7 Quick Takes (2)

-1-

We're buying a new car! Well, a used one, but new to us. The a/c went out in mine and will cost $1000 to fix. This is at least double what my car is worth. It's time to part ways with my beloved Alero. We're looking to buy a Chevy Equinox. We're wanting something a little bigger (in case we every actually do see two line on  a pregnancy test.)

-2-

Speaking of new car, we are driving to Slidell, LA tomorrow morning to hopefully buy the one we want. Anyone live in or near Slidell? Got any tips on a great place to eat?

-3-

I seriously dislike car salesmen. This will be the third car I've purchased in my lifetime (well my parents bought the first-thanks mom and dad!) Almost every car that my family has purchased has been through my ex-boyfriend's dad, who is a used car salesman (but an honest one!) I don't like having to do the whole negotiation thing-I just want the bottom line and let's be done with it. I test drove a car yesterday afternoon and was lied to within the first minute of looking at it. "What kind of gas mileage does this car get?" (I knew it got about 23). "27," the dealer replied, without even thinking about it. I asked him to check on that for me and he called his boss inside. This was what I heard on his end of the conversation: "25? ok, I was thinking it was 24."

Me: You said 27, not 24.

Him: Did I?

Me: You did. I smiled sweetly.

Him: I think I said 24.

Me: No, you said 27.

Him: I said 24-27.

Seriously?? It's scary to think that someone can lie that easily without even flinching. Yuck-we will not be buying a car from Mr. Pants on Fire.

-4-

I made an appointment today for a fitting for my bridesmaid dress for a friend's wedding. The wedding is in late July and we picked the dressed out around Christmas time, right before my surgery. At the time, I couldn't decide what size to get because I was hoping I'd get pregnant right after the surgery. I didn't want to buy it too small and then not fit into it with a 5-6 month baby in my belly.  Some of the other bridesmaids suggested getting a bigger size-but they had no idea how much it would hurt to come to the fitting and have the dress taken IN!  I tear up when I think about that decision. It was pointless to even think about. I'll walk down the aisle at her wedding without the slightest little bump. This sucks.

-5-

Ted is finished with his finals for the semester! He got a 4.0 for the second semester in a row! Good job babe! We celebrated with a wonderful dinner at a Mexican restaurant where I unfortunately enjoyed a margarita and a beer. Alcohol is bittersweet.

-6-

I'm so excited that tomorrow is May! May is the month that school gets out, that my sister graduates high school (and gives her valedictorian speech), when my other sister graduates college and becomes an outstanding nurse, and the month that my dear friend Deacon Jason is ordained a priest!!! I remember being a sophomore in high school when he was accepted into the seminary and the time has finally come for him to be ordained! I can't wait to go to him for confession-I've always been able to talk to him about anything anyway. But as with every big event, it will be hard for me knowing that I fully expected to have a little baby ready for him to baptize. Does anyone else do this? Picture big events (wedding, ordinations, etc) and imagine you'll have a belly/baby by then? Why do I torture myself?

-7-

What do you do when you don't have anything to say for #7???

A Question for Fellow IFers

Alright ladies, I've got a question about mucus. A quick history:

• I've been on Clomid for three months (25mg) with average mucus cycle scores (MCS). 10.7 the first month, 13.7 the second.
• Before Clomid my MCS were amazing! Never below a 14 and even some perfect 16s in there!
• I actually have an over abundance of mucus at all times in my cycle. Yellow stamps are my best friend. My Dr. can't figure out the cause.
• This past month was a lousy 8.7. I had 4AD the day before Peak Day. (I can't count on one hand the number of times I've seen this in the past YEAR.)

I emailed my doctor and was told to start on B6 (500mg a day of sustained released). I'm glad he's recommending something, but I'm feeling like this isn't quite enough. I feel like our approach is quickly becoming "let's wait and see if anything bad happens and THEN do something about it." With my laproscopy fading farhter and farther into the distance (this past January) I'm not comfortable with this. I know that the best time for getting pregnant after removing endo is the first 6 months. The end of this cycle will mark 4 months and that scares me.

I don't want to wait until something looks bad before doing something about it. I'd rather pull out all the stops now and hope for the best. What may seem like overkill to some, seems perfectly logical when you take into account the amount pain that only ONE MONTH of infertility creates. Every month that goes by I feel like we are getting further and further from our dream. Why are we waiting to do more??

I know many of you have taken things to get that MCS up in the fantastic range. Isn't there more than just B6. I haven't had much luck with vitamins in the past (tried Vitamin C for all-the-time mucus with no success). I've heard about Mucinex and Fertile CM but don't know many details. I'm asking for your advice-I trust ya'll so much!

Also, has anyone experienced the same kind of "wait and see" approach? I just want to do everything we can-not hold out to see if it's necessary! What did you do? How did you decide what to do and what to wait on? How did you get your doctor on board? Emails are appreciated-my email address is under my picture in my profile.

Thanks!

The Body of Christ

What a day it's already been! And it's only 11:30! I woke up with a bit of a sore throat and headache and had a hard time concentrating at Mass. After Mass we gathered in the back with our usual group of friends, but for some reason today was harder than usual. Every married couple that we're friends with from our new parish has children. One is pregnant, one just gave birth, and I'm sure there are more announcements to come very soon. We met a new couple too-and of course, they had a beautiful baby girl and didn't look a day older than us. I usually love staying around after Mass and talking with the women and watching the kids play. We're usually the last ones to leave. But today, I just couldn't take it. We left pretty much right away and I held back tears as I got in the car.

Thinking that Mother's Day was going to be next Sunday, I said to Ted (only half joking), "I want to skip Mass next week. Don't you think we should get a special dispensation? I just don't think I'll be able to handle watching all those mothers stand up and get a blessing." And he said, "Just try to be happy for the women who are mothers." "That doesn't help at all," I rudely replied. I was pretty quiet the rest of the ride home.

During lunch I snapped at him several more times and held back tears some more. I don't think I can blame this moodiness on the Clomid-not the right time of my cycle. Darn-there goes my excuse.

I love my friends down here-I really do. They are wonderful, beautiful Catholics and I'm blessed to know each one of them. But that doesn't make it any easier to see them with their pregnant bellies, their beautiful children, and their mini vans. I know they pray for us and want us to have this burden lifted. But they don't understand. How can they? It's something only a fellow infertile can understand.

After lunch I got on the computer to check email and read any updated blogs. The first email I got was from a blogger friend who is also Catholic and trying to get pregnant. She emailed me just to let me know that she was going to the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe tomorrow to attend a Mass for the installation of a new relic of St. Gianna. She wanted me to know that she would be praying for ME. Me personally (along with other bloggers). She has never even met me and lives hundreds of miles away. But tomorrow she will be praying for me. She knows the hurt I have inside. She knows how heavy this cross is. And she's praying for me. That brings me such comfort.

Just a moment later I got an instant message from another infertile Catholic who I "met" through blogging. She asked if I would pray for her today. She and her husband just experienced a failed adoption, she started her period today, AND she is scheduled to give a talk about "hope" to other infertile couples at a retreat this afternoon. Ouch. I found out exactly what time she was scheduled to speak and told her I would be praying. Her reply: "The Body of Christ is is amazing!"

She's right. The Body of Christ IS amazing! I don't know a single soul in real life that understands what I'm going through. I have no example of a Catholic couple who is suffering the way we are suffering. No one to talk to who will really "get it". But I have my blog. And my blogger friends. And they get me. The Body of Christ is online! And thank the Lord for it. I don't know where I'd be without these friends that exist only in the internet. I pray for you all daily and know that you are praying for me. I can't thank you enough for just being there-in your blogs-to give me hope and keep me going.

And I got some good news too! I realized that Mother's Day isn't next week-it's May 9th! Ted and I just booked a hotel in New Orleans for that weekend!  We wanted to go next weekend, but everything was already booked. I guess it was Divine Providence that we had to move it. I know there will still be a Mother's Day blessing at the Mass we attend while on our trip-but I just have a feeling it will hurt a little less if I don't know any of the mothers that are standing around me.

Kids Say...

the funniest things! One of the best (ok-probably the best) aspects of my job as a speech-language pathologist is getting to hear all the random and hillarious things that my preschoolers say. I'm not from the south and have litterally only known about five black people before moving to Mississippi from Missouri. So with the combination of the southern way of life and black culture-my kids say some pretty funny stuff to this outsider.

These are just from today:
When asked "what would you do if a stranger asked you to go for a ride?" (as part of a stupid language screening) one of my five year olds said (with the cutest accent). "I tell that foo' to back it up. Back up, monster! Back up!" It wasn't the "go get my mom" or "tell him no" that the test manual was looking for-but I gave him credit.

When I was doing the same test on a four year old boy he was getting frustrated because he knew he was getting a lot wrong. He was finally able to do one of the tasks and after he sorted the pictures into the right stacks he raised his arms in the air and shouted, "I know things!" Precious!

Another little cutie told me that I could go on his vacation to Orange Beach this summer. And just in case I thought about saying no, he added, "I'll even bring some candy!"

And lastly, about 50-60 kids a day yell out "take me, take me!" when I walk through the halls of Head Start to get one of their classmates. Most of them know my name but some of them just say "hey speech". I wish I could take them all to therapy with me-not because they need help with speech or language, but because they need someone to listen to them in a one on one setting. They need someone to tell them how beautiful and smart they are. I really would "take them" home with me if I could.

Unfortunately not every kiddo said something funny today. I got some pretty sad and distrubing answers to the question "what would you do if you saw smoke and fire". I'm developing a pretty thick skin to these kinds of comments-but they still amaze me every time. Sew-I wish you lived closer and could take some of my kiddos in with you. Before ya'll exit out of this window-will you please say a prayer for "my kids". They've got the odds stacked against them-very poor, single parent families, awful living conditions-please pray that they stay safe, healthy, and somehow learn that Jesus loves them

I Miss Him on Mondays

It's true. I really miss my husband on Mondays. We had the whole weekend to hang out, sleep in, and just relax together-but it always ends too soon. We always have the work week ahead of us. Monday mornings are the worst. Just five more minutes cuddling next to him in bed. Just one more hug before I leave the house. Just another text to tell him I love him and ask him how his day is going. It's never quite enough.

I really miss him on Mondays.

And that got me thinking. I need to try to focus more on the positive aspects of my life. It's so easy to blog about how much cycle day 1 hurts, but I rarely think to blog about how great I really do have it. So this post is dedicated to bragging about the good things I have in life. I hesitated writing this out of fear that I might upset someone. (people that aren't yet married, someone in a bad relationship, etc) but I know that I can't be all things to all people. I have to be honest with myself (and my blog) and that involves rejoicing in the wonderful things God has given me.

The most wonderful of all is, of course, my husband Ted. I'll try to keep this short because I could go on and on. I know we've been married for less than two years, but we've dated for five. Some people would say we're still newlyweds-but that doesn't change the fact that I'm head over heels in love with the guy. I can't snuggle close enough to him in bed at night. I can't take my eyes off him when he's sitting across the room. I can't hug him tight enough. I can't ever find a good enough way to express how much I love him. Some pessimistic people have told me that this will fade, that it won't always be this way. And while this may be true, it doesn't have to be. I've known many couples that are crazy in love well into the later years of marriage. My parents are a great example of this-they're going on 27 years! He may not leave me notes in my lunch box forever. I may not always rush the door as soon as I hear his truck pull up. But something inside of me says that if we no longer do these things, it'll be because we've found an even better way to express our love for each other. I wasn't given the gift of a child, but the gift of a wonderful husband is a true blessing. I don't care if we make other people sick, smiling this much feels amazing!

Other things I'm thankful for: a job despite the bad economy, good health (with the exception of IF), a great doctor, wonderful parents, my blogger friends who help out me so much, my wonderful friends back home, the fact that we moved to a small town in MS and met AMAZING Catholic friends who I feel like I've known my whole life, great sisters and in-laws, a nice apartment, money for groceries, my Master's, and the fact that I still have hope that we'll someday have a baby.

NOT Reasons

The following are NOT reasons why we're not pregnant Some of them have actually been suggested to me, but most of them just come from my worrying, complicated, over-analytical head.

It's NOT because of the sins of my past. Or the sins of my present and future for that matter. God is NOT punishing me with infertility because of the sins I've committed against Him (although they are many).

It's NOT because we "aren't ready" to be parents. We're ready. We're more ready than any other couple out there (with the exception of my fellow IF bloggers).

It's NOT because we won't make great parents and God wants to keep us from raising children. I can say with complete confidence that we will make great parents. One of the reasons I married Ted was because I knew he would make the world's greatest dad. I'm not being prideful when I say that any kid would be lucky to have us as parents.

It's NOT because we haven't prayed enough, said the right prayers, asked the right saints, or done enough novenas. While God works miracles and answers prayers, He's NOT waiting for us to get to the right combination of prayers before He blesses us with children.

It's NOT because we haven't worked hard enough to get medical help. While there may be a problem that I never find and a doctor out there that could have "cured" it, there is no way to ever know that. We are doing the absolute best we can with the time, money, and energy we have. God has to got to appreciate that.

It's NOT because I drink a soda or have a beer from time to time. Although I believe diet is important when it comes to fertility, one Pepsi isn't going to make the difference between my follicles producing eggs and staying empty.

It's NOT because we're stressed out about it. It's just not.

It's NOT because we haven't "been on a vacation and relaxed". Unless we take a vacation at the precise time of ovulation, with the right dosage of Clomid, and have sex everyday around Peak day, we're probably not going to get pregnant on vacation. And if we do, it won't be because of the vacation-it'll be because of the sex.

It's NOT because God doesn't love us or want us to be happy. He loves us tremendously. He has shown us that in so many ways. His greatest desire is for us to be happy, however: He wants us to be happy with Him in heaven. Happiness isn't so much a requirement for our life on earth. And since we haven't made it to the foot of His throne, we can only assume that our greatest happiness is yet to come.

And if you're struggling with infertility too, these are NOT reasons why you aren't pregnant as well!

Take, Lord, and Receive

Tomorrow is the last day of our St. Ignatius retreat at our church. The first half of the retreat was unbelieveable (see this, this, and this). I admit though, I didn't do so hot with the second half. I definitely let myself slack off during Holy Week (of all weeks!) and haven't done a single holy hour this week. I did however, manage to squeeze one last drop of "fruit" out of the retreat, which has taught me so much since beginning so many weeks ago.

At the end of the retreat, St. Ignatius invites us to do a meditation called Contemplation to Attain Love of God. I went through it briefly tonight and was so excited by what I saw.

Seven or eight years ago I happened upon a prayer in the back of the missal/hymnal at church. I'm the kind of person that reads everything in sight. Cereal boxes, billboards, you name it. I was probably at church waiting for Mass to begin and trying to occupy my mind. I read a prayer by St. Ignatius, that was amidst all of the other prayers listed in the back of this book. I loved the prayer immediately. I remember trying to say it in my head over and over again to commit it to memory. I wasn't at my usual church for that Mass and the missal they used was different than the one at my own parish. I knew this prayer wasn't listed in our missal (because I read the whole thing through five times already!) By the time Mass was over, I had completely forgotten about the prayer.

Many times over the course of the next several years I would stumble upon that same prayer in the back of that same missal at various churches I visited. I always tried to memorize it and never succeeded. I remember always wishing I had something to write on so I could copy the prayer and try to learn it. Once I scribbled it on the back of my checkbook, but forgot about it later and threw it out when I switched banks. I googled it a few times, but could never remember enough of it to find it online. It was the ever alluding prayer.

The reason I liked the prayer so much was that it encompassed everything that needed to be prayed. Giving God everything. Accepting what He has in store. That's really all that is needed. That wasn't that difficult of a thing to do at the time I was in search of that alluding prayer, but now.....

I'm sure you've picked up on the fact that that very same prayer was the prayer at the end of the Ignatius retreat. I finally have it in my possession. God's hand is very clear in this. I was attracted to the prayer initially, but not quite ready to pray it. Although I wanted to pray it and mean it, it would have been a big stretch from my actual relationship with God at that time. I'm not saying I'm there now (at the point of giving everything I have and receiving whatever He gives) but I'm closer. Especially with the knowledge and graces that have come from doing this retreat. I needed to learn more, discover more about myself, God, and accepting His will before I could truly pray this prayer and mean it.

If nothing else, I think this is a clear sign that I need to be praying this prayer! Only good can come from giving God everything I have, including my infertility. Only good can come from accepting everything He has in store, even if that's a barren womb for all eternity. Lord, help me to pray this prayer and mean it!

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O Lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and Thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.