A Few More Smatterings

Apparently 7 Quick Takes just isn't enough to get everything out of my head and out into blogworld. Here are a few more of those swirling thoughts:

-8-

The twinge is gone. That twinge I felt every single time I heard a song on the radio that mentions having kids or watch a movie that shows a pregnant woman. It used to hurt so badly, not knowing if that would ever be me.  Ted made me a CD once with a Jason Aldean song called "Laugh Until We Cry." That last verse includes the lyrics: "We tried so long we almost gave up hope. I remember you coming in and telling me the news. Oh man, we were livin'. Going crazy in the kitchen. We danced and screamed and held each other tight. We laughed until we cried." It hurt so badly I would skip the song every time. Ted eventually remade the CD without that song on it for me. But now, it's gone. I can't say that it's been replaced with this overwhelming joy and excitement every time I hear lyrics like that. I actually have no reaction at all to them. This is probably what the average person feels when listening to these types of songs. "Oh, that's nice" but no major emotional outburst of any kind. It's nice to have a chance to get off the roller coaster for a while.

-9-

I forgot to mention what my very first reaction was to discovering the pregnancy test was positive. (My second was about time with Ted). About 10 seconds of complete and utter shock ensued, followed by the thought "I can't believe it was that easy".  I almost laughed at myself after I thought that. Now, I know there are two different perspectives on this. Those that have never dealt with infertility probably look at my story and say, "wow-they did so much," but those who are still struggling with IF probably say, "that's hardly a struggle." Either way, it was hard. It was very hard. Two surgeries, hundreds of blood draws, dozens of ultrasounds, tons of different medicine, fighting with insurance companies, forking over insane amounts of money, driving three hours to see our doctor, timing intercourse no matter what kind of mood you're in. No-easy was not the word I would use to describe it. But now that's it's over, I can't believe we didn't have to do more. I can't believe God let us off that easy and answered our prayers so quickly. I actually felt completely unworthy looking at that test. Unworthy of a gift that I haven't worked hard enough to receive. I definitely had a lot of fight left in me. I definitely thought God was going to push me to my breaking point. But He didn't. He blessed us after only two years of trying. I still can't believe it was that easy.

-10-

I wrote a post a while back on cycle day 1 and mentioned this song by David Crowder. It's called "Never Let Go" and I listened to it over and over again to get me through the pain of another failed cycle. Now that we're pregnant, I can't stop listening to it again. I play it in the car over and over and over while I'm driving and sing it at the top of my lungs. When I was hurting I clung to certain lyrics:

You never let go......When hope takes flight.......When hope has flown......You never let go.....In joy and pain, in sun and rain, You're the same, You never let go.

I was losing hope. I needed a reminder that God was never going to let go of me, never abandon me to my hopelessness. He was there in the pain and in the rain. He wasn't going to let go.

And now that my hopes have been realized, I'm listening to the song in a different light. He's there in my joy and in my sun. He's not letting go of me even though my prayers have been answered. He's still there. He's still the same.

As weird as this is, I think I subconsciously thought my prayer life would improve when I got pregnant. As if the reason I found it so hard to pray was that my prayers weren't being answered and I wasn't able to fulfill what I thought was my role in this life. I naively assumed that things would change after receiving this miracle. But you what? Nothing has changed. I still have the exact same struggles with prayer that I did two weeks ago. I can't suddenly spend my entire Adoration hour in perfect union with God thanking Him for the beautiful gift He's given me. It's the same struggle of fighting to stay awake, letting my mind wander off to other things, and trying to stay focused on God. And as I reflect on this now, I realize that's exactly the way it should be.

God is the same. He hasn't changed just because I now have a life inside of me. He's never changed and He never will. I'm the one who needs to change. I'm the one who needs to put more effort into prayer. This little baby may be a miracle, but she isn't a miracle worker. And oddly, I take great comfort in knowing that God's still the same, He's not going to let go of me, and He's here for the joy and sun as much as He was here for the pain and rain. Because He was definitely there for the pain and rain.