Perspective is one of those things you can't have until after the fact. Like experience. Or hindsight. I've never had the perspective of a pregnant woman before. I thought it would be different. Specifically, my perspective is that of an infertile pregnant woman and that is entirely different than just a regular ole pregnant lady.
There are some things that this unique perspective has brought me. An increased excitement for the baby in my womb is one thing. And although I know I've never experienced the joys of being pregnant without trying for two years, deep inside me I just know that this is more exciting. Not to downplay the excitement that regular women feel, but there's just something different about going from "I doubt if it will EVER happen" to "praise the Lord there's a baby in my womb!" This is a perspective I really cherish. I thank God for the increased awareness of this gift and the increased excitement of every little milestone because I'm so keenly aware that it could have never been.
Another perspective that I have as a (former) infertile. (eek-still a little scary to write that one knowing I could be back in that category in the blink of an eye) is that of those still waiting. I haven't forgotten the pain, the tears, the worry. It's all so fresh in my mind. Sometimes an incident crosses my mind-seeing my period after a really hopeful cycle, being told by the doctor that my follicles aren't developing-and I burst into tears. It's like I'm actually still sad about all of those things happening. The pain is still so tangible and can bring me to tears in a split second. This isn't a "crying because others are still suffering" kind of cry-that would be too noble of me. It's an "I'm so miserable, this hurts so much" kind of cry. It feels almost as bad as when I cried about it the first time. Although my womb is full of life, my heart is still infertile.
And why should it be any different? After all, I was infertile for two years. I was a pro at that struggle. I've spent every part of our marriage as someone who couldn't get pregnant. We've only known about our pregnancy for 6 weeks. Six weeks compared to two years. I've got some adjusting to do.
My history of infertility has made it nearly impossible to be "care-free" during this pregnancy. And although I don't think any (good) mother can make it through her entire pregnancy without worrying, I'm probably taking it a bit to the extreme. Miscarriage is always in the back of my mind. And although I am celebrating this life with every fiber of my being, I never lose sight of the possibility that my body, which had no idea how to get pregnant, will eventually have no idea how to stay pregnant. As much as I want to be a normal pregnant lady in her tenth week of pregnancy who registers for baby gear and anxiously awaits ultrasounds-I'm just not.
Most of the time, this perspective is a good thing. I lost it once. Just for a bit. And I was very, very upset with myself. Ted and I conceived right after Mother's Day. Mother's Day was so hard for me that we left town and went on vacation for it. I emailed our priest and asked him to include a petition for infertile couples at the Mass. I moped, I struggled, and I prayed. Then comes Father's Day. We were about seven weeks pregnant and had known for three. Ted and I went to Mass that morning with smiles from ear to ear. He was so excited about his first Father's Day. He was excited to be included in those mentioned during the Mass, excited to hear "Happy Father's Day" from his friends. I didn't realize until weeks later that I had completely forgotten about those fathers who don't have their children yet. I didn't email the priest and ask for the same petition to be included. I doubt I even remembered to pray for the husbands of my infertile friends in the excitement of the day. I lost my infertile perspective. I forgot how much it hurt. I don't ever want that to happen again.
My infertile heart was present last night, when I threw a baby shower for one of my best friends. I've never thrown a baby shower before (and don't know how some of you do it when you're still waiting for your own!) but I've been to plenty and fought to get through them. To say they hurt is the understatement of the century. I did volunteer to throw the shower before we got pregnant. I knew it would be hard, but I knew I needed to do it. Thankfully, I didn't have to sit through last night's shower as the only person in the room who couldn't have kids. The conversation revolved around weight gain, cravings, pelvic positioning, and incontinence for most of the evening. And while it didn't hurt to listen to, it was definitely weird. I still didn't feel quite like I "fit in", although the little green olive sized miracle in my womb would say otherwise. And while I welcomed all of the advice (or were they warnings??) I couldn't get these thoughts out of my mind: What would we be talking about right now if I was still infertile? Would they remember to avoid the conversation? Maybe. Would they assume it was ok because we're at a baby shower? Probably. Would I have spent the night in tears as soon as Ted came home? Definitely. And those were thoughts I just couldn't shake.
I've living in two worlds. The scars and wounds and memories of someone who has fought so hard to bring life into this world are so present. And the excitement, joy, and anticipation of the little one I'm just waiting to meet greets me everyday. Will this feeling last forever? What if we go on to have six more kids without any effort at all? What if this is our first and our last? What if we lose this baby and never conceive again? And yes, I realize there is no point in dwelling on any of those possibilities (except the one where I have seven kids perhaps......) but I can't help but be curious as to what our future holds and how infertility will shape it. I really do hope that I never forget how much it hurts. I hope I never lose sight of my strength during that time and my husband's unending support. But it sure would be nice to feel like a normal pregnant woman, especially when I'm at a baby shower.
Beautifully written. I so "get" it! It's an in-between world we live in, I suppose. I'm not sure I'll ever feel like I belong in the fertile world. And as an (former?) infertile, I think I will always have extra worries during any pregnancy I'm blessed with. We're told everybody we know...I swear my husband has told strangers in the store, but we could lose this in a flash and it's terrifying. I agree, I think we infertiles do have an "increased awareness" of the gift of life we are given and I'm so thankful for it. Thank you for sharing. It was like reading thoughts from my own head! Praying for you and your precious peanut!
ReplyDeleteI, too, live in the "in-between" world EVEN after having my baby, she is soon to be 1 years old! Now, I fear that people I meet in the future will see me as someone "who waited until the final hour" to have kids (she probably had fun all those years) and, lukcy her, "it all worked out." I am going to go back and re-read your post. There is so much to it that I need to take in. Thanks for expressing it so deeply.
ReplyDeleteKaitlyn - The mindset of the infertile is a complicated one and has been an ongoing struggle for me. It creeps up in different ways for all of us.
ReplyDeleteWhen I struggled with infertility and then got pregnant, I was sure God had put the languishing desire on my heart to have children so that I would breeze through the difficult times of having a newborn, because I would certainly appreciate my child more than those to whom bearing children was easy. Unfortunately, it didn't work that way!
When I had serious 24/7 morning sickness for the first 15 weeks, I thought God had made me infertile on purpose because that's what I was supposed to be. I came to believe I had thwarted His purpose for me and was paying the consequences!
That went away when I stopped being sick. But it came back when the two-week post-partum depression which followed the birth of my daughter was in full swing. It was a ridiculous and useless pre-occupation. As if God would "punish" me with a baby! Must have been my inner-Obama speaking ;)!
Now, I worry that my daughter will be my only child, because of all of the hormonal issues I've had since she was weaned. And, I am tempted to think it's my fault because I told God when I was praying so hard for three years that if He gave me just one child, I'd be completely happy. Or, it's my fault that He won't give me more because I don't have the patience I believe I should always have with her.
In the end, it's all about what we in our heart of hearts believe about God and how much we trust that He is good. Even when we lose every earthly thing, we have to believe He is still good. It's an easy thing to type on a page. But it's HARD. We have to soak ourselves in the prayer that gives us the grace to believe.
I'm very proud of you for offering to throw the shower before you got pregnant! It's hard but sometimes you gotta do it! :) I really liked this post, I've thought alot about being IF for so very long and what getting pregnant would do in my heart and head, I would still believe myself infertile until having 5 back to back perhaps pounds it out of me! (here's praying) but It's true, the heart can remain infertile.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless you and Enjoy this miracle!
I feel silly saying this, but I think I know what you mean. I conceived my first on our honeymoon. I never worried about loosing her. I didn't worry about her much, period. But then I miscarried, and after that it took us 4 cycles to get pregnant again. I have never gone through anything remotely like what you and so many other infertile women have. No tests, no doctor visits, etc. But I did get a taste of what it might be like for you emotionally. This pregnancy has been completely different for me. I worry about this baby every day. I pray for his/her safety and health constantly. And I am so, so thankful for this life. I thought I was thankful for my daughter. Now I realise what a truly rare and precioius gift this is, I am so much more thankful. I look at pregnant women around me who are so casual about it and though I don't want them to go through the pain I did, loosing a child and then wondering if we'd ever be given another, I wish they understood what they have. I hate listening to pregnant women, Catholic ones, talking about how it's "another one" like it's another cat. "You just don't get this," I think, but then I'm ashamed because though I was never really really cavalier about it, I certainly took fertility for granted. I never ever will again.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this with us. I appreciate every reminder of what an amazing gift children are, and I enjoyed your personal thoughts on it.
This is an interesting post because I feel like I have the reverse of what you have and I still struggle with it. I used to be able to get pregnant in the blink of an eye! First try, no problem!...and then when we started losing babies I still thought I was part of fertile/normal world and that all these losses were flukes! And it's pretty recently that I've even begun to admit (sometimes I think I revert even and deny) that I'm now infertile and can't get pregnant at all! It is definitely a struggle, and I don't know if it will change one way or the other, but God has allowed these experiences to shape you into who He wants you to be! He doesn't want you to worry, but He does want you to trust. In every moment. So when you find yourself worrying over miscarriage or becoming infertile again, just try to turn that specific thought over to Him or offer it up for an infertile friend! That's what I try to do (when I remember- sometimes I'm too worked up in my "what if's")! ;)
ReplyDeletePraying for you!
Kaitlin,
ReplyDeleteI'm thankful for your unique perspective, it teaches us so much and reminds us (me specifically) to cherish the great gift and responsibility God's given us. As much as I desire for you to feel like a "normal" pregnant lady (though I'm not sure that exists...), I've been blessed to be by your side during the last year and to witness the amazing works God's done in your life. I've learned so much from your experience.
Thank you again for hosting, it was a beautiful celebration!
I think you’ll feel a bit better when you move into the 2nd tri. I hope so anyway. I think it is normal to have a “special kind” of appreciation with what you have been through.
ReplyDeleteAs far as having an IF mindset, I just think some of that goes away. Your whole focus moves onto the life you have now and those little things that used to eat at you just don’t anymore (like the Mother’s Day/Father’s Day). I don’t think it is a bad thing necessarily. If I ever get to the other side, I hope there is happiness (mixed in with the worry, of course). The people I know who’ve dealt with IF and then went on to have children, well, the IF just isn’t a part of their lives anymore. I’m sure they remember and reflect on it on occasion, but it isn’t the all consuming daily existence that it once was.
I was reading a blogger who suffered several miscarriages before having her 2 kids. She realized after-the-fact that an important date had passed (maybe it was a due date or date she lost one, I can’t remember) without her noticing. She felt bad about it, but thought about how she used to “prepare” herself when that dates was coming and now, with her 2 kids, the date just came and went. That is so hard for me to imagine, but it was kind of nice to think about not having a calendar littered with awful reminders because you’re too busy taking care of your kids.
I feel you sister! I just wrote about this on my blog too, but not nearly as eloquently.
ReplyDeleteAll during the first trimester I really hesitated to get too "into" the pregnancy (though i was excited) because I didn't want to be let down again. Also, in the back of my mind, I was still identifying myself as a sub-fertile woman, so it was sort of like, "wait, what do I do now?"
I still have times I feel that way, but now being in the second trimester, I am feeling more like, "This is really going to happen".
I'm praying for you and your miracle. :)
a) I'm at 31 weeks and I still would not call myself "care-free" It's normal to worry - even if you didn't struggle to get pregnant (to worry this long, maybe not!) b)no one has any guarantees about what life will hold. Just because I didn't have to struggle to get pregnant the first time doesn't mean I will have the same experience next time. My sister-in-law got pregnant on "accident" the first time, then had to struggle for 1 1/2 years. I guess my point is, enjoy this moment and trust God's plan for your life (I know you will and do - just a reminder!)
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