Praying for Friends

In early May the blogs were buzzing with news of miraculous pregnancies. I was going through yet another period and failed cycle. It seemed like  blessings were being poured out to everyone but me. Women who had been trying for 4 years or more found themselves pregnant by the grace of God. Announcement after announcement revealed the power of the Holy Spirit. And I felt alone.

But just a few short weeks later I joined the ranks of women who could announce pregnancies. I became a mommy and life has been so different ever since.

The past few weeks, the blogs have been filled with women who have either received children through adoption or are becoming increasingly close to bring home their adopted child. So many women have wonderful news of birth mothers selflessly giving over their children, due dates drawing near, and holding their precious child in their arms the very day they were told they were going to be parents.

So many times in life it seems that blessings come in packs. And, unfortunately, it seems to be the same for heartache.

In the last week or so five bloggers have dealt with miscarriage. Five amazing, beautiful women who don't deserve this pain. For some it was their first pregnancy. Others have suffered this far too many times. Others have received devastating medical news with the results of their miscarriage. And others are praying that their baby makes it as I type this.

It seems like every day I tell my husband that a dear blogger friend has lost their baby. My growing belly and excitement about my upcoming baby shower are bittersweet.

I'm 14 weeks along. Surprisingly, these sad announcements don't make me scared for own baby (any more than I already am of course). I'm so overwhelmed with sorrow for these women that I honestly can't think about myself, which is rare for this selfish blogger. Tears stream down my face as I fight to get through these posts. It's. just. not. fair.

Life is precious and if miscarriage teaches me nothing else, it teaches me that. God gives and God takes away.

When I've mentioned to friends or written posts about my fears surrounding miscarriage, I've sometimes been dismissed as a "typical worrying pregnant lady". And yes, I realize that ALL pregnant women have at least some fear of loosing the child in their wombs. And while I don't mean to glorify sorrow in any way, there is a fundamental difference from a typical woman fearing miscarriage and a woman who has endured infertility fearing miscarriage. That difference is the gut wrenching, deep in your soul, stomach sinking feeling that if you were to miscarry, you may never have another chance again.

This is not to say that having a baby after miscarriage could EVER replace the baby that you lost. That is absolutely false. But for someone who had to undergo surgeries, ultrasounds, injections, blood work, and countless amounts of pills just to bring that baby into existence-loosing a baby is doubly hard.

Although I don't dwell on miscarriage on a daily basis-it's never far from my mind. And I know that if we loose our little bean, we might never have a chance to have an earthly child. Our conception was a miracle (not that all aren't). And who knows if God would ever bless us with that miracle again.

I'm not writing this post to be morbid. I hope I don't upset any of of the dear women who are currently struggling with this, I'm sure this was a thought they've already realized. I am simply asking anyone who reads this blog to pray for these five women. To be understanding to the pain and heartache that miscarriage creates, especially for someone who had to fight so hard to get pregnant in the first place.

St. Gianna, pray for us.
St. Gerard, pray for us.

Bump Picture, New Job, and Butterfinger Blast

Bumpity Bump Bump

Due to popular demand, I present to you........

My 14 week belly!

I got a comment about it today from a woman who may or may not know I'm pregnant. I'm going with "didn't know" so I can pretend I'm already showing to people who don't know! Even though I've said it in previous pictures, I am NOT arching my back! Every time we take these pictures it looks like I'm sticking it out-but I assure you that my butt is just that big and my back is just that curved.

Survival!!

I survived my first week at my new job! It was crazy, exciting, stressful, encouraging, and overall pretty good. I'm doing mostly the same thing I did in my previous job-which is to drive around to day cares and preschools to give 3-5 year olds speech and language therapy.  I'm also doing a lot of testing to qualify new kids for speech-language services. Most people complain about having to drive around so much and having to drag all their therapy supplies with them-but I love it! I love the flexibility. I love the change in scenery. And I love the time spent in my car decompressing. But I also love......the weekend!

Sonic-a-holic

Tonight, as we were finishing dinner (that Ted made by the way!), I turned to Ted and said, "I could really use some ice cream after this long week of work...." all but giving him the wink. "You think everything deserves Sonic!" he said. "What about my first week of work?" (which will start in a few weeks). "We'll go again for your first week!" I said.

And enlightening Ted on the ways of the world, I then said, "There are lots of good reasons to have a Butterfinger Blast Ted," and proceeded to ramble off said reasons.

He laughed and said that was good material for a blog post. He THEN said we could go to Sonic tonight IF I wrote a blog post that contained the reasons I told him, at least 9 more reasons, and made him laugh.  So, the following are situations that justify splurging on a delicious ice cream treat from Sonic:

You just finished your first week of a work at a new job! Yay!

You just finished your first week of a work back at an old job! Woo Hoo!

You're pregnant and Butterfinger is the only thing that won't make you sick. Necessary!

You're pregnant but finally over your 9 weeks of nausea! Yes!

Your husband just made you a nice dinner! Thanks!

Your husband made you a nice dinner that only consisted of ingredients you already had in the house, thus keeping you on budget for the month! Wow!

You had a BAD day. Boo!

You had a GREAT day! Alright!

You found five dollars in the wash. Awesome!

Sonic shakes are two-for-one! Perfect!

You're hot because the AC in your truck doesn't work. Whew!

You have three friends on facebook with birthdays today! Happy Birthday!

You got up early and made it to Mass before work! Good job!

You can actually go to Mass in the mornings because you no longer have a 35 minute commute! Praise God!

You just found out your sister is coming to visit you in a few weeks! Fun!

Your two year anniversary is only three days away! Praise God again!

You adjusted your online budget last week to automatically put Sonic in "entertainment" instead of the ridiculously high and out of control "groceries" category. Smart!

and...

You have a husband that loves you and laughs at your attempt to be funny!.......so do I get to go to Sonic now??

Pregnancy Update

It's fun to post when I have lots of exciting changes to report....but not so fun when nothing changes. Or at least not much changes.  But here's what I got...

I'll be 14 weeks tomorrow!

I've gained 9 pounds!

I only have one pair of dress pants that still fit me and am wearing them to work every day.

My belly is getting bigger, but is still small when I wake up in the morning. Apparently my little baby only likes to stretch out in the afternoon and evening.

I have no more nausea!!!!!!

The tiredness is getting better, but I'm still a bit sluggish.

No more cravings or food aversions. Just a little hungrier than normal.

I'm a bit emotional, but nothing extreme. I was listening to a song the other day about everything belonging to God and being able to let it go. It made me think of a mother saying goodbye to her child as he left for college. I started crying thinking about our little cutie in the ultrasound pic growing up and leaving me for college. He's growing up too fast! Already 3 inches!!  Ok, maybe that is "extreme".

I can't feel any movement yet, but I definitely feel SOMETHING! My stomach is non-stop gurgling, shifting, and stretching. It feels funny, but I don't think it is the baby moving. Maybe just the baby moving other stuff around.

I burp. All the time. I mean ALL the time. Ted is amazed. I would win any contest you put me in. Bring it on.

That's about it! I turned 25 today and can't believe I will have a baby in my arms on my next birthday.  For my birthday, Ted gave me a Willow Tree statue of a pregnant woman. I cried and cried. When he asked why I could just barely get out, "I just never thought I would be able to get a present like this for my birthday." But it's real. It's wonderful. I'm so thankful. The caption for the statue is "Awaiting a miracle." Amazing.

Restless

"Our hearts are restless until they rest in You" -St. Augustine.

Has there ever been a truer phrase uttered from the mouth of a saint? My heart is, indeed, restless.

Ted and I celebrated my birthday yesterday. It's not actually until Tuesday, but his stupid annoying LAST work trip forced us to move the celebration. On our way out to the lake for a swim he turned on the CD player in his truck so that I could hear my birthday present-the Audrey Assad CD! As I listened to the songs while hanging out of the window (his truck doesn't have AC and it was 99 degrees outside!) one struck me in particular. She uses the wise words of St. Augustine and sings, "I am restless until I rest in You."

It hit me. I'm restless. Because I'm not resting in Him.

It's been nearly impossible for me to blog about anything these last two weeks. I have no energy, no motivation, nothing to say. I've started about a half dozen posts only to abandon them to go take a nap or waste time on facebook. As I listened to the words of the song, I thought of a line from The Reed of God (the book I'm reading for Lauren's book study). Houselander writes:

Just as no one can have an ordinary child of flesh and blood without there being a union of flesh and blood first, no one can generate spiritual life without first having a union with the Spirit.

And there you have it. I have such a limited union with the Spirit right now that I am completely incapable of generating any kind of spiritual life, on this blog or otherwise.

I've had nearly two months to rest during my summer off. Two months to rest as I complete my first trimester. Rest that should have been rejuvenating, fulfilling, even spiritual.  But have I rested? No. I've been lazy. I've taken lots of naps. But I haven't rested. I haven't taken the time off to immerse myself in God's rest, in His peace. I've wasted the last two months and now it's over. Tomorrow is my first day back to work. I'm sitting here wondering how I'm going to be able to handle it. How I'm going to find the energy, the motivation, the enthusiasm that my job requires of me. When I should be sitting here with excitement and anticipation about the year to come, all of the kids I'm going to help, and the memories that will be made.

And this is NOT just because I'm tired from pregnancy. There is a fundamental difference between being tired and being lazy. And I'm just lazy. I have no strength to accomplish anything because I haven't asked God for His strength. I have no peace about what I've done during the day because I haven't reflected on His peace. And I have no true rest when I lay my head down at night because my heart as been resting in the things of this world, rather than in Him.

I made a new goal for myself-that I will spend at least a few minutes in prayer every morning and every evening by myself. I know, I know-I'm sure everyone who is reading this is thinking, "What?? You don't PRAY" And the answer is-not really. Not like I should. Ted leads us in prayer every night before bed and I try to follow along. I pray before all of my meals and ask pardon for those in purgatory. And sometimes I even go to daily Mass and stick around just long enough to say a St. Michael prayer. But that's about it. No quiet time with God. No reflecting on the triumphs and sins of the past day. No real prayer.

It would have made sense to start this new time of prayer BEFORE my life became hectic with a 40 hour work week! It would have made sense to get into the habit of morning and evening prayer when I actually had TIME to do it! But I didn't do that. So I'm starting today. Better late than never right?

I'm using the morning and and evening prayers that are included in the Magnificat. This morning's was just perfect, as were the readings for Mass. Psalm 62 says, "In God alone is my soul at rest, my help comes from Him...In God alone be at rest my soul, for my hope comes from Him."

My treasures have been stored up in earth. My rest is the false, deceitful rest of this world.

Lord, help me to find true rest in You. Unite my heart to your Spirit, so that I may generate spiritual life.

Quick Takes (11)

-1-

Quick Takes are my favorite posts to write. They take very little brain power and even less creativity. I like that.

-2-

After our ultrasound on Monday, this pregnancy has been much more real. I mean, we KNEW it was a baby before. But now we know that it LOOKS like a baby too. We've been talking more about more and "when the baby gets here" and giggling about how excited we are. Ted talks to my stomach every morning and night. I catch myself just standing in front of the fridge starring at the ultrasound pic (and kissing it). It's really fun. And very special. And I'm soaking in every second.

-3-

There is nothing in the world more beautiful (or sexier) than coming to the bedroom at night and finding your husband laying in bed reading the baby book you had on your nightstand. Nothing.

-4-

I'm in love with a new Catholic artist. Audrey Assad. Complicated Life mentioned her in a post. I usually don't follow links from other people-but I'm glad I checked this one out. Absolutely stunning voice. Thought provoking lyrics. And Catholic! And not just any Catholic-a convert! The best kind! I know exactly what I want for my birthday in two weeks!

Audrey Assad - Love is Moving - Cornerstone Chandler - Worship from brianwurzell on Vimeo.

Go here to hear more. Every song I've heard so far is brilliant, but the one from the video is particularly breath taking. I love when I find a new song/artist that lifts my soul to heaven, helps me to pray, and makes me feel like the angels are singing it. They are rare and very valuable.

-5-

Speaking of angels...Ted and I were talking about our guardian angels last night and had some interesting ideas. I was saying how neat it is that I have two guardian angels following me around all day now (one for me and one for the baby!). Ted told me I actually had three because he "sends" his guardian angel to be with me during the day while he's at work. Isn't it true that if you "send" your angel to be with someone else you still have their protection too? Where did I hear that?

We then started talking about whether or not our guardian angels are friends. I scripted the conversation that could have happened between our angels and the baby's angel at the moment of conception: The new angel swoops in and both of our angels rejoice because they know it means I'm pregnant. The baby's angel introduces himself and they start getting to know each other because they realize they're going to be together for a looong time. Or when I get home from a weekend away, do our angels hug and tell each other they missed each other just like Ted and I do?  I'm so excited to find all that out in heaven.

-6-

I think I'm moving into that glorious second trimester. My nausea is almost completely gone and I'm back to being able to eat just about anything. Thank goodness we had the ultrasound on Monday or I would be a nervous wreck!

-7-

Stop by Karen's blog and offer some prayers if you can. She's entering the Church this weekend!

Enjoy your weekend!

From Her Humanity

Nothing I could ever think of or write about would be as worthwhile and the reflection I want to share with you. It's from The Reed of God by Caryll Houslander. Lauren is hosting a book study on it and I am blown away by every single line. This reflection on Mary as pregnant with Jesus especially stood out to me. I just had to share.

Working, eating, she was forming His body from hers. His flesh and blood. From her humanity she gave Him His humanity.
Walking in the streets of Nazareth to do her shopping, visit her friends, she set His feet on the path of Jerusalem.
Washing, weaving, kneading, sweeping, her hands prepared His hands for the nails.

Every beat of her heart gave Him His heart to love with. His heart to be broken by love.
All her experience of the world about her was gathered to Christ growing in her.
Looking upon the flowers, she gave Him human sight. Talking with her neighbors, she gave Him a human voice. The voice we still hear in the silence of souls saying, 'Consider the lilies of the field.'

Sleeping her her still room, she gave Him the sleep of the child in the cradle, the sleep of the young man rocked on the storm-tossed boat.

Breaking and eating the bread, drinking the wine of the country, she gave Him His flesh and blood; she prepared the Host for the Mass.
 
What an amazing and truly awesome responsibility. To be the Mother of God. We can't turn to Mary often enough. We can't ask for her intercession too many times. She was closer to Jesus than any other human being ever was and ever will be. And she gives herself to us today as a model of grace and an intercessor before the throne.
 
We are so, so blessed.
 
Lord, let every beat of my heart, every step I take, every prayer I pray, and every moment I spend in rest bring my baby closer to You. Let the love I show to others imprint Your love on my baby's soul. Help me to model my life after Your Blessed Mother. Help me to be a worthy mother to the precious soul which you have entrusted to me.

Miracle on the Screen

We had our second ultrasound today! It was even more amazing than the first because it actually looked like a baby! All those fears and worries melted away as soon as I heard our u/s girl say, "Well, it's an active little thing-squirming all over the place!" I couldn't see the screen yet and said, "He moves???" "Oh yeah," she said, "moving so much I can't keep an eye on him."

Movement=heartbeat=alive=we're still having a baby!!

Ted was overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed. It was truly amazing.

We, of course, took a video and I'm so glad we did because I could watch that little bean swim around all day long. Although he calmed down a bit by the time we got out the camera, we still saw some amazing tricks! At one point it even looks like he waves to us! And his thighs are so cute-I just wanna pinch them. I saw his brain and it's huge-we're going to have one incredibly smart baby :)

LOVE that little leg!

I couldn't believe we could see the face so clearly. Ted is trying to decide whose nose he has.

"Hi Mom and Dad!" That's a little hand!

Doing his daily neck exercises. It just blew me away that he could lift his head. Crazy!

I love that you can hear Ted smiling and laughing in disbelief in the background. He's framing an ultrasound picture to take to work as I type this.

164 beats per minute! Music to my ears.

Our visit with our OB went pretty well. Nothing to complain about. We checked my progesterone for the first time in 4 weeks and it's still in the 80's! It's mind boggling to me that my body is working. And not just working-but working overtime! My NaPro nurse said those were the best numbers she's ever seen! I like to picture the little bean just swimming around in a huge pool of healthy progesterone. Keep it up kid.

And I realized I used "he" and "him" throughout this entire post. We both feel like it's a boy today-but that changes. I think we feel that way because of a kid we saw at Walmart yesterday. Probably about three years old, he was walking through the aisles with his dad carrying his brand new Spiderman fishing pole, Spiderman tackle box, and Spiderman sunglasses. Ted was grinning from ear to ear and said in all seriousness, "that'll be the best day of my life." Strangely enough, it will be one of the best days of mine too. And today also makes the top 10 list!

**It's also mind boggling to me that babies even farther along than ours are still aborted in their mother's womb. You can't watch that video and tell me that's not life. There is no argument that will ever be convincing.