TCIE is right-there really is joy in hope. I got my hope back today. And even if it only lasts for a day-today was a good day and I'll take it. I owe this return in hope to all of the positive comments on my post from yesterday. So many people were excited by my blood work and starting HCG that it actually got me thinking "maybe this could work". This made me hopeful-which gave me joy.
Sometimes I'm scared to get too hopeful. Ted's been known to say "let's not get our hopes up" and while I completely understand (and sometimes agree) with where he's coming from-I'm this point I'm thinking "getting my hopes up is all I have left!" If I can't hope-what can I do? It's fun to get excited about the possibility of a trigger shot actually working. It's fun to daydream about the way this dress would look on me if I had a baby bump. And yes, it hurts ten times worse when cycle day one shows up-but maybe it's worth it. A week of heartache for almost a month of hoping. I'll take those odds. If I don't hope-I'll be miserable the entire month instead of just during my period.
Things got accomplished today. I talked with both clinics at least ten times total. I figured out the amount each ultrasound is going to cost (less than we thought!). I put my new ultrasound girl in touch with my old ones in TN. I scheduled the ultrasounds for 7:15 am every day next week. I talked to my doctor about finding me some HCG. Things fell into place. This gives me hope.
I was joyful to my kids today. I haven't been joyful in probably over a month. I laughed with them. I hugged them like crazy. I even stopped by some of the infant rooms to snuggle some of the babies before they went down for their nap. I realize that this could all come crashing down in about 3 and a half weeks-but I don't care about that right now. Right now, I'm taking what I can get. And if I can get hope in ultrasounds and HCG-then I'm taking it.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Uncomfortably Numb
This is not a happy post. If you're feeling down-don't read this. It won't pick you up. What an awful day. Three major meltdowns (possibly from Clomid??). One at work-I was trying to find a file that was missing and broke into tears. One at home-Ted "took a tone" for a milla-second and I snapped then started bawling. And once during Adoration tonight-tears streamed and streamed while I tried to stay quiet and not disrupt the other people. I can't keep it together.
Lately, I've been very numb to this whole thing. Numb to my cross and numb to the pain. I think it's a defense mechanism. I'm retreating into myself and hoping that the pain will go away as I just wait it out. It's not working. I'm like a robot-especially at work. I'm not joyful to my preschoolers, I'm not making them laugh or acting goofy with them. I'm not mean-but I'm definitely not the therapist they need. I'm walking slower, I'm driving slower, I'm just lethargic. I have no motivation to do anything joyfully. I'm just trying to make it through the day. When friends ask me how I'm doing, like REALLY ask-the kind of asking that you know means "how are you holding up with your childlessness?" I just pretend like I don't notice what they're talking about and say "fine, how are you?" with a smile. I'm not fine. I'm miserable.
The numbness wore off today and turned into anger and tears. I'm not sure which is worse. Crying is painful but at least I feel something. But tonight at Adoration, this was a new kind of desperation. I couldn't talk to Jesus without being angry. Even mean. I actually said the words "why me?" in my head! Pathetic! I told Him this cross was too heavy, that I didn't want it anymore, that He could take his stupid sweater back because I didn't want it. And then, without even realizing what I was saying (in my head) I actually said the words, "I'm sick of You." I think I meant to say I'm sick of this cross-but I definitely said You. I don't know if I meant it or not. I felt like I meant it. I took it back instantly. I told Him I was sorry. I felt horrible and still do. But I said it. I can't deny that I said it. I would be first in line for confession tomorrow afternoon but our priest is out of town all week (that's what you get for living in Mississippi-no other priests or churches to go to). Am I the only one who can get this mad at God? I don't know how to change it. It's like my mood swings are being taken out on Him personally. I hope he knows how much I want to love Him. I'm not sick of Him, I'm just sick of this cross He's given me. I don't want it anymore. It's too heavy.
My NaPro doctor called me today and we got to talk for over a half hour. That kind of thing usually puts me in a great mood-but today it was just overwhelming. I got the results for the bloodwork I did on P+7 last month (while on 25mg Clomid). They were great! Even better than pre-surgery/medicine. My progesterone rose from 20 to 55 and my estrodial rose from 24 to 40-something. Dr. G was really happy about this and said it was confirmation that my body is responding to the Clomid. He said to go ahead with Mucinex and B6 for this month and he would prescribe an antibiotic if I needed it after that. He also said that he wants me to start doing HCG injections to trigger the follicle to rupture. I still don't know if I even have an egg in my follicle, but that my be impossible to find out since the u/s girl in town doesn't know how to do that. We're gonna try though. I'm going to try to plan another u/s study for all of next week and take the trigger shot when the follicle gets to be 2.0 cm (before Clomid it only got to 1.8). I have a lot of work to do to arrange the u/s and figure out where and how to get the HCG. That new stress might be adding to the intensity of my outbursts today. And the stress of wondering if we're going to be able to pay for all these ultrasounds. It's so much to think about.
I took 50mg of Clomid this month, up from 25 the past three months. I emailed my nurse as soon as I started my period to ask Dr. G how much I should take but never heard back from her so I had to make my own decision. (I found out today she was out because she found out her husband has cancer-please pray for her, she's wonderful!) He said it was probably not a good idea to take 50mg since my body has done well with 25 and that he was concerned it would affect my mucus anymore. Crap. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now-I'm CD 6 already and yesterday was my last dose.
I read about Sew this afternoon and was actually filled with hope rather than jealousy. I don't ever remember hearing about a pregnancy and not being jealous. If it happened for her, it can happen for me right?
Anyone willing to offer me some advice on HCG? I'll take whatever you can give!
Lately, I've been very numb to this whole thing. Numb to my cross and numb to the pain. I think it's a defense mechanism. I'm retreating into myself and hoping that the pain will go away as I just wait it out. It's not working. I'm like a robot-especially at work. I'm not joyful to my preschoolers, I'm not making them laugh or acting goofy with them. I'm not mean-but I'm definitely not the therapist they need. I'm walking slower, I'm driving slower, I'm just lethargic. I have no motivation to do anything joyfully. I'm just trying to make it through the day. When friends ask me how I'm doing, like REALLY ask-the kind of asking that you know means "how are you holding up with your childlessness?" I just pretend like I don't notice what they're talking about and say "fine, how are you?" with a smile. I'm not fine. I'm miserable.
The numbness wore off today and turned into anger and tears. I'm not sure which is worse. Crying is painful but at least I feel something. But tonight at Adoration, this was a new kind of desperation. I couldn't talk to Jesus without being angry. Even mean. I actually said the words "why me?" in my head! Pathetic! I told Him this cross was too heavy, that I didn't want it anymore, that He could take his stupid sweater back because I didn't want it. And then, without even realizing what I was saying (in my head) I actually said the words, "I'm sick of You." I think I meant to say I'm sick of this cross-but I definitely said You. I don't know if I meant it or not. I felt like I meant it. I took it back instantly. I told Him I was sorry. I felt horrible and still do. But I said it. I can't deny that I said it. I would be first in line for confession tomorrow afternoon but our priest is out of town all week (that's what you get for living in Mississippi-no other priests or churches to go to). Am I the only one who can get this mad at God? I don't know how to change it. It's like my mood swings are being taken out on Him personally. I hope he knows how much I want to love Him. I'm not sick of Him, I'm just sick of this cross He's given me. I don't want it anymore. It's too heavy.
My NaPro doctor called me today and we got to talk for over a half hour. That kind of thing usually puts me in a great mood-but today it was just overwhelming. I got the results for the bloodwork I did on P+7 last month (while on 25mg Clomid). They were great! Even better than pre-surgery/medicine. My progesterone rose from 20 to 55 and my estrodial rose from 24 to 40-something. Dr. G was really happy about this and said it was confirmation that my body is responding to the Clomid. He said to go ahead with Mucinex and B6 for this month and he would prescribe an antibiotic if I needed it after that. He also said that he wants me to start doing HCG injections to trigger the follicle to rupture. I still don't know if I even have an egg in my follicle, but that my be impossible to find out since the u/s girl in town doesn't know how to do that. We're gonna try though. I'm going to try to plan another u/s study for all of next week and take the trigger shot when the follicle gets to be 2.0 cm (before Clomid it only got to 1.8). I have a lot of work to do to arrange the u/s and figure out where and how to get the HCG. That new stress might be adding to the intensity of my outbursts today. And the stress of wondering if we're going to be able to pay for all these ultrasounds. It's so much to think about.
I took 50mg of Clomid this month, up from 25 the past three months. I emailed my nurse as soon as I started my period to ask Dr. G how much I should take but never heard back from her so I had to make my own decision. (I found out today she was out because she found out her husband has cancer-please pray for her, she's wonderful!) He said it was probably not a good idea to take 50mg since my body has done well with 25 and that he was concerned it would affect my mucus anymore. Crap. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now-I'm CD 6 already and yesterday was my last dose.
I read about Sew this afternoon and was actually filled with hope rather than jealousy. I don't ever remember hearing about a pregnancy and not being jealous. If it happened for her, it can happen for me right?
Anyone willing to offer me some advice on HCG? I'll take whatever you can give!
Monday, May 3, 2010
The Dress Dare
I decided to join with a few other bloggers and tackle the Dress Dare featured on the Defining Beauty blog. Basically-it encourages women to wear dresses or skirts every single day in May in honor of Our Lady and in celebration of true femininity. I think it's awesome.
A few of my thoughts on the subject:
It will be pretty easy for me. I own a ton of skirts and have a couple of cute dresses that can be worn casually. My very sweet pregnant friend just gave me a bunch more skirts to wear over the summer while she doesn't fit into them (she still got the better end of that deal!) I can wear them to work as long as their not restricting-so I wear my "flowy" ones on the weekdays. And-I LIKE wearing skirts. It's definitely not a sacrifice for me. I used to think I looked too short in them, but I got over that after just one day of pure comfort. During the summers, I usually wear skirt just about every single day anyway. Skirt, flip flops, and a solid color tee-my summer wardrobe.
Shortly after we were married I made the internal decision to try and wear only skirts or dresses to Sunday Mass. I just felt God pushing me to do it. As I said, easy in the summer, not so easy in the winter. I spent a ridiculous amount of time and energy ordering long skirts offline and returning them when I realized I looked like a grandma. I gave in last winter and wore pants to Mass. Thankfully, this past winter I discovered boots! I can proudly say I haven't worn pants to Mass in over a year thanks to the wonderful invention of boots!
And while I am proud of myself and think that my efforts are pleasing to God, I'm still falling short. I still wear pants to daily Masses. I don't know how I rationalize this in my head. If it's clear to me that God wants me to wear a skirt to Sunday Mass, why would He change His mind about a random Tuesday? Is it not still a celebration of the Eucharist? Is it not the same Bible being read from? Is is not still heaven touching earth for all the faithful to witness? I know that it is all of these things-but I'm lazy. I wear whatever I've got on when it comes to daily Mass. I need to try harder.
Since the Dress Dare isn't going to be much of a challenge for me, I've decided to spend the month trying to reflect on modesty. Me and modesty go way back. I've been on a long journey to get to know her a little better. I don't want to spend too much time on this post (it's already long enough as it is) and I'd rather be cuddling up on the couch with Ted. But I do want to get some thoughts down on paper (or blog).
Modesty is important. Period. The Church has very clear teachings in regards to sins against the flesh and immodest dress is never acceptable. How to define "modesty", however, gets pretty tricky. I know many beautiful, wonderful Catholic women who wear things that I wouldn't dream of! Also, I know many women who put me to shame in my skinny jeans and too-tight tops. The most important thing is that we're all TRYING!
While I don't have the time or energy to post about the importance of modesty, I do want to include some links that have already said what I want to say (only better). A post published today at Defining Beauty wonderfully sums up the information in this book. I've known about the link between immodest dress and corruption of the Church for years now. What's taken me so long to get on board?? Also, this homily by a fantastic priest reminds us that the Vatican has very strict guideline for women's clothing-the Vatican! Last I checked they were a pretty good source for all things moral.
With that said, here are my thoughts on what is and what is not modest. [Let me first say that just because I believe these things with all my heart and truly feel that God has asked me to dress in this way-does NOT mean I don't fall sometimes. I know that many people could read this and think of me as a hypocrite. And they would be right-I am a hypocrite. But that's why we have confession and that's I frequent it!]
Nothing above the knee. Ever. Ted loves my legs-he tells me all the time. If he's attracted to them after so many years of seeing them-imagine what some high school boy might think as I walk through Wal-Mart. (I'm not saying they're great-only that Ted thinks so-ha!) Our thighs only lead to one place-and it's not our knees. They should be covered.
No sleeveless. This one is tough. Most people will agree with no spaghetti straps-but sleeveless? I think the line needs to be drawn somewhere and this is where I draw it.
Absolutely no part of a woman's breast should be visible outside of her clothes. None. And that means going up higher than just avoiding a cleavage line. While going through my closet a few weeks ago I tried on a dress that I wore to some wedding last summer. I asked Ted if he thought the dress was too low or if I should keep it. His response? He poked my skin with his finger just above where the dress was and asked "would it bother you if any other man but me touched you here?" Point taken. If it shouldn't be touched (imagine someone swatting a mosquito away from you) it shouldn't be shown. I got rid of the dress. Ted also reminds me that just because it may cover my chest when I'm starting in the mirror head on-doesn't mean some tall guy can't look straight down it as I stand below him. I falter on that one a lot.
Clothes shouldn't be so tight that they accentuate anything. I don't have a lot to accentuate-but I can still wear my clothes too tight at times. It's usually from not wanting to give up a beloved shirt that's gotten too small-but this is still no excuse.
No pajamas in public. I don't know why this was ridiculously popular in college-it's gross. And no one thinks you're cute in your Ugg boots and cut off sweat pants strolling through the grocery store. I'm against this one not just because it's immodest (only your husband should see you in your night clothes) but it's stupid! Put some real clothes on!
And for the sake of time, I'm going to have to save swimming suits for another day. I promise I'm not avoiding the topic-I'm just tired.....Okay-maybe I'm avoiding the topic. For now at least.
Finally, to end this post, I'll make the much needed disclaimer that I'm not writing this post to judge anyone-Catholic or non-Catholic-on what they are wearing. I would by lying if I said that judgemental thoughts never cross my mind when I see a friend wearing a low cut top to Mass-I'm a prideful sinner and I'm ashamed. But I'm not TRYING to judge! We're all on a journey towards modesty-some may be farther along than others. We should encourage each other and cheer each other on-not roll our eyes when we see a sister failing. I'm speaking these words to myself more than anyone.
I'm interested as to what other people think with regards to this topic. Does anyone agree or disagree with my guidelines for dress? Got any advice on living it out?
A few of my thoughts on the subject:
It will be pretty easy for me. I own a ton of skirts and have a couple of cute dresses that can be worn casually. My very sweet pregnant friend just gave me a bunch more skirts to wear over the summer while she doesn't fit into them (she still got the better end of that deal!) I can wear them to work as long as their not restricting-so I wear my "flowy" ones on the weekdays. And-I LIKE wearing skirts. It's definitely not a sacrifice for me. I used to think I looked too short in them, but I got over that after just one day of pure comfort. During the summers, I usually wear skirt just about every single day anyway. Skirt, flip flops, and a solid color tee-my summer wardrobe.
Shortly after we were married I made the internal decision to try and wear only skirts or dresses to Sunday Mass. I just felt God pushing me to do it. As I said, easy in the summer, not so easy in the winter. I spent a ridiculous amount of time and energy ordering long skirts offline and returning them when I realized I looked like a grandma. I gave in last winter and wore pants to Mass. Thankfully, this past winter I discovered boots! I can proudly say I haven't worn pants to Mass in over a year thanks to the wonderful invention of boots!
And while I am proud of myself and think that my efforts are pleasing to God, I'm still falling short. I still wear pants to daily Masses. I don't know how I rationalize this in my head. If it's clear to me that God wants me to wear a skirt to Sunday Mass, why would He change His mind about a random Tuesday? Is it not still a celebration of the Eucharist? Is it not the same Bible being read from? Is is not still heaven touching earth for all the faithful to witness? I know that it is all of these things-but I'm lazy. I wear whatever I've got on when it comes to daily Mass. I need to try harder.
Since the Dress Dare isn't going to be much of a challenge for me, I've decided to spend the month trying to reflect on modesty. Me and modesty go way back. I've been on a long journey to get to know her a little better. I don't want to spend too much time on this post (it's already long enough as it is) and I'd rather be cuddling up on the couch with Ted. But I do want to get some thoughts down on paper (or blog).
Modesty is important. Period. The Church has very clear teachings in regards to sins against the flesh and immodest dress is never acceptable. How to define "modesty", however, gets pretty tricky. I know many beautiful, wonderful Catholic women who wear things that I wouldn't dream of! Also, I know many women who put me to shame in my skinny jeans and too-tight tops. The most important thing is that we're all TRYING!
While I don't have the time or energy to post about the importance of modesty, I do want to include some links that have already said what I want to say (only better). A post published today at Defining Beauty wonderfully sums up the information in this book. I've known about the link between immodest dress and corruption of the Church for years now. What's taken me so long to get on board?? Also, this homily by a fantastic priest reminds us that the Vatican has very strict guideline for women's clothing-the Vatican! Last I checked they were a pretty good source for all things moral.
With that said, here are my thoughts on what is and what is not modest. [Let me first say that just because I believe these things with all my heart and truly feel that God has asked me to dress in this way-does NOT mean I don't fall sometimes. I know that many people could read this and think of me as a hypocrite. And they would be right-I am a hypocrite. But that's why we have confession and that's I frequent it!]
Nothing above the knee. Ever. Ted loves my legs-he tells me all the time. If he's attracted to them after so many years of seeing them-imagine what some high school boy might think as I walk through Wal-Mart. (I'm not saying they're great-only that Ted thinks so-ha!) Our thighs only lead to one place-and it's not our knees. They should be covered.
No sleeveless. This one is tough. Most people will agree with no spaghetti straps-but sleeveless? I think the line needs to be drawn somewhere and this is where I draw it.
Absolutely no part of a woman's breast should be visible outside of her clothes. None. And that means going up higher than just avoiding a cleavage line. While going through my closet a few weeks ago I tried on a dress that I wore to some wedding last summer. I asked Ted if he thought the dress was too low or if I should keep it. His response? He poked my skin with his finger just above where the dress was and asked "would it bother you if any other man but me touched you here?" Point taken. If it shouldn't be touched (imagine someone swatting a mosquito away from you) it shouldn't be shown. I got rid of the dress. Ted also reminds me that just because it may cover my chest when I'm starting in the mirror head on-doesn't mean some tall guy can't look straight down it as I stand below him. I falter on that one a lot.
Clothes shouldn't be so tight that they accentuate anything. I don't have a lot to accentuate-but I can still wear my clothes too tight at times. It's usually from not wanting to give up a beloved shirt that's gotten too small-but this is still no excuse.
No pajamas in public. I don't know why this was ridiculously popular in college-it's gross. And no one thinks you're cute in your Ugg boots and cut off sweat pants strolling through the grocery store. I'm against this one not just because it's immodest (only your husband should see you in your night clothes) but it's stupid! Put some real clothes on!
And for the sake of time, I'm going to have to save swimming suits for another day. I promise I'm not avoiding the topic-I'm just tired.....Okay-maybe I'm avoiding the topic. For now at least.
Finally, to end this post, I'll make the much needed disclaimer that I'm not writing this post to judge anyone-Catholic or non-Catholic-on what they are wearing. I would by lying if I said that judgemental thoughts never cross my mind when I see a friend wearing a low cut top to Mass-I'm a prideful sinner and I'm ashamed. But I'm not TRYING to judge! We're all on a journey towards modesty-some may be farther along than others. We should encourage each other and cheer each other on-not roll our eyes when we see a sister failing. I'm speaking these words to myself more than anyone.
I'm interested as to what other people think with regards to this topic. Does anyone agree or disagree with my guidelines for dress? Got any advice on living it out?
Friday, April 30, 2010
7 Quick Takes (2)
-1-
We're buying a new car! Well, a used one, but new to us. The a/c went out in mine and will cost $1000 to fix. This is at least double what my car is worth. It's time to part ways with my beloved Alero. We're looking to buy a Chevy Equinox. We're wanting something a little bigger (in case we every actually do see two line on a pregnancy test.)
-2-
Speaking of new car, we are driving to Slidell, LA tomorrow morning to hopefully buy the one we want. Anyone live in or near Slidell? Got any tips on a great place to eat?
-3-
I seriously dislike car salesmen. This will be the third car I've purchased in my lifetime (well my parents bought the first-thanks mom and dad!) Almost every car that my family has purchased has been through my ex-boyfriend's dad, who is a used car salesman (but an honest one!) I don't like having to do the whole negotiation thing-I just want the bottom line and let's be done with it. I test drove a car yesterday afternoon and was lied to within the first minute of looking at it. "What kind of gas mileage does this car get?" (I knew it got about 23). "27," the dealer replied, without even thinking about it. I asked him to check on that for me and he called his boss inside. This was what I heard on his end of the conversation: "25? ok, I was thinking it was 24."
Me: You said 27, not 24.
Him: Did I?
Me: You did. I smiled sweetly.
Him: I think I said 24.
Me: No, you said 27.
Him: I said 24-27.
Seriously?? It's scary to think that someone can lie that easily without even flinching. Yuck-we will not be buying a car from Mr. Pants on Fire.
-4-
I made an appointment today for a fitting for my bridesmaid dress for a friend's wedding. The wedding is in late July and we picked the dressed out around Christmas time, right before my surgery. At the time, I couldn't decide what size to get because I was hoping I'd get pregnant right after the surgery. I didn't want to buy it too small and then not fit into it with a 5-6 month baby in my belly. Some of the other bridesmaids suggested getting a bigger size-but they had no idea how much it would hurt to come to the fitting and have the dress taken IN! I tear up when I think about that decision. It was pointless to even think about. I'll walk down the aisle at her wedding without the slightest little bump. This sucks.
-5-
Ted is finished with his finals for the semester! He got a 4.0 for the second semester in a row! Good job babe! We celebrated with a wonderful dinner at a Mexican restaurant where I unfortunately enjoyed a margarita and a beer. Alcohol is bittersweet.
-6-
I'm so excited that tomorrow is May! May is the month that school gets out, that my sister graduates high school (and gives her valedictorian speech), when my other sister graduates college and becomes an outstanding nurse, and the month that my dear friend Deacon Jason is ordained a priest!!! I remember being a sophomore in high school when he was accepted into the seminary and the time has finally come for him to be ordained! I can't wait to go to him for confession-I've always been able to talk to him about anything anyway. But as with every big event, it will be hard for me knowing that I fully expected to have a little baby ready for him to baptize. Does anyone else do this? Picture big events (wedding, ordinations, etc) and imagine you'll have a belly/baby by then? Why do I torture myself?
-7-
What do you do when you don't have anything to say for #7???
Monday, April 26, 2010
A Question for Fellow IFers
Alright ladies, I've got a question about mucus. A quick history:
I don't want to wait until something looks bad before doing something about it. I'd rather pull out all the stops now and hope for the best. What may seem like overkill to some, seems perfectly logical when you take into account the amount pain that only ONE MONTH of infertility creates. Every month that goes by I feel like we are getting further and further from our dream. Why are we waiting to do more??
I know many of you have taken things to get that MCS up in the fantastic range. Isn't there more than just B6. I haven't had much luck with vitamins in the past (tried Vitamin C for all-the-time mucus with no success). I've heard about Mucinex and Fertile CM but don't know many details. I'm asking for your advice-I trust ya'll so much!
Also, has anyone experienced the same kind of "wait and see" approach? I just want to do everything we can-not hold out to see if it's necessary! What did you do? How did you decide what to do and what to wait on? How did you get your doctor on board? Emails are appreciated-my email address is under my picture in my profile.
Thanks!
- I've been on Clomid for three months (25mg) with average mucus cycle scores (MCS). 10.7 the first month, 13.7 the second.
- Before Clomid my MCS were amazing! Never below a 14 and even some perfect 16s in there!
- I actually have an over abundance of mucus at all times in my cycle. Yellow stamps are my best friend. My Dr. can't figure out the cause.
- This past month was a lousy 8.7. I had 4AD the day before Peak Day. (I can't count on one hand the number of times I've seen this in the past YEAR.)
I don't want to wait until something looks bad before doing something about it. I'd rather pull out all the stops now and hope for the best. What may seem like overkill to some, seems perfectly logical when you take into account the amount pain that only ONE MONTH of infertility creates. Every month that goes by I feel like we are getting further and further from our dream. Why are we waiting to do more??
I know many of you have taken things to get that MCS up in the fantastic range. Isn't there more than just B6. I haven't had much luck with vitamins in the past (tried Vitamin C for all-the-time mucus with no success). I've heard about Mucinex and Fertile CM but don't know many details. I'm asking for your advice-I trust ya'll so much!
Also, has anyone experienced the same kind of "wait and see" approach? I just want to do everything we can-not hold out to see if it's necessary! What did you do? How did you decide what to do and what to wait on? How did you get your doctor on board? Emails are appreciated-my email address is under my picture in my profile.
Thanks!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
The Body of Christ
What a day it's already been! And it's only 11:30! I woke up with a bit of a sore throat and headache and had a hard time concentrating at Mass. After Mass we gathered in the back with our usual group of friends, but for some reason today was harder than usual. Every married couple that we're friends with from our new parish has children. One is pregnant, one just gave birth, and I'm sure there are more announcements to come very soon. We met a new couple too-and of course, they had a beautiful baby girl and didn't look a day older than us. I usually love staying around after Mass and talking with the women and watching the kids play. We're usually the last ones to leave. But today, I just couldn't take it. We left pretty much right away and I held back tears as I got in the car.
Thinking that Mother's Day was going to be next Sunday, I said to Ted (only half joking), "I want to skip Mass next week. Don't you think we should get a special dispensation? I just don't think I'll be able to handle watching all those mothers stand up and get a blessing." And he said, "Just try to be happy for the women who are mothers." "That doesn't help at all," I rudely replied. I was pretty quiet the rest of the ride home.
During lunch I snapped at him several more times and held back tears some more. I don't think I can blame this moodiness on the Clomid-not the right time of my cycle. Darn-there goes my excuse.
I love my friends down here-I really do. They are wonderful, beautiful Catholics and I'm blessed to know each one of them. But that doesn't make it any easier to see them with their pregnant bellies, their beautiful children, and their mini vans. I know they pray for us and want us to have this burden lifted. But they don't understand. How can they? It's something only a fellow infertile can understand.
After lunch I got on the computer to check email and read any updated blogs. The first email I got was from a blogger friend who is also Catholic and trying to get pregnant. She emailed me just to let me know that she was going to the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe tomorrow to attend a Mass for the installation of a new relic of St. Gianna. She wanted me to know that she would be praying for ME. Me personally (along with other bloggers). She has never even met me and lives hundreds of miles away. But tomorrow she will be praying for me. She knows the hurt I have inside. She knows how heavy this cross is. And she's praying for me. That brings me such comfort.
Just a moment later I got an instant message from another infertile Catholic who I "met" through blogging. She asked if I would pray for her today. She and her husband just experienced a failed adoption, she started her period today, AND she is scheduled to give a talk about "hope" to other infertile couples at a retreat this afternoon. Ouch. I found out exactly what time she was scheduled to speak and told her I would be praying. Her reply: "The Body of Christ is is amazing!"
She's right. The Body of Christ IS amazing! I don't know a single soul in real life that understands what I'm going through. I have no example of a Catholic couple who is suffering the way we are suffering. No one to talk to who will really "get it". But I have my blog. And my blogger friends. And they get me. The Body of Christ is online! And thank the Lord for it. I don't know where I'd be without these friends that exist only in the internet. I pray for you all daily and know that you are praying for me. I can't thank you enough for just being there-in your blogs-to give me hope and keep me going.
And I got some good news too! I realized that Mother's Day isn't next week-it's May 9th! Ted and I just booked a hotel in New Orleans for that weekend! We wanted to go next weekend, but everything was already booked. I guess it was Divine Providence that we had to move it. I know there will still be a Mother's Day blessing at the Mass we attend while on our trip-but I just have a feeling it will hurt a little less if I don't know any of the mothers that are standing around me.
Thinking that Mother's Day was going to be next Sunday, I said to Ted (only half joking), "I want to skip Mass next week. Don't you think we should get a special dispensation? I just don't think I'll be able to handle watching all those mothers stand up and get a blessing." And he said, "Just try to be happy for the women who are mothers." "That doesn't help at all," I rudely replied. I was pretty quiet the rest of the ride home.
During lunch I snapped at him several more times and held back tears some more. I don't think I can blame this moodiness on the Clomid-not the right time of my cycle. Darn-there goes my excuse.
I love my friends down here-I really do. They are wonderful, beautiful Catholics and I'm blessed to know each one of them. But that doesn't make it any easier to see them with their pregnant bellies, their beautiful children, and their mini vans. I know they pray for us and want us to have this burden lifted. But they don't understand. How can they? It's something only a fellow infertile can understand.
After lunch I got on the computer to check email and read any updated blogs. The first email I got was from a blogger friend who is also Catholic and trying to get pregnant. She emailed me just to let me know that she was going to the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe tomorrow to attend a Mass for the installation of a new relic of St. Gianna. She wanted me to know that she would be praying for ME. Me personally (along with other bloggers). She has never even met me and lives hundreds of miles away. But tomorrow she will be praying for me. She knows the hurt I have inside. She knows how heavy this cross is. And she's praying for me. That brings me such comfort.
Just a moment later I got an instant message from another infertile Catholic who I "met" through blogging. She asked if I would pray for her today. She and her husband just experienced a failed adoption, she started her period today, AND she is scheduled to give a talk about "hope" to other infertile couples at a retreat this afternoon. Ouch. I found out exactly what time she was scheduled to speak and told her I would be praying. Her reply: "The Body of Christ is is amazing!"
She's right. The Body of Christ IS amazing! I don't know a single soul in real life that understands what I'm going through. I have no example of a Catholic couple who is suffering the way we are suffering. No one to talk to who will really "get it". But I have my blog. And my blogger friends. And they get me. The Body of Christ is online! And thank the Lord for it. I don't know where I'd be without these friends that exist only in the internet. I pray for you all daily and know that you are praying for me. I can't thank you enough for just being there-in your blogs-to give me hope and keep me going.
And I got some good news too! I realized that Mother's Day isn't next week-it's May 9th! Ted and I just booked a hotel in New Orleans for that weekend! We wanted to go next weekend, but everything was already booked. I guess it was Divine Providence that we had to move it. I know there will still be a Mother's Day blessing at the Mass we attend while on our trip-but I just have a feeling it will hurt a little less if I don't know any of the mothers that are standing around me.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Kids Say...
the funniest things! One of the best (ok-probably the best) aspects of my job as a speech-language pathologist is getting to hear all the random and hillarious things that my preschoolers say. I'm not from the south and have litterally only known about five black people before moving to Mississippi from Missouri. So with the combination of the southern way of life and black culture-my kids say some pretty funny stuff to this outsider.
These are just from today:
When asked "what would you do if a stranger asked you to go for a ride?" (as part of a stupid language screening) one of my five year olds said (with the cutest accent). "I tell that foo' to back it up. Back up, monster! Back up!" It wasn't the "go get my mom" or "tell him no" that the test manual was looking for-but I gave him credit.
When I was doing the same test on a four year old boy he was getting frustrated because he knew he was getting a lot wrong. He was finally able to do one of the tasks and after he sorted the pictures into the right stacks he raised his arms in the air and shouted, "I know things!" Precious!
Another little cutie told me that I could go on his vacation to Orange Beach this summer. And just in case I thought about saying no, he added, "I'll even bring some candy!"
And lastly, about 50-60 kids a day yell out "take me, take me!" when I walk through the halls of Head Start to get one of their classmates. Most of them know my name but some of them just say "hey speech". I wish I could take them all to therapy with me-not because they need help with speech or language, but because they need someone to listen to them in a one on one setting. They need someone to tell them how beautiful and smart they are. I really would "take them" home with me if I could.
Unfortunately not every kiddo said something funny today. I got some pretty sad and distrubing answers to the question "what would you do if you saw smoke and fire". I'm developing a pretty thick skin to these kinds of comments-but they still amaze me every time. Sew-I wish you lived closer and could take some of my kiddos in with you. Before ya'll exit out of this window-will you please say a prayer for "my kids". They've got the odds stacked against them-very poor, single parent families, awful living conditions-please pray that they stay safe, healthy, and somehow learn that Jesus loves them
These are just from today:
When asked "what would you do if a stranger asked you to go for a ride?" (as part of a stupid language screening) one of my five year olds said (with the cutest accent). "I tell that foo' to back it up. Back up, monster! Back up!" It wasn't the "go get my mom" or "tell him no" that the test manual was looking for-but I gave him credit.
When I was doing the same test on a four year old boy he was getting frustrated because he knew he was getting a lot wrong. He was finally able to do one of the tasks and after he sorted the pictures into the right stacks he raised his arms in the air and shouted, "I know things!" Precious!
Another little cutie told me that I could go on his vacation to Orange Beach this summer. And just in case I thought about saying no, he added, "I'll even bring some candy!"
And lastly, about 50-60 kids a day yell out "take me, take me!" when I walk through the halls of Head Start to get one of their classmates. Most of them know my name but some of them just say "hey speech". I wish I could take them all to therapy with me-not because they need help with speech or language, but because they need someone to listen to them in a one on one setting. They need someone to tell them how beautiful and smart they are. I really would "take them" home with me if I could.
Unfortunately not every kiddo said something funny today. I got some pretty sad and distrubing answers to the question "what would you do if you saw smoke and fire". I'm developing a pretty thick skin to these kinds of comments-but they still amaze me every time. Sew-I wish you lived closer and could take some of my kiddos in with you. Before ya'll exit out of this window-will you please say a prayer for "my kids". They've got the odds stacked against them-very poor, single parent families, awful living conditions-please pray that they stay safe, healthy, and somehow learn that Jesus loves them
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