More To Offer

Remember in a post a few weeks ago I mentioned that I was really getting a lot accomplished in prayer? And that I knew it wouldn't last forever so I needed to take advantage of it? Well, I was right. It didn't last forever. And it's 100% my fault. I've been very neglectful of my holy hours and have let prayer fall to the back burner as we get closer and closer to Palm Sunday. Despite my laziness, however, God has still tried to talk to me.

Thursday night I finally sat down and forced myself to spend some time in prayer. I decided to read a little more of Come Be My Light: The Private Writing of Mother Teresa. This book really is amazing-it paints such a beautiful picture of who Mother Teresa really was. Right now, I'm reading about her strong and clear calling to found a new religious order and the obstacles she faced in making it a reality. The archbishop was very, very slow in granting her permission to found the Missionaries of Charity. You can just see her desire to found this order jumping off of the pages. You can feel her disappointment when she gets yet another letter announcing that she's not yet able to say 'yes' to her call. By this point, I'm getting kind of angry with the archbishop. "Don't you know who you're dealing with!" I want to say. But Mother Teresa is ever patient, giving all of her desires and disappointments completely to Jesus. Using them to unite herself closer to Him.

I went bed with one question on my mind: Why would God call her to found this order and give her the overwhelming desire to work with the poor of Calcutta if He wasn't going allow it to actually happen? (and yes, I know she eventually does get what she desires-but I'm not that far in the book yet.) Why would God give her such a strong calling and desire if it wasn't possible to be fulfilled? As I plopped my head down on my pillow I threw up a question to God. "Why did You allow her to have those desires God? Why did You call her to do something that she didn't have the power to actually do?" The answer came immediately and was crystal clear. "So that she would have more to offer back to Me."

I have often wondered why God gave me the desire for motherhood from such an early age if He wasn't going to bless me with children. I dare say that I've desired children and a large family more than almost any friend I've known throughout my life. Or at least it feels that way. With all my being I truly feel "called" to be a mother. Friends would always make comments about how I would be the first one to have kids and definitely have the most. When a friend of mine (that was married after us) became pregnant, some of our friends said, "wow-I thought you'd be first Kaitlin!" (little did they know we had already been trying for months). My desire for children is strong and real. It consumes me at times. It's been present from as far back as I can possibly remember. And until now, I've never understood why God would allow me to have such a burning desire that may not ever be fulfilled.

Mother Teresa gave her desire to Jesus. She offered her calling completely to Him. And because of this, she gave Him a bigger gift than those who don't have such a strong desire and calling. She had a lot to give back to Him because she had a lot of disappointment. If my desires for children weren't as strong as they are, my offering wouldn't be quite as beautiful. And just as Mother Teresa's desires were fulfilled in her eventual founding of the Missionaries of Charity, I pray that my desires for motherhood will also, one day, be granted.

But until then, I'll just be grateful I have more to offer back to Him.