Changing the Bar

I always hear moms talk about "lowering the bar". Referring to letting some (all....) of your standards go when parenthood is exceptionally challenging. I've used the phrase plenty of times when describing my parenting style after Paul was born. BP (Before Paul) I let Hannah watch about an hour of TV per week. AP, I lowered the bar to about a half hour a day. Then to two half hours a day. Then to one half hour show and one hour long show. Then the bar just fell through the floor and I stopped keeping track of how much TV she was watching and just turned it on thanking Jesus for the blessing that is Barney.

So I've done my fair share of bar lowering and I've wrestled with the guilt that accompanies it, as I'm sure every mother has. Motherhood for me is like a constant mental marathon. Am I feeding her enough protein? Should I get rid of these baby books so she's more challenged by other ones? Have I been babbling enough with Paul? It seems like he's babbling less than he used to. How can I encourage her to improve her speech without pissing her off? How can I get her to eat more vegetables? Ugh, we can't afford this probiotic anymore. Is Paul's gut going to suffer forever because of me? Am I ruining my baby because of the sucralose in these gas drops that don't even seem to help? Is Hannah going to remember this day when she's older and how much I yelled at her?

And so on and so forth. Despite my best efforts to do my own thing, it's constant comparison around here. And I don't even compare myself to a real person most of the time. I compare myself to "that mom". The one who gets new library books every single week and plays classical music every day and prepares every meal from organic, whole foods and eats off plates that aren't plastic and filled with chemicals and never lets her kids watch TV and instead provides enriching and educational activities every hour of the day and somehow manages to do waaaaay more than I do on our budget and would never dream of leaving the potty chair sitting in the shower for five straight days without taking some serious antibacterial wipes to clean out that poop..... But I've never met that mom. I know she doesn't exist. But she's still in my head. Not so gently nagging me about all the things I'm screwing up on a daily basis.

I do know plenty of real moms who put me to shame with their culinary skills or their educational activities. But they don't outdo me in every area. (Not that it's a contest, blah blah blah, I know and I get it.)  I have my strengths and they have theirs.

And yes, there are legitimate times when the bar of acceptable motherhood needs to be lowered for survival's sake. But instead of beating myself up about letting Hannah eat another chocolate chip or watch a third (fourth, fifth.....) episode of Curious George, maybe I should change the bar completely.

What if I started measuring my success as a mother by how many times a day I prayed with Hannah instead of how many vegetables I can sneak into her food. What if I worried more about getting to daily Mass instead of getting to the library. What if I took the dozen opportunities a day to sit and nurse Paul to pray for him and sing to him instead of closing my eyes and turning my brain off.

I need to hold myself to a very high standard of motherhood. Feeding my kids healthy food and providing them with educational activities is important. Very important. But if they don't know Jesus, then what will it even matter? If I nourish their minds and their bodies with the very best I can give, but I don't nourish their souls...then I will have failed at the greatest task of my life. Instead of feeling guilty at the end of the day for how much the TV was on or the crappy meals I managed to scrape together, I need to reflect on the times I remembered to say morning prayers with Hannah, or blessed Paul with holy water, or made the sign of the cross together as we passed a church. I need to stop yelling at my toddler and pray with her instead. Not because I want to be like other moms who don't yell at their kids, but because my kid is a precious and beautiful gift from God and she deserves a mother who treats her as such.

This new bar is still set pretty low. I'm not shooting for a daily family rosary or Mass five days a week. I just want to weave more prayer into the day. More patience. More peace in my home.

My patron saint for 2013 is Mary, Queen of Peace. I need to look to her as an example of the kind of mother I want to be, not my facebook friends. I still need to set the bar for motherhood and raise and lower it according to our circumstances, but I've got to find a totally different bar than the one I've been using.



Mary, Queen of Peace, pray for me!