Wean

is definitely a four letter word.

We're on day four of stopping cold turkey. And I'm crying waaay more than she is.

Abruptly stopping nursing is one of those things I said I would never ever do unless I was hospitalized with a deadly disease or something. But here we are-seventeen months old-eating my words.

My milk has been gone for five weeks now-it disappeared just five days after conception and never made a reappearance. And although Hannah has held on strong-she is definitely not getting what she wants. She requests nursing all the time but then is frustrated and angry when she doesn't get any milk. She's become very clingy and whiny and nursing doesn't help like it used to, it only makes it worse. And then there's sleep. And my extreme need for a good night's sleep with the exhaustion of this pregnancy. And the only way that Ted can put her back to sleep when she wakes up is if she forgets the boob was ever a possibility.

So we stopped. And I just say no when she asks. And it's so, so hard. She's a champ. And easily distracted by an endless supply of blueberries and puffies (another thing I said I'd never do...). I think weaning off the puffies might actually be harder than weaning from nursing. And when she hurts herself I just kiss her and hug her and give her more puffies. And at naptime I just tell her I love her and lay her in her crib. She cries for about four seconds. I cry for about 40 minutes.

I know it's best. I know it is. But I hate it. Although it would seem like this is the worst time to do this-with her whole little world being upside down and sleeping in a different crib every other week-it's actually working out to our favor. She doesn't see her nursing chair in the living room all day long. She has lots of new toys to distract her. And if everything about her life is going to be different overnight-might as well do everything at once.

Ted has to constantly remind me why we're doing this. He can see it from a different perspective. He knows how much it is starting to hurt me and drain me and cause me frustration. He can see that Hannah isn't getting what she wants. And he ever so gently reminds me that I now have two babies to take care of, even though one cannot be seen.

It just wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be so natural and easy and gradual. "Child-led weaning" right?

I just can't stop crying. I put her to bed tonight for the first time because Ted is at a meeting. I sang her all the songs I usually sing but standing up instead of in the rocker. And I sang them through tears. And she didn't even ask to nurse. In fact, I think she only asked one time today. One. When the girl used to nurse anywhere from five to 12 times just four days ago. And she didn't cry when I laid her down. Instead of my arms and breasts to comfort her, she had her baby doll.

She's too big. Someone please stop time. I love all the new things she's doing. I love seeing her grow and learn and change. But right now I just want my baby back. To hold her and rock her and nurse her as long as she'll let me. And the thought that I'll never get to do that again is paralyzing.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who gets this upset about weaning. And if you aren't already too busy praying for our house to be fixed and for us to find a place to live, could you pray for this situation too? Not for Hannah-she's really just fine. For me.