A Letter to My Baby

Hi Baby,

I love that you're my baby. I love that you're in my belly right now as I type this. I've been sitting in this chair for 15 minutes just watching you kick me and make my tummy jump. Sometimes you move your little feet so slowly across my belly that it seems that you're exploring. Trying to learn as much about me as I'm trying to learn about you. Sometimes I swear you know my hand is there and you're trying to touch it.

Even though your kicks are exactly the same today as they were yesterday, I find myself thinking, "I wish your daddy was here so he could feel you right now." Like he's missing out on something that might not ever happen again. But I know you'll still be kicking when he gets home. And he'll place his hand on my tummy and patiently wait for you to say hi. And he'll smile and be so proud and amazed and excited. Every time.

I wonder how I get to be the lucky one that has you with me every second of the day. Your poor daddy. He misses you when he's at work. But I don't know what that feels like yet. I never miss you.  I'm constantly aware that you're always with me. I hold my tummy and tell you I love you. Sometimes out loud and sometimes just with my mind. I know you hear me.

I think about you all day long. I dream about you at night. Sometimes you're a boy. Most of the time you're a girl. One time you were even black! But I promise that Ted is your daddy and you will come out as white as he is.  Hopefully with the freckles and blond hair too.

It's amazing to me that I had room in my brain to think about all the things you make me think about. My head was pretty full before you got here-but now it is packed to the brim! So many decisions to make. So many things to learn.

Reading about how to take care of you once you get here.
Practicing for labor and delivery so you can come into this world the best and safest way possible.
Educating myself on breastfeeding, babywearing, cloth diapering, vaccinations, circumcision.

I didn't have time in my life for any of that before getting pregnant. But the time just found me. Other things got swept aside. You became the focus. You stole all the time. And you're still only two and a half pounds. Somehow I just know that you'll only continue to steal more time the bigger you get.

I wonder about you. I wonder if you're a boy or a girl. What color your hair is. If you're going to have my eyes or your dad's. If your adorable feet are really as big as they look in the ultrasound picture. And if that really means that you'll be as tall as your daddy.

I wonder if you'll be good at breastfeeding. And if you'll sleep through the night. And if you'll be patient with your untrained, rookie parents.

I wonder if you'll like to fish. What your favorite color will be. What subjects you'll like in school. Whether you'll inherit your dad's patience. Or my passion. Or both of our stubbornness. I wonder if you'll join the military. Or go to college. Get married or become a priest. Become a mother of a family or a religious order.

I wonder if you'll be healthy. Or if you'll have Down's Syndrome or Autism. And I worry a little bit. But not too much because I know that if you do-I will love you no less. Perhaps I'll even love you more. If that's possible.

I can't wait to lay eyes on you. To touch you for the first time. To feel your wet little body against my chest and experience the rush of emotions that I know I can't even begin to imagine right now. I can't wait to see your dad's face when he lays eyes on you for the first time. I can't wait to love him in a whole new way.

You have the best dad in the world. You are so welcome.

Stay put for at least 10 more weeks. 12 would be great. 14 would work just fine too. But no sooner than 10. And definitely no more than 14. We're excited to meet you-but we want you to be grown first.

Good night sweet baby. I love you.
-Mom