I "Just Know"

I just know. This phrase has been uttered out of my mouth on numerous occasions. There are three different types of situations in which I just know something:

The first: when I present a fact or statistic about any given topic and have no idea how to back it up. I'm notorious known for easily recalling beautiful quotes from saints, minute details of obscure Church teachings, and shocking facts to persuade someone in a heated debate.  "St. Theresa of Avila once said...." "Well you know, the Church's position on infant baptism by a lay person clearly states..." or "This county has the largest per capita abuse rate in the entire state!" But when presented with the question of, "how did you know that?" I can only respond, "I just know." I can't recall who told me, where I read it, or how I know it's true. I just know. It doesn't make for a very convincing argument.

The second: when I have complete conviction and clarity that something will occur. I just knew I would marry Ted. Even before we started dating. I remember girlfriends asking me how I knew he was "the one". Besides the list of reasons why he would make the world's greatest husband, my best answer was simply, "I just know." In another, not-so-exciting example, I just knew we were going to have problems getting pregnant. Again, even before we were married. I had already had a successful surgery to remove endo years earlier and my doctor had NO DOUBT that I wouldn't have any trouble conceiving. That was little comfort. Ted and I started trying to get pregnant before it was really "convenient". He was working a minimum wage job, I was in grad school, and our tiny apartment barely contained the two of us. Nevertheless, we started trying for a baby. Part of the reason it was so easy for me to try despite the circumstances was that I just knew we wouldn't actually get pregnant. There was no logical reason behind it. But I just knew.

The third: this one is a little weird. Let me preface it by saying that I fully understand and support the Church's teaching on "paranormal" activities. I do not read my horoscope or believe in fortune tellers, and I even shy away from Harry Potter because I fear crossing the line on the Church's teaching. I do, however, get the occasional "premonition" (if that's even the right word for it). I've had these gut feelings all my life that tell me when something is going to happen. Silly little things. In grade school I just knew when my name was going to be called on. I could feel it coming. Literally every time I've ever won anything by drawing a name out of a hat (like a 50/50 drawing or door prize) I've known I was going to win. This past New Year's we played a game with our friends that had a cash prize (a whopping $11!) and I just knew I was going to win. Even before we sat down to play the game. I'm hardly ever surprised when I win something. And as much as I've tried to "create" this feeling in hopes of getting the million dollar lottery ticket, it can't be done. When my name is called and I step up to claim my prize, I'll lean over to Ted and say,"I knew I was going to win." He always asks, "how did you know??" And my answer is always the same: I just know!

With all of those instances in my life when I have just known something, wouldn't it only make sense that I'll just know when I'm pregnant? I'm only a few days past peak day, but I told Ted I wasn't pregnant today. "How do you know?" he asked. "If I was, I think I would just know." "That's why they make home pregnancy tests," he said, "because you can't just know!" And I realize that all rational and reasonable thought suggests that I'm being ridiculous. But I really do think I would just know if I was pregnant. I thought I knew, one day last week. I just felt that there was something (someone) inside of me. I felt like my stomach was glowing all day. But the feeling was gone the next day and it hasn't returned. I think I was just getting my hopes up.

I know that everyone reading this is thinking I'm wrong, that there is no way to just know. If there was, there would be no such thing as the "two week wait". But I can't seem to shake the idea from my head. I mean, if there was a newly created soul living inside of my body, wouldn't I know about?? Even if he or she was only the size of a pin point! It seems so strange to me that there could be a baby inside of me RIGHT NOW and I could have no idea. It just boggles my mind.

This concept of just knowing got me thinking about Mary. We celebrated the Feast of the Annunciation just three days ago (the day that the Angel Gabriel announced to Mary she would conceive Jesus). I wonder when she actually became pregnant. Was it at the exact moment she said her now famous words of "be it done unto me according to thy word"? Or did it happen later in the day, week, or even month? Did God have to wait until she was on cycle day 14-15 before sending down His only son? And no matter when Jesus was actually conceived-when did Mary actually know about it? Did she have to endure the same two week wait that we are all faced with? When the angel left, did Mary feel pregnant? Or did she continue about her day waiting to see if anything happened? Something tells me that Mary just knew that Jesus had been conceived in her womb. Surely the Mother of God didn't go about not knowing if God himself was inside of her! Even if it was just for two weeks!

But I guess it doesn't matter whether or not Mary just knew that Jesus was in her womb. I was not immaculately conceived, am not without original sin, nor am I carrying the Son of God (even if I AM pregnant!) I don't suppose God is going to bless me with the same understanding that Mary may have received. I guess I'm going to wait until either the cramps kick in or I miss my period. Just like everyone else.