What a day it's already been! And it's only 11:30! I woke up with a bit of a sore throat and headache and had a hard time concentrating at Mass. After Mass we gathered in the back with our usual group of friends, but for some reason today was harder than usual. Every married couple that we're friends with from our new parish has children. One is pregnant, one just gave birth, and I'm sure there are more announcements to come very soon. We met a new couple too-and of course, they had a beautiful baby girl and didn't look a day older than us. I usually love staying around after Mass and talking with the women and watching the kids play. We're usually the last ones to leave. But today, I just couldn't take it. We left pretty much right away and I held back tears as I got in the car.
Thinking that Mother's Day was going to be next Sunday, I said to Ted (only half joking), "I want to skip Mass next week. Don't you think we should get a special dispensation? I just don't think I'll be able to handle watching all those mothers stand up and get a blessing." And he said, "Just try to be happy for the women who are mothers." "That doesn't help at all," I rudely replied. I was pretty quiet the rest of the ride home.
During lunch I snapped at him several more times and held back tears some more. I don't think I can blame this moodiness on the Clomid-not the right time of my cycle. Darn-there goes my excuse.
I love my friends down here-I really do. They are wonderful, beautiful Catholics and I'm blessed to know each one of them. But that doesn't make it any easier to see them with their pregnant bellies, their beautiful children, and their mini vans. I know they pray for us and want us to have this burden lifted. But they don't understand. How can they? It's something only a fellow infertile can understand.
After lunch I got on the computer to check email and read any updated blogs. The first email I got was from a blogger friend who is also Catholic and trying to get pregnant. She emailed me just to let me know that she was going to the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe tomorrow to attend a Mass for the installation of a new relic of St. Gianna. She wanted me to know that she would be praying for ME. Me personally (along with other bloggers). She has never even met me and lives hundreds of miles away. But tomorrow she will be praying for me. She knows the hurt I have inside. She knows how heavy this cross is. And she's praying for me. That brings me such comfort.
Just a moment later I got an instant message from another infertile Catholic who I "met" through blogging. She asked if I would pray for her today. She and her husband just experienced a failed adoption, she started her period today, AND she is scheduled to give a talk about "hope" to other infertile couples at a retreat this afternoon. Ouch. I found out exactly what time she was scheduled to speak and told her I would be praying. Her reply: "The Body of Christ is is amazing!"
She's right. The Body of Christ IS amazing! I don't know a single soul in real life that understands what I'm going through. I have no example of a Catholic couple who is suffering the way we are suffering. No one to talk to who will really "get it". But I have my blog. And my blogger friends. And they get me. The Body of Christ is online! And thank the Lord for it. I don't know where I'd be without these friends that exist only in the internet. I pray for you all daily and know that you are praying for me. I can't thank you enough for just being there-in your blogs-to give me hope and keep me going.
And I got some good news too! I realized that Mother's Day isn't next week-it's May 9th! Ted and I just booked a hotel in New Orleans for that weekend! We wanted to go next weekend, but everything was already booked. I guess it was Divine Providence that we had to move it. I know there will still be a Mother's Day blessing at the Mass we attend while on our trip-but I just have a feeling it will hurt a little less if I don't know any of the mothers that are standing around me.
I nearly wet myself when you said Mother's Day was next w/e? What?! I haven't even thought about Mom's present. Thank goodness it is the 9th!
ReplyDeleteYes, we are always here for each other.
I agree...it's nice to have friends whether IRL or on the blog who know where you have been and know what you are dealing with. We are not suffering alone.
ReplyDeleteBTW: I don't have any friends IRL who are IF or have any idea what we have been through either. NONE.
Oh well...I guess that makes me "special".
I know exactly what you mean about Mother's Day. They don't do a special "in Mass" blessing at my parish. They do a flippin' TRIDUUM of MASSES and sell FLOWERS in the vestibule. Oh, the years of seeing women's husbands giving them flowers while I sat empty-handed.
ReplyDeleteI became very theological about Mother's Day during those times. Mother's Day is, to me, about MY mother and MY grandmothers and MY blessed, beautiful Mother in Heaven.
It is about "Son, behold thy Mother" - Christ's gift to all of us (well, one of many gifts) from the Cross.
It is about the overwhelming gratitude I have for having been given a mother who rocked me when I was sick, sang to me as a child, still defends me like a Mama Bear whenever she feels I am threatened, etc.
It is about having had the pleasure of having known both my grandmas, even if the last one died when I was only 10.
Ultimately, I want flowers and a card and special treatment on my birthday.
On Mother's Day, I want to give all that stuff to my mama, and to my Blessed Mother.
(Leave flowers at Mary's altar, etc.)
It doesn't even bother me that my hubby doesn't buy me those vestibule flowers. But if my Mama is there with us, he'd better dang well buy her some.
I created this attitude as a defense mechanism, but it ended up being something I truly believed.
May our beautiful Blessed Mother comfort you and hold you in her arms during your trials. Have a great trip to NOLA. Eat some gumbo for me!
Thanks Cathy! I think I'll give that a try-even if it's just as a defense mechanism!
ReplyDeleteKailtyn I totally agree with you! As I posted earlier selfishly I am almost glad my surgery is on the weekend of Mother's Day. Then today mom said Oh don't worry! We'll all come to your house and I bring the food and be with you! Bless her heart. I was like, No mom, thanks, but I'll prob be out of it, we will have you for dinner one night that week. I totally understand about DH saying the comment!! We were at the mall about a month ago and I told him I didn't want to go to his friend's annual crawfish party in Memphis. I said I am just not ready to face all your friends and their wives yet and have them feeling sorry for me. (pride is a very vicious thing...)Also the host's wife is pregnant, really pregnant, and her husband didn't even want kids! I could definitely not be around that. He said, honestly why can't you be happy for them? We didn't talk much that afternoon either. I hope you have a wonderful weekend in New Orleans, it is a great getting away place :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a blessing that you'll be away that weekend! I agree that not having an emotional connection to the parish or people will help you. Phew! I'm happy for you.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you may want to suggest to your parish secretary/pastor to add an intention on Mother's day for all those struggling with infertility. I did this and I hope it brings much awareness to the community of those suffering. I hope it doesn't make all my IF cohorts cry though...
I could not agree more! So many people in my "regular life" don't get it, but all of you blog girls do! The Body of Christ IS amazing! I will be offering up my surgery for all my fellow IF-ers--that God gives us strength and comfort, especially on Mother's Day, and that we all can one day have our dream of becoming mothers come true!
ReplyDelete