It's true. I really miss my husband on Mondays. We had the whole weekend to hang out, sleep in, and just relax together-but it always ends too soon. We always have the work week ahead of us. Monday mornings are the worst. Just five more minutes cuddling next to him in bed. Just one more hug before I leave the house. Just another text to tell him I love him and ask him how his day is going. It's never quite enough.
I really miss him on Mondays.
And that got me thinking. I need to try to focus more on the positive aspects of my life. It's so easy to blog about how much cycle day 1 hurts, but I rarely think to blog about how great I really do have it. So this post is dedicated to bragging about the good things I have in life. I hesitated writing this out of fear that I might upset someone. (people that aren't yet married, someone in a bad relationship, etc) but I know that I can't be all things to all people. I have to be honest with myself (and my blog) and that involves rejoicing in the wonderful things God has given me.
The most wonderful of all is, of course, my husband Ted. I'll try to keep this short because I could go on and on. I know we've been married for less than two years, but we've dated for five. Some people would say we're still newlyweds-but that doesn't change the fact that I'm head over heels in love with the guy. I can't snuggle close enough to him in bed at night. I can't take my eyes off him when he's sitting across the room. I can't hug him tight enough. I can't ever find a good enough way to express how much I love him. Some pessimistic people have told me that this will fade, that it won't always be this way. And while this may be true, it doesn't have to be. I've known many couples that are crazy in love well into the later years of marriage. My parents are a great example of this-they're going on 27 years! He may not leave me notes in my lunch box forever. I may not always rush the door as soon as I hear his truck pull up. But something inside of me says that if we no longer do these things, it'll be because we've found an even better way to express our love for each other. I wasn't given the gift of a child, but the gift of a wonderful husband is a true blessing. I don't care if we make other people sick, smiling this much feels amazing!
Other things I'm thankful for: a job despite the bad economy, good health (with the exception of IF), a great doctor, wonderful parents, my blogger friends who help out me so much, my wonderful friends back home, the fact that we moved to a small town in MS and met AMAZING Catholic friends who I feel like I've known my whole life, great sisters and in-laws, a nice apartment, money for groceries, my Master's, and the fact that I still have hope that we'll someday have a baby.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
NOT Reasons
The following are NOT reasons why we're not pregnant Some of them have actually been suggested to me, but most of them just come from my worrying, complicated, over-analytical head.
It's NOT because of the sins of my past. Or the sins of my present and future for that matter. God is NOT punishing me with infertility because of the sins I've committed against Him (although they are many).
It's NOT because we "aren't ready" to be parents. We're ready. We're more ready than any other couple out there (with the exception of my fellow IF bloggers).
It's NOT because we won't make great parents and God wants to keep us from raising children. I can say with complete confidence that we will make great parents. One of the reasons I married Ted was because I knew he would make the world's greatest dad. I'm not being prideful when I say that any kid would be lucky to have us as parents.
It's NOT because we haven't prayed enough, said the right prayers, asked the right saints, or done enough novenas. While God works miracles and answers prayers, He's NOT waiting for us to get to the right combination of prayers before He blesses us with children.
It's NOT because we haven't worked hard enough to get medical help. While there may be a problem that I never find and a doctor out there that could have "cured" it, there is no way to ever know that. We are doing the absolute best we can with the time, money, and energy we have. God has to got to appreciate that.
It's NOT because I drink a soda or have a beer from time to time. Although I believe diet is important when it comes to fertility, one Pepsi isn't going to make the difference between my follicles producing eggs and staying empty.
It's NOT because we're stressed out about it. It's just not.
It's NOT because we haven't "been on a vacation and relaxed". Unless we take a vacation at the precise time of ovulation, with the right dosage of Clomid, and have sex everyday around Peak day, we're probably not going to get pregnant on vacation. And if we do, it won't be because of the vacation-it'll be because of the sex.
It's NOT because God doesn't love us or want us to be happy. He loves us tremendously. He has shown us that in so many ways. His greatest desire is for us to be happy, however: He wants us to be happy with Him in heaven. Happiness isn't so much a requirement for our life on earth. And since we haven't made it to the foot of His throne, we can only assume that our greatest happiness is yet to come.
And if you're struggling with infertility too, these are NOT reasons why you aren't pregnant as well!
It's NOT because of the sins of my past. Or the sins of my present and future for that matter. God is NOT punishing me with infertility because of the sins I've committed against Him (although they are many).
It's NOT because we "aren't ready" to be parents. We're ready. We're more ready than any other couple out there (with the exception of my fellow IF bloggers).
It's NOT because we won't make great parents and God wants to keep us from raising children. I can say with complete confidence that we will make great parents. One of the reasons I married Ted was because I knew he would make the world's greatest dad. I'm not being prideful when I say that any kid would be lucky to have us as parents.
It's NOT because we haven't prayed enough, said the right prayers, asked the right saints, or done enough novenas. While God works miracles and answers prayers, He's NOT waiting for us to get to the right combination of prayers before He blesses us with children.
It's NOT because we haven't worked hard enough to get medical help. While there may be a problem that I never find and a doctor out there that could have "cured" it, there is no way to ever know that. We are doing the absolute best we can with the time, money, and energy we have. God has to got to appreciate that.
It's NOT because I drink a soda or have a beer from time to time. Although I believe diet is important when it comes to fertility, one Pepsi isn't going to make the difference between my follicles producing eggs and staying empty.
It's NOT because we're stressed out about it. It's just not.
It's NOT because we haven't "been on a vacation and relaxed". Unless we take a vacation at the precise time of ovulation, with the right dosage of Clomid, and have sex everyday around Peak day, we're probably not going to get pregnant on vacation. And if we do, it won't be because of the vacation-it'll be because of the sex.
It's NOT because God doesn't love us or want us to be happy. He loves us tremendously. He has shown us that in so many ways. His greatest desire is for us to be happy, however: He wants us to be happy with Him in heaven. Happiness isn't so much a requirement for our life on earth. And since we haven't made it to the foot of His throne, we can only assume that our greatest happiness is yet to come.
And if you're struggling with infertility too, these are NOT reasons why you aren't pregnant as well!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Take, Lord, and Receive
Tomorrow is the last day of our St. Ignatius retreat at our church. The first half of the retreat was unbelieveable (see this, this, and this). I admit though, I didn't do so hot with the second half. I definitely let myself slack off during Holy Week (of all weeks!) and haven't done a single holy hour this week. I did however, manage to squeeze one last drop of "fruit" out of the retreat, which has taught me so much since beginning so many weeks ago.
At the end of the retreat, St. Ignatius invites us to do a meditation called Contemplation to Attain Love of God. I went through it briefly tonight and was so excited by what I saw.
Seven or eight years ago I happened upon a prayer in the back of the missal/hymnal at church. I'm the kind of person that reads everything in sight. Cereal boxes, billboards, you name it. I was probably at church waiting for Mass to begin and trying to occupy my mind. I read a prayer by St. Ignatius, that was amidst all of the other prayers listed in the back of this book. I loved the prayer immediately. I remember trying to say it in my head over and over again to commit it to memory. I wasn't at my usual church for that Mass and the missal they used was different than the one at my own parish. I knew this prayer wasn't listed in our missal (because I read the whole thing through five times already!) By the time Mass was over, I had completely forgotten about the prayer.
Many times over the course of the next several years I would stumble upon that same prayer in the back of that same missal at various churches I visited. I always tried to memorize it and never succeeded. I remember always wishing I had something to write on so I could copy the prayer and try to learn it. Once I scribbled it on the back of my checkbook, but forgot about it later and threw it out when I switched banks. I googled it a few times, but could never remember enough of it to find it online. It was the ever alluding prayer.
The reason I liked the prayer so much was that it encompassed everything that needed to be prayed. Giving God everything. Accepting what He has in store. That's really all that is needed. That wasn't that difficult of a thing to do at the time I was in search of that alluding prayer, but now.....
I'm sure you've picked up on the fact that that very same prayer was the prayer at the end of the Ignatius retreat. I finally have it in my possession. God's hand is very clear in this. I was attracted to the prayer initially, but not quite ready to pray it. Although I wanted to pray it and mean it, it would have been a big stretch from my actual relationship with God at that time. I'm not saying I'm there now (at the point of giving everything I have and receiving whatever He gives) but I'm closer. Especially with the knowledge and graces that have come from doing this retreat. I needed to learn more, discover more about myself, God, and accepting His will before I could truly pray this prayer and mean it.
If nothing else, I think this is a clear sign that I need to be praying this prayer! Only good can come from giving God everything I have, including my infertility. Only good can come from accepting everything He has in store, even if that's a barren womb for all eternity. Lord, help me to pray this prayer and mean it!
Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O Lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and Thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.
At the end of the retreat, St. Ignatius invites us to do a meditation called Contemplation to Attain Love of God. I went through it briefly tonight and was so excited by what I saw.
Seven or eight years ago I happened upon a prayer in the back of the missal/hymnal at church. I'm the kind of person that reads everything in sight. Cereal boxes, billboards, you name it. I was probably at church waiting for Mass to begin and trying to occupy my mind. I read a prayer by St. Ignatius, that was amidst all of the other prayers listed in the back of this book. I loved the prayer immediately. I remember trying to say it in my head over and over again to commit it to memory. I wasn't at my usual church for that Mass and the missal they used was different than the one at my own parish. I knew this prayer wasn't listed in our missal (because I read the whole thing through five times already!) By the time Mass was over, I had completely forgotten about the prayer.
Many times over the course of the next several years I would stumble upon that same prayer in the back of that same missal at various churches I visited. I always tried to memorize it and never succeeded. I remember always wishing I had something to write on so I could copy the prayer and try to learn it. Once I scribbled it on the back of my checkbook, but forgot about it later and threw it out when I switched banks. I googled it a few times, but could never remember enough of it to find it online. It was the ever alluding prayer.
The reason I liked the prayer so much was that it encompassed everything that needed to be prayed. Giving God everything. Accepting what He has in store. That's really all that is needed. That wasn't that difficult of a thing to do at the time I was in search of that alluding prayer, but now.....
I'm sure you've picked up on the fact that that very same prayer was the prayer at the end of the Ignatius retreat. I finally have it in my possession. God's hand is very clear in this. I was attracted to the prayer initially, but not quite ready to pray it. Although I wanted to pray it and mean it, it would have been a big stretch from my actual relationship with God at that time. I'm not saying I'm there now (at the point of giving everything I have and receiving whatever He gives) but I'm closer. Especially with the knowledge and graces that have come from doing this retreat. I needed to learn more, discover more about myself, God, and accepting His will before I could truly pray this prayer and mean it.
If nothing else, I think this is a clear sign that I need to be praying this prayer! Only good can come from giving God everything I have, including my infertility. Only good can come from accepting everything He has in store, even if that's a barren womb for all eternity. Lord, help me to pray this prayer and mean it!
Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O Lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and Thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Praise God! (and a Rant)
I was literally in tears at my appointment today. But for the first time in a looong time, they were tears of joy! It's going to work-I'm going to be able to ultrasounds and blood work locally to monitor the effectiveness of the Clomid! I met with Dr. L (non NaPro) and started telling him a little about my history. After I convinced him that I was not going to consider Lupron or IVF (see below) he was pretty uninterested in helping me. But then I showed him my surgery report from Dr. G (NaPro). He was very impressed. His actual words were something like, "You have a great doctor. He's done all kinds of stuff that we aren't doing here. Wow-I'm impressed." He then told me that he thought it would be best if I stuck with my doctor (yes!) since he's so knowledgeable in this field. He said that he would coordinate with the lab girls and the ultrasound tech to get me all set up and ready to go. He also said that he wouldn't consider me to be a patient, because he wasn't planning on reading or interpreting any of the results-everything will be sent to Dr. G. This means that I won't have to schedule an appointment with him when I need something done, I won't have to pay for an office visit on top of the ultrasound/lab work, AND I won't have to have him copy the orders from Dr. G-he said the clinic would accept the out-of-state orders.
I'll have to pay up-front for everything, which isn't a problem because insurance doesn't cover anything anyway and we usually just get the rejection letter and pay for it a month later. I'm going to make appointments directly with the ultrasound girl and don't need an appointment to come in for the lab. The ultrasound girl is not really familiar with monitoring follicles, but she has done it before. My doctor is willing to call her and talk to her more about it and she seemed to be really excited about that.
And it gets even better! When she asked if I had any questions, I decided to go for the gold and just casually said, "Would you ever be willing to come in on weekends?" (as the cycle days that I need ultrasounds may fall on a weekend). "I guess," she said, "I don't really see a problem with that." WHAT??? Really? This is the when the tears started flowing.
I was also introduced to a lady in billing who will help me coordinate everything. She told me the prices and, after I sweetly asked, is checking on getting us a discount for self pay. Even if we don't get a discount-it's not TOO much higher than what we were paying in TN. But we'll take every last penny we can get! The billing lady was very sweet and supportive. She told me that her sister struggled for a long time to get pregnant and so she understood how hard it can be. I really think that made a world of difference in her willingness to help me with this. Thank you Jesus! Her sister's infertility is blessing ME in a way that I'm sure she would have never expected!
With that, my doctor (if I can even call him "mine") said goodbye. He told me that I could call him if I ever had an emergency or a serious reaction to the medicine. He also said that if things don't go as planned to let him know and he would take care of it. Then he left.....and didn't charge me for a visit!!! I was sure I would at least have to pay for an office visit. He said it would be "criminal" to make me pay for the little amount of work he did. Wow! Could it have gone any better?!
I am beyond thankful for all of the prayers of my friends, family, and fellow bloggers. You are all amazing! God must really listen to you!
And now, unfortunately, I have a rant. It wasn't two minutes into the conversation and Dr. L was trying to push Lupron and InVitro. I told him we've been trying for a year and half, I have endo and have had two surgeries, my blood work is all good, that ultrasounds have shown my follicles are not producing eggs, and that I'm on Clomid. "So you don't have any follicles..." he said. "No, I have a dominant follilcle, it just doesn't have an egg," I told him. He wasn't listening to me. He then told me that even if I did produce an egg it would be in a hostile environment because of the endo. He told me that IVF was my "only chance" to get pregnant and that no matter how much work I did it was going to come down to that. He said that surgeries don't take care of endo completely and the only way to get rid of it is go on Lupron for 6 months (it stops ovarian function-how is THAT going to get me pregnant??) I thanked him for the advice and politely told him that I had moral objections to IVF (and Lupron) due to my religious background. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "well that's probably what it's going to take." To his credit, he did try to address some of things he suspected I found objectionable. "You don't have to make 15 embryos, implant 5, and kill 4," he said. "You can have the ultimate control over it." (e.g. "You get to play God.") "I understand," I told him, "but it's not an option." I told him that Dr. G had additional training in fertility treatment that didn't compromise my religious believes. I told him that he doesn't refer for IVF. Dr. L said "oh, he does it on his own?" "No," I said, "he has the same objections that I do. To which he replied, "What church do you go to?" (this is a VERY common question in the south). "I'm Roman Catholic," I replied, sitting up a little straighter in my chair and holding my chin up. I was so proud to be able to say that.
My other disappointment during the visit came, not from the fact that he pushed IVF, but because of how little he was able to offer me in terms of fertility. If I was just your average infertile gal consulting my local OB, this is the kind of advice I would have been given. How awful!
Again, thanks for your prayers! Keem 'em comin'!
I'll have to pay up-front for everything, which isn't a problem because insurance doesn't cover anything anyway and we usually just get the rejection letter and pay for it a month later. I'm going to make appointments directly with the ultrasound girl and don't need an appointment to come in for the lab. The ultrasound girl is not really familiar with monitoring follicles, but she has done it before. My doctor is willing to call her and talk to her more about it and she seemed to be really excited about that.
And it gets even better! When she asked if I had any questions, I decided to go for the gold and just casually said, "Would you ever be willing to come in on weekends?" (as the cycle days that I need ultrasounds may fall on a weekend). "I guess," she said, "I don't really see a problem with that." WHAT??? Really? This is the when the tears started flowing.
I was also introduced to a lady in billing who will help me coordinate everything. She told me the prices and, after I sweetly asked, is checking on getting us a discount for self pay. Even if we don't get a discount-it's not TOO much higher than what we were paying in TN. But we'll take every last penny we can get! The billing lady was very sweet and supportive. She told me that her sister struggled for a long time to get pregnant and so she understood how hard it can be. I really think that made a world of difference in her willingness to help me with this. Thank you Jesus! Her sister's infertility is blessing ME in a way that I'm sure she would have never expected!
With that, my doctor (if I can even call him "mine") said goodbye. He told me that I could call him if I ever had an emergency or a serious reaction to the medicine. He also said that if things don't go as planned to let him know and he would take care of it. Then he left.....and didn't charge me for a visit!!! I was sure I would at least have to pay for an office visit. He said it would be "criminal" to make me pay for the little amount of work he did. Wow! Could it have gone any better?!
I am beyond thankful for all of the prayers of my friends, family, and fellow bloggers. You are all amazing! God must really listen to you!
And now, unfortunately, I have a rant. It wasn't two minutes into the conversation and Dr. L was trying to push Lupron and InVitro. I told him we've been trying for a year and half, I have endo and have had two surgeries, my blood work is all good, that ultrasounds have shown my follicles are not producing eggs, and that I'm on Clomid. "So you don't have any follicles..." he said. "No, I have a dominant follilcle, it just doesn't have an egg," I told him. He wasn't listening to me. He then told me that even if I did produce an egg it would be in a hostile environment because of the endo. He told me that IVF was my "only chance" to get pregnant and that no matter how much work I did it was going to come down to that. He said that surgeries don't take care of endo completely and the only way to get rid of it is go on Lupron for 6 months (it stops ovarian function-how is THAT going to get me pregnant??) I thanked him for the advice and politely told him that I had moral objections to IVF (and Lupron) due to my religious background. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "well that's probably what it's going to take." To his credit, he did try to address some of things he suspected I found objectionable. "You don't have to make 15 embryos, implant 5, and kill 4," he said. "You can have the ultimate control over it." (e.g. "You get to play God.") "I understand," I told him, "but it's not an option." I told him that Dr. G had additional training in fertility treatment that didn't compromise my religious believes. I told him that he doesn't refer for IVF. Dr. L said "oh, he does it on his own?" "No," I said, "he has the same objections that I do. To which he replied, "What church do you go to?" (this is a VERY common question in the south). "I'm Roman Catholic," I replied, sitting up a little straighter in my chair and holding my chin up. I was so proud to be able to say that.
My other disappointment during the visit came, not from the fact that he pushed IVF, but because of how little he was able to offer me in terms of fertility. If I was just your average infertile gal consulting my local OB, this is the kind of advice I would have been given. How awful!
Again, thanks for your prayers! Keem 'em comin'!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Prayer Request
I have a prayer request to anyone whose willing to pray. I have an OB appointment tomorrow with a local OB. He's not a NaPro doc and I doubt he's ever heard of it. Dr. G (my NaPro doc in TN) wants me to coordinate care with a local OB so I can start doing ultrasounds and bloodwork locally, instead of driving three hours every time. My local hospital requires all orders to be from a doctor with a MS license, so they won't accept anything Dr. G gives me. I have to have a local OB copy the order and agree that I need to same thing. Very annoying.
I'm going to do my best to get this new doc on board with my treatment. I'm going to ask if he'll monitor my follicles with ultrasounds (most regular OBs do NOT do this!) and allow me to have bloodwork done on certain days according to my Peak Day. I'm hopeful, but not holding my breath.
Prayers that this doctor will try to help me, even if he disagrees with me, are appreciated! Has anyone out there been in a similar situation? Any advice on getting him on board?
I'm going to do my best to get this new doc on board with my treatment. I'm going to ask if he'll monitor my follicles with ultrasounds (most regular OBs do NOT do this!) and allow me to have bloodwork done on certain days according to my Peak Day. I'm hopeful, but not holding my breath.
Prayers that this doctor will try to help me, even if he disagrees with me, are appreciated! Has anyone out there been in a similar situation? Any advice on getting him on board?
An Un-Clever Title
I've been thinking. About this blog. I think I'm trying too hard. I don't post as often as I would like because I need almost an hour to sit down and type out a complete entry. I have a feeling that an hour is not a normal amount of time to spend on one post. I know what my problem is. I'm too anal.
I've discovered that I feel like every single post has to have a "theme". I can't just ramble-or give an update on how I'm feeling. Oh no-that would be too easy. I must share my thoughts that are centered around one overwhelming (and very interesting) theme. This is exhausting. I'm not that interesting and it's hard to try to be something you're not.
Each blog post must have a unique title. I have sat for far too long thinking about titles for my posts. This must stop.
I also feel pressure to "educate" others with my posts. And while this isn't a bad thing-I don't need to do it every time. I dont need to defend the teachings of the Church or talk about the Gospel passage in every single entry. Some days it will be ok to just write about how crappy I feel, how sad I am, or how awful my mood swings are. Exciting stuff, huh?
I should NOT care who reads this blog. I would lying if I said I really didn't care who was reading this. Humility has never been my gift. I care what other's think and I sometimes write in ways that I think other people will find interesting. I'm going to TRY to stop this. No promises.
On that same note, I'm going to try to stop caring if people are interested in what I have to say. Sometimes I shy away from posting things about life outside of the infertility bubble. Believe it or not I don't spend every waking moment thinking about having kids. I do other things. I hang out with friends, spend time with my husband,complain talk about work, etc. I don't write about these kinds of things because I think I'll be wasting the time of other IFer's who are reading this. They are the ones that comment (thanks ladies-comments make my day!) so I feel like I need to keep them interested, keep them satisfied. This is stupid. I feel stupid just typing it.
I also don't need to shy away from posting boring or detailed information about my medicine or symptoms. I think that some of my friends are reading this (although they don't commet-and that's ok! it's good for my humility lacking self) and I sometimes avoid writing about specific details of infertility thinking that they won't want to hear it. That they will only read if I'm witty, interesting, or share some kind of insight worth reading. And even if they do only want that kind of post, that's ok! Every browswer has an exit button and they can use it at any time they wish. No obligation to read every single thing I write. Come and go as you please!
Typos are not the devil. I do not have perfect grammar. I'm not the best speller. But I spend far too much time proofreading and spellchecking every single post. If you are turned off but typos and missing commas, from now on-feel free to move along.
I'm crediting this liberation to All You Who Hope and Life From Inside the Wheelbarrow. I recently went through and read their archives. Some of the titles were cutesy and unique-others were not. Some of their posts had a "theme" but most were just updates about how they were feeling and what was going on. And you know what? I was on the edge of my seat (not literally-I was reclined on the couch with my feet on the coffee table). I cried tears of sorrow and tears of joy for each of them. Even though there may have been a typo or a rambling post from time to time. Thanks girls.
And now, a story to highlight my analness, even though it doesn't go with the rest of this post. (this is killing me-I promise you, but I'm forcing myself to do it.). The other day I stood in front of our fridge and glanced at the dry-erase calendar on the freezer door. I noticed a tiny black dot on Monday, April 5th. I erased the dot immediately and asked Ted, "Did you put a dot on Monday?" When he picked his jaw up from off the floor he said, "How in the world did you notice that?? You are insane!!" He put the dot there to remind him of when we last ran the dish washer. He wanted to know how often we ran it, thinking that we could try to cut back. I laughed and laughed. I really am incredibly anal and notice even the tinniest thing out of place. He decided that he was going to start changing things all over the house and see if I notice. Nothing big-tiny little things that no normal person would ever notice. I'm sure I'll probably find most of them. And the ones I don't find will drive me crazy knowing that they're out there and I haven't "fixed" them yet. I'm excited for this new game!
I've discovered that I feel like every single post has to have a "theme". I can't just ramble-or give an update on how I'm feeling. Oh no-that would be too easy. I must share my thoughts that are centered around one overwhelming (and very interesting) theme. This is exhausting. I'm not that interesting and it's hard to try to be something you're not.
Each blog post must have a unique title. I have sat for far too long thinking about titles for my posts. This must stop.
I also feel pressure to "educate" others with my posts. And while this isn't a bad thing-I don't need to do it every time. I dont need to defend the teachings of the Church or talk about the Gospel passage in every single entry. Some days it will be ok to just write about how crappy I feel, how sad I am, or how awful my mood swings are. Exciting stuff, huh?
I should NOT care who reads this blog. I would lying if I said I really didn't care who was reading this. Humility has never been my gift. I care what other's think and I sometimes write in ways that I think other people will find interesting. I'm going to TRY to stop this. No promises.
On that same note, I'm going to try to stop caring if people are interested in what I have to say. Sometimes I shy away from posting things about life outside of the infertility bubble. Believe it or not I don't spend every waking moment thinking about having kids. I do other things. I hang out with friends, spend time with my husband,
I also don't need to shy away from posting boring or detailed information about my medicine or symptoms. I think that some of my friends are reading this (although they don't commet-and that's ok! it's good for my humility lacking self) and I sometimes avoid writing about specific details of infertility thinking that they won't want to hear it. That they will only read if I'm witty, interesting, or share some kind of insight worth reading. And even if they do only want that kind of post, that's ok! Every browswer has an exit button and they can use it at any time they wish. No obligation to read every single thing I write. Come and go as you please!
Typos are not the devil. I do not have perfect grammar. I'm not the best speller. But I spend far too much time proofreading and spellchecking every single post. If you are turned off but typos and missing commas, from now on-feel free to move along.
I'm crediting this liberation to All You Who Hope and Life From Inside the Wheelbarrow. I recently went through and read their archives. Some of the titles were cutesy and unique-others were not. Some of their posts had a "theme" but most were just updates about how they were feeling and what was going on. And you know what? I was on the edge of my seat (not literally-I was reclined on the couch with my feet on the coffee table). I cried tears of sorrow and tears of joy for each of them. Even though there may have been a typo or a rambling post from time to time. Thanks girls.
And now, a story to highlight my analness, even though it doesn't go with the rest of this post. (this is killing me-I promise you, but I'm forcing myself to do it.). The other day I stood in front of our fridge and glanced at the dry-erase calendar on the freezer door. I noticed a tiny black dot on Monday, April 5th. I erased the dot immediately and asked Ted, "Did you put a dot on Monday?" When he picked his jaw up from off the floor he said, "How in the world did you notice that?? You are insane!!" He put the dot there to remind him of when we last ran the dish washer. He wanted to know how often we ran it, thinking that we could try to cut back. I laughed and laughed. I really am incredibly anal and notice even the tinniest thing out of place. He decided that he was going to start changing things all over the house and see if I notice. Nothing big-tiny little things that no normal person would ever notice. I'm sure I'll probably find most of them. And the ones I don't find will drive me crazy knowing that they're out there and I haven't "fixed" them yet. I'm excited for this new game!
Monday, April 5, 2010
A Blue Devil Blog Post
With opening day of Cardinal baseball and the NCAA basketball championship game tonight, my husband is beyond excited. Duke has been his favorite team since he was in high school and he was pumped all day knowing he would get to come home and watch the game tonight. I sat down on the couch next to him, donning my Duke jersey, ate my cherry pie and ice cream, and felt like.......talking.
Sensing his immediate frustration, I asked if he cared if I blogged while he watched the game. "It'll keep me from talking through the whole thing," I said. "Blog away!" he replied!
So I'm blogging. I'm not sure what this post is going to be about-we'll just see where it goes.
Hope
What could have been a pregnancy announcement on Easter Sunday turned into period pains on Holy Thursday. I had A LOT of hope for this cycle. As I've mentioned in a previous post, I can usually feel my period coming days ahead of schedule. Not this time. Twelve days post peak and NOTHING. I was almost sure I was pregnant for this fact alone. Then it hit. Thursday around 2:00 just as I was sitting down to do therapy with one of my four year olds. I started within 10 minutes. This is the first time this has EVER happened. My hope faded quickly this month. Vanished instantly is more accurate.
This song got me through the let-down this month. Listen for the word "hope". It appears three times. The first time "hope" takes flight. The second, "hope" had flown. And the third and final time, "hope" fills the soul. Is that the story of my cycle or what? Hope begins to take flight with that first little cramp. By the time I start my period, hope has completely flown. But just two or three weeks later, hope is filling my soul once again. Another cycle. Another chance. Another opportunity for hope to be realized.
Hope-never let go.
Easter
Our Triduum (Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and Holy Saturday) and Easter were beautiful. It was our first time celebrating Jesus' Death and Resurrection at our new parish in Mississippi and we were blown away. The awe and reverence in the celebrations were evident. The end of the Good Friday service was especially powerful for me. The service was held in the evening (not sure why) and at the end they turned out all the lights and left us in total darkness. I closed my eyes in prayer and thought, "I wish they had a light shining on just the crucifix" (which is brand new and beautiful!). When I opened my eyes I saw exactly that, only the light was red-even better. It gave me such a sense of the sacrifice Christ made for me. I tried to pour my heart out to Him. I'm never that good at it-but I tried. I told Him that I wanted His will. Or at least that I wanted to want His will. I asked him to strengthen me for whatever He had in store.
By Easter I was truly ready to celebrate! I had done a better job this year reserving my celebration for the actual day of Easter and tried to keep a "Lenten" attitude up until Sunday morning. On Sunday, Ted and I went to Mass and I sang Alleluia with my whole heart! There were tears, yes. There have been a lot of tears this week. But I was still joyful. If Easter teaches us anything, it's that suffering has a redemptive purpose. And despite my tears, that's a reason for rejoicing.
Cardinals Update
I just asked my husband what I should blog about (it's halftime). His immediate response: "Blog about Albert Pujols' two home runs on opening day! What good is your blog if you don't give a Cardinal's update!" Ha! And although I have no desire to make my blog about giving Cardinal's updates, I will give a shout out to the world's greatest baseball team.
So here's to St. Louis-home to Archbishop Raymond Burke for four wonderful years, one of the best seminaries in the US, the Arch, our wedding night getaway, many of our wonderful friends and family back home, beautiful trees and gorgeous road side cliffs, and of course....Albert Pujols.
Sensing his immediate frustration, I asked if he cared if I blogged while he watched the game. "It'll keep me from talking through the whole thing," I said. "Blog away!" he replied!
So I'm blogging. I'm not sure what this post is going to be about-we'll just see where it goes.
Hope
What could have been a pregnancy announcement on Easter Sunday turned into period pains on Holy Thursday. I had A LOT of hope for this cycle. As I've mentioned in a previous post, I can usually feel my period coming days ahead of schedule. Not this time. Twelve days post peak and NOTHING. I was almost sure I was pregnant for this fact alone. Then it hit. Thursday around 2:00 just as I was sitting down to do therapy with one of my four year olds. I started within 10 minutes. This is the first time this has EVER happened. My hope faded quickly this month. Vanished instantly is more accurate.
This song got me through the let-down this month. Listen for the word "hope". It appears three times. The first time "hope" takes flight. The second, "hope" had flown. And the third and final time, "hope" fills the soul. Is that the story of my cycle or what? Hope begins to take flight with that first little cramp. By the time I start my period, hope has completely flown. But just two or three weeks later, hope is filling my soul once again. Another cycle. Another chance. Another opportunity for hope to be realized.
Hope-never let go.
Easter
Our Triduum (Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and Holy Saturday) and Easter were beautiful. It was our first time celebrating Jesus' Death and Resurrection at our new parish in Mississippi and we were blown away. The awe and reverence in the celebrations were evident. The end of the Good Friday service was especially powerful for me. The service was held in the evening (not sure why) and at the end they turned out all the lights and left us in total darkness. I closed my eyes in prayer and thought, "I wish they had a light shining on just the crucifix" (which is brand new and beautiful!). When I opened my eyes I saw exactly that, only the light was red-even better. It gave me such a sense of the sacrifice Christ made for me. I tried to pour my heart out to Him. I'm never that good at it-but I tried. I told Him that I wanted His will. Or at least that I wanted to want His will. I asked him to strengthen me for whatever He had in store.
By Easter I was truly ready to celebrate! I had done a better job this year reserving my celebration for the actual day of Easter and tried to keep a "Lenten" attitude up until Sunday morning. On Sunday, Ted and I went to Mass and I sang Alleluia with my whole heart! There were tears, yes. There have been a lot of tears this week. But I was still joyful. If Easter teaches us anything, it's that suffering has a redemptive purpose. And despite my tears, that's a reason for rejoicing.
Cardinals Update
I just asked my husband what I should blog about (it's halftime). His immediate response: "Blog about Albert Pujols' two home runs on opening day! What good is your blog if you don't give a Cardinal's update!" Ha! And although I have no desire to make my blog about giving Cardinal's updates, I will give a shout out to the world's greatest baseball team.
So here's to St. Louis-home to Archbishop Raymond Burke for four wonderful years, one of the best seminaries in the US, the Arch, our wedding night getaway, many of our wonderful friends and family back home, beautiful trees and gorgeous road side cliffs, and of course....Albert Pujols.
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