Like so many others, I too will be signing off for Holy Week. I think it'll be good for me. I've only been blogging for two months but I'm already pretty addicted. The break is needed and hopefully will help me concentrate on Christ's Passion and Resurrection.
I'll be reflecting on this during Holy Week. This skit brings me to tears and gives me goosebumps every time I watch it. Let us all remember, as we approach Good Friday, that our Lord bares the brunt of our pain. If it wasn't for His strength and compassion, we would all be swallowed whole by the evil of the world. I thank God that my life has never come to the point of the girl's in the skit and I pray for all those who have experienced this kind of pain. As the song says, "how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?" I hope you all have an Easter that truly moves you closer to the love that Christ has for you.
See you after Easter!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I "Just Know"
I just know. This phrase has been uttered out of my mouth on numerous occasions. There are three different types of situations in which I just know something:
The first: when I present a fact or statistic about any given topic and have no idea how to back it up. I'm notorious known for easily recalling beautiful quotes from saints, minute details of obscure Church teachings, and shocking facts to persuade someone in a heated debate. "St. Theresa of Avila once said...." "Well you know, the Church's position on infant baptism by a lay person clearly states..." or "This county has the largest per capita abuse rate in the entire state!" But when presented with the question of, "how did you know that?" I can only respond, "I just know." I can't recall who told me, where I read it, or how I know it's true. I just know. It doesn't make for a very convincing argument.
The second: when I have complete conviction and clarity that something will occur. I just knew I would marry Ted. Even before we started dating. I remember girlfriends asking me how I knew he was "the one". Besides the list of reasons why he would make the world's greatest husband, my best answer was simply, "I just know." In another, not-so-exciting example, I just knew we were going to have problems getting pregnant. Again, even before we were married. I had already had a successful surgery to remove endo years earlier and my doctor had NO DOUBT that I wouldn't have any trouble conceiving. That was little comfort. Ted and I started trying to get pregnant before it was really "convenient". He was working a minimum wage job, I was in grad school, and our tiny apartment barely contained the two of us. Nevertheless, we started trying for a baby. Part of the reason it was so easy for me to try despite the circumstances was that I just knew we wouldn't actually get pregnant. There was no logical reason behind it. But I just knew.
The third: this one is a little weird. Let me preface it by saying that I fully understand and support the Church's teaching on "paranormal" activities. I do not read my horoscope or believe in fortune tellers, and I even shy away from Harry Potter because I fear crossing the line on the Church's teaching. I do, however, get the occasional "premonition" (if that's even the right word for it). I've had these gut feelings all my life that tell me when something is going to happen. Silly little things. In grade school I just knew when my name was going to be called on. I could feel it coming. Literally every time I've ever won anything by drawing a name out of a hat (like a 50/50 drawing or door prize) I've known I was going to win. This past New Year's we played a game with our friends that had a cash prize (a whopping $11!) and I just knew I was going to win. Even before we sat down to play the game. I'm hardly ever surprised when I win something. And as much as I've tried to "create" this feeling in hopes of getting the million dollar lottery ticket, it can't be done. When my name is called and I step up to claim my prize, I'll lean over to Ted and say,"I knew I was going to win." He always asks, "how did you know??" And my answer is always the same: I just know!
With all of those instances in my life when I have just known something, wouldn't it only make sense that I'll just know when I'm pregnant? I'm only a few days past peak day, but I told Ted I wasn't pregnant today. "How do you know?" he asked. "If I was, I think I would just know." "That's why they make home pregnancy tests," he said, "because you can't just know!" And I realize that all rational and reasonable thought suggests that I'm being ridiculous. But I really do think I would just know if I was pregnant. I thought I knew, one day last week. I just felt that there was something (someone) inside of me. I felt like my stomach was glowing all day. But the feeling was gone the next day and it hasn't returned. I think I was just getting my hopes up.
I know that everyone reading this is thinking I'm wrong, that there is no way to just know. If there was, there would be no such thing as the "two week wait". But I can't seem to shake the idea from my head. I mean, if there was a newly created soul living inside of my body, wouldn't I know about?? Even if he or she was only the size of a pin point! It seems so strange to me that there could be a baby inside of me RIGHT NOW and I could have no idea. It just boggles my mind.
This concept of just knowing got me thinking about Mary. We celebrated the Feast of the Annunciation just three days ago (the day that the Angel Gabriel announced to Mary she would conceive Jesus). I wonder when she actually became pregnant. Was it at the exact moment she said her now famous words of "be it done unto me according to thy word"? Or did it happen later in the day, week, or even month? Did God have to wait until she was on cycle day 14-15 before sending down His only son? And no matter when Jesus was actually conceived-when did Mary actually know about it? Did she have to endure the same two week wait that we are all faced with? When the angel left, did Mary feel pregnant? Or did she continue about her day waiting to see if anything happened? Something tells me that Mary just knew that Jesus had been conceived in her womb. Surely the Mother of God didn't go about not knowing if God himself was inside of her! Even if it was just for two weeks!
But I guess it doesn't matter whether or not Mary just knew that Jesus was in her womb. I was not immaculately conceived, am not without original sin, nor am I carrying the Son of God (even if I AM pregnant!) I don't suppose God is going to bless me with the same understanding that Mary may have received. I guess I'm going to wait until either the cramps kick in or I miss my period. Just like everyone else.
The first: when I present a fact or statistic about any given topic and have no idea how to back it up. I'm notorious known for easily recalling beautiful quotes from saints, minute details of obscure Church teachings, and shocking facts to persuade someone in a heated debate. "St. Theresa of Avila once said...." "Well you know, the Church's position on infant baptism by a lay person clearly states..." or "This county has the largest per capita abuse rate in the entire state!" But when presented with the question of, "how did you know that?" I can only respond, "I just know." I can't recall who told me, where I read it, or how I know it's true. I just know. It doesn't make for a very convincing argument.
The second: when I have complete conviction and clarity that something will occur. I just knew I would marry Ted. Even before we started dating. I remember girlfriends asking me how I knew he was "the one". Besides the list of reasons why he would make the world's greatest husband, my best answer was simply, "I just know." In another, not-so-exciting example, I just knew we were going to have problems getting pregnant. Again, even before we were married. I had already had a successful surgery to remove endo years earlier and my doctor had NO DOUBT that I wouldn't have any trouble conceiving. That was little comfort. Ted and I started trying to get pregnant before it was really "convenient". He was working a minimum wage job, I was in grad school, and our tiny apartment barely contained the two of us. Nevertheless, we started trying for a baby. Part of the reason it was so easy for me to try despite the circumstances was that I just knew we wouldn't actually get pregnant. There was no logical reason behind it. But I just knew.
The third: this one is a little weird. Let me preface it by saying that I fully understand and support the Church's teaching on "paranormal" activities. I do not read my horoscope or believe in fortune tellers, and I even shy away from Harry Potter because I fear crossing the line on the Church's teaching. I do, however, get the occasional "premonition" (if that's even the right word for it). I've had these gut feelings all my life that tell me when something is going to happen. Silly little things. In grade school I just knew when my name was going to be called on. I could feel it coming. Literally every time I've ever won anything by drawing a name out of a hat (like a 50/50 drawing or door prize) I've known I was going to win. This past New Year's we played a game with our friends that had a cash prize (a whopping $11!) and I just knew I was going to win. Even before we sat down to play the game. I'm hardly ever surprised when I win something. And as much as I've tried to "create" this feeling in hopes of getting the million dollar lottery ticket, it can't be done. When my name is called and I step up to claim my prize, I'll lean over to Ted and say,"I knew I was going to win." He always asks, "how did you know??" And my answer is always the same: I just know!
With all of those instances in my life when I have just known something, wouldn't it only make sense that I'll just know when I'm pregnant? I'm only a few days past peak day, but I told Ted I wasn't pregnant today. "How do you know?" he asked. "If I was, I think I would just know." "That's why they make home pregnancy tests," he said, "because you can't just know!" And I realize that all rational and reasonable thought suggests that I'm being ridiculous. But I really do think I would just know if I was pregnant. I thought I knew, one day last week. I just felt that there was something (someone) inside of me. I felt like my stomach was glowing all day. But the feeling was gone the next day and it hasn't returned. I think I was just getting my hopes up.
I know that everyone reading this is thinking I'm wrong, that there is no way to just know. If there was, there would be no such thing as the "two week wait". But I can't seem to shake the idea from my head. I mean, if there was a newly created soul living inside of my body, wouldn't I know about?? Even if he or she was only the size of a pin point! It seems so strange to me that there could be a baby inside of me RIGHT NOW and I could have no idea. It just boggles my mind.
This concept of just knowing got me thinking about Mary. We celebrated the Feast of the Annunciation just three days ago (the day that the Angel Gabriel announced to Mary she would conceive Jesus). I wonder when she actually became pregnant. Was it at the exact moment she said her now famous words of "be it done unto me according to thy word"? Or did it happen later in the day, week, or even month? Did God have to wait until she was on cycle day 14-15 before sending down His only son? And no matter when Jesus was actually conceived-when did Mary actually know about it? Did she have to endure the same two week wait that we are all faced with? When the angel left, did Mary feel pregnant? Or did she continue about her day waiting to see if anything happened? Something tells me that Mary just knew that Jesus had been conceived in her womb. Surely the Mother of God didn't go about not knowing if God himself was inside of her! Even if it was just for two weeks!
But I guess it doesn't matter whether or not Mary just knew that Jesus was in her womb. I was not immaculately conceived, am not without original sin, nor am I carrying the Son of God (even if I AM pregnant!) I don't suppose God is going to bless me with the same understanding that Mary may have received. I guess I'm going to wait until either the cramps kick in or I miss my period. Just like everyone else.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
A Shared Question and a Shared Desire
I think Mother Teresa is reading my blog. I've read a little more in Come Be My Light since my post earlier this morning and was so completely struck by one line that I read. Mother Teresa had the exact same question I did! When writing to the archbishop (who had not yet approved her new order) she writes "does the good God give these desires and not mean them to come true?" You can tell by the way she words this that she obviously thinks the answer is "of course not". Our good God does not give us desires that He doesn't mean to come true. And although that is a very, very difficult concept to swallow, it filled me with hope.
There are many more days when I consider the fact that God will NOT bless us with children than days that I do. But Mother Teresa seems to be telling me otherwise. She seems to be telling me that God does, in fact, grant our desires. How do I wrestle this out in my mind? I'm not sure. I trust this beautiful and holy saint, but I also know that there are many people with my same desire who DO NOT have children. I'm not sure what to do with this. But for a brief moment, when I read those words, I actually believed that God would give us a baby. It felt wonderful. But it's already fading.
Mother Teresa continues with words that I could have written myself, although not as eloquently and not as beautiful. She writes, "It is now well over one year that they [the desires] came, they have increased with every Holy Mass and Holy Communion. I long, I desire to bring to Him many souls-to make each soul love God with a burning love..." Mother Teresa was referring to the poor souls in the slums of Calcutta. She wanted to bring them God and help them develop a love for Him. I desire the same thing, to bring souls to God. And while I don't think I'm being called to move to India, I do think I'm being called to raise children in a Catholic home and teach them to love the Lord with their whole hearts. I desire to have children so that I can bring them to God, to make them love God with a burning love. And would the good God give me these desires and not mean them to come true?
There are many more days when I consider the fact that God will NOT bless us with children than days that I do. But Mother Teresa seems to be telling me otherwise. She seems to be telling me that God does, in fact, grant our desires. How do I wrestle this out in my mind? I'm not sure. I trust this beautiful and holy saint, but I also know that there are many people with my same desire who DO NOT have children. I'm not sure what to do with this. But for a brief moment, when I read those words, I actually believed that God would give us a baby. It felt wonderful. But it's already fading.
Mother Teresa continues with words that I could have written myself, although not as eloquently and not as beautiful. She writes, "It is now well over one year that they [the desires] came, they have increased with every Holy Mass and Holy Communion. I long, I desire to bring to Him many souls-to make each soul love God with a burning love..." Mother Teresa was referring to the poor souls in the slums of Calcutta. She wanted to bring them God and help them develop a love for Him. I desire the same thing, to bring souls to God. And while I don't think I'm being called to move to India, I do think I'm being called to raise children in a Catholic home and teach them to love the Lord with their whole hearts. I desire to have children so that I can bring them to God, to make them love God with a burning love. And would the good God give me these desires and not mean them to come true?
More To Offer
Remember in a post a few weeks ago I mentioned that I was really getting a lot accomplished in prayer? And that I knew it wouldn't last forever so I needed to take advantage of it? Well, I was right. It didn't last forever. And it's 100% my fault. I've been very neglectful of my holy hours and have let prayer fall to the back burner as we get closer and closer to Palm Sunday. Despite my laziness, however, God has still tried to talk to me.
Thursday night I finally sat down and forced myself to spend some time in prayer. I decided to read a little more of Come Be My Light: The Private Writing of Mother Teresa. This book really is amazing-it paints such a beautiful picture of who Mother Teresa really was. Right now, I'm reading about her strong and clear calling to found a new religious order and the obstacles she faced in making it a reality. The archbishop was very, very slow in granting her permission to found the Missionaries of Charity. You can just see her desire to found this order jumping off of the pages. You can feel her disappointment when she gets yet another letter announcing that she's not yet able to say 'yes' to her call. By this point, I'm getting kind of angry with the archbishop. "Don't you know who you're dealing with!" I want to say. But Mother Teresa is ever patient, giving all of her desires and disappointments completely to Jesus. Using them to unite herself closer to Him.
I went bed with one question on my mind: Why would God call her to found this order and give her the overwhelming desire to work with the poor of Calcutta if He wasn't going allow it to actually happen? (and yes, I know she eventually does get what she desires-but I'm not that far in the book yet.) Why would God give her such a strong calling and desire if it wasn't possible to be fulfilled? As I plopped my head down on my pillow I threw up a question to God. "Why did You allow her to have those desires God? Why did You call her to do something that she didn't have the power to actually do?" The answer came immediately and was crystal clear. "So that she would have more to offer back to Me."
I have often wondered why God gave me the desire for motherhood from such an early age if He wasn't going to bless me with children. I dare say that I've desired children and a large family more than almost any friend I've known throughout my life. Or at least it feels that way. With all my being I truly feel "called" to be a mother. Friends would always make comments about how I would be the first one to have kids and definitely have the most. When a friend of mine (that was married after us) became pregnant, some of our friends said, "wow-I thought you'd be first Kaitlin!" (little did they know we had already been trying for months). My desire for children is strong and real. It consumes me at times. It's been present from as far back as I can possibly remember. And until now, I've never understood why God would allow me to have such a burning desire that may not ever be fulfilled.
Mother Teresa gave her desire to Jesus. She offered her calling completely to Him. And because of this, she gave Him a bigger gift than those who don't have such a strong desire and calling. She had a lot to give back to Him because she had a lot of disappointment. If my desires for children weren't as strong as they are, my offering wouldn't be quite as beautiful. And just as Mother Teresa's desires were fulfilled in her eventual founding of the Missionaries of Charity, I pray that my desires for motherhood will also, one day, be granted.
But until then, I'll just be grateful I have more to offer back to Him.
Thursday night I finally sat down and forced myself to spend some time in prayer. I decided to read a little more of Come Be My Light: The Private Writing of Mother Teresa. This book really is amazing-it paints such a beautiful picture of who Mother Teresa really was. Right now, I'm reading about her strong and clear calling to found a new religious order and the obstacles she faced in making it a reality. The archbishop was very, very slow in granting her permission to found the Missionaries of Charity. You can just see her desire to found this order jumping off of the pages. You can feel her disappointment when she gets yet another letter announcing that she's not yet able to say 'yes' to her call. By this point, I'm getting kind of angry with the archbishop. "Don't you know who you're dealing with!" I want to say. But Mother Teresa is ever patient, giving all of her desires and disappointments completely to Jesus. Using them to unite herself closer to Him.
I went bed with one question on my mind: Why would God call her to found this order and give her the overwhelming desire to work with the poor of Calcutta if He wasn't going allow it to actually happen? (and yes, I know she eventually does get what she desires-but I'm not that far in the book yet.) Why would God give her such a strong calling and desire if it wasn't possible to be fulfilled? As I plopped my head down on my pillow I threw up a question to God. "Why did You allow her to have those desires God? Why did You call her to do something that she didn't have the power to actually do?" The answer came immediately and was crystal clear. "So that she would have more to offer back to Me."
I have often wondered why God gave me the desire for motherhood from such an early age if He wasn't going to bless me with children. I dare say that I've desired children and a large family more than almost any friend I've known throughout my life. Or at least it feels that way. With all my being I truly feel "called" to be a mother. Friends would always make comments about how I would be the first one to have kids and definitely have the most. When a friend of mine (that was married after us) became pregnant, some of our friends said, "wow-I thought you'd be first Kaitlin!" (little did they know we had already been trying for months). My desire for children is strong and real. It consumes me at times. It's been present from as far back as I can possibly remember. And until now, I've never understood why God would allow me to have such a burning desire that may not ever be fulfilled.
Mother Teresa gave her desire to Jesus. She offered her calling completely to Him. And because of this, she gave Him a bigger gift than those who don't have such a strong desire and calling. She had a lot to give back to Him because she had a lot of disappointment. If my desires for children weren't as strong as they are, my offering wouldn't be quite as beautiful. And just as Mother Teresa's desires were fulfilled in her eventual founding of the Missionaries of Charity, I pray that my desires for motherhood will also, one day, be granted.
But until then, I'll just be grateful I have more to offer back to Him.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Boring Estrodial Levels
For those readers that come here wanting to read something interesting or thought provoking-this post isn't for you. Move along, nothing to see here.
I've got a question for my fellow infertile bloggers. Some of you seem so incredibly knowledgeable on the subject and I'm wanting your highly valued opinion. I recently reviewed my bloodwork from a work-up I had done last November. Our doctor said that everything was fine and we didn't need to do anything about my hormone levels (progesterone and estrodial). However, as I looked back over the reports I noticed that my post peak estrodial numbers are slightly higher than the norm and out of the normal range. My progesterone is beautiful-textbook! But my estrodial...
Here are the numbers for Post Peak Estrodial:
P: 27.5ng/dL
P+3: 11.1 ng/dL
P+5: 14.9 ng/dL
P+7: 24.9 ng/dL (high is 16.7)
P+9: 28.1 ng/dL (high is 16.7)
P+11: 23 ng/dL (high is 15.5)
So I was looking good until P+7. Have any of you experienced something similar? What was done, if anything, for this? Do you think I need to be concerned? Should I trust my doctor and let it go or hound him about it? Decisions decisions!
And yes, I realize that none of you are experts (except maybe doctorgianna) but I trust ya'll more than google!
I've got a question for my fellow infertile bloggers. Some of you seem so incredibly knowledgeable on the subject and I'm wanting your highly valued opinion. I recently reviewed my bloodwork from a work-up I had done last November. Our doctor said that everything was fine and we didn't need to do anything about my hormone levels (progesterone and estrodial). However, as I looked back over the reports I noticed that my post peak estrodial numbers are slightly higher than the norm and out of the normal range. My progesterone is beautiful-textbook! But my estrodial...
Here are the numbers for Post Peak Estrodial:
P: 27.5ng/dL
P+3: 11.1 ng/dL
P+5: 14.9 ng/dL
P+7: 24.9 ng/dL (high is 16.7)
P+9: 28.1 ng/dL (high is 16.7)
P+11: 23 ng/dL (high is 15.5)
So I was looking good until P+7. Have any of you experienced something similar? What was done, if anything, for this? Do you think I need to be concerned? Should I trust my doctor and let it go or hound him about it? Decisions decisions!
And yes, I realize that none of you are experts (except maybe doctorgianna) but I trust ya'll more than google!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
The Irony of Health Care
I'm angry. And it isn't from the mood swings. I've been following the health care debate very closely since it was first being debated in the House last fall. Today is a big day-the House is set to vote on the Senate bill which DOES use tax payer money to fund abortions. But this post isn't about my opinion of the health care bill (I hate it by the way-our country can do WAY better) or even about the tragedy that is abortion (also hate it-this goes without saying). This anger I'm feeling right now is over the fact that abortion can be covered under ANY insurance policy, period. It doesn't matter if it's federally funded or from private pay-covering abortions under "health care" policies is absolute insanity.
Even if you actually support the "right" for a mother to kill her unborn child or think this health care nonsense is a good idea, follow me for a minute here. A baby's conception is the direct result of a man and a woman's properly functioning reproductive system. Babies are what happens when two fertile people have sex-it's as simple as that. A baby isn't a disease, a disorder, or a symptom. Women who get pregnant (and then abort their baby) have great progesterone and estrogen levels. Their ovaries are producing eggs that mature completely and erupt as they are supposed to. Their uteruses have plenty of healthy lining to support a growing baby. Their ovaries aren't covered with endo or PCOS. And their partner obviously had all of his parts working properly as well! All of the things us infertile women would die to have! These women have NOTHING wrong with their bodies (fertility speaking). Yet, insurance companies will actually pay for a healthy, fertile woman to stop the natural process that comes from her choice to have sex.
I, on the other hand, do have something wrong with my body. I'm filled with endometriosis and empty follicles that don't erupt completely. I have an actual medical condition. And what does my insurance company pay for? Nothing. Zip. Nada. Not a penny. I have a stack of Explanation of Benefits marked with "Denied-Not a Covered Service" big enough to wallpaper our living room! They must love getting claims from me-they know they won't have to pay a cent! Something inside of me isn't working correctly and they refuse to help me fix it. However, if everything inside of me started working correctly and I got pregnant, they would happily cover the cost for me to kill my baby.
Does anyone else see the irony in this??
Perfect fertility-don't want a baby: Covered!
Actual diseases, disorders, and symptoms of infertility-desperately want a baby: Not covered!
And it doesn't stop there. We also had to pay out of pocket for every visit and test that Ted went through when we did his semen analysis. He doesn't even have a problem-we were just checking! Insurance denied every single claim. Had Ted really had a problem with his FSH, motility, or something else-our insurance would still not have paid a dime. Now, flash forward 30 years. Ted's having problems "getting it up" (for lack of a better term). For purely reasons of our desire for pleasure he consults a urologist (let's even say that it's the exact same urologist he saw for his S/A-who was a jerk). Lo and behold! Viagra! And our wonderful, generous, and helpful insurance company steps up and foots the bill. They're so kind!
So what have we learned?
"Male problem" that interferes with pleasure: Covered!
"Male problem" that interferes with procreation: Not covered!
This just makes me sick. I try not to get too mad about when I'm writing the thousandth check to a doctor or hospital. But at the same time, God wants us to be mad about this. It's not ok. It's not part of His plan. I believe he wants us to be outraged about the evil and injustices of the world. Especially as they relate to the question of human life.
And it's not about the money. It's really not. More than I would like to see insurance companies coming to their senses and covering fertility treatment, I would like them to stop covering abortions and treating them like "health care". I will happily spend every last penny I have trying to get pregnant if it means that women who are already pregnant will be encouraged to choose life and not have their abortion paid for by me and the rest of the American taxpayers.
So what am I going to do about it? Well, first off, I'm going to continue to pray for the conversion of our country and all those who willingly take the life of an unborn child. And secondly, I'm going to call every one of the numbers below this afternoon and beg them to vote "no" on this health care atrocity that will results in the lives of countless more babies being killed.
God help us.
Pro-life Democrats that are undecided on how they will vote:
Marion Bery (AR) 202-225-4076
Kathy Dahlkemper (PA) 202-225-5406
Daniel Lipinski (IL) 202-225-5701
Earl Pomeroy (ND) 202-225-2611
Nick Rahall (WV) 202-225-3452
Bart Stupak (MI)202-225-4744
Steve Driehaus (OH) 202-225-2216
Joe Donnelly (IN) 202-225-3915
Jerry Costello (IL) 202-225-5661
March Kaptur (OH) 202-225-4146
Paul Kanjorski (PA) 202-225-6511
Alan Mollohan (WV) 202-225-4172
Mike Michaud (ME) 202-225-6306
Vic Snyder (AR) 202-225-2506
Harry Teague 202-225-2365
Even if you actually support the "right" for a mother to kill her unborn child or think this health care nonsense is a good idea, follow me for a minute here. A baby's conception is the direct result of a man and a woman's properly functioning reproductive system. Babies are what happens when two fertile people have sex-it's as simple as that. A baby isn't a disease, a disorder, or a symptom. Women who get pregnant (and then abort their baby) have great progesterone and estrogen levels. Their ovaries are producing eggs that mature completely and erupt as they are supposed to. Their uteruses have plenty of healthy lining to support a growing baby. Their ovaries aren't covered with endo or PCOS. And their partner obviously had all of his parts working properly as well! All of the things us infertile women would die to have! These women have NOTHING wrong with their bodies (fertility speaking). Yet, insurance companies will actually pay for a healthy, fertile woman to stop the natural process that comes from her choice to have sex.
I, on the other hand, do have something wrong with my body. I'm filled with endometriosis and empty follicles that don't erupt completely. I have an actual medical condition. And what does my insurance company pay for? Nothing. Zip. Nada. Not a penny. I have a stack of Explanation of Benefits marked with "Denied-Not a Covered Service" big enough to wallpaper our living room! They must love getting claims from me-they know they won't have to pay a cent! Something inside of me isn't working correctly and they refuse to help me fix it. However, if everything inside of me started working correctly and I got pregnant, they would happily cover the cost for me to kill my baby.
Does anyone else see the irony in this??
Perfect fertility-don't want a baby: Covered!
Actual diseases, disorders, and symptoms of infertility-desperately want a baby: Not covered!
And it doesn't stop there. We also had to pay out of pocket for every visit and test that Ted went through when we did his semen analysis. He doesn't even have a problem-we were just checking! Insurance denied every single claim. Had Ted really had a problem with his FSH, motility, or something else-our insurance would still not have paid a dime. Now, flash forward 30 years. Ted's having problems "getting it up" (for lack of a better term). For purely reasons of our desire for pleasure he consults a urologist (let's even say that it's the exact same urologist he saw for his S/A-who was a jerk). Lo and behold! Viagra! And our wonderful, generous, and helpful insurance company steps up and foots the bill. They're so kind!
So what have we learned?
"Male problem" that interferes with pleasure: Covered!
"Male problem" that interferes with procreation: Not covered!
This just makes me sick. I try not to get too mad about when I'm writing the thousandth check to a doctor or hospital. But at the same time, God wants us to be mad about this. It's not ok. It's not part of His plan. I believe he wants us to be outraged about the evil and injustices of the world. Especially as they relate to the question of human life.
And it's not about the money. It's really not. More than I would like to see insurance companies coming to their senses and covering fertility treatment, I would like them to stop covering abortions and treating them like "health care". I will happily spend every last penny I have trying to get pregnant if it means that women who are already pregnant will be encouraged to choose life and not have their abortion paid for by me and the rest of the American taxpayers.
So what am I going to do about it? Well, first off, I'm going to continue to pray for the conversion of our country and all those who willingly take the life of an unborn child. And secondly, I'm going to call every one of the numbers below this afternoon and beg them to vote "no" on this health care atrocity that will results in the lives of countless more babies being killed.
God help us.
Pro-life Democrats that are undecided on how they will vote:
Marion Bery (AR) 202-225-4076
Kathy Dahlkemper (PA) 202-225-5406
Daniel Lipinski (IL) 202-225-5701
Earl Pomeroy (ND) 202-225-2611
Nick Rahall (WV) 202-225-3452
Bart Stupak (MI)202-225-4744
Steve Driehaus (OH) 202-225-2216
Joe Donnelly (IN) 202-225-3915
Jerry Costello (IL) 202-225-5661
March Kaptur (OH) 202-225-4146
Paul Kanjorski (PA) 202-225-6511
Alan Mollohan (WV) 202-225-4172
Mike Michaud (ME) 202-225-6306
Vic Snyder (AR) 202-225-2506
Harry Teague 202-225-2365
Friday, March 19, 2010
My First Quick Takes
1. I strongly resisted the urge to ever do a "quick takes" or any other fad blogging post. But today, I couldn't resist. I had the urge to write about, well, 7 quick things that have been happening lately. I couldn't write about 7 quick things without giving Jen the credit for the idea. And on a Friday nonetheless! Her blog really is amazing. You should check it out if you haven't already.
2. I sewed something! Some friends of ours came down from Missouri and stayed with us during our Spring Break. Jessie is a talented "sewist" (I know "sewer" isn't right at least) and helped me make this cute box for our bookshelf. As long as you don't look at the bottom-I did a pretty good job! I really want to make more but I'm nervous I won't be able to do it without her help. I credit my inspiration to Sew and my sister-in-law Kate.
3. This cycle has been amazing! First a painless period, then no headaches from the clomid, then a PERFECT mucus cycle! I have felt some mood swings coming on (which are a side effect of clomid) but I've been able to recognize them coming and avoid a disastrous outburst. I've been telling Ted, "I'm getting really mad at you right now" and "I think I'm going to cry" in the calmest voice possible. I've managed to walk away when I'm mad and he just started praying when I was about to cry. This is MUCH better than the emotional roller coaster and constant headaches last month! Maybe the clomid will actually work....
4. Since my last post about the struggles I dealt with before marrying Ted, I've heard from several friends who are currently going through similar struggles. It seems that the only advice I'm able to give is what I've learned through the St. Ignatius retreat. Seriously, everyone needs to do this. I don't know how I ever made decisions without his help.
5. Ted and I enjoyed the sunny, 70 degree weather out on the lake today. He caught a bunch of bass and crappie that will be our dinner for the next couple of Fridays! I love spending time with him on the water, even though I just sleep and read. There's just something so special about being included in his favorite pastime (if you could even call it a pastime-more like an obsession). I'm thankful he doesn't mind that I don't fish and hope he realizes how much I enjoy just watching him do it.
6. With the retreat I haven't been reading as much as usual. I needed a book for the lake today and grabbed a Christmas gift from my brother-in-law. Come Be My Light: The Private Writing of Mother Teresa. I have had such a strong love for Mother Teresa since I was very little. I remember learning about her death in fourth grade and saving newspaper articles about her because I knew they would be treasures one day (unfortunately I have no idea where they are anymore). I've only read the first 3 chapters of the book, but I already love her more than ever. She was an incredible person, far more amazing than the world ever knew. I can't wait to read the rest!
7. Today is the Feast of St. Joseph! St. Joseph is Ted's patron saint and one of our favorites. I'm learning to relate to St. Joseph a little more since I began carrying our cross of infertility. He never had any children of his own either and was a "foster" parent to our Lord. I'm sure that wasn't the plan he had for himself, but I bet he was grateful for the way things turned out! We've been praying a novena to St. Joseph for the blessing of children and today will be the last day of our novena. Last night I told St. Joe that if we conceived this month we would name the baby after him in thanksgiving for answered prayers. I was kind of joking, but if it works I might feel pretty obligated! This isn't a problem if we have a boy, we've already been planning on using the middle name Joseph as it goes back as a middle name for three generations in Ted's family. But what if we have a girl?? I guess Josephine isn't too bad for a middle name...
Here's the prayer we've been praying. I got it from Jeremiah 29:11.
St. Joseph, you are the chaste and loving spouse of the Virgin Mary, foster father of Jesus, the protector and provider of the Holy Family and of all families. We have complete confidence in your loving care for new life and in your fidelity to the family. We commend our efforts to have a child to your prayers and protection. Intercede for us to God the Father that we might be blessed with the gift of new life. Help us always to defend the gift of human life that it may grow to the abundance of eternal life promised and bestowed on us by Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.
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