Now that it's out there that Ted and I are struggling with infertility, I thought I'd describe (briefly if possible) the details of our particular situation.
First Ted: He's good. His little men work just fine and are doing their job. Praise God! We had a scare that they weren't and for a few months I bordered on completely hopeless. After a second sample everything was fine-it was either an amazing answer to prayers or a really crappy job on the hospital's part. If you're going through this-get two samples. (And yes, we completely obeyed the Church's position on obtaining this sample-message me if you're curious.)
Now me: I'm not as easy to describe. I was diagnosed with endometriosis in college. I should have been diagnosed when I was 15 but I couldn't find a doctor who would give me the time of day and prescribe anything other than birth control pills (which DO NOT treat endo-I'm sure this soap box issue will merit its own post soon). I finally found a wonderful doctor whose practice did not use artificial birth control and found out for the first time in my life that I'm not just a big baby when it comes to my monthly "gift". I was devastated. I had done enough research on the subject to know that it hurt your chances for babies. Thankfully God had already placed Ted in my life and with his loving support, I was able to keep it together. (Thinking back-maybe that's why God waited for me to be in college before finding out....hmm-nice one God!) In the summer of 2006 I had laproscopic surgery to remove the endometriosis. My doctor was very optimistic after the surgery. I remember him saying, "Send me a letter when you have your 12th kid," or something like that.
After a year and a half of trying-it doesn't look like we're on our way to 12. After talking with a doctor in Springfield, MO (an awful one) we decided that we would pursue a natural family planning only doctor, no matter what it took. When we moved to Mississippi we were very concerned about finding one-but you know how God works. After some searching, we found an excellent doctor in Jackson, TN, just three hours north of Starkville. Excellent isn't even the word to describe him-I don't think a word exists to describe how good this man is. We are truly, truly blessed to know him, much less be cared for by him.
Through extensive testing and a repeat laproscopic surgery (that I'm still recovering from), we discovered some good news and some bad news. My hormone levels are great and my tubes are completely open. My endometriosis had returned-but only a little and has been removed again. The worst news was the my follicles are not producing eggs and that they rupture prematurely. To the best of my understanding, the eggs are in there but they're not being "picked up" by my follicles when it's time for them to spring into action. This is not good.
Starting soon I'm going to begin taking Clomid, which is a drug that will stimulate egg production. (my doctor told Ted to prepare for the worst mood swings in history-yikes!) Lots of people who can't get pregnant try Clomid-it's kind of a "first line of defense" when it comes to infertility. Unfortunately, it's all too common for doctors to prescribe this drug to women who can't get pregnant without actually determining if empty follicles are the real problem. Thankfully-we know our real problem and know that Clomid has shown to be effective with it. If this doesn't work-there are a couple of other options to stimulate egg production (shots of FSH is one). If those don't work-we will probably not ever be able to get pregnant.
So those are the facts of what I know. Now, just for a second-I'm going to let my feelings come out on the subject....
I want a baby more than anything in the world. I take that back-I want BABIES more than anything in the world. I've wanted a large family ever since I was probably 9 or 10 years old. My mom is one of eight girls and I used to love to sit and listen to them talk about their childhood-I still do! "I want my kids to have that," I thought. I've been privileged to be a part of some amazing and HUGE families in college as a nanny/babysitter. I was with one family long enough to see number 8 AND 9 be born! (Thanks Kelsey-you are amazing!) In high school and college I was weirdly interested in all thing baby and kids. I've researched and formed opinions on everything from cloth diapers and breastfeeding to discipline techniques and schooling options.
At my very core, I long to be a mother. It's what I feel I was designed to be. I can't walk past a baby at Wal-Mart without making faces at him and saying, "Ted, look how cute he is!" I spend my free time researching ways to have a healthy pregnancy and ideas for saving money on groceries so moms can afford to stay home with their kids. And this was even before we were married! Maybe you think it's weird-maybe you can completely relate. Either way-know that my heart is broken over not having a baby to hold in my arms. Every month when another pregnancy test is negative I think, "If we got pregnant the first month we'd have a six month old, a seven month old, an eight month old by now..." I'm trying to learn to give this to God, I really am. I'm not there yet.
You know, I had a sneaky suspicion, but I wasn't for sure. It's very brave and commendable of you to air this all out on a blog for all intents and purposes of helping others in similar situations.
ReplyDeleteOn a quick note, you are so blessed to have been around a large family and babies. My mother kept me away from babies and wouldn't let me babysit. As a result, I grew up with a strange aversion to babies until recent times. (There's more to it than that, but I guess that's a future entry for future blog).
Back to the topic - you're handling it in the right way. I once had a priest tell me in confession (and I'm probably preaching to the choir) that "we need to take all our burdens with us to the Eucharist. And when we approach the altar, keep your eye on the crucifix and remind yourself that this is just as good as standing on the hill at Calvary and Jesus wants our burdens. He wants to comfort us." I don't know what it is about that, but it has been the most comforting advice I've ever received from confession.
Truthfully, it's one of those times I feel like there is nothing that I can say that you haven't already heard, but sometimes I think reiterating the simplest things are the most comforting. So, here's a small, simple thing: You have been in my prayers (because I suspected there was something amiss) and I'll keep you there. :)
P.S. I'll try to check in and leave a comment as much as possible. Cause we all know that comments make the blog sphere go 'round. :P
This brought tears to my eyes-perfect advice.
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling. I really only kept going to school because it was better now than later, when I had a family. Now I am...um, trapped. It is keeping me from my family. Not at all my desire. I wanted to be a mother since I was born practically. I am jumping the gun here, not having read the rest of your story, but our hx are similar so far and the surgeries and clomid were a huge part of whipping me into shape-and no mood swings. We'll talk more...
ReplyDelete