Top 10 WORST Things to Say to Someone Going Through Infertility

This post may sound rude, insensitive, or ungrateful, but I don't intend for it to. I'm only trying to save others from having to hear some of the awful "advice" I've had to put up with. And if you've said one of these things to me-please know that I'm not angry with you. I love you for your effort and your support. Thank you. Even if you said some of these things-you probably said them in a way that made me feel loved and supported. Most of these comments are heard from the random people who stick their noses into my business where they don't belong-not from the wonderful friends and family that I have supporting me.

1. "Don't worry-you'll get pregnant eventually." This one's awful because it's simply not true. I might not get pregnant eventually. I might not get pregnant ever. As far as you know, I can't get pregnant because I don't have a uterus or Ted doesn't have a penis! If you have no idea what someone's medial situation is-don't try to assure them that they will overcome all odds and wind up with a miracle baby. Sometimes (many times)-it just doesn't happen.

2. "You just need to stop stressing about it. You can't get pregnant if you're stressed." Great! I'm supposed to juggle a full time job, keep up with a bazillion doctor appointments, recover from surgery, spend hours on the phone fighting with insurance companies, figure out a way to pay all the hospital bills, AND remain completely stress-free while doing it!?! Even if this advice was actually true (which I don't at all think it is) it would be completely impossible.

3. "Have you tried______?" This one is ok in certain situations. If you are a close friend and we are actually having a conversation about infertility and you have information that you truly believe I might not have-please share it. But to all the strangers who overhear about my situation and decide to put their two cents in: Yes, I've stuck my butt up in the air high enough to hit the ceiling fan! Yes, I've tried taking Vitamin A, B, D, R, Q, and Y! And yes, I've heard about all the benefits of eating carrots, or sweet potatoes, or Chinese food, or whatever dish you think might magically put a baby in my belly. I need real medical intervention-not old wives's tales.

4. "You know, you should think about adoption. A lot of people that decide to adopt end up getting pregnant!" Yes, we should think about adoption if we're not able to have children (it should probably be considered even if we are). But if we decide to adopt it will be because we feel that that is God's plan for our lives, not because we secretly hope God will reward our decision and bless us with a pregnancy. I don't believe I should "surrender" this to God only hoping to gain something from my surrender. That's not surrender at all. It's cheating.

5. "Well you just need to pray to St. Anne/wear a St. Gerard medal/do 14 novenas to St. Elizabeth." This one is only unwanted if it's presented in the wrong way. Yes-please please please suggest saints and devotions in which I may find consolation. I'm forever grateful to my friends who let me borrow their St. Gerard statues and give me holy cards of the Infant Jesus. Keep it comin'! I've learned that some really cool and lesser known saints are known for helping couples struggling with infertility (St. Philomena and St. Ulrich are two). I totally and completely believe in the power of prayer, the intercession of the saints in heaven, and the possibility of miracles. We have a litany a mile long that is recited faithfully every single night. My problem with this piece of advice is when it's given as the "magic touch". Saints and medals are not magic. The purpose of medals and other sacramentals is to remind us to ask for the intercession of our patron saints, to lead our hearts to Jesus, and to help us live holier lives that are pleasing to our Father. They do not exist to fulfill our wish list.

6. "Well if you can't pregnant-you can always babysit my kids!" I don't think this one needs an explanation...

7. "Well, if you can't get pregnant-you can always adopt! Let's get one thing straight-I have a deep admiration and respect for couples that decide to open their homes to children whose mothers chose life but were not able to care for their children. Even more so for couples who share their lives with children from broken homes, from foreign countries, or with special needs. I have several wonderful friends who were adopted or have adopted siblings. But finding out that you're not able to conceive children doesn't mean that it will be easy for you to jump into adoption. In my mind, at this time, adoption is very different from what Ted and I are trying to do. Yes, adoption gives a couple the chance to share their lives and their love with a child who desperately needs it. But if I can't get pregnant I wont ever get to see a double line on a pregnancy test, or feel a baby kick inside of me, hear a heartbeat during an ultrasound, advocate for a natural delivery (eek), breastfeed, answer the question "how far along are you?", eat ridiculously healthy for nine months, play classical music in hopes of creating a perfect little genius, or give birth. That may sound selfish, and maybe it is. Maybe I need to work on letting that go. But I bet most moms understand how special those things are. And I bet most woman desire those things too. Yes, we will pray fervently about adoption no matter what happens in the future-but I doubt we will EVER get over the fact that we can't create a little guy with Ted's hazel eyes and freckles or a little girl with my curly hair and complexion. I don't think that's something you can "get over".

8. "You can always do in-vitro!" This is just not good advice for moral, ethical, and medical reasons. I'm firm in my stand with the Church on this one. Ted and I will not consider in-vitro. If you're confused as to why-be on the look out for a future post on this issue.

9. "My sister's daughter's friend's cousin couldn't get pregnant and they tried ____ and now they have 16 kids!" Ok-maybe I'm exaggerating-but this is what it feels like sometimes. Stories about those you know who have gone through this and now have children aren't always bad. It's good to know that other people struggled and were eventually able to get pregnant. Again it's all in how you present it. (Links to other blogs are AWESOME!) But often people attempt to downplay my sorrow and pain over this issue by telling me about others who lived to tell the tale, like they "just know" the same will happen for us and we shouldn't worry just one little bit. But for every couple who did eventually get pregnant, there's a couple that didn't. And there's no way to tell which category we're going to fall in. I may seem like a downer-but I'm just being realistic. I have to be.

Ok-well I can actually only think of nine, but 10 sounds better in a title. What if I write the 10th one about what I wish people would say?

10. "I'm so sorry to hear that. I will definitely keep you in prayer." Perfect! If we're close and you know my whole story-then let's get into a conversation about the options, my feelings on them, your thoughts and ideas, etc. But if those two specifications don't apply-just stick to the basics.

Did I sound rude, insensitive, or ungrateful? I hope not.