birthing From Within-a very, very different approach to childbirth. I'm trying to approach it from all angles. I also just picked up Interior Castle by Teresa of Avila. I bought it when I was a freshman in college and have started it probably five or six times. I finally made it through the first chapter and have hope of actually going farther this time!

What’s challenging me lately? For the first time in my pregnancy, I've started to worry that I won't be able to do it (give birth that is). I'm trying to find a balance between worrying and being realistic about possible outcomes. Ted's been amazing at helping with this, as usual.

Something that made me think? Is this supposed to be profound? Cause I've got nothin'...Well I guess the first chapter of Interior Castle really got me thinking. It made me think about how well I know myself, how aware I am of my sins, and how far I have to go in my walk with Christ.

Why I Love My Husband (2)

Just look at him. Do I really need to state my reasons??

Ok-just one. I love my husband because he would be slightly preturbed with me if I posted a picture of him holding a tiny little fish without an explanation (and I think that's cute). He's capable of catching much bigger fish. This was his first ocean fishing trip and I assume his first ocean fish. That's what makes it special-not the size.

One more-I love my husband because he catches big fish :)

Nice People At Walmart

I'm very grateful when the guy behind me in line sees me struggling and offers to lift heavy items into my cart.

I'm incredibly appreciative when the cashier asks if I need any help getting to my car.

I'm slightly embarrassed that the reason for said kindness is a weak, pregnant woman trying to lift a 24 pack of ice cold Bud Light.


I promise I'll only be drinking water at the tailgating festivities tomorrow. :)

Pregnancy Update

I'm just three weeks or so from the THIRD TRIMESTER!!! 24 and a half weeks. Crazy.

I'm not really ready for my second trimester to be over. It's been wonderful. No nausea. No backache. I get to eat a ton and can actually handle eating healthy food. My belly is noticed by everyone but not so big that it causes me discomfort. I've heard the second trimester is the "glorious trimester" and for me, it's been nothing but.

I've gained 20 pounds! That's an average of a pound a week every week since we found out we were pregnant! I just read a few nights ago that I should expect to start gaining a pound a week from here out out. Check! I've done that one already! I'm such an over-achiever.

The baby is still kicking like crazy. Sometimes the kicks are up near my belly button but most of the time they're REALLY low. Really, really low. I'm thankful that, for now, my lungs have been left in peace.

Yesterday was the first time that I got kicked so hard it hurt. I've had some uncomfortable kicks-but this one was actually painful. It actually felt bruised for hours after the kick. Ted was touching my belly when it happened so he can attest to its forcefulness. No more of that please, sweet baby. We don't particularly like soccer.

I bought some maternity tank tops and a new bra! I waited waaaaay too long. Why in the world did I not think that wearing a bra that fits was important enough to spend a whole ten dollars on a new one??

I passed my glucose test! And welcomed the opportunity to drink an entire bottle of Sprite guilt free!

My doctor is wonderful. I really, really like him. He always talks with Ted about fishing for the first few minutes of our appointments (I think Ted is probably one of the only guys he sees all day!). He told us he caught some one pound bass out of his ponds last week. A few minutes later he told me the baby should weight about a pound right now. "Just like your bass!" I said. He thought that was pretty funny.  I'm trying to get him to like us so much that he willingly volunteers to come in and deliver our baby even if he's not the doctor on call. No luck so far.....

We only have one Bradley class left! I'm still reading a TON of books and doing my own research online. I'm starting to feel more prepared, but know we have a long way to go.

The current books on the coffee table include:
The Baby Book, Dr. Sears

The Birth Book, Dr. Sears

Nighttime Parenting, Dr. Sears
The Breastfeeding Book. Dr. Sears (can you tell I like Dr. Sears?)

The Birth Partner, Penny Simpkins (awesome, awesome book!)

Natural Childbirth-The Bradley Way, Susan McCutcheon

The Bradley Student Workbook

The Bradley Assistant Coaches Manuel

Books on my Amazon list (that won't stay there for long):

Birthing From Within, Pam England

The Vaccine Book, Dr. Sears

Exercise and relaxation practice is going great. Ted is a fantastic coach. Just amazing. I'm so blessed.

I want to start doing some prenatal yoga. Anyone have any good suggestions? Preferably something without all the weird stuff. Just the exercises.

I'm starting to get really worried about premature delivery. I had what seemed like hours of nightmares last night about about our baby girl being born at 16 weeks, getting put back inside my womb, then coming out again at 26 weeks and having all sorts of problems. (Alisha-she looked just like Charlotte. So pretty!) I'm actually worrying more now that the baby is nearing the point of viability that I was when the baby had no chance outside my womb. One of the kids I work with was born at 25 weeks. That's our baby in only 4 days. I know there is nothing I can do to keep this from happening (besides eating right and staying in shape-which I'm doing) so I'm trying to offer up my fears and let it go. It's not easy. Please stay put little baby.

I've been having Braxton-Hicks contractions! I've actually been having them for weeks and had no idea. For weeks now, I've noticed that my stomach (I guess my uterus really) will suddenly get really hard and make me feel like I have to pee. Sometimes it goes away before I even make it to the bathroom. It happens 5-10 times a day. I thought it was the baby "rolling down onto my bladder" and had no idea it was a contraction. A girl in our Bradley class was asking the instructor about pre-labor contractions. She was trying to figure out if she was having them or not. I pridefully thought to myself, "I don't know how you could miss them-I know I'll be able to tell when I start having them." (yes-I'm a judgemental jerk.) But as soon as she started describing what she felt I said, "Wait-I've been feeling that too!" Our instructor said they were definitely contractions. I felt like such an idiot. And a jerk.

My belly button hasn't started to pop out yet. Ted and I are actually skeptical that it ever will. It kind of looks like it's tacked down from the past surgeries. Wouldn't that be awesome?? A very strange and unexpected perk of requiring two laparoscopies before conceiving!

And now for a bump picture. What you can't see under the shirt is that I don't have any stretchmarks (yet.....) but I'm starting to get that weird line down the center of my belly. And even though it hasn't popped yet, the line has proven once and for all that my belly button is completely off center.

A Mother's Love

"They" (you know-the people that say things) always say that you won't understand how much your own mother loves you until you hold your own baby in your arms. And while I know my baby is not yet my arms, I haven't found that to be true.

I don't know if this post is going to make any sense. But it's dying to come out of me.

There aren't words in the English language nor characters on my keyboard to describe how much I love this little baby growing inside of me. With every kick my love grows tenfold. When I feel a little head (or maybe it's a butt..) bulging out, I lay my hands on my stomach and am just in awe of the fact that there is such little space separating my hand from my baby. I know that she can hear me when I tell her that I love her, because I say it with my soul rather than my mouth. When the baby isn't moving, I just hug my belly with both arms and tell him over and over how much I love him.

How is it possible to love someone that you've never laid eyes on? That you've never heard speak? And not just love them-but love them with an intensity and a passion that you didn't know could even exist in the entire span of human existence.

This may sound very prideful, but I'll venture to say that the moms out there know exactly what I'm talking about. I honestly feel like NO ONE on earth has ever loved ANYONE as much as I love this baby. Ever. The end.

I still don't understand the depth of my own mother's love, because I feel like it's not even possible for her to love me as much as I love this baby. How could she? My love for this baby is so intense, so powerful. Is it really possible that someone could love ME this much? It just doesn't seem so. While I know in my heart and soul that my mom loves me with the same intense love that all mothers love their children with, it's so hard for me to really believe that. For me to believe that any human being could love me this much. I feel as if it's only my baby, the one person in the entire world, who is capable of inspiring so much love in another person.

Is it really possible that my love will increase when they place this tiny bundle on my chest? Can my love really grow stronger than it is right now? I just can't imagine this feeling, this heart wrenching feeling, getting any stronger. It's already stronger and bigger and wider than anything I've ever experienced before.

And if our Father in heaven truly loves us infinitely more than we love our own children-what does that say about God's love for me? I can't even begin to comprehend it.

* I just labled this post "motherhood"!!!  The first of many I'm sure. Thank you Jesus.

My Response

Ok, this is going to be a long one. And I have about a million thoughts. Stay with me.

During the last two weeks I've found myself coming up closer against against the enemy of life. I've found it difficult to keep anger and despair away from my heart as I learn of how much effect the devil is having on the world at this moment. A dear blogger friend wrote a post last week about the lack of assistance she received from Christian families when her daughter was in the NICU. As if I wasn't upset enough just from reading the post-one commenter actually had the nerve to tell her it was her own fault! The rationale was that since this Catholic, stay-at-home mom spends so much time focused on raising her family and not being involved with events outside the home-she has isolated herself and pretty much got what she deserved.

I fumed.

I wrote a hundred counter responses in my head. I wanted to stick up for my friend...but I was running late for work. I emailed her and told her I was going to leave a comment later and that I was going to think and pray about what I should say so it wouldn't be too mean. I told her that I hoped she wasn't upset by the ignorant comment.

But before I could get a response typed out on the post-she emailed me back. "Oh come on Kaitlin. You've got to laugh at the devil when you see him. Let it go." Just like that-she didn't let it get to her. She recognized that the hurtful comment was not of God. She knew her lifestyle was the one that God was calling her to lead. And she let it go. I have so much to learn...

I've also been in awe by the explosion that's gone on at the Bubble in the past week. Leila is preaching the TRUTH and people are angry. [If you're not familiar-it's a blog that teaches about the Catholic faith. Non-Catholics come and leave/answer a lot of questions. Sometimes it gets heated.] I've found myself wanting to chime in, but I'm scared. I'm not that smart. I might not be able to back up all my points. What if someone attacks me? What if I get made fun of? What if someone comes over to MY blog and starts to question me the way they question Leila? So I kept quiet. I read along with every single post and silently cheered my friends on. Silently.

So even though I've found myself coming up against some evil forces lately-what has my approach been? To let it bother me. To get mad about it. To silently cheer on those who are fighting the fight of faith.

0 for 3. Nice.

Last week's Sunday readings really spoke to me. In his letter to Timothy, St. Paul writes,"I remind you to stir into flame the gift of God that you have through the imposition of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control. Do not be ashamed of your testimony to our Lord...but bear your share of hardships for the gospel with the strength that comes from God." (How does St. Paul know me so well??)

And in the gospel, Jesus tells us, "Increase your faith."

Is my faith increasing? Am I ashamed of my testimony to the Lord? Am I willing to bear my share of hardships? Do I recognize the strength I have from God?

Last Sunday, it was very clear to me that a test was coming. The events (both those I've listed, and numerous others) of last week that lead up to my hearing the words of those readings were not coincidence. I knew a test was coming. I prayed for strength.

This blog has taken a completely different turn from when I started writing it. I thought it was just going to be for friends and family. I had no idea that strangers in blogland would actually take interest in what I had to say. I had no idea that friends and family would actually continue reading. It's way bigger than I ever imagined it would be. I realize now that I have NO idea who is reading this. I know certain family members have told me they're reading. I know that there are 74 people who are "followers". I know that my blog stats say that 200-400 people are coming to my site when there's a new post.

That's a lot of people to piss off. That's a lot of opinions that are different from mine. That's a lot of potential hardship to bear.

For whatever reason, I joined in on one of the recent arguments at the Bubble. I could no longer remain silent. I could no longer silently support those defending life and treat the conversation as merely a learning tool for my own knowledge. I leaped.

But it still wasn't on MY blog. How many of my family and friends are actually reading the Bubble? How many of them will ever know that I commented over there? My guess is-not many. That was comforting to me.

But I knew it wasn't enough. The whole "easy to be a missionary in a foreign land, harder in your home country" kind of thing-only blog style. God was telling me to do more.

As I left comments on the Bubble, I received emails from dear blogger friends encouraging me. People telling me that I made a good point and that I said it well. They cheered ME on. And not silently.

And my mom said something to me today that really blew me away. She's giving a talk at a retreat later this month about Christian leadership. She's using me and my blogging as an example of how to "lead". She's going to tell the retreatants that I share my faith on my blog with anyone who reads it.

Yes, my mom. My mom who doesn't even agree with many of the beliefs I hold and profess. She recognizes that this is a forum for me to stand up for what I believe in. A possible opportunity for me to "lead" others.

If she only knew how much I was holding back. If she only knew how much courage I lack when it comes to wanting to post about certain topics. If she only knew that her fearless leader was a coward most of the time.

So it stops today. I'm no longer going to stop and consider who is reading this when I sit down to write. I'm not going to worry that I'll offend a family member, an in-law, a random classmate from high school, a close friend, a stranger just following along. I will not be ashamed of my testimony to the Lord.

Specifically, the "controversy" surrounding the last two weeks has been regarding the rights of the unborn. Human life begins at conception. I'm sure most of my readers would agree with that assertion, because I think most of them are Catholic or Christian.

We must do everything we can to protect that life. That brand new, incredibly vulnerable life. If you believe that life begins at conception, then a certain amount of other beliefs must follow.

Obviously, abortion is completely immoral.

Embryonic stem-cell research is never ok, no matter what kinds of outcomes may result. It kills human life. Period.

In-vitro fertilization is a crime to millions of unborn babies. "Selective reduction"-killing off "extra" babies or killing babies that may have some sort of defect. Keeping human beings frozen indefinitely. It's evil. It's worse. It's evil under the guise of good.

Birth control pills kill human life. They primarily work by suppressing ovulation, but that only works part of the time. The other times they make the lining of the uterus unable to support the tiny embryo. So you conceive a baby and it dies in your womb without you knowing it. You're just as much a parent as I am. Your children have siblings they will only meet in heaven. How often does this happen? Often. (Yes, I realize I should cite sources here. But this post is not primarily about birth control. That is for another day. But a quick google search will tell you about the four function of the pill.)

Those are some pretty counter-cultural truths. Sometimes I so surrounded by people who think and believe the way I do (thank God!) that I forget people don't understand those. But the events of the last two weeks have reminded me otherwise. I'm counter-cultural. I'm on the "fringe of society." My views make people uncomfortable and mad. And I am just going to have to live with that.

I don't know how to end this post exactly. I usually like my posts to have a solid introduction and wrap up nicely at the end, but this post has just been a stream of thoughts coming out of my head almost faster than I can type. So I'll guess I'll just end it.

"Increase your faith."

Crippled

I've been battling this crippled feeling for the last few days. Sometimes the culture of death is too much to handle. A combination of events have left me feeling defeated and bordering on hopeless.

The creator of IVF being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

The California blogger who is planning an abortion on Friday and the hundreds of commenters who are supporting her decision.

Thinking about the millions of babies who are living in frozen little petri dishes as I type this.

Thinking about the millions of babies who kicked their mommies just like mine is kicking me, but were still denied the chance for life.

Sometimes it just weighs on me. Sometimes I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes I feel like I'm in such an increasingly small majority of people who understand that LIFE is a gift that we will soon cease to exist.

But I know in my heart that won't happen. I know that the devil would want nothing more than to see the spread of his culture of death AND the despair of those still fighting for life. I won't let him have his way.

I will not be hopeless. I will not be crippled. I will pray harder. And speak louder. And love more.

I will fight death with love. And I have a lot of love to give.