Waiting...

Lent is here and I actually feel ready! I usually have no solid direction when Lent begins and end up choosing something to give up about midway through the season. Not so this year! I actually decided upon a few things to give up that I feel will help quiet my heart and assist me in gaining some much needed self control. I'm also participating in an extended retreat through our church, St. Joseph. Our priest announced the retreat two Sundays ago and I was excited from the moment the words left his lips. The retreat is based on the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, which a book I've wanted to read for a long time. It's been recommended to me by priests in confession and I'm excited to be reading it with the guidance of a priest rather than on my own.

After a Mardi Gras party at St. Joseph's on Tuesday and a fully packed Ash Wednesday Mass, I'm starting to feel in Lenten "mood". With that comes some reflection on waiting and what it means to wait with "joyful hope" as we always hear during Mass. Lent is a time of prayer, fasting, and almsgiving and of waiting with expectation of our Lord's resurrection on Easter Sunday. While Lent is a difficult time if observed correctly, the "hope" part of it is especially difficult for me to understand because it's already been realized. It doesn't make sense for me to "hope" for Jesus' resurrection because I know it's already happened. I know that Easter Sunday will fall on April 4th this year and that the Easter Season will follow after. I'm waiting and hoping for something that I'm already confident will occur.

This isn't the case with our waiting and hoping for a baby. April 4th will come and go with or without a baby having been conceived. Lent will occur every year from now until the end of the world, and I may struggle with same sadness of infertility during every last one of them. There is no way to know what God has in store for us right now and, if I'm being completely honest, I REALLY don't like that. I'm resisting the urge to even use the word "hate". It is so very difficult to have no idea what the future holds. Ted says it's good for me to not have control over this situation and I know that he's right. But that doesn't mean I like it. And it doesn't make it any easier to deal with my lack of control.

Right now I'm in the "waiting" part of the month. I've done this so many times before and it's the same almost every time. My period came and went-we knew we weren't pregnant. Then there are always a couple of days that follow with no cramps, being absolutely certain you're not pregnant, and having no pressure to try to conceive. (I usually make it a point to enjoy a nice cold Bud Light during this time.) After that comes the trying, which is so emotionally complex I could spend 10 posts attempting to lay out all of my emotions. After the first couple days of trying come thoughts of: if we conceived this month, it might have happened by now! I don't feel any different, but that's ok because it's too early to notice anything anyway. I start treating my body like it's pregnant on the rare chance that is actually is. No alcohol and virtually no medicine-depsite my nasty sinus infection right now. I take my prenatal vitamins and hope that they're actually going to help a real baby this month.

Then comes what has affectionately been called the "two week wait" in infertility circles. The Lent of the woman's cycle. If we're going to get pregnant this month-it definitely would have happened by now! I think I'm peeing more than usual-maybe that's a sign. I don't think this is just gas-this feels different. It's getting close to the time to start my period and I don't feel any cramps yet-we're probably pregnant! I calculate my due date and make a mental note that it's the best possible time to have a baby, even though I thought the same thing last month. I start daydreaming about ways to tell Ted and announce it to our families. I find myself standing in our spare bedroom thinking about ways to make a crib fit for nearly 10 minutes before I even realize what I'm doing. Every day that goes by I grow more and more confident that it actually worked this month! Then comes the back pain and the funny feeling in my lower stomach. Even though my period is still days away-I know I'm not pregnant. Sometimes my nurse will suggest I take a pregnancy test at this time, but I know it's pointless. I just know. By the time my period actually arrives it's no surprise, although it still hurts every time. Some months I cry, some months I shrug it off and act like it's no big deal. But I'm always disappointed.

I don't know how to relate this "waiting" to the waiting of Lent. I wish I had some awesome insight to share with everyone about what I've learned from this experience, but I don't. I just have frustration and confusion. How do I "joyfully hope" for a baby when I have little reason to believe it will actually happen? How do I remain joyful in this waiting when I really just want to cry? I can only hope that Lent will be a time for me to get better at offering up this pain to God and finding a deeper strength in Jesus to help me through the seemingly endless cycles of the "two week wait."

Mary, will you hold my hand extra tight over the next two weeks?