I'm about halfway through the Lenten/St. Ignatius retreat and I'm at a point when I'm wondering how I ever made ANY kind of spiritual progress before I read this stuff! This is life changing! At no other time in my life have things molded and conformed together the way things have been lately. With Fr. John leading the retreat, his homilies have been more than applicable lately. His preaching has been so aligned with the focus of the retreat that Mass has become part of the retreat itself! Our best friends here in Mississippi are doing it also, and it helps so much to have conversations about the lessons and how they apply to our lives. Even the music minister at church is on the retreat and it seems that even the songs at Mass are corresponding to the perfectly planned meditations written by St. Ignatius so many years ago. God is so good!
The focus of the retreat lately has been shifting to our attachments and the need to rid ourselves of them. St. Ignatius presents attachments as anything that keeps us from living the life that God has planned for us. The primary example in the exercises is the attachment to money. At first, I had a hard time relating to this. It's pretty easy to be free from the attachment to money when you don't have any! After some reflection, my attachment became pretty clear. I'm attached to motherhood.
At first I wrote this off as something that's acceptable to be attached to, even honorable perhaps. I made a vow at the alter on my wedding day to "accept children lovingly from God and bring them up in the faith". I took that vow very seriously. When I said "we will" to that vow, the only tears of the entire day welled up in my eyes and barely kept from falling down my overly made-up cheeks. It is an honorable thing to desire to have a child. For 99% of the population, this is what God desires also. But it may not be that way for us. His will might not include us getting pregnant.
I still wasn't satisfied with this though. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was supposed to "detach" myself from my desires to be a mother. I truly believe that this desire is from God, as it's been on my heart since I was a little girl. There are certain aspects of the desire, however, that are not of God and do not correspond with his plan. When I walk through the aisles of Wal-Mart and stop to pick out a car seat, waste time at work by daydreaming about maternity leave, or imagine the fuss people will make over me if we ever do get pregnant-I'm not honoring God. I'm attaching myself to the "glamorous" life of a mother. These things are not evil, or even sinful. I realize that. But they don't lead me closer to God and his plan for my life. I can be just as attached to my desires to paint the spare bedroom blue, shop for the cutest outfits, and do all the things that only mommies get to do as someone attached to their thousands of hard-earned dollars.
This ultimately led me to the difficult question of "why do I REALLY want to have a baby?" Do I want a baby because I desire to truly give up my own will for that of another person? Because I want to love someone that way only a mother can? Because I want to become less selfish and more giving? Because I want to raise a child up for the service of God and lead them to holiness the best way I know how? Or is it because I want a super cute family picture to put on our Christmas cards? Because I want to feel included when women talk about their pregnancies and births? Because I don't want to be left out when all of our friends grow closer over the common bond of their children?
If I'm completely honest with myself, I want a baby for all of those reasons. There is a true and pure desire in me for children because of the blessing that they are to God and his kingdom. But there is also a worldly and materialistic desire to fit in with the rest of society and tout all of my "knowledge" of all things baby. This second desire is natural, of course. But it's not Godly. It doesn't bring me closer to fulfilling his plan for my life and it only makes the pain of a negative pregnancy test that much worse.
I know I need to rid myself of the worldly desires I have for a child. I can't grow in holiness if I'm clinging to thought of a "perfect" little family. How I'm going to do that, I'm not exactly sure. Prayers for the graces, obviously. Maybe we need to try to keep from talking so much about our non-existent children of the future. Maybe I need to take a break from reading up on parenting tips and motherhood. As I said before, these things aren't bad, but they definitely aren't helping. Anyone else have any suggestions??
That retreat sounds awesome, Kaitlin! I think our society's view of motherhood and the idea of seeing children as "possessions" are very difficult to shed. But you're on it with St. Ignatius. Even as someone who's expecting, I constantly remind myself that this is God's baby. It truly isn't ours! When we find our true place in God's plan, He can work wonders! And what's even cooler is that once we shed those selfish desires (which is a constant ongoing process it seems!) we become truly humbled and unattached to other things (ie. the cutest carseat, best family christmas picture, etc.). We've found that this comes from unattachment. We don't even do a family picture in our Christmas card anymore, because it's truly not about us! Anyway, like I said it's an ongoing process but eventually brings much peace. I KNOW you'll find it, because you're totally on the right path and you have a husband that's right there with you. Think of the blessings that will come from all you're experiencing through this cross. Down the road you will see that God wouldn't have it any other way :) Email me if you want to chat more. God bless!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your retreat experiences. It has given me a lot to think about.
ReplyDeleteI do not have any suggestions, but I do think it is best to try and live in the here and now and not focus so hard on what may or may not be. I’m not a mom as much as I would love to be. I am a wife, daughter, aunt, etc. and those are the roles I need to work on now (and believe me, I truly need to work on them). There are plenty of women who would love what I have and I shouldn’t take those blessings for granted. It is hard and I know what you mean. Detachment from anything is a struggle.
When I reflect on my life, I note that the times I tried to be in control were the times my life seemed a struggle, even though I was prayerful. But when I prayed, "Thy will be done" and meant it; when I surrendered control, asking God to guide me, instead of me trying to guide Him, my anxiety about my life decreased and I felt a sense of peace. My life improved. I still have to learn this lesson over and over, but I'm quicker to relinquish control and pray, "Thy will be done." May God bless you.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great reflection.
ReplyDeleteI wish our church had such a powerful retreat, although a neighboring church had one last month for divine mercy with a healing mass that was pretty awesome. After our loss I was so angry and confused especially as to how I was annointed with sacred oils and prayed over with the beautiful words of the sacrement, and still managed to lose our baby. My mother is such a wise wonderful woman and said, "Allison, do you presume to know better that Our Lord? He has given you healing, but it is not what kind of healing you want, but the healing he knows you need. Maybe it is spiritual healing, maybe it is another type of physical healing. Our wills are not always the same as God's wills!" Well I fumed and stewed over it at first, but then realized she is totally right, which again reminds me of your most recent post. We have got to release our own wills, to allow God's wills to transform our lives...
ReplyDelete