Those Comments

I hate those comments. The ones that are said in passing. As an after thought. As if they're part of a natural, normal conversation.



But the truth behind those comments is disheartening-to say the least.



At our 37 week appointment last Wednesday we met with a different doctor than our usual OB. Our doctor was at the hospital delivering a baby-so we just saw the next available doc. Nice enough. Gave us time to ask questions. Told us to come to the hospital when contractions were eight minutes apart (ha! like that's gonna happen!).



Nothing particularly noteworthy about the visit. Except those dang comments.


The first:
"So, Ted, have you pretty much been a 'yes man' throughout the pregnancy?"


What?? I guess understand his reasons for uttering such a stupid comment. He's bonding with the guy over the rigorous job of having a pregnant wife. He's impressing the woman by making it clear that her husband needs to do her bidding and be at her beck and call. He's making light, casual conversation with two people he's never met before.


But it's more than that. That comment speaks volumes about his view of marriage. The pregnant woman is bossy, demanding, and controlling. It's the husband's job to satisfy her every desire or else face the wrath of her raging hormones. The husband is not the head of the household, but rather a 'yes man' to the whims of his wife.


Sad. Maybe he's in a marriage with a wife that actually treats him that way. Maybe he's seen so many couples in his office that actually act like that that he thinks it's normal. Either way-it's unfortunate.


The second:
At the end of the appointment he holds up my chart and says, "Your chart looks great. You're in great shape. It must be nice to have such a normal, healthy pregnancy."


"Oh yes," I replied. "We're very grateful. It took a lot for us to get pregnant and part of me was worried that since my body didn't know how to get pregnant that it wouldn't know how to be pregnant. We're so fortunate things have been going so well."


And then.... "Now you'll just be hoping your body can figure out how NOT to get pregnant!"


Really?? You think someone that tried as hard as we did to conceive is WORRIED about it happening a second time??  Again, I get the reasoning behind this comment. How many pregnant women he must see in a day that are already asking about birth control before their baby is even born! It's casual, natural conversation for an OB and his patient.


But if you look past the comment-it reveals his thoughts on the gift of a child. Gift-of course children are a gift..... when they're perfectly planned and timed accordingly and come when we want them to. Other than that-we'll just hope your body figures out how not to get pregnant. You wouldn't want all that time and money spent on surgery, testing, and drugs to results in TWO babies!


There are three ways I can think of to handle this type of situation. The first is to nod in agreement and smile politely. I'm definitely guilty of this. Sometimes the words just don't come. Sometimes I don't even realize what I'm nodding along to until it's too late. It leaves the commenter with the impression that I agree with him and his stupid comment. The second is to be defensive and overly corrective-making the commenter keenly aware of his error and his offensive nature. This approach contains a lot of truth, with very little love.


And we are most definitely called to both. Speak the truth-but always, always do so with love. That's the third approach. And it's hard.


Someone reading this may think I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe people think that it is, after all, "just a comment" and that I'm reading too much into it. But my heart and my gut tell me that it's not. It's an attack on marriage. It's an attack on the gift of life. And these kinds of comments are attacking the Christian family on a daily basis.


Everything we do and say, whether directly or indirectly, builds the family up or tears the family down. I want to build.


A month or so ago I used the Saint Generator at Conversation Diary to pick me a Saint for 2011. I got St. John of Kanty. I had never heard of him and, although his story is remarkable, it didn't leave me with a strong connection or an understanding as to why he would have been "chosen" for me. Until the end of the article when I read this quote:


"Fight all error, but do it with good humor, patience, kindness, and love. Harshness will damage your own soul and spoil the best cause."


Oh he's talking straight to me! How many times I try to correct people, to tell them the Truth and spread the message of Christ. And so many times I do so without one ounce of good humor, patience, kindness, or love. So that's my task for this year. Speak the truth and do so with love. It's gonna take a lot of prayer to the Holy Spirit, but so far He's come through alright.


Our response to those comments?
Doctor: So, Ted, have you pretty much been a 'yes man' throughout the pregnancy?
Ted: She's been great. I'm really lucky to have her.
Me: It's been a team effort.


Doctor: Now you'll just be hoping your body can figure out how NOT to get pregnant!
Me: Oh no, we hope so much to be able to have more children. We're so grateful for this baby.


Both were said with a smile on my face and sincere love in my heart. Thanks Holy Spirit.