This Is It!

This is the post I've been waiting to write. The post I've dreamed about writing. The post I've written in my head over and over again before pushing it out of my head and refusing to let myself get my hopes up.

We................are...................pregnant!

I honestly can't believe it. I'm still in shock. I want it to sink in but it just won't. We found out on Monday, May 24th, 12 days past ovulation. My first round of blood work was good: progesterone 73 and hCG 117 (at 14 dpo). We're still doing PIO injections as a precaution for another week and then will recheck the levels. I won't get my second hCG results until tomorrow.

When I found out I had NO FEAR. I knew this was going to stick. I knew I was going to meet this little miracle. But it didn't take long for doubt to creep in and now I'm starting to worry, even though my numbers are good.  Our first ultrasound is June 14. I'll be 6 weeks, 5 days. I cannot wait!

Please keep our little one in your prayers. No matter what happens, I am so grateful that God allowed us to co-create a little soul with Him. But meeting this little soul would be that much better! I promise to try to offer up any pain or discomfort for those still waiting to be blessed. (Which is starting early-those PIO shots hurt waaaaay worse than I was expecting!)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

The World Will be a Better Place.....

this Saturday when my cousin Jason is ordained!!! I've been friends with Jason since I was a sophomore and he was a senior in high school. I remember the days before he was even accepted into the seminary. I remember hearing about his first years at Kenrick-Glennon and how awesome they were. I remember when he told me the big secret-that they were sending him to Rome to finish his studies! I remember the first time I saw him when he came back from Rome a deacon and he gave me and Ted a blessing. And now, I'll get to witness his ordination to the priesthood. God is so so good.

Please keep Deacon Jason in your prayers this week. He is such a beautiful soul, on fire with love for the Church and his Blessed Mother, faithful to the Magisterium, and as dynamic a personality as they come. I cannot wait to have him hear my confession and maybe even baptize my babies some day...

We're heading out of town to go up to St. Louis for the ordination extravaganza (seriously-it's a three day event-bigger than our wedding! But of course our wedding wasn't nine years in the making!)  I'll be away from Blog World for the next week or so. But when I return, the world and the Church will be a better place with a new holy priest added to her ranks.

Praise God!

Quick Takes (4)

-1-

Last week, I discovered a baby bunny living in our bushes outside our apartment. It was precious! I stopped to see it on my way in and out and we fed it some lettuce and carrots. It lived in a little hole in the brick wall. One time, I was sitting in the office and I thought I heard it crying. Scared that a dog had gotten to it, I sprang out of my chair and tore through the house to check on it. Ted cracked up at how quickly I jumped into "mommy mode". Instincts I guess.

-2-

The bunny actually helped us meet our upstairs neighbors, who I've been wanting to meet for a while. She is a single mom with three kids and I've been suspicious that the middle one has Autism. The mom saw us looking in the bushes and we struck up a conversation about the bunny. Later that afternoon, the oldest girl (Kindergarten age) banged furiously on our door. When we answered it she excitedly told us that the bunny was out and motioned for us to go see it. So cute! It turns out that the little boy does have Autism and mom was hoping to find a speech therapist to work with him over the summer. Isn't that cool? I'm going to start working with him next week-it'll be an awesome way to help out our neighbors!

-3-

In completely opposite and miserable news: the bunny is dead. A cat got it. Our neighbor saw the whole thing. Poor bunny.

-4-

Ted and I are spending the weekend in Missouri for my sister's high school graduation. I've mentioned this before, but don't mind repeating that she is Valedictorian! I'm so excited to listen to her speech. I already cried just from reading it (but that could very well have been hormones).

-5-

I'm also going to try on the bridesmaid dress I mentioned in a previous post. Although I will be sad about the fact that the dress will actually fit and won't need to be altered because of my bulging baby bump, I am beyond excited to take part in this wedding. Doesn't a good Catholic wedding between two amazing Catholic people make it seem that all is right with the world? Praise God for marriage!

-6-

This coming Tuesday is my last day of work for the semester!! I only have a week and half off before I begin summer school but I will still be rejoicing Tuesday afternoon. I've survived my first year as a speech-language pathologist. My first year at a real job. A post with all my reflections on this coming soon...

-7-

To congratulate me for working so hard, Ted sent me these:

He sent them to my office on Monday so that I could enjoy them at work for the entire week. So thoughtful! He realizes and completely understands how hard this job has been for me. He knows how difficult it is for me to find the time to call insurance companies, follow up with my doctor, and get to lab and ultrasound appointments without missing work. He really appreciates it. And that gives me the strength to keep going.

I looked up the meaning of purple tulips. I knew yellow tulips meant "friendship" and red meant "passion", but I didn't know about purple. I secretly hoped I would find out that they mean "fertile womb" or "finally pregnant after months of Clomid" or possibly "twins" and was only somewhat disappointed when I found out that they mean "royalty". I guess (get ready for the cheese) that just  means I'm Ted's "queen". But come on-wouldn't getting flowers symbolizing motherhood just days/weeks before finding out we're pregnant have been the COOLEST STORY EVER?? I guess I need to do some research and find out what flower DOES mean "motherhood" and make them my new favorite flower...

Happy Friday!

Post Peak Ping Pong

During the two week wait (the time that you're waiting to find out if you're pregnant for my non IF readers) my mind is like a never ending ping pong game. I'm back and forth between being overly hopeful and overly pessimistic. The conversation inside my head never ever ever shuts up. Not even for a second. Here is a rare, never before seen glimpse into the over analytical, slightly compulsive, baby desiring brain of mine:

Pessimistic Kaitlin will be in Italics. Optimistic Kaitlin will be in non-Italics.

We're definitely pregnant this month. I just know it.

There's no way we're pregnant. It's not gonna happen this month.

I wonder how I'm going to surprise Ted when I tell him the news.....

I'm never going to be able to give Ted a child.

I can't wait to tell my parents! I have so many ideas for how to tell them!

My sisters will be the only ones who can give them grand kids.

I think I just felt something in the vicinity of my uterus. Could that be a pregnancy symptom??

Man, this gas sucks.

That is DEFINITELY implantation spotting! I'm pregnant-this confirms it.

There is something seriously wrong me-now I have to figure out why I'm spotting in my luteal phase.

I think that was implantation cramping. What cycle day am I on?

I'm sure it was just a cyst rupturing. Wonderful.

Jesus, I trust in You!

God, I am so angry with You right now.


Are you left wondering how I appear sane to my friends and co-workers for even a second? Me too.  Thank God for the pre-peak phase when you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there is no baby in your womb. If I had to deal with this kind of torture all month, I think I'd be in the nut house.

Another Ultrasound Update

I just got off the phone with my doctor, who is back from Florida and able to lay eyes on my ultrasound pics. The verdict?? He is sure they are ALL THREE follicles! I actually ovulated! On my own! Times three!!!

He suggests keeping with 50mg on CD 3-5 for two more cycles. If I'm not pregnant by then we'll move on to the next step. The good (no-great!) news is that I'm responding really well to the medicine right now. The bad news is that he said those dreaded words (the same ones JBTC just heard): "Everything looks great-you should get pregnant any time now!"  I wanted to scream "then why aren't I???" but I resisted. He's too wonderful to yell at.

A few other things we talked about: getting my thyroid checked (the Hilgers way). Since he is not very comfortable with this aspect of NaPro yet, I'm going to try to do it straight through Hilgers. Both doctors are long distance (so phone visits only) and both are not covered by my insurance-so I may as well go with the expert!  Has anyone else done the thyroid testing long distance with Hilgers? Any adivce?

We also talked about infection (thanks to the promptings of Wheelbarrow Rider). All of my cultures came back negative last November, but I still have all-the-time mucus and TEBB. I told him I was concerned that it was indicative of something underlying and wanted to know if the cultures had been done the "Hilgers" way. He said he needed to brush up on this aspect of NaPro and that he would call me next week. We may do some another round of cultures-but I'm driving through his town on my way home in two weeks so it won't be a problem!

Then he started talking about what to do WHEN I get pregnant (I still said IF). (Since he's out of town-he won't be my OB) We'll start with POI (200mg 2x week) if we can't get the progesterone results back soon enough. If we get them back and they're good, we won't even do it. He suggested getting a quantitative HCG and a progesterone level as soon as I find out. He said to wait on an ultrasound until 7 weeks to listen for a heartbeat, but that if I wanted to see a doctor earlier that I should just explain my history and they should get me in. He didn't mention anything about a beta but I've seen that done for other girls. Anyone care to elaborate on that?

Needless to say, I'm pretty excited! Thank you Lord for my wonderful doctor!

Ultrasound Update

We spent almost every day last week doing ultrasounds to watch my follicles. We were planning on doing an HCG trigger when the dominant follicle got to 2.0 cm but this never happened. Here are the results of the u/s, to the best of my memory. I'm feeling pretty down about this. If anyone has any suggestions or ideas-you know I'll always take them!

Keep in mind that my doctor hasn't seen any of my images yet, only the u/s girl saw them. He was on a beach in Florida and called everyday for an update. God bless him.

CD 12: Left ovary has three "somethings". My u/s girl and doctor think they're cysts. One is measuring at 1.6, one at 2.0, and one at 2.5 (ish). There's a follicle on the right measuring .8.

CD 14: All three "somethings" on the left have grown to 1.7, 2.5, and 3.5. I have some pretty heavy ovulation pain this evening that lasts for 5-6 hours. It's not much different than every other month, just way stronger. The follicle on the right only grew to .9.

CD 15: All three "somethings" are completely gone. They ruptured on their own! With no HCG. My u/s girl suspects that maybe they were follicles all along and not really cysts and that I actually produced three eggs. I don't believe her, until she calls me and tells me that the doctor thought the same thing. Then I talk to Ann (the Nest Builder) and she has the exact same reaction. I get super excited, hope that at least one of them will find their way through my tube, and tell God that I'd even take triplets! There is another little "something" on the left that looks like a follicle that either sprang up over night or was hidden before. It measures at 1.0. The follicle on the right is shrinking and we stop watching it.

CD 16: The 1.0 follicle on the left is shrinking, so it definitely wasn't the dominant one. I also have a brand new cyst on the left (definitely a cyst because it was filled with debris) that went from non-existent to 3.5 over night. Nothing else has changed. My doctor tells the u/s girl to tell me that he thinks I need to up my dosage of Clomid to 75mg since I'm still not producing a 2.0 follicle. WHAT IN THE WORLD? I thought yesterday I had three follicles! Now I have two cysts and an under-developed follicle. I have no idea what changed his mind. He's going to look at my charts and P+7 b/w when he gets back. He says we might have to check on the cyst before I do any more Clomid. grrrrr.

CD 17: Peak Day.

So I'm really at a loss. What started out as bad news, turned into great news, and then back into bad news. I have very little hope for this cycle and wonder if I'll ever be able to actually produce a stinking follicle.

Side note: during the one day span that I thought I had produced three follicles, I actually said the words "I don't want to get my hopes up" Hello?? Have I even read my own blog? Some lessons are harder to learn than others I guess.

The Dress Dare: Halfway Point

Well, it's been 15 straight days of wearing nothing but dresses and skirts. I mentioned earlier that I wear them a lot in the summer anyway, so didn't think it was going to be a big deal-but I definitely miss my jeans. Here are a couple of random reflections on how it's gone so far:

People at work must have noticed by now that I haven't worn pants in two weeks. I occasionally wore a skirt last summer, but not this often. Every once in a while I get a compliment on a skirt-but not often. No one has made me feel weird or seemed to think anything of it.

I made the mistake of wearing a dress that only went a little below my knees on a Thursday. Remember my little kiddo I see on Tuesdays and Thursdays?? (see #4) Well I went out to his house in the afternoon and immediately apologized to his mom for what I was wearing. I told her that I had a banquet right after school and forgot about coming to see him (which was true). I just kind of laughed it off and said, "we'll just see how this goes!". It wasn't easy. He feet were up my skirt at least a dozen times. I couldn't sit cross-legged like I usually do and had to keep moving around to keep my legs from falling asleep because of all the weird positions I was in. At one point he pushed the dress so high up that my entire thighs were showing. I think there's something to be said about modesty in this situation as well. If wearing a skirt or dress causes this much trouble and you run the risk of flashing your underwear to a four year old-wouldn't pants be a better option?? It was a long half hour...

Sometimes I feel kind of frumpy in m skirts. Although I also feel very lady like-the frumpiness sets in from time to time. The other day I went to grocery store wearing an ankle length skirt and t-shirt. I thought it looked pretty good, but on my way out of the apartment I passed a girl wearing short shorts and a spaghetti strap tank. It struck me how much of her skin was showing and how much of mine was covered. We were probably the exact same age-but I felt really old. Ted went shopping with me and afterward he said that he noticed several women giving me looks for wearing such a long skirt. I didn't notice them (I'm on a mission when it comes to grocery shopping-I can tune out anything!). He said they weren't mean looks, just kind of extended, curious stares. I suspect they're thinking "why is such a skinny/small/young girl wearing that?" I guess I was a good witness! Being skinny, small, or young doesn't give you a reason to show too much skin.

During our weekend in New Orleans I saw tons of girls wearing skirts and dresses. Apparently it's very "in" this season. At first I thought, wow-I really fit in! Then later I realized that my dress was the only one that went below my knees. (I take that back, some went to the floor-but were accompanied by major cleavage.) I didn't notice any stares or strange glances when I was wearing my dress (come on-it's New Orleans! Why would people stare at me when they have the silver man, the weird cowboy clown, and the mime with the huge dress to stare at!) but I wore a longer skirt on Sunday and got a few looks. Overall, I really enjoyed wearing them all weekend! I felt pretty and feminine and Ted told me that he loved having such a lady by his side.

I can't end a dress dare update without talking about swimming suits. We spent the afternoon at the pool today (yes-it's 90 here!) and it forced me to think about things that I don't like thinking about. Here are my thoughts on swimming suits. No official Church teaching stuff here, just the thoughts that come from my head and many conversations with holy friends.

No two pieces. At all. Your stomach is for your husband. And the bottoms are usually so low cut-again, only for your husband!

No cleavage. I realize this is much harder for some women than it is for me. God didn't bless me much in this area, so I really don't have to try that hard to keep 'em covered. But I do still have to try. It takes a lot of searching and lot of constantly pulling up your straps. But this is important.

No butt cheeks. Despite my small size, this one is really really hard for me. Virtually every swimming suit in the world is going to show my butt -no matter how modest it may think it is. I'm constantly tugging at the suit trying to get it to cover more. Sometimes I wear shorts or keep a towel wrapped around my waist, but I take them off before getting in the water. I'm still trying to find a good balance on this one.

And the same rules apply to kids-little girls should not be seen in public wearing the equivalent of a bra and underwear.

Those are the rules I currently abide by, but I'm still not satisfied with them. I still feel like I'm showing too much leg and I'm breaking my no-sleeveless rule every time. I don't want to wear a potato sack though! Any suggestions??

The pool at our apartment complex is usually filled with college students. Despite going nearly every day last summer, I'm still shocked at some of the suits I see girls wearing. Honestly-I have lingerie that covers more than that! My husband tries so hard to keep his eyes away, but I don't expect him to be perfect when even I can't help from looking! I definitely get a lot of stares for wearing a one piece. The only other people wearing them are ladies at least 20 years older than me, and even they have cleavage hanging out. I stand out-there's no denying it. But if I'm going to try to make a statement with my suit-shouldn't it at least be a completely positive one? Not just that it's ok to have your butt hanging out as long as your stomach is covered? I'm still a work in progress on this one.

I'm also concerned about getting major tan lines on my back and shoulders. I'm in a wedding this summer and wearing a strapless dress. The bride ordered some fabric to make shawls for the Mass, but I'm sure all the other bridesmaids will take them off for the reception-maybe even for the pictures. Do I have the guts to be the only one to keep it on? Should I bring a sweater to put over my shoulders for after the Mass? I really don't know-I have two months to decide.

And with regards to exercise clothes-if you didn't read the comment that my friend Lauren left on my last post, you should really check it out. (It's under my name-I posted it for her.) I completely agree with what she has to say, with only one concern. She still lives in Missouri. And anyone in the South knows there's a complete difference in both heat and humidity during the summer from Missouri to Mississippi. In Missouri, you can run outside early in the morning or as the sun is going down and be just fine. Not so in Mississippi. The humidity is already sweltering at 6:00 am and doesn't go away at sunset. Sometimes the heat is so bad that I'm sweating just by going to get the mail. Should the same rules apply in this situation? Anyone got any thoughts? How is everyone else doing with the Dress Dare?