Our Beautiful Baby

We had our fetal assessment ultrasound done on September 8th (19 weeks). Every time I see that precious, tiny human on the screen it takes my breath away. I just have to share.

S/he's smiling!! We watched as she played with her tiny little and sucked on her fingers. We saw her tongue move and then her mouth turn into this amazing little smile. I think it looks like she's laughing. Laughing for joy in her content little home.

This is his beautiful face staring at us. It's kind of hard to get past the fact that he looks like an alien, but beautiful nonetheless. And check out that huge belly! It's as big as his momma's!

Looooong legs just like daddy! I love this one because it shows how cramped he already is inside my womb. It's the most amazing thing for me to realize that that precious little foot is the same one that I feel kicking me throughout the day. Ted thinks the foot looks really big compared to his leg and is hoping that's a sign that he's gonna be a basketball player.

Precious little footprint. We know for sure the baby has inherited at least one of my characteristics-the freakishly large gap between my big toe and the rest of my toes. That definitely wasn't the trait I wanted to pass on....

When the doctor walked in and saw us looking at the roll of pictures (that was at LEAST as tall as Ted) he said, "Wow, I don't think I've ever seen someone get that many pictures." I had to laugh because the ultrasound girl is the same one that did all of our infertility follicle study ultrasounds. I guess we're getting star treatment now :) That's a "perk" of infertility I didn't expect!

My Seeking Friend

I have a real-life friend who blogs! And it's incredible. I sometimes wonder if she thinks I'm crazy because I comment on every post, sometimes within moments of her publishing it. (And sometimes I leave the window open and come back to it hours later to comment, just so she doesn't know how much of a stalker I really am.)

She's a Catholic wife and mother of one. An English teacher. The most reflective person I have ever known. And a beautiful writer.

If any of those characteristics are of interest to you, then you should check out her blog.

And it was this post that inspired me to write this plug for her amazingness. Seriously. good. stuff.

Me sitting at her feet, soaking up the wisdom over four years ago.

More on the New Normal

In my last post I mentioned that this pregnancy was beginning to feel normal. It's still amazing and exciting and mind-blowing, but increasingly normal.

I don't know when this shift occurred but I think I know what caused it. When my bump finally got big enough for strangers to notice, my entire day starting reflecting my pregnancy. As if this miracle could ever be far from my mind, I now have people constantly reminding me (through their questions, comments, and stares) that I'm pregnant.

Every time I eat something I think. "How much protein does this have?" and am making a mental recording in my head.

To get in all the squatting I'm supposed to do for my childbirth exercises, I'm squatting for 10 seconds every time after I go to the bathroom. (Which is FREQUENT!)

I wake up with my hand on my belly and go to sleep with Ted's hand there.

Every part of my day is, in some way, filled with pregnancy.

And it's good. It's not too consuming. It's not taking away from our marriage, only enhancing it. It's not keeping me from getting my job done or fulfilling my obligations at home. It's......normal. (I bet you know I was going to say that didn't you?)

But one thing that I wasn't anticipating was how my "normal" pregnancy could hurt others. I knew that getting pregnant might cost me some blog followers. I'm perfectly fine with that-I didn't read every pregnant gal's blog when I was trying to get pregnant. But I don't feel guilty about blogging my excitement for this miracle of life.

(Because first of all, it IS a miracle and deserves to be celebrated with excitement. Secondly, no one is forced to read my blog and if my gushing causes someone pain they can come and go as they wish. And lastly, my real-life family and friends read this-not just blogger friends-and many have told me that they enjoy my pregnancy updates.)

But it's different when it's a real friend. Blogger friends can just move on to the next blog. Real friends are stuck with me. And I have several beautiful friends struggling with miscarriage and other fertility issues right now.

Call me crazy, but I never thought that would happen. In our little "circle of friends" I just figured that Ted and I pulled the only crappy fertility card in the deck and that no one else would have to deal with it. I thought we did enough suffering and waiting for our baby to cover everyone. It blew my mind when I found out that one of my closest and dearest friends was now dealing with the sadness of a miscarriage and the stress of all the testing that comes with it. (Thank God she has a wonderful NaPro doctor!)

Going home for my baby shower meant seeing this friend, and a few others, who are dealing with things that I wouldn't wish upon anybody. I wasn't prepared for this.

When I asked one friend how her weekend had been, she told me she had to go to baby shower (not mine) in a voice that told me EXACTLY how she felt about it. Oh, I've been there. Oh, how I understand her pain. And at the same time, I was of no help. Because I had my own baby shower on the exact same day that she had to suffer through someone else's. I could relate-but only in the past tense.

I had to consciously think about keeping my hands off my belly when the baby kicked, so I wouldn't draw attention to it and risk making them sad. (and I don't think I did a very good job of this.) I had to portray that I was beyond thrilled for the miracle inside of me, while still being sensitive to the miracles they're still waiting for.

Now don't get me wrong. These friends would NEVER try to make me feel guilty for our blessing or want me to keep my excitement in. When someone excitedly asked me if I was pregnant in front of my closest friend, I responded, "Yes we are! We're very, very grateful and excited." But I left it at that. I smiled, but didn't gush. I thanked them, but didn't offer more information on the due date, chosen names, etc. I knew that my friend wouldn't want me to say any less than I did. And that she actually wouldn't be offended if I said more. But it still hurt to even answer the question.

This same friend was the very one who, in the exact same phone conversation that she told me about her miscarriage, spent at least 15 minutes asking me questions and rejoicing over our pregnancy. [But she is of saintly virtue-canonizeable really. So don't feel bad if you couldn't do the same.] She was also the first person I ever told about our infertility struggle, and she knew months before anyone else did.

I don't really know what my conclusion is to all of this. I don't want to hide my excitement for the miracle God has blessed us with.  But I don't want my excitement to be a source of pain for those who are so dear to me. I pray for them, offer them advice when I have it, and will rejoice more than anyone they know (except for maybe their husbands) when they are finally blessed with a healthy pregnancy. I hope that's enough.

Overdue Update

I can't sit down and write a blog post until the house is clean and most of the chores are done for the evening.  That explains the lack of posting lately....

But right now everything is in its place except for all the new gifts we got from the shower. Those don't really have a place yet-so I guess I'm forced to blog despite the messy pile of gifts sitting next to me. What a great problem to have :)

The shower was wonderful! It was thrown by Ted's mom and sisters and included the aunts and cousins on his side of the family. My side of the family and most friends will be later.

I thought I would be overcome with emotions. I was sure I would cry. I wasn't sure it would really feel like MY shower. But when the time came, I didn't really experience any of those. It just felt....natural. Surreal, but natural. That is how this pregnancy is beginning to feel. Like it's normal to be pregnant. Like I'M normal to be  pregnant. Weird, but.....normal.

I'm catching strangers glancing at my belly and smiling. Co-workers I don't really know are noticing and boldly asking when I'm due. I find myself touching my stomach all day long and savoring every sweet little movement. Ted and I are getting into a routine with our pregnancy exercises (he's a wonderful coach-I need to write a whole post dedicated to his amazingness.) And life is rolling right along. I'm just in shock that it feels so....normal!

Here are some pictures from the shower. My sister-in-law really went crazy with the decorations. She's so talented.

K8 Made little birdies. (Handmade by Kate)

Me and the babe.

The baby's cousins "helped" me open gifts :)

Ted arrived from fishing just in time to load the gifts into the car.

And was very excited to see our new fish onesie (also K8 Made)

I have one more pic to post but blogger keeps turning it sideways. And Ted is on his way home from (what else?) fishing. I'll have to finish this update (which will include new ultrasound pics!) another time.

Suffice it to say that the shower was amazing. It felt so great to drive home with a car seat and stroller in the back of the car. It's finally staring to feel like the "three of us".

Hello Misouri!

No time for a Quick Takes today. We're off to Missouri for the weekend! The weekend will be spent with lots of family and friends, enjoying a reunion in the beautiful hills of Missouri wineries, and at a BABY SHOWER!!

I'm still in disbelieve that I'm on my way to my own baby shower......

Have a great Labor Day weekend everyone!

Dad's First High Five

I'm 18 weeks today. Last night our baby book said that I "may feel the first movements of the baby sometime this week". I had to laugh. Our little all-star has been squirming around for over three weeks now!
It still just feels like bubbles and tickles-no major jabs yet. This afternoon it tickled so much that I actually laughed out loud. But then tonight it started to feel different. It felt more like pounding from the inside. More like an actual kick.

Ted's been asked by several friends and family members if he's felt a kick yet. He's been saying, "No, it'll probably be a month or more before I get to feel it." Or so we thought...

Tonight I was sitting in the recliner relaxing while Ted was on the computer looking up ways to fix something on my car (something I probably don't even know needs fixing). I felt a few strange movements and asked him if he wanted to try to feel the baby. I still hadn't even felt it from the outside at this point. He said he did and started walking towards me. Before he even got to me, I noticed a bulge in my belly on the lower left side. Definitely something new! He saw the bulge too and put his hand on it.

And just like that: Wham!

Dad's first high five.

He didn't say anything or move his hand so I thought he hadn't felt it. I said, "Did you feel that?" and he didn't respond right away. I assumed he was being quiet so he could try again. But after a pause he said, very matter-of-factly, "I just felt my baby move for the first time. I have chills." As if he had to convince himself of what just happened.

And then the little bulge disappeared and the kicks returned to light tickles. Just like that.

I'm elated! Head over heels excited and in awe of the miracle that is squirming inside me!

I know most dads have to try many times before they finally feel a good kick. I've heard so many stories of babies moving like crazy and then being completely still as soon as dad lays his hands on the tummy. I was fully prepared for this frustration. But it was as if our baby heard Ted coming and decided to put on a show.

Little bean has been doing everything ahead of schedule and I'm so grateful. We heard the heartbeat earlier than expected. I felt her sweet movements in my fourteenth week. And now this! At this rate our kid will ride a bike when she's two, graduate high school when she's twelve, and cure cancer by the time she moves out of the house! I just hope she isn't born early!

Spiritual Boquet

For all our Sisters in Christ who are in the midst of their journey with infertility, loss, and adoption...please know you have our continued support, love, and prayers!