Uncomfortably Numb

This is not a happy post. If you're feeling down-don't read this. It won't pick you up.  What an awful day. Three major meltdowns (possibly from Clomid??). One at work-I was trying to find a file that was missing and broke into tears. One at home-Ted "took a tone" for a milla-second and I snapped then started bawling. And once during Adoration tonight-tears streamed and streamed while I tried to stay quiet and not disrupt the other people. I can't keep it together.

Lately, I've been very numb to this whole thing. Numb to my cross and numb to the pain. I think it's a defense mechanism. I'm retreating into myself and hoping that the pain will go away as I just wait it out. It's not working. I'm like a robot-especially at work. I'm not joyful to my preschoolers, I'm not making them laugh or acting goofy with them. I'm not mean-but I'm definitely not the therapist they need. I'm walking slower, I'm driving slower, I'm just lethargic. I have no motivation to do anything joyfully. I'm just trying to make it through the day.  When friends ask me how I'm doing, like REALLY ask-the kind of asking that you know means "how are you holding up with your childlessness?" I just pretend like I don't notice what they're talking about and say "fine, how are you?" with a smile. I'm not fine. I'm miserable.

The numbness wore off today and turned into anger and tears. I'm not sure which is worse. Crying is painful but at least I feel something. But tonight at Adoration, this was a new kind of desperation. I couldn't talk to Jesus without being angry. Even mean. I actually said the words "why me?" in my head! Pathetic! I told Him this cross was too heavy, that I didn't want it anymore, that He could take his stupid sweater back because I didn't want it. And then, without even realizing what I was saying (in my head) I actually said the words, "I'm sick of You." I think I meant to say I'm sick of this cross-but I definitely said You. I don't know if I meant it or not. I felt like I meant it. I took it back instantly. I told Him I was sorry. I felt horrible and still do. But I said it. I can't deny that I said it. I would be first in line for confession tomorrow afternoon but our priest is out of town all week (that's what you get for living in Mississippi-no other priests or churches to go to). Am I the only one who can get this mad at God? I don't know how to change it. It's like my mood swings are being taken out on Him personally. I hope he knows how much I want to love Him. I'm not sick of Him, I'm just sick of this cross He's given me. I don't want it anymore. It's too heavy.

My NaPro doctor called me today and we got to talk for over a half hour. That kind of thing usually puts me in a great mood-but today it was just overwhelming. I got the results for the bloodwork I did on P+7 last month (while on 25mg Clomid). They were great! Even better than pre-surgery/medicine. My progesterone rose from 20 to 55 and my estrodial rose from 24 to 40-something. Dr. G was really happy about this and said it was confirmation that my body is responding to the Clomid. He said to go ahead with Mucinex and B6 for this month and he would prescribe an antibiotic if I needed it after that. He also said that he wants me to start doing HCG injections to trigger the follicle to rupture. I still don't know if I even have an egg in my follicle, but that my be impossible to find out since the u/s girl in town doesn't know how to do that. We're gonna try though. I'm going to try to plan another u/s study for all of next week and take the trigger shot when the follicle gets to be 2.0 cm (before Clomid it only got to 1.8). I have a lot of work to do to arrange the u/s and figure out where and how to get the HCG. That new stress might be adding to the intensity of my outbursts today. And the stress of wondering if we're going to be able to pay for all these ultrasounds. It's so much to think about.

I took 50mg of Clomid this month, up from 25 the past three months. I emailed my nurse as soon as I started my period to ask Dr. G how much I should take but never heard back from her so I had to make my own decision. (I found out today she was out because she found out her husband has cancer-please pray for her, she's wonderful!) He said it was probably not a good idea to take 50mg since my body has done well with 25 and that he was concerned it would affect my mucus anymore. Crap. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now-I'm CD 6 already and yesterday was my last dose.

I read about Sew this afternoon and was actually filled with hope rather than jealousy. I don't ever remember hearing about a pregnancy and not being jealous. If it happened for her, it can happen for me right?

Anyone willing to offer me some advice on HCG? I'll take whatever you can give!