I was pretty dern prepared for motherhood. Of course, nothing can prepare you for being completely responsible for all aspect of another human being's life 24 hours a day. But I had a lot going for me. I have a minor in child development and have worked in preschools, church nurseries, and day cares. I've done hundreds of hours of clinicals with children of all ages. I've babysat and nannies for countless families, some with as many as six or eight children. At the time of my pregnancy with Hannah, I had tons of friends with babies so seeing things like babywearing, breastfeeding, and diaper changes was part of my every day life.
And when Hannah was born I actually felt prepared. Sure, there were times that were overwhelming. But I took everything in stride and-for the most part-really felt like I knew what I was doing.
Fast forward to today. Her second day of "school" at her once-a-week mother's morning out co-op. Last week she cried for the first hour. This week I snuck out of the room before she could see me and then waited at the door to listen for any crying. None. So I left.
An hour later I got a call from her teacher saying she had been crying the entire time. Her teacher was wonderful. She wasn't complaining, just trying to get ideas from me as to what might calm her down. While we talked Hannah actually stopped crying and found some baby dolls to play with. Her teacher said she would call back if things escalated again. I went to pick her up a half-hour early and stayed in my car and watched her on the playground. (that's not crazy right? tell me I'm not crazy.)
What I saw broke my heart. Ripped it in shreds. I don't know that I will ever, ever forget it.
My girl. Sad little face. On the playground. Standing at the fence looking out all by herself. When she started to cry her teacher picked her up and tried to distract her. But for the most part she was just...sad. She didn't try to play with any of the other kids. She didn't go down the slide and play in the dirt. She just stood and watched and waited for me.
My heart was completely unprepared for this. I had no idea it could hurt this much to see my little girl be unhappy. This hurt worse than the years of suffering through shitty friends in high school. Or finding out that my boyfriend cheated on me. Or getting dumped. Worse than every single time I was dumped combined. To see her suffer, I just can't handle it.
Obviously I know her life will involve suffering. And I know it's stupid to believe I can protect her from it. But dammit I'm going to try. If not for her sake, for mine! How will I ever be able to handle having my heart ripped out on a regular basis as she grows up and deals with the hard knocks life throws at her?
I've been sick to my stomach all day. I can't get her sad little face out of my head.
I told Ted a few nights ago that the mental and emotional energy I spend each day just thinking about Hannah is exhausting. Not even considering that actual physical work involved. Just thinking about what's best for her, trying my best to show her love-it takes up so much space in my brain. He suggested maybe I was going overboard. That I needed to try not to think about it all too much. But that's simply impossible. I know I'm not crazy or overbearing or extreme. I'm fairly certain that I'm just a regular mom who loves her kid and doesn't want to see her get hurt. And although that last sentence doesn't sound very difficult, this is the most difficult emotion I have ever experienced.
And although I'm confident in my knowledge of child development, have a handle on everything from cloth diapers to healthy meals to medical records, and even kind of know what I'm doing when it comes to discipline (I said kind of!) my heart is completely unprepared for the sorrow that motherhood will inevitably bring.
Even with all of my experience, I had no idea what I was signing up for.
Katie, I'm so sorry. That kind of ache and longing is felt so deep. I would imagine Hannah's experience is reflective only on the fact that this is new. You've equipped her with the social and emotional skills and experiences that, once she has warmed up to this, will have her feeling so confident and secure and happy! I haven't experienced this type of situation yet, and I also know I'm not ready for that kind of pain.
ReplyDeletePerhaps she is not ready for "school" even though it's only once a week. There is nothing wrong with that - and there's nothing wrong with keeping her home until you can see she's ready to venture out. Just because she's at "the age", doesn't mean she's automatically ready to be away from mom and in the middle of somewhere strange with lots of strange people for that long. My niece did the same thing when my sis-in-law sent her to school, and she just ended up keeping her home for another year. This isn't about you. This is about your child who is clearly distraught by school at the moment. I'd be inclined to, if you can, dump school for the time being and wait until she can handle it.
ReplyDeleteI am not an expert on children, and even if I was, I don't think I could offer you words of advice that would be any more meaningful to you than what YOU as HANNAH'S MOM already know!
ReplyDeleteYou will both figure out this road together. Praying for you!
Beautiful reflections. Sorrow is such a difficult emotion to bear. I struggle with it, too. Just try to unite your sorrow to the Blessed Mother's. She carried it with such grace and will help you, too.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post...made my heart hurt to read it. Today was the first day that my oldest son did not scream and cry when I left him at preschool. My devestation at leaving him like that for the first two weeks was only matched by my total surprise and joy when he did not cry today. Motherhood is so hard, isn't it - with all the intensity of the love for these sweet small ones. Thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteThese moments give us a great opportunity to stand closer to Mary, and through her, her Son as well.
ReplyDeleteOh this post made me teary-eyed to read, as beautifully written as it was.
ReplyDeleteTo think about our little ones suffering in any way has most def got to be tough-it's something I hadnt thought too much about honestly with our little (granted, its she's not here yet, but still...) one and I can't even imagine.
The beautiful thing though, is that you are the mama and you know best and how amazing that she already, at such at young age knows she can lean on you when she's sad. Something that I'm sure will carry through for the rest of her life.
I have read somewhere that a lot of times its waaaaay harder on the mama than the little one, so hang in there, things will def get better because you are one great mama!
Oh this broke my heart reading this. I am sick in bed so my husband is taking care of the kids and after reading this I went out to help put the kids down for nap.
ReplyDeleteYou're a mama plain and simple and it just do happens that when our kids are sad or hurt we too are sad and hurt.
Thanks for sharing! Maybe she isn't ready?? Or maybe she just needs you to be there the first couple of times?? They say that whatever you do, DON'T sneak away--always say goodbye--b/c it can be very traumatic for a child to think that their parents can just disappear in thin air, and make them much more clingy.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right. Motherhood is all consuming. Both physically and emotionally. Way more than I ever fathomed. Prayers that it gets easier for Hannah and that her frown turns upside down. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting your sincere reflections on you're daughter's happiness or current lack thereof. I've really reflected on this worry I've held for a long time that I'm so sensitive, I couldn't handle my child's suffering. It's good I'm infertile! :) I'm not sure how parents do this since I think about my own pain and suffering in life and wonder how my own mom and dad endured the idea of their kids' unhappiness.
ReplyDeleteI almost cried just reading it! I think that is the hardest part of the motherhood sacrifice...that we MUST watch them suffer sometimes, and be powerless to protect them. And more than that, to know that the suffering is sometimes necessary. I am feeling those same things about Claire's upcoming surgery. I hate that she will be hurting and not understand why, and I will not be able to protect her from it. I must allow it to happen. I can't imagine how the Blessed Mother felt at the foot of the cross.
ReplyDeleteI just love Ted's response...try to think about her less?? Haha! As if you could if you tried!!! :) You're more likely to spontaneously grow another brain that you could dedicate solely to thinking about Hannah. ;)
OH sweet girl. This broke my heart!!!! I cannot imagine sitting in the car watching that beautiful face sad!!! Oh Kaitlin! What are you going to do, girl? I know any road you take will be fine and good- but boy I'd be agonizing over it, too!!! Much love, friend!
ReplyDeleteOh, so sad :( Sometimes I just look at Veronica and I don't want her to grow up. I know I can't protect her from every hurt and I shouldn't, but sometimes I really want to. No one can tell you what is the right or wrong thing to do in this situation, but I think it is completely normal that Hannah just wants to be with you. Sometimes it is difficult when mothers need a break, but their babies aren't ready for the separation. And sometimes we think toddlers are ready for more social situations when they are not. Again, only you can decide what is best...listen to your heart.
ReplyDeleteYeah, it is crazy to sit in your car and watch your child be sad. Why did you do that?
ReplyDeleteHey, you are NOT crazy.
ReplyDeleteThis daycare like situation may not be her thing.
That doesn't mean "NEVER" it just means "not now".
All kids are different. I've got one kid who loves being in new situations. Two kids a (son and toddler who hate new things). And one middle daughter who LOVES new places and new people as long as she's with a sibling.
With my "slow to warm up son", I cautiously pick activities and slowly ease him into them. He can do new things like Swim Team and soccer that way at age 7. Yet I would never put Tess, my newly minted 2 year old into anything that wasn't a perfect fit-because she's just not ready.
Trust your heart.
If Hannah isn't into the Mom's Day Out program, just take her out and try again later.
I don't think the "sad Mommy Mary like" heart has to start with playgroup and babysitters. Save that for ER trips, etc.
Oh gosh, K, your pain is so palpable in your writing. I think it's hardest with the first child because we are so in love and haven't experienced that type of pain yet. Kind of like that first boyfriend break up, ya know? You're such a great mom. Praying for you as you navigate these firsts.
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