As good as last night's big girl episode went, today's nap was equally horrible. No. It was 300 times more horrible. She won't stay in her bed. She cried so hard she was hyperventilating. I gave up after an hour and a half and the rest of the day pretty much sucked.
Add that to the fact that I accidentally ate a fun sized Snickers on Friday and now Paul is anything but fun. Poor, poor baby is hurting so badly and it's my fault. Hannah and I got sorbet and I made the fine people at Coldstone show me the ingredients so I could be positive there was no dairy in it. Then I turned right around and added a snickers. Because I'm a genius. Tomorrow is Day Four of dairy detox, which is usually the worst. Anyone out there who thinks I'm crazy for believing my kids can't have dairy can just come on over and hold my sweet little Paul while he screams and naps in 30 minute increments tomorrow.
FYI, it is impossible to try to keep a toddler in her bed while a baby screams in pain in the next room. There is no laying down with her, putting her back in her bed, reading a book by the door while she peacefully falls asleep. Even if I could do those things, she would scream anyway. I have no idea what tomorrow's plan is. Praying and crying didn't cut it today.
I refused to call Ted and ask him to come home early. I'm a big girl and I should be able to handle this myself. But when he offered I said, "Yes! How soon can you come?" Praise God for his wonderfully flexible schedule and his desire to rescue me.
And now I'm just in a funk. Not so much because Hannah didn't nap and probably won't nap in the foreseeable future, but because being a mom is hard. And it's never going to get easy. And I can get all the advice in the world but no one or nothing can tell me how exactly to raise my children. I have to figure it out myself and I just.dont.want.to. I want to relish every second of motherhood and enjoy my kiddos to the fullest everyday. Not barely make it through the day alive. But that's just not reality. Sometimes (often times) I have to white knuckle through it and pretend I'm actually good at this. Fake it til you make it, right?
It's a hard reality to accept. That no matter how hard I will it, no matter how hard I try, motherhood is a struggle and I can't magically make it easy. I can't force her to be obedient 100% of the time. I can't make Paul stop arching his back and screaming (but I can stope eating Snickers...). It's something that I've wanted it my entire life and now that's it here I just want to hand it back for a few hours and take a nap.
Motherhood. Not always what's it's cracked up to be.
This was so us about a year ago. The transition into the bed girl bed was so hard, especially naps. I finally just put a baby gate across her doorway to keep her in. She finally got a hang of the expectations: you don't have to sleep, but you have to stay in your room and be quiet. . . Or no Veggie Tales after rest time. Hang in there; you can make it. Don't beat yourself up for not enjoying every.single.second (or phase). I'll say a prayer for you guys tomorrow at nap time. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteMaybe your break is just around the bend, closer than you think. I'm gonna pray that some miraculous restoration/rebooting/rest happens for you crazy soon. You're a great mom. You deserve it!
ReplyDeleteWell, there's a couple of things I want to tell you:
ReplyDelete- Motherhood is horribly difficult at times. Other times it's just hard. And sometimes it is wildly beautiful and everything you ever wanted it to be. So just take it where it's at right now.
- You're actually a really great mom and despite how it may seem today, your kids are thriving and you're doing a great job.
- What worked for every other parent on the planet may not work for you and that's okay. I will pray for you as you and Ted and Hannah and Paul do figure out what will work for you. Because it's a crappy process.
- Remember: you are a good mom.
Ugh! Hang in there! It is so hard for all Moms!!! Transitioning into a big girl bed is awesome but full of challenges! When we switched Kate, she did good for bedtime, but naptime was a challenge and it was such a fight with trying to get Luke to sleep too or trying to get her not to wake him up if I put him down first! Finally I realized that she wanted more control and say so over things and seemed to be ready for it so we found a compromise. She got to pick where she took a nap as long as she laid down and went to sleep. Sometimes it was in our bed, sometimes on a pallet on the floor and sometimes in her little tent. It was more time consuming because the routine of naptime was more up for negotiation everyday, but it helped with lowering my risk for heart attack because it was a calmer afternoon so I went with it!
ReplyDeleteIt was said to me once that our children will be our greatest joy and our greatest sorrow. How true that is! Try to remember that there are many stages in their lives...this is only one season. As a mom of 3...I enjoy periods of relative peace....but it's just that...a period! In reality, my kids are never happy and content all at the same time! There is always one of them having a crisis of some sort and sometimes I feel all I'm here for is to just put out fires. Here's the good news....God has you exactly where he wants you right now! There is NO OTHER job more important than the one you are doing right now! May the Blessed Mother envelop you with her precious mantle!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry!!!! This has been my life too since Hannah was born. I can say it gets easier...but then there are times when it gets harder. At least for me, it seems that there are weeks that I totally have everything under control. It's not that the kids are magically taking naps and not fighting and not throwing food across the kitchen. It's more that I can suddenly handle it, take things as they come, and let things just roll off my back. And then there are weeks where I feel like everything is falling apart and I'm drowning in a sea of dirty diaper, food and toys everywhere, and screaming toddlers. I hate to admit it, but the bad days seem to out weigh to good lately. That makes me feel like I'm failing big time. But I just really try to savor and make the most of the good days.
ReplyDeleteI've been trying to remember to ask God for the graces to get through the day before I even get out of bed each morning. On the days I do, I do notice a difference. I have a bad habit of not praying to start my day and then just begging God to make it better when everything starts going nuts and I need things fixed. I know there's no magic prayer, but maybe try that. Most days I also start off with asking that He also help me not to yell. I've been yelling WAY more than I care to admit.
Both my kids had infant dairy allergies too - awful! Good job for figuring it out early and sticking to breastfeeding - I remember the days of asking for ingredient lists at stores and feeling zero satisfaction through the "creamee-less summer" (in Vermont, where we'd moved just before having Juliana my #2, who had insane reflux in addition to dairy allergy/intolerance, soft-serve is called a "creamee" and they make amazing maple ones and everyone eats them all short-summer-long. I love ice cream.) Honestly, all the restrictions were soooo worth it because of the improvement from the insane screaming (Jules needed Zantac in addition b/c just dairy didn't quite do it - but if I did intro dairy, the Zantac was useless). So I remember those moments well!!! Poor Paul, Poor Momma, Poor Hannah too. (My bigger guy, Nathanael, who was 2 y 9 mos at J's birth, used to cover his ears and whine when she screamed - he just couldn't take it, especially in the car. I felt so bad for him too.)
ReplyDeleteMy two are almost 5 and just 2 (Jules was born a few months after Hannah so I love to read her stories, it's like a preview of where we're heading!) and I do have to say, a la Simcha Fischer (To the Mother of only 1 or similarly titled post) and my friend Emily of "The Motherhood Tunnel" (google it!), things really do change as they get into the preschool age and out of the itty-bitty stage. (Of course some of us want to keep adding itty-bitties,but I'm told it still keeps getting easier!) I have been consoled by this before and really found that as Jules neared 1 and N neared 4, life started to feel very different and the mothering decisions that were all so hair-pulling-gut-wrenching-stressful got less intense. I think - no, I *KNOW* - that parenting will always be HARD - end of story - and yet at the same time, that initial establishment of practices implemented, hurdles overcome, and decisions made is such a HUGE feat that it kind of sets the whole deal in motion and transforms us into a mother who has a real sense of intuition and ease in knowing that these things do come together. Phew!
Btw, kudos to you for waiting out the nap for AN HOUR AND A HALF - did I read that right?!! I think I'd have dropped out after an hour for sheer exhaustion.
Hang in there dear Kaitlin! You are an awesome MOm & an inspiration!
It is so hard when they both cry at the same time. It seems like such a simple thing but it wears on me so much to hear one screaming and not be able to help because I'm with the other one. So so hard.
ReplyDeleteMy kids slept in the crib for naps for about a month or 2 after we had made the bedtime transition. I just didn't want to fight that battle by myself right away. Maybe it's confusing for some kids but mine seemed to understand it. Just remember that you have that option. Especially if you know Paul will need you more this afternoon.
Oh that sounds so hard! When my oldest was just past 2, we dropped his nap because it was taking him an hour to fall asleep and I hated how cranky and mean I acted during the whole process. Plus he was staying up till 10 at night and taking an hour to fall sleep then too! no nap means a very early and quick bedtime. All my kids at 2 have needed 13 hrs of a sleep, so usually in bed and asleep by 630-7. After bedtime and stories, they are usually asleep within ten minutes (we lay with them). Anyway, I know lots of people swear by naptime but we have found success with this with three kids so far. Just another idea. -Holly
ReplyDeleteI know it is hard for you right now. And it might be for the foreseeable future. But, I promise you, it won't always be this hard. It will get easier. I have 5 children and am expecting baby number 6 in a month. If someone had told me that things would get easier, I probably would never have believed them. Now I have 2 teenagers that I dearly love to spend time with and are a tremendous help. I can actually leave the house, by myself. They can't wait for the new baby and I know that there will be lots of excitement and help. Hang in there. This is a season and it will pass. It will get easier. You are a fantastic mom.
ReplyDeleteAs you said, each child is different, but one thing my sister did that I thought was genius: She installed one of those more or less "permanent" gates in the door of the kids' bedroom (not the wimpy, tension gates). It has a little door you can open, but that a toddler can't. This helped her at least know that her kiddos weren't getting out of bed and wandering the house while she was occupied with something else (can' tell by your posts if Hannah is getting out and wandering, but thought I'd suggest it if it helps).
ReplyDeleteYes, parenting is hard. My hardship right now is... what the hec do I do with a 9-month old all day? Am I supposed to play with him? Is it okay if I just set him down to crawl around while I read? (Lol). Why don't I find *every moment* riveting? And why is it that I feel like I have tons of down time but doing productive things feels so huge and impossible with a little guy?
Sarah-I miss your blog! Do you have any invites left??
DeleteYes, you can read while the 9 month old plays. I give you permission! I felt the same way with Hannah, so guilty for not engaging her every second. But if he is content by himself, go with it! There will come a time when he refuses to let you out of his sight, so just enjoy it now and build up energy for when you can't do it anymore.
And I know exactly what you mean about tons of time but not getting anything productive accomplished. For me, it's always that I dont want to start a task I can't finish. So reading a blog post is easy for about 3 minutes. But getting online and paying bills? Nah, I dont want to get stuck in the middle and have to come back later. It makes for busy evenings.....
DeleteI'm with you sister! The boys have just about done me in this week. In fact, I think I texted Josh something along the lines of, "I'm done. Seriously done."
ReplyDeletePraying for you. Motherhood is hard, but like all mothers know, there are breaks in the clouds. Moments that help you to realize you won't be dealing with this "one" issue for long.
And you won't, even though it feels like it. Go get yourself some iced coffee (or something small that makes you happy) and take a break during all the craziness. My two cents :)
God bless you!
You don't know how many times, over the past 27 years, that I've "pretended to be good" at being a mother...and it wasn't just when you were all my sweet little girls. (I find myself doing that even now on occasion.) But just look how good you and your sisters have turned out. You are doing a great job and Hannah and Paul are both thriving in your care. They don't see one 10th of the frustration and anguish that you feel, because you ARE a good mom and you are able to let that love shine through, even though it's not always the easiest thing to do. Do remember to take time for yourself, whether it's reading a good book (to get into someone else's life for a while), having a special dairy free snack, or just taking a break with a girlfriend. My ONLY other suggestion........move home :)
ReplyDeleteWhen people tell me to "get a real job" I will just forward them this post and then be all, COME AT ME.
ReplyDeleteAnd being a good mom means doing the right thing even when you don't feel like it, and it sounds to me like you did a pretty good job of that!
Hey, you are growing! That is good. I'm 8 years ahead of you and I'm starting to really embrace that its good that Motherhood sucks hard many days in a row. I'm really starting to get to the real intimacy. I don't feel like I have to have a bad feeling in another room from my kid.
ReplyDeleteToday my laptop was having issues connecting to the wireless. So I went upstairs and used the desktop in my kid's room. It's a real hard summer. My kids woke up to me at 7 AM sucking in my breath hard as I paid all our bills. They noticed me. I felt so bad--like I should be cheerful when I pay the bills. I thought I was modeling bad stuff. But then I thought, "Hey, I NEVER saw my parents balance the checkbook. Money was a mystery." So my kids saw me a little stressed and they saw me talk myself out of it. Then we all prayed together that we can afford to got to the beach for a day next month.
I feel now like those challenging days "are good parenting." It's good for my kids to see me sweat a bit doing something tough for God. My kids are going to know that challenges are normal and God's grace is real.
Thanks Abigail. That's a great way to look at it!
DeleteDear Kaitlin, I could have written EXACTLY that post when my little ones were that age! We had egg, dairy, nuts and peanut allergies to contend with. I hear you!!!
ReplyDeleteI quickly found that my 'ideal motherhood' scenario was very different from my 'reality motherhood' scenario, and that I had to adjust the ideal a bit and accept/appreciate the reality and find a happy medium between the two. As many people have said, it truly does get better.
If you were in my neighbourhood, I'd so give you a hand! Do you have people who could help a bit? When I was in that situation, I found it so incredibly hard to ask for some help, and it would have made a world of difference, had I just had the guts to reach out a bit. It seems like everyone else projected this image that everything's OK and under control, but in reality, I think most everyone's having difficult times, because honestly, raising young children and newborns (while your still recovering yourself from pregnancy and childbirth!), is really, really hard.
Oh, and my sanity saver mantra at the time was, "This too shall pass..." LOL!!! You'll figure everything out, have faith.
Sending you blessing (and maybe a bit more sleep!) from Canada, Kate.
Thanks Kate! So helpful to know I'm not crazy :)
DeleteLol!!! Most definitely not crazy! Dare I say, "normal"? ;)
DeleteI haven't read all the comments yet, but I love your honesty!! I seriously feel like I"m going crazy some days...with just 1 kid!!! I feel like I can only get the bare minimum done and the house (condo) is a disaster. I just want some time to myself and time to get things back in order. Look forward to reading everyone else's thoughts.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh - the dairy allergy!! I had two babies with that, and by the time the second one was 4 months old I was so so starving and depressed (he had dairy AND soy allergy) that I put him on hypoallergenic formula and felt like the worst mom ever to that sweet baby, but it ended up making me the best mom to the other two boys in the house who were not getting anywhere near the best of me previously. Colic is so hard!! Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteI hear ya!! Have felt this way myself a lot with C's sleeping troubles.
ReplyDelete