Hurt

Yesterday was a bad day. A very bad day. Without going into too much detail on this oh-so-public forum, Ted got another rejection on a job that would have been perfect for him. He was the "second" choice. That's the fourth time he's been "second". But who's counting?

And I'm really struggling. And I can't find balance.

Balance between being thankful for what I have and mourning what's still missing.

Balance between blogging about the good things in my life and being fake about the hurt and fear that looms over my head.

Balance always eludes me.

It's not that he didn't get the job. (well, it is I guess). It's a dream shattered. A plan dashed. We were so close. A tiny little house. Maybe a yard big enough for a garden. A husband with a job. A bedroom for our daughter. We allowed ourselves to hope. To daydream. To get excited.

And just like that-it's over. We're stuck in our month-by-month too small apartment playing role reversal while I go to work all day and Ted plays Mr. Mom.

He's a wonderful stay-at-home dad. Absolutely wonderful. And I'm a good therapist. It's not that. It's just not what we feel called to do. He wants so badly to work and I want so badly to be with Hannah.

This plan was supposed to be temporary. In a single day it's gone from temporary to indefinite.

And I didn't expect the pain of infertility to come flooding back the way it did. That old familiar feeling of wanting something so badly. Something good! Something honorable! And not being able to do anything to make it happen. Coming to the cold, harsh realization that God's plan isn't the same as yours. And your mind tells you that His plan is better, but your heart just cries and cries.

Of course it's different than waiting for Hannah. She's here. And she's powerful balm for a hurting soul. But not being able to provide her with the kind of life we know she deserves is a completely new wound. And I haven't found the healing balm for that one yet.

And it just sucks to not get what you want. As whiney as that sounds. It just sucks.

And of course I realize that this is an opportunity to prove my trust and faith in God's plan for our life. But I'm so full of hurt and anger that I can't get to trust and faith. I will. But not now. Didn't I already prove that? Didn't I faithfully wait for two years for that sweet angel sleeping in the next room? What? That wasn't enough? He wants more?? Sigh.

But that was yesterday. And after I drug myself out of bed this morning and realized that it wasn't all a bad dream and there's no one popping out to say we're on candid camera, things slowly got better.

Healing came in the form of 16 ounces of Pepsi from a sweet little three year old. And a nice talk with a 59 year old friend. A fitting passage from a blogger well versed in her Bible. And an explosive diaper that ended up in her hair and had us laughing and working as the well oiled team we've always been. And this:

The two of them, a beautiful lake, and a sunset can make anything seem better.

Tonight, I'm counting my blessings. A husband who is better than I deserve. Better than anyone deserves. A rock solid marriage. A daughter that...I can't even being to describe how perfect she is. A warm place to live. Supportive friends. A family that loves us. Enough money for food. A steady source of income.

It really is so much. 

It doesn't take away the hurt. But it makes the hurt more bearable.

"No trial has come to you except what is human.  God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it."  1 Cor 10:13