In my last post I mentioned that this pregnancy was beginning to feel normal. It's still amazing and exciting and mind-blowing, but increasingly normal.
I don't know when this shift occurred but I think I know what caused it. When my bump finally got big enough for strangers to notice, my entire day starting reflecting my pregnancy. As if this miracle could ever be far from my mind, I now have people constantly reminding me (through their questions, comments, and stares) that I'm pregnant.
Every time I eat something I think. "How much protein does this have?" and am making a mental recording in my head.
To get in all the squatting I'm supposed to do for my childbirth exercises, I'm squatting for 10 seconds every time after I go to the bathroom. (Which is FREQUENT!)
I wake up with my hand on my belly and go to sleep with Ted's hand there.
Every part of my day is, in some way, filled with pregnancy.
And it's good. It's not too consuming. It's not taking away from our marriage, only enhancing it. It's not keeping me from getting my job done or fulfilling my obligations at home. It's......normal. (I bet you know I was going to say that didn't you?)
But one thing that I wasn't anticipating was how my "normal" pregnancy could hurt others. I knew that getting pregnant might cost me some blog followers. I'm perfectly fine with that-I didn't read every pregnant gal's blog when I was trying to get pregnant. But I don't feel guilty about blogging my excitement for this miracle of life.
(Because first of all, it IS a miracle and deserves to be celebrated with excitement. Secondly, no one is forced to read my blog and if my gushing causes someone pain they can come and go as they wish. And lastly, my real-life family and friends read this-not just blogger friends-and many have told me that they enjoy my pregnancy updates.)
But it's different when it's a real friend. Blogger friends can just move on to the next blog. Real friends are stuck with me. And I have several beautiful friends struggling with miscarriage and other fertility issues right now.
Call me crazy, but I never thought that would happen. In our little "circle of friends" I just figured that Ted and I pulled the only crappy fertility card in the deck and that no one else would have to deal with it. I thought we did enough suffering and waiting for our baby to cover everyone. It blew my mind when I found out that one of my closest and dearest friends was now dealing with the sadness of a miscarriage and the stress of all the testing that comes with it. (Thank God she has a wonderful NaPro doctor!)
Going home for my baby shower meant seeing this friend, and a few others, who are dealing with things that I wouldn't wish upon anybody. I wasn't prepared for this.
When I asked one friend how her weekend had been, she told me she had to go to baby shower (not mine) in a voice that told me EXACTLY how she felt about it. Oh, I've been there. Oh, how I understand her pain. And at the same time, I was of no help. Because I had my own baby shower on the exact same day that she had to suffer through someone else's. I could relate-but only in the past tense.
I had to consciously think about keeping my hands off my belly when the baby kicked, so I wouldn't draw attention to it and risk making them sad. (and I don't think I did a very good job of this.) I had to portray that I was beyond thrilled for the miracle inside of me, while still being sensitive to the miracles they're still waiting for.
Now don't get me wrong. These friends would NEVER try to make me feel guilty for our blessing or want me to keep my excitement in. When someone excitedly asked me if I was pregnant in front of my closest friend, I responded, "Yes we are! We're very, very grateful and excited." But I left it at that. I smiled, but didn't gush. I thanked them, but didn't offer more information on the due date, chosen names, etc. I knew that my friend wouldn't want me to say any less than I did. And that she actually wouldn't be offended if I said more. But it still hurt to even answer the question.
This same friend was the very one who, in the exact same phone conversation that she told me about her miscarriage, spent at least 15 minutes asking me questions and rejoicing over our pregnancy. [But she is of saintly virtue-canonizeable really. So don't feel bad if you couldn't do the same.] She was also the first person I ever told about our infertility struggle, and she knew months before anyone else did.
I don't really know what my conclusion is to all of this. I don't want to hide my excitement for the miracle God has blessed us with. But I don't want my excitement to be a source of pain for those who are so dear to me. I pray for them, offer them advice when I have it, and will rejoice more than anyone they know (except for maybe their husbands) when they are finally blessed with a healthy pregnancy. I hope that's enough.
Back when I was working and struggling to conceive, I worked for a woman (also a friend) who was in her early 40s and was trying to conceive. She had suffered three miscarriages in five years. She announced she was expecting and had a baby while I was working for her -- meanwhile all my treatments were at that time failing miserably. I still can't imagine being jealous of her; my sorrow was a separate thing.
ReplyDeleteI guess we all deal with infertility grief differently. And, I don't ever want to judge another woman's grief, but I was just so happy for my boss, my friend, who had suffered so much on this long road to motherhood. I rejoiced for her and with her in this triumph! It gave me hope! And, I knew she so very much appreciated the miracle of God's work in this new life. It was very much easier for me to learn of her happiness than to hear the heartbreaking stories of other women's losses.
Pray very much for those who cannot rejoice with you. Jealousy over another person's blessing compounds one's suffering enormously -- and needlessly. These poor women need to see/feel God's love as they carry the cross of infertility. They have lost sight of that. They need to know they are not being "punished" and others are not being "rewarded."
I so get this. I think it helps to keep in mind that, although you are rejoicing now, you were in their shoes at one point so you CAN relate. Just putting yourself back there mentally is, I'm sure, a huge help to your friends currently struggling. Also, I think your pregnancy gives them hope! Hope that one day they too (especially with awesome Napro docs) will be able to carry a child. It also always helps me to remember that over 1 in 3 couples struggle with infertility, and since we've been there we can show them great compassion. I'm sure you're doing a great job with this. To always keep our past suffering and current gratitude on our minds is so important. Maybe a simple prayer every morning acknowledging the two will keep us focused throughout our day. I need to do this! I'm realizing this as I type! God bless, Kaitlin :)
ReplyDeleteAt first, I started to think a blogger had said something mean to you! Now I see and I am so heartbroken for your friend. I have no doubt she is grateful to have you. I think all of us would be surprised to learn how many people have been haunted by miscarriages and IF.
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ReplyDeleteI was going to say the same thing as Ann AND Casey!
ReplyDeleteThe handn thing- That is SO sweet!!! I love that your pregnancy has become normal. Wow. God is so powerful and amazing!
What a bizarre turn of events for you to have to be guarded among others!
Lauren-that's the perfect choice of words! A bizarre turn of events. I think that's what I was trying to get at.
ReplyDeleteAnd Suzanne-I think you misunderstood the message of my post (or I didn't write it clearly enough). These women are not jealous of me. My one friend in particular is my biggest supporter. She amazes me that she can rejoice FULLY in my pregnancy while carrying the cross of her own grief.
They have not lost sight of anything. They are a perfect example of women struggling with their own fertility issues, while praising God and thanking Him for the blessing He has given to me, their friend.
As I said-their virtue is saintly.
Lauren-that's the perfect choice of words! A bizarre turn of events. I think that's what I was trying to get at.
ReplyDeleteAnd Suzanne-I think you misunderstood the message of my post (or I didn't write it clearly enough). These women are not jealous of me. My one friend in particular is my biggest supporter. She amazes me that she can rejoice FULLY in my pregnancy while carrying the cross of her own grief.
They have not lost sight of anything. They are a perfect example of women struggling with their own fertility issues, while praising God and thanking Him for the blessing He has given to me, their friend.
As I said-their virtue is saintly.
I admit that hearing about your new normal is comforting, but not in the direct way you'd think. I go back and read the posts from before you conceieved and the anguish is palpable. To read your posts now makes me think, is this even the same person? Can this hope and happiness really come again to me too? That is the comforting part, seeing the revitalization I guess. Please never loose your ability to relate to those dealing with fertility issues though...sometimes all we want is to just have people slow down and remember that there's a world going on outside their own that is very different and very painful. If its not one friend it'll be another and infertlity is always a fact of life. (I do think its important for infertile women to remember this too and not have such tunnel vision that the world is ending, so, it definitely applies to everyone!)
ReplyDeleteThis is such a thoughtful post, and you have an amazing friend. What a blessing.
ReplyDeleteI have been there. I had one of my good friends get pregnant not once but twice, and all while knowing/being married to her dh literally years less than my dh and I. Both were "surprise" pregnancies and I had mixed feelings both times. The first time, they had been together MONTHS and got pregnant and the second, there little one was only 9 months. I remember both times I expressed my excitement and then would run to be alone and cry for my own pain.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I had to separate from this friend for a bit at first. I feel bad looking back, because I missed the first few months of her pregnancies, but it was something I needed to do for myself. I needed to have my own time to heal, pray and learn to release any jealousy or bitterness I had.
I will say, once I took my own time, I came back an been better person and a way better friend! And the proud godmother of her littlest man, just born last month.
I don't know if this will help you, but I really wanted to share my experience.
And I also wanted to say I SO beyond happy for your little miracle and I LOVE how you are so open about the joy and excitement! Keep it up girl, these precious moments with this liitle one you will never get back! Cherish them and sing from the roof tops!!!! ;) I can't wait for my time and so reading your blog gives me so much hope and excitement, that as a woman who struggled with fertility you are able to fully embrace the beauty of this life growing within you! I pray I can do the same! :)
Kaitlin, this was such a wonderfully heartfelt post. :)
ReplyDeleteI loved how you described falling asleep with Ted's hand on your stomach! So sweet!
Oops! Sorry, Kaitlin. I read it quickly with my little on climbing on me, and I totally miss-read part of it. Yikes. Need more sleep...any other excuses I can find??? ;)
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