This Is It!

This is the post I've been waiting to write. The post I've dreamed about writing. The post I've written in my head over and over again before pushing it out of my head and refusing to let myself get my hopes up.

We................are...................pregnant!

I honestly can't believe it. I'm still in shock. I want it to sink in but it just won't. We found out on Monday, May 24th, 12 days past ovulation. My first round of blood work was good: progesterone 73 and hCG 117 (at 14 dpo). We're still doing PIO injections as a precaution for another week and then will recheck the levels. I won't get my second hCG results until tomorrow.

When I found out I had NO FEAR. I knew this was going to stick. I knew I was going to meet this little miracle. But it didn't take long for doubt to creep in and now I'm starting to worry, even though my numbers are good.  Our first ultrasound is June 14. I'll be 6 weeks, 5 days. I cannot wait!

Please keep our little one in your prayers. No matter what happens, I am so grateful that God allowed us to co-create a little soul with Him. But meeting this little soul would be that much better! I promise to try to offer up any pain or discomfort for those still waiting to be blessed. (Which is starting early-those PIO shots hurt waaaaay worse than I was expecting!)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

The World Will be a Better Place.....

this Saturday when my cousin Jason is ordained!!! I've been friends with Jason since I was a sophomore and he was a senior in high school. I remember the days before he was even accepted into the seminary. I remember hearing about his first years at Kenrick-Glennon and how awesome they were. I remember when he told me the big secret-that they were sending him to Rome to finish his studies! I remember the first time I saw him when he came back from Rome a deacon and he gave me and Ted a blessing. And now, I'll get to witness his ordination to the priesthood. God is so so good.

Please keep Deacon Jason in your prayers this week. He is such a beautiful soul, on fire with love for the Church and his Blessed Mother, faithful to the Magisterium, and as dynamic a personality as they come. I cannot wait to have him hear my confession and maybe even baptize my babies some day...

We're heading out of town to go up to St. Louis for the ordination extravaganza (seriously-it's a three day event-bigger than our wedding! But of course our wedding wasn't nine years in the making!)  I'll be away from Blog World for the next week or so. But when I return, the world and the Church will be a better place with a new holy priest added to her ranks.

Praise God!

Quick Takes (4)

-1-

Last week, I discovered a baby bunny living in our bushes outside our apartment. It was precious! I stopped to see it on my way in and out and we fed it some lettuce and carrots. It lived in a little hole in the brick wall. One time, I was sitting in the office and I thought I heard it crying. Scared that a dog had gotten to it, I sprang out of my chair and tore through the house to check on it. Ted cracked up at how quickly I jumped into "mommy mode". Instincts I guess.

-2-

The bunny actually helped us meet our upstairs neighbors, who I've been wanting to meet for a while. She is a single mom with three kids and I've been suspicious that the middle one has Autism. The mom saw us looking in the bushes and we struck up a conversation about the bunny. Later that afternoon, the oldest girl (Kindergarten age) banged furiously on our door. When we answered it she excitedly told us that the bunny was out and motioned for us to go see it. So cute! It turns out that the little boy does have Autism and mom was hoping to find a speech therapist to work with him over the summer. Isn't that cool? I'm going to start working with him next week-it'll be an awesome way to help out our neighbors!

-3-

In completely opposite and miserable news: the bunny is dead. A cat got it. Our neighbor saw the whole thing. Poor bunny.

-4-

Ted and I are spending the weekend in Missouri for my sister's high school graduation. I've mentioned this before, but don't mind repeating that she is Valedictorian! I'm so excited to listen to her speech. I already cried just from reading it (but that could very well have been hormones).

-5-

I'm also going to try on the bridesmaid dress I mentioned in a previous post. Although I will be sad about the fact that the dress will actually fit and won't need to be altered because of my bulging baby bump, I am beyond excited to take part in this wedding. Doesn't a good Catholic wedding between two amazing Catholic people make it seem that all is right with the world? Praise God for marriage!

-6-

This coming Tuesday is my last day of work for the semester!! I only have a week and half off before I begin summer school but I will still be rejoicing Tuesday afternoon. I've survived my first year as a speech-language pathologist. My first year at a real job. A post with all my reflections on this coming soon...

-7-

To congratulate me for working so hard, Ted sent me these:

He sent them to my office on Monday so that I could enjoy them at work for the entire week. So thoughtful! He realizes and completely understands how hard this job has been for me. He knows how difficult it is for me to find the time to call insurance companies, follow up with my doctor, and get to lab and ultrasound appointments without missing work. He really appreciates it. And that gives me the strength to keep going.

I looked up the meaning of purple tulips. I knew yellow tulips meant "friendship" and red meant "passion", but I didn't know about purple. I secretly hoped I would find out that they mean "fertile womb" or "finally pregnant after months of Clomid" or possibly "twins" and was only somewhat disappointed when I found out that they mean "royalty". I guess (get ready for the cheese) that just  means I'm Ted's "queen". But come on-wouldn't getting flowers symbolizing motherhood just days/weeks before finding out we're pregnant have been the COOLEST STORY EVER?? I guess I need to do some research and find out what flower DOES mean "motherhood" and make them my new favorite flower...

Happy Friday!

Post Peak Ping Pong

During the two week wait (the time that you're waiting to find out if you're pregnant for my non IF readers) my mind is like a never ending ping pong game. I'm back and forth between being overly hopeful and overly pessimistic. The conversation inside my head never ever ever shuts up. Not even for a second. Here is a rare, never before seen glimpse into the over analytical, slightly compulsive, baby desiring brain of mine:

Pessimistic Kaitlin will be in Italics. Optimistic Kaitlin will be in non-Italics.

We're definitely pregnant this month. I just know it.

There's no way we're pregnant. It's not gonna happen this month.

I wonder how I'm going to surprise Ted when I tell him the news.....

I'm never going to be able to give Ted a child.

I can't wait to tell my parents! I have so many ideas for how to tell them!

My sisters will be the only ones who can give them grand kids.

I think I just felt something in the vicinity of my uterus. Could that be a pregnancy symptom??

Man, this gas sucks.

That is DEFINITELY implantation spotting! I'm pregnant-this confirms it.

There is something seriously wrong me-now I have to figure out why I'm spotting in my luteal phase.

I think that was implantation cramping. What cycle day am I on?

I'm sure it was just a cyst rupturing. Wonderful.

Jesus, I trust in You!

God, I am so angry with You right now.


Are you left wondering how I appear sane to my friends and co-workers for even a second? Me too.  Thank God for the pre-peak phase when you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there is no baby in your womb. If I had to deal with this kind of torture all month, I think I'd be in the nut house.

Another Ultrasound Update

I just got off the phone with my doctor, who is back from Florida and able to lay eyes on my ultrasound pics. The verdict?? He is sure they are ALL THREE follicles! I actually ovulated! On my own! Times three!!!

He suggests keeping with 50mg on CD 3-5 for two more cycles. If I'm not pregnant by then we'll move on to the next step. The good (no-great!) news is that I'm responding really well to the medicine right now. The bad news is that he said those dreaded words (the same ones JBTC just heard): "Everything looks great-you should get pregnant any time now!"  I wanted to scream "then why aren't I???" but I resisted. He's too wonderful to yell at.

A few other things we talked about: getting my thyroid checked (the Hilgers way). Since he is not very comfortable with this aspect of NaPro yet, I'm going to try to do it straight through Hilgers. Both doctors are long distance (so phone visits only) and both are not covered by my insurance-so I may as well go with the expert!  Has anyone else done the thyroid testing long distance with Hilgers? Any adivce?

We also talked about infection (thanks to the promptings of Wheelbarrow Rider). All of my cultures came back negative last November, but I still have all-the-time mucus and TEBB. I told him I was concerned that it was indicative of something underlying and wanted to know if the cultures had been done the "Hilgers" way. He said he needed to brush up on this aspect of NaPro and that he would call me next week. We may do some another round of cultures-but I'm driving through his town on my way home in two weeks so it won't be a problem!

Then he started talking about what to do WHEN I get pregnant (I still said IF). (Since he's out of town-he won't be my OB) We'll start with POI (200mg 2x week) if we can't get the progesterone results back soon enough. If we get them back and they're good, we won't even do it. He suggested getting a quantitative HCG and a progesterone level as soon as I find out. He said to wait on an ultrasound until 7 weeks to listen for a heartbeat, but that if I wanted to see a doctor earlier that I should just explain my history and they should get me in. He didn't mention anything about a beta but I've seen that done for other girls. Anyone care to elaborate on that?

Needless to say, I'm pretty excited! Thank you Lord for my wonderful doctor!

Ultrasound Update

We spent almost every day last week doing ultrasounds to watch my follicles. We were planning on doing an HCG trigger when the dominant follicle got to 2.0 cm but this never happened. Here are the results of the u/s, to the best of my memory. I'm feeling pretty down about this. If anyone has any suggestions or ideas-you know I'll always take them!

Keep in mind that my doctor hasn't seen any of my images yet, only the u/s girl saw them. He was on a beach in Florida and called everyday for an update. God bless him.

CD 12: Left ovary has three "somethings". My u/s girl and doctor think they're cysts. One is measuring at 1.6, one at 2.0, and one at 2.5 (ish). There's a follicle on the right measuring .8.

CD 14: All three "somethings" on the left have grown to 1.7, 2.5, and 3.5. I have some pretty heavy ovulation pain this evening that lasts for 5-6 hours. It's not much different than every other month, just way stronger. The follicle on the right only grew to .9.

CD 15: All three "somethings" are completely gone. They ruptured on their own! With no HCG. My u/s girl suspects that maybe they were follicles all along and not really cysts and that I actually produced three eggs. I don't believe her, until she calls me and tells me that the doctor thought the same thing. Then I talk to Ann (the Nest Builder) and she has the exact same reaction. I get super excited, hope that at least one of them will find their way through my tube, and tell God that I'd even take triplets! There is another little "something" on the left that looks like a follicle that either sprang up over night or was hidden before. It measures at 1.0. The follicle on the right is shrinking and we stop watching it.

CD 16: The 1.0 follicle on the left is shrinking, so it definitely wasn't the dominant one. I also have a brand new cyst on the left (definitely a cyst because it was filled with debris) that went from non-existent to 3.5 over night. Nothing else has changed. My doctor tells the u/s girl to tell me that he thinks I need to up my dosage of Clomid to 75mg since I'm still not producing a 2.0 follicle. WHAT IN THE WORLD? I thought yesterday I had three follicles! Now I have two cysts and an under-developed follicle. I have no idea what changed his mind. He's going to look at my charts and P+7 b/w when he gets back. He says we might have to check on the cyst before I do any more Clomid. grrrrr.

CD 17: Peak Day.

So I'm really at a loss. What started out as bad news, turned into great news, and then back into bad news. I have very little hope for this cycle and wonder if I'll ever be able to actually produce a stinking follicle.

Side note: during the one day span that I thought I had produced three follicles, I actually said the words "I don't want to get my hopes up" Hello?? Have I even read my own blog? Some lessons are harder to learn than others I guess.

The Dress Dare: Halfway Point

Well, it's been 15 straight days of wearing nothing but dresses and skirts. I mentioned earlier that I wear them a lot in the summer anyway, so didn't think it was going to be a big deal-but I definitely miss my jeans. Here are a couple of random reflections on how it's gone so far:

People at work must have noticed by now that I haven't worn pants in two weeks. I occasionally wore a skirt last summer, but not this often. Every once in a while I get a compliment on a skirt-but not often. No one has made me feel weird or seemed to think anything of it.

I made the mistake of wearing a dress that only went a little below my knees on a Thursday. Remember my little kiddo I see on Tuesdays and Thursdays?? (see #4) Well I went out to his house in the afternoon and immediately apologized to his mom for what I was wearing. I told her that I had a banquet right after school and forgot about coming to see him (which was true). I just kind of laughed it off and said, "we'll just see how this goes!". It wasn't easy. He feet were up my skirt at least a dozen times. I couldn't sit cross-legged like I usually do and had to keep moving around to keep my legs from falling asleep because of all the weird positions I was in. At one point he pushed the dress so high up that my entire thighs were showing. I think there's something to be said about modesty in this situation as well. If wearing a skirt or dress causes this much trouble and you run the risk of flashing your underwear to a four year old-wouldn't pants be a better option?? It was a long half hour...

Sometimes I feel kind of frumpy in m skirts. Although I also feel very lady like-the frumpiness sets in from time to time. The other day I went to grocery store wearing an ankle length skirt and t-shirt. I thought it looked pretty good, but on my way out of the apartment I passed a girl wearing short shorts and a spaghetti strap tank. It struck me how much of her skin was showing and how much of mine was covered. We were probably the exact same age-but I felt really old. Ted went shopping with me and afterward he said that he noticed several women giving me looks for wearing such a long skirt. I didn't notice them (I'm on a mission when it comes to grocery shopping-I can tune out anything!). He said they weren't mean looks, just kind of extended, curious stares. I suspect they're thinking "why is such a skinny/small/young girl wearing that?" I guess I was a good witness! Being skinny, small, or young doesn't give you a reason to show too much skin.

During our weekend in New Orleans I saw tons of girls wearing skirts and dresses. Apparently it's very "in" this season. At first I thought, wow-I really fit in! Then later I realized that my dress was the only one that went below my knees. (I take that back, some went to the floor-but were accompanied by major cleavage.) I didn't notice any stares or strange glances when I was wearing my dress (come on-it's New Orleans! Why would people stare at me when they have the silver man, the weird cowboy clown, and the mime with the huge dress to stare at!) but I wore a longer skirt on Sunday and got a few looks. Overall, I really enjoyed wearing them all weekend! I felt pretty and feminine and Ted told me that he loved having such a lady by his side.

I can't end a dress dare update without talking about swimming suits. We spent the afternoon at the pool today (yes-it's 90 here!) and it forced me to think about things that I don't like thinking about. Here are my thoughts on swimming suits. No official Church teaching stuff here, just the thoughts that come from my head and many conversations with holy friends.

No two pieces. At all. Your stomach is for your husband. And the bottoms are usually so low cut-again, only for your husband!

No cleavage. I realize this is much harder for some women than it is for me. God didn't bless me much in this area, so I really don't have to try that hard to keep 'em covered. But I do still have to try. It takes a lot of searching and lot of constantly pulling up your straps. But this is important.

No butt cheeks. Despite my small size, this one is really really hard for me. Virtually every swimming suit in the world is going to show my butt -no matter how modest it may think it is. I'm constantly tugging at the suit trying to get it to cover more. Sometimes I wear shorts or keep a towel wrapped around my waist, but I take them off before getting in the water. I'm still trying to find a good balance on this one.

And the same rules apply to kids-little girls should not be seen in public wearing the equivalent of a bra and underwear.

Those are the rules I currently abide by, but I'm still not satisfied with them. I still feel like I'm showing too much leg and I'm breaking my no-sleeveless rule every time. I don't want to wear a potato sack though! Any suggestions??

The pool at our apartment complex is usually filled with college students. Despite going nearly every day last summer, I'm still shocked at some of the suits I see girls wearing. Honestly-I have lingerie that covers more than that! My husband tries so hard to keep his eyes away, but I don't expect him to be perfect when even I can't help from looking! I definitely get a lot of stares for wearing a one piece. The only other people wearing them are ladies at least 20 years older than me, and even they have cleavage hanging out. I stand out-there's no denying it. But if I'm going to try to make a statement with my suit-shouldn't it at least be a completely positive one? Not just that it's ok to have your butt hanging out as long as your stomach is covered? I'm still a work in progress on this one.

I'm also concerned about getting major tan lines on my back and shoulders. I'm in a wedding this summer and wearing a strapless dress. The bride ordered some fabric to make shawls for the Mass, but I'm sure all the other bridesmaids will take them off for the reception-maybe even for the pictures. Do I have the guts to be the only one to keep it on? Should I bring a sweater to put over my shoulders for after the Mass? I really don't know-I have two months to decide.

And with regards to exercise clothes-if you didn't read the comment that my friend Lauren left on my last post, you should really check it out. (It's under my name-I posted it for her.) I completely agree with what she has to say, with only one concern. She still lives in Missouri. And anyone in the South knows there's a complete difference in both heat and humidity during the summer from Missouri to Mississippi. In Missouri, you can run outside early in the morning or as the sun is going down and be just fine. Not so in Mississippi. The humidity is already sweltering at 6:00 am and doesn't go away at sunset. Sometimes the heat is so bad that I'm sweating just by going to get the mail. Should the same rules apply in this situation? Anyone got any thoughts? How is everyone else doing with the Dress Dare?

Our Weekend in New Orleans

This is just a quick (hopefully!) post to brag about all the fun Ted and I had in New Orleans last weekend. It was wonderful to get away, just the two of us, and just relax.

We ate lunch at a cute little restaurant in the French Quarter. Up on the balcony-that was pretty exciting.

Ted awaiting his shrimp po-boy.

Me awaiting my red beans and rice.

We spent all day Saturday just walking around New Orleans and taking it all in. There's so much to look at-but we're pretty cheap so looking is all we did! We amused ourselves by pronouning every French word we saw phonetically and with a very southern, hick accent. We only got lost once! And our hotel was so fancy that they held the door open for us every time we came or left.

The two of us at Jackson Square.

Enjoying some drinks and another wonderful meal of jambalaya and a crawfish boudin po-boy.

We ended the night with beignets from Cafe Du Monde. Delicious!

Sunday we went to a Latin Mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral (post about my mantilla experience soon!) Then we spent HOURS exploring the WWII museum. It was very interesting, very informative. We both really enjoyed it!

Us at the entrance to the museum.

If this was Ted's blog-he'd end this post with some ridiculously embarrassing videos of me sleeping in the car on the way home. (lots of head bobbing and catching flies). But it's my blog and I'm not going to subject myself to that kind of humiliation.

All in all, it was a wonderful trip! Thanks babe!

A Possible Explanation

As with all of life's major questions, I'm wondering WHY infertility has to exist. Not so much "why me?" (although I do wonder that as well) but "why at all?" Something dawned on my the other day during my commute and I'm hoping I'll be able to explain my thoughts coherently. Here goes.

Children are gifts. It's as simple (and at the same time ridiculously complex) as that. They are ONLY gifts and they are ALWAYS gifts. No child can ever exist that is not a complete and utter gift from God. As Catholics, we are called to be an example to the world that children are gifts and that human life is precious.

So many Catholic families do a wonderful job providing this example when they welcome children into their homes in large numbers. A family very dear to my heart has nine children (under the age of 12!). They are a living, breathing, in-you-face witness to the fact that children are ALWAYS gifts. No child is unwanted, no child is a burden, no child was created without the hand of God. This family makes people think. They make people uncomfortable. In a world where children are seen as too expensive, too inconvenient, too time consuming, and too much work-this family dares to say, "No they're not!!" They are so pleasing to the Lord because they are spreading His message that children are a gift from Him and should be received with open arms if and when He wants to give them to you.

Another witness to the fact that children are ALWAYS a gift are families of children with special needs. Special needs kiddos have such a "special" place in my heart as a speech-language pathologist. So many families courageously raise children who have the odds stacked against them. They welcome babies into the world despite knowing that they'll have Down's Syndrome or only live for a few hours outside the womb. Children, no matter what kind of problems they may have, are ALWAYS a gift. These families are great witnesses of that.

But even with the great examples of large Catholic familes and parents raising children with special needs, the world is still left wondering why children are ONLY a gift. That's where the infertiles come in. Children are ONLY a gift, meaning they cannot be purchased, demanded, or earned. If God does not wish to bestow this gift upon you, you will not be blessed with the gift of a child. On the flip side of the contraceptive/abortion culture that says children are something to be done away with are those who view children as a right. Both are seriously misguided. Children should not be created in a lab. They shouldn't grow in the tummies of surrogate women who are not their mothers. Immoral practices (specifically masturbation for sperm donation) should never be done so that a couple can have a child.

Maybe it's my responsibility to witness this to the world. You don't deserve children-you are blessed with them. You can't earn them-they are ONLY a gift. When I stand in the back of Mass on Sunday, surrounded by large families witnessing to the blessing of children, I am making just as strong of a statement. It may not be quite as visible, and a lot of people may miss it (or worse-think I'm part of the contraceptive culture), but it's a statement that needs to be made. And somebody's got to do it. And I'm honored that God has asked me to be that somebody.

This doesn't make my childlessness any easier. I still wish I was called to witness to the fact that children are ALWAYS gifts while I loaded them up into our 15 passenger van instead of witnessing to the fact that they're ONLY gifts while driving away in a car without car seats. But knowing that my infertility can do some good in the world makes it a little more bearable. Children are not to be discarded nor avoided nor deserved. And I have the privilege of witnessing to one part of that claim.

Quick Takes (3)

-1-

We bought the car! We drove all the way to Slidell, LA and came home with a new car! I admit, I relished in the heated back and forth of bargaining. I had so much fun. I'm weird. But we got a great deal and now have a car with ROOM and AIR CONDITIONER!

-2-

We're going to Louisianna again tomorrow morning. We're going to spend the weekend in New Orleans and I'm so excited. It will be so good for us to spend some time away alone together (too bad it's not white baby time yet :). We have no plans other than to enjoy the weekend and do whatever we feel like doing.

-3-

I take that back, we have two plans. One is to eat breakfast at Cafe DuMonde. The other is to attend a Latin Mass at St. Patrick's. I borrowed a mantilla (chapel veil) from a friend of mine and am nervous excited to try it out!

-4-

The Dress Dare is going well. Six days in and no pants! I seriously considered wearing capris today because a child I see in the afternoon had a really hard time with my skirt on Tuesday. He has Autism and was constantly trying to lift it up and put his feet in my crotch. I was nervous about wearing one again but decided to give it one more try. Turns out-he was fascinated by the polka dots in the skirt I wore today and it actually helped him keep calm during our session. Amazing! What great confirmaiton that I should keep going (and that I should wear this skirt on every Tuesday and Thursday!)

-5-

I talked to a blogger! In real life! Wheelbarrow Rider was sweet enough to let me pick her brain for over an hour Thursday night (maybe even more like two). It was sooo great to talk her. We talked just like we were old friends. She gave me some great advice on thyroid issues, clotting, hCG, and more. Talking to her made the entire blog world feel more "real", more tangible. I'm so grateful for my new blog friends. That may sound weird to some of my real-life friend reading this, I realize. But I can't express the amount of comfort that is gained from knowing there are people like you out there in the world. Incredibly Catholic AND infertile-we're a pretty small percentage. Thanks Wheelbarrow Rider. You made my lonely night (Ted was in Arkansas) so enjoyable!

-6-

I'm all set with my ultrasounds for next week. The ultrasound girl in town contacted the ones in TN and figured out everything she's supposed to be doing. I love having ultrasounds done. I always think "if I get pregnant this month I'll be able to tell my kid that I saw them (or at least their follicle) before they even existed! With only half of their DNA." Wouldn't that be cool!

-7-

This week was packed full of cute kid quotes. Here are a couple:

Kid 1: Ms. Kaitlin, you can come spend the night at my house tonight.
Me: That would be so fun!
Kid 1: And I have a tent! If you're not too fat I'll let you come in!

Kid 2: (trying to tell me how to get to his house so I can spend the night at HIS house) Well, how about I make a sign with my name on it and put it in the window. Then you drive by and stop when you see the sign?

Kid 3: (after seeing a picture of Ted on my cell phone) Is that your husband?
Me: Yep! He's really tall, like a basketball player.
Kid 3: Really? He's not real small like you?

Ah! I love em so much!

More Thoughts on Hope

I began a conversation with Ted last night with the words, "I need to tell you something before you read it on my blog." (Ha! I promise you we really do have great communication skills) "Yes, that would probably be a good thing," he said. I told him about my feelings towards 'not getting our hopes up' and explained that I NEEDED to let my hopes get up because I didn't have anything else. After we talked about it, he completely agreed and was on board with my new attitude of "hope despite heartache".

The more we talked, the more I realized that I need to be clinging to hope like it's my life support. Like it's the last parachute out of the falling plane. I need to let myself rejoice when a pharmacy miraculously has the drug I need, an insurance claim finally get sorted out, or my bloodwork comes back with great results. Those are are all great victories and deserve their joy and the hope that follows. Then I said to Ted, "why can't we get our hopes up? You would never tell me not to get my love up. Or not to get my faith up."

And that's exactly right-faith, hope, and love are all in the same boat. We all know Corinthians 13. We would never supress feelings of love or the gift of faith because we recognize that these are beautiful wonderful gifts that God wishes to bestow on us. When it comes to hope, though, we hesistate. We don't want to hope too much or get our hopes too high. We fear it might come back to bite us. But we would never say that about faith or love. We can NEVER love to much or have too much faith. So, my deductive reasoning tells me that we can NEVER have too much hope either.

So here's to hope. And lots of it. We can't have too much-so let's ask God for the maximum dosage. Yes, there will be those of us who will never conceive. Those who can never adopt or foster. And I might be in all of those categories. But we don't know that yet-because there is still hope.

Sidenote: I really love my new phrase of "hope despite heartache". I think I need to tape that to my dashboard or bathroom mirror or something. If I didn't already have a blog-I think I would make that my title. But I couldn't diss Mary like that, so my title will have to stay.

Joy in Hope

TCIE is right-there really is joy in hope. I got my hope back today. And even if it only lasts for a day-today was a good day and I'll take it. I owe this return in hope to all of the positive comments on my post from yesterday. So many people were excited by my blood work and starting HCG that it actually got me thinking "maybe this could work". This made me hopeful-which gave me joy.

Sometimes I'm scared to get too hopeful. Ted's been known to say "let's not get our hopes up" and while I completely understand (and sometimes agree) with where he's coming from-I'm this point I'm thinking "getting my hopes up is all I have left!" If I can't hope-what can I do?  It's fun to get excited about the possibility of a trigger shot actually working. It's fun to daydream about the way this dress would look on me if I had a baby bump. And yes, it hurts ten times worse when cycle day one shows up-but maybe it's worth it. A week of heartache for almost a month of hoping. I'll take those odds. If I don't hope-I'll be miserable the entire month instead of just during my period.

Things got accomplished today. I talked with both clinics at least ten times total. I figured out the amount each ultrasound is going to cost (less than we thought!). I put my new ultrasound girl in touch with my old ones in TN. I scheduled the ultrasounds for 7:15 am every day next week. I talked to my doctor about finding me some HCG. Things fell into place. This gives me hope.

I was joyful to my kids today. I haven't been joyful in probably over a month. I laughed with them. I hugged them like crazy. I even stopped by some of the infant rooms to snuggle some of the babies before they went down for their nap. I realize that this could all come crashing down in about 3 and a half weeks-but I don't care about that right now. Right now, I'm taking what I can get. And if I can get hope in ultrasounds and HCG-then I'm taking it.

Uncomfortably Numb

This is not a happy post. If you're feeling down-don't read this. It won't pick you up.  What an awful day. Three major meltdowns (possibly from Clomid??). One at work-I was trying to find a file that was missing and broke into tears. One at home-Ted "took a tone" for a milla-second and I snapped then started bawling. And once during Adoration tonight-tears streamed and streamed while I tried to stay quiet and not disrupt the other people. I can't keep it together.

Lately, I've been very numb to this whole thing. Numb to my cross and numb to the pain. I think it's a defense mechanism. I'm retreating into myself and hoping that the pain will go away as I just wait it out. It's not working. I'm like a robot-especially at work. I'm not joyful to my preschoolers, I'm not making them laugh or acting goofy with them. I'm not mean-but I'm definitely not the therapist they need. I'm walking slower, I'm driving slower, I'm just lethargic. I have no motivation to do anything joyfully. I'm just trying to make it through the day.  When friends ask me how I'm doing, like REALLY ask-the kind of asking that you know means "how are you holding up with your childlessness?" I just pretend like I don't notice what they're talking about and say "fine, how are you?" with a smile. I'm not fine. I'm miserable.

The numbness wore off today and turned into anger and tears. I'm not sure which is worse. Crying is painful but at least I feel something. But tonight at Adoration, this was a new kind of desperation. I couldn't talk to Jesus without being angry. Even mean. I actually said the words "why me?" in my head! Pathetic! I told Him this cross was too heavy, that I didn't want it anymore, that He could take his stupid sweater back because I didn't want it. And then, without even realizing what I was saying (in my head) I actually said the words, "I'm sick of You." I think I meant to say I'm sick of this cross-but I definitely said You. I don't know if I meant it or not. I felt like I meant it. I took it back instantly. I told Him I was sorry. I felt horrible and still do. But I said it. I can't deny that I said it. I would be first in line for confession tomorrow afternoon but our priest is out of town all week (that's what you get for living in Mississippi-no other priests or churches to go to). Am I the only one who can get this mad at God? I don't know how to change it. It's like my mood swings are being taken out on Him personally. I hope he knows how much I want to love Him. I'm not sick of Him, I'm just sick of this cross He's given me. I don't want it anymore. It's too heavy.

My NaPro doctor called me today and we got to talk for over a half hour. That kind of thing usually puts me in a great mood-but today it was just overwhelming. I got the results for the bloodwork I did on P+7 last month (while on 25mg Clomid). They were great! Even better than pre-surgery/medicine. My progesterone rose from 20 to 55 and my estrodial rose from 24 to 40-something. Dr. G was really happy about this and said it was confirmation that my body is responding to the Clomid. He said to go ahead with Mucinex and B6 for this month and he would prescribe an antibiotic if I needed it after that. He also said that he wants me to start doing HCG injections to trigger the follicle to rupture. I still don't know if I even have an egg in my follicle, but that my be impossible to find out since the u/s girl in town doesn't know how to do that. We're gonna try though. I'm going to try to plan another u/s study for all of next week and take the trigger shot when the follicle gets to be 2.0 cm (before Clomid it only got to 1.8). I have a lot of work to do to arrange the u/s and figure out where and how to get the HCG. That new stress might be adding to the intensity of my outbursts today. And the stress of wondering if we're going to be able to pay for all these ultrasounds. It's so much to think about.

I took 50mg of Clomid this month, up from 25 the past three months. I emailed my nurse as soon as I started my period to ask Dr. G how much I should take but never heard back from her so I had to make my own decision. (I found out today she was out because she found out her husband has cancer-please pray for her, she's wonderful!) He said it was probably not a good idea to take 50mg since my body has done well with 25 and that he was concerned it would affect my mucus anymore. Crap. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now-I'm CD 6 already and yesterday was my last dose.

I read about Sew this afternoon and was actually filled with hope rather than jealousy. I don't ever remember hearing about a pregnancy and not being jealous. If it happened for her, it can happen for me right?

Anyone willing to offer me some advice on HCG? I'll take whatever you can give!

The Dress Dare

I decided to join with a few other bloggers and tackle the Dress Dare featured on the Defining Beauty blog.  Basically-it encourages women to wear dresses or skirts every single day in May in honor of Our Lady and in celebration of true femininity. I think it's awesome.

A few of my thoughts on the subject:

It will be pretty easy for me. I own a ton of skirts and have a couple of cute dresses that can be worn casually. My very sweet pregnant friend just gave me a bunch more skirts to wear over the summer while she doesn't fit into them (she still got the better end of that deal!) I can wear them to work as long as their not restricting-so I wear my "flowy" ones on the weekdays. And-I LIKE wearing skirts. It's definitely not a sacrifice for me. I used to think I looked too short in them, but I got over that after just one day of pure comfort. During the summers, I usually wear skirt just about every single day anyway. Skirt, flip flops, and a solid color tee-my summer wardrobe.

Shortly after we were married I made the internal decision to try and wear only skirts or dresses to Sunday Mass. I just felt God pushing me to do it. As I said, easy in the summer, not so easy in the winter. I spent a ridiculous amount of time and energy ordering long skirts offline and returning them when I realized I looked like a grandma. I gave in last winter and wore pants to Mass. Thankfully, this past winter I discovered boots! I can proudly say I haven't worn pants to Mass in over a year thanks to the wonderful invention of boots!

And while I am proud of myself and think that my efforts are pleasing to God, I'm still falling short. I still wear pants to daily Masses. I don't know how I rationalize this in my head. If it's clear to me that God wants me to wear a skirt to Sunday Mass, why would He change His mind about a random Tuesday? Is it not still a celebration of the Eucharist? Is it not the same Bible being read from? Is is not still heaven touching earth for all the faithful to witness? I know that it is all of these things-but I'm lazy. I wear whatever I've got on when it comes to daily Mass. I need to try harder.

Since the Dress Dare isn't going to be much of a challenge for me, I've decided to spend the month trying to reflect on modesty. Me and modesty go way back. I've been on a long journey to get to know her a little better. I don't want to spend too much time on this post (it's already long enough as it is) and I'd rather be cuddling up on the couch with Ted. But I do want to get some thoughts down on paper (or blog).

Modesty is important. Period. The Church has very clear teachings in regards to sins against the flesh and immodest dress is never acceptable. How to define "modesty", however, gets pretty tricky. I know many beautiful, wonderful Catholic women who wear things that I wouldn't dream of! Also, I know many women who put me to shame in my skinny jeans and too-tight tops. The most important thing is that we're all TRYING!

While I don't have the time or energy to post about the importance of modesty, I do want to include some links that have already said what I want to say (only better). A post published today at Defining Beauty wonderfully sums up the information in this book. I've known about the link between immodest dress and corruption of the Church for years now. What's taken me so long to get on board??  Also, this homily by a fantastic priest reminds us that the Vatican has very strict guideline for women's clothing-the Vatican! Last I checked they were a pretty good source for all things moral.

With that said, here are my thoughts on what is and what is not modest. [Let me first say that just because I believe these things with all my heart and truly feel that God has asked me to dress in this way-does NOT mean I don't fall sometimes. I know that many people could read this and think of me as a hypocrite. And they would be right-I am a hypocrite. But that's why we have confession and that's I frequent it!]

Nothing above the knee. Ever. Ted loves my legs-he tells me all the time. If he's attracted to them after so many years of seeing them-imagine what some high school boy might think as I walk through Wal-Mart. (I'm not saying they're great-only that Ted thinks so-ha!) Our thighs only lead to one place-and it's not our knees. They should be covered.

 No sleeveless. This one is tough. Most people will agree with no spaghetti straps-but sleeveless? I think the line needs to be drawn somewhere and this is where I draw it.

Absolutely no part of a woman's breast should be visible outside of her clothes. None. And that means going up higher than just avoiding a cleavage line. While going through my closet a few weeks ago  I tried on a dress that I wore to some wedding last summer. I asked Ted if he thought the dress was too low or if I should keep it. His response? He poked my skin with his finger just above where the dress was and asked "would it bother you if any other man but me touched you here?" Point taken. If it shouldn't be touched (imagine someone swatting a mosquito away from you) it shouldn't be shown. I got rid of the dress. Ted also reminds me that just because it may cover my chest when I'm starting in the mirror head on-doesn't mean some tall guy can't look straight down it as I stand below him. I falter on that one a lot.

Clothes shouldn't be so tight that they accentuate anything. I don't have a lot to accentuate-but I can still wear my clothes too tight at times. It's usually from not wanting to give up a beloved shirt that's gotten too small-but this is still no excuse.

No pajamas in public. I don't know why this was ridiculously popular in college-it's gross. And no one thinks you're cute in your Ugg boots and cut off sweat pants strolling through the grocery store. I'm against this one not just because it's immodest (only your husband should see you in your night clothes) but it's stupid! Put some real clothes on!

And for the sake of time, I'm going to have to save swimming suits for another day. I promise I'm not avoiding the topic-I'm just tired.....Okay-maybe I'm avoiding the topic. For now at least.

Finally, to end this post, I'll make the much needed disclaimer that I'm not writing this post to judge anyone-Catholic or non-Catholic-on what they are wearing. I would by lying if I said that judgemental thoughts never cross my mind when I see a friend wearing a low cut top to Mass-I'm a prideful sinner and I'm ashamed. But I'm not TRYING to judge! We're all on a journey towards modesty-some may be farther along than others. We should encourage each other and cheer each other on-not roll our eyes when we see a sister failing. I'm speaking these words to myself more than anyone.

I'm interested as to what other people think with regards to this topic. Does anyone agree or disagree with my guidelines for dress? Got any advice on living it out?